Tleac

Everhopful721 said to me, "All that's left for me to do is to JUMP.....and pray that before I hit the ground, I will learn how to FLY....."

I keep telling myself I'm ready to jump. But a couple minutes ago my phone rang so I looked and it was my husband. It was weird because I actually got a little excited and my heart sank.

Why am I getting excited to see that he is calling me? Am I not as ready to give up as I thought I was?

I haven't seen him since last Friday. A week is a long time for us. I do miss him. But at the same time I am SO done with it all.

I told him yesterday Do you see how far apart we are growing? Do you see how what you are doing everyday doesn't affect me even a small fraction of what it used to? I just want to make sure you are seeing what's happening so you're not thrown for a loop with I'm finally just over it for good.

I was wondering what his thoughts were when it came to my dramatic changes in behavior. I mean I used to call him constantly to see where he was, what he was doing, check up on him, check his phone bill, contact his drug dealers :/ ....yeah... and I literally do none of that anymore. I don't even usually try to contact him. He sometimes texts me if he's at work or calls me when he gets off, but last night he didn't even do that.

His response was I'm almost looking forward to it because you'll never be different no matter what I do or don't do. You have never shown me a drop of anything that's made me believe differently.

Now obviously I know his response is a bunch of manipulation and BS, and I didn't pay much attention to it. What I'm wondering though is does he REALLY believe that? Even though he is being manipulative with his words I have a strong feeling that he really does believe the words coming out of his mouth.

I said This isn't about me J. Stop Trying to point the spotlight on me. This is you and your addiction. You are refusing to seek the help you NEED so badly.

J said Us T, it should be us. But it's not.

No, it's not US because it's not US who has the addiction. It's YOU. Only YOU can fix it. WE can't. YOU can.
The conversation ended there.

Oh, and I answered his call. All I heard was background noise of him working. Guess it was an accident.

EverHopeful721

Tleac, I think you know when the pain of staying in your current circumstances is greater than the fear of the unknown. It's perfectly natural to waver back and forth, as you are now. But at some point, you will no longer waver, you will KNOW. That's not saying you won't still love him, miss him, wish the best for him and hope that he finds sobriety. But you will also know that you are doing the right thing for YOU. That moment comes at a different point for all of us, but you will know it when it hits you....and then, you will JUMP.

interrupted

That reminds me of my signature! It's a poem titled "Faith" by Patrick Overton, but I ran out of characters to put in the title or his full first name.

Each time you engage him you demonstrate that you are still open to negotiation. Working your own program doesn't require notifying him of your progress and warning him of how serious you are. Just like his actions reveal the truth, your actions will do the same. In that regard, my guess is that no texts at all would tell him quite a bit more about your recovery than the thinly veiled threats that were sent. You'll know when you're ready.

allforcnm

Interesting question. When my husband was actively using we separated. He was highly functional, not abusive or anything like this. However, his behavior became unlike what I thought a husband should be. He was staying out late with guys from work who were his drug friends, he would try to lie about it (sometimes such stupid lies), we would argue, etc. Once he asked for help then I was right there by his side, and we have now worked it all out. He has been clean just over a year.

But during the recovery process, marriage counseling sessions; he admitted to me that he felt abandoned because we were married, loved each other, and this happened to him, and then I took the stand that he needed to stop, talk to his doctor, or if he wanted to go live that way then he needed to go live that way. He felt rejected, abandoned by me, and then those feelings brought out a lot more feelings & yes to him it was all real. I believe this. Since we have done counseling and such, he realizes more of what I was experiencing ( I think he was truly blind to a lot of it while he was actively using). There was even a point where he felt like my own sense of self-preservation kicked in, and I did the right thing by distancing myself from him. Not every addict will be alike in their thinking of course, so I cant say what your husband truly feels right now.

I would ask -the one comment that he made about it being a “us” thing, and then on an earlier post about his making demands on you if he goes into treatment. Have you had a serious talk with him about treatment, about what you would be willing to do to support his recovery, what it would mean for your relationship if he chooses to get help? To me it does sound like he feels he has lost control of maybe what he feels are the foundations of his family and that is bringing out all these emotions of anger, saying he wants you to cheat on him; all the ridiculous stuff.

As for knowing when you are ready to jump? Hard call. I was certain when I separated from my husband, but I was naïve about addiction. I really thought he would hang out with his new friends, and use for a while, party and play and then he would stop and come home. Almost like a rebellious phase. What I didn’t know is how the drugs would take hold of his brain, how he would begin experimenting with other drugs (he started with legitimate prescription pain pills and his problem started when the doctor took him off, and he found a source at the office). For a long time I was just stubborn and angry with him not realizing he was actually very sick. So l have come to regret what I did in many ways, but cant undo it. We call it our missing year. Don’t get me wrong, we both learned valuable personal lessons through it all, but I would do it differently if I had another chance.

Tleac

I think it probably really does make my husband feel rejected, abandoned, and unloved by me. He tells me these things often as well. But I think you still did the right thing. I've been stuck in the midst of it all for over 2 1/2 years and it has been so unhealthy. Actually that's how long we have been married, I dealt with it before that for a couple years as well...
It has changed me; the way I think...my heart...in a negative way, and now I have to work on repairing my brokenness. You probably actually saved yourself a lot of heartache and if you wouldn't have left him who knows if he would have really ever gotten clean.

I'm 28 years old. I've spent almost all of my 20's dealing with my husband's addiction. I'm never going to get those years back. I aim to start worrying about myself and my little girl and my baby girl from now on. When I'm with them I am happy. I enjoy life. I can laugh and feel good about myself. I am very lucky to have them in my life.

If I could have another chance I would have also done it differently and left a long time ago!

allforcnm

Thank you Tleac. Im at peace with the past now, but it took me a while. It is hard for anyone who deals with addiction because there are choices all along the way, and so many unknowns. I think you are on the right path for yourself and your children. You deserve to have a happy and healthy life ! Regardless of addiction, so many marriages just dont work out. It is always hard, but sometimes it is for the best. I think in time you will realize how much stronger you are for all you have been through. There is lots of life left; keep looking forward and envisioning the life you want. That is what I did while I was apart from my husband. I kept trying to move forward. Sometimes it was slow and I slid backwards, but overall I progressed on my own. You will get where you are going !