concerned99

A friend is attempting to exit an unhealthy relationship with her controlling boyfriend who's into bdsm. Unfortunately that relationship has not helped her drinking problems. However, I'm not a drinker so I'm not sure how serious the alcohol issue is.

I recently pointed out to her that many problems in her life were preceded with drinking, sometimes just one drink and at other times she was smashed. This was an epiphany for her, and she began to see alcohol has been an issue in her life.

She doesn't drink much around me. However, she usually says she wishes she had a drink but the only thing stopping her is I don't drink. She gets drunk most weekends when going out with her boyfriend, and if she skips a weekend, there's a good chance she'll binge the next weekend and get drunk multiple days in a row. She fills a water bottle with alcohol and she takes shots from that amounting to about 12-20 ozs each day and has had blackouts multiple times.

Although she admits to having a drinking problem, she feels it's under control because she limits her drinking to the weekend for the most part, and doesn't need to drink every day. However, she says she craves a drink much of the time.

Although leaving her current relationship would be healthier in the long term, short term I'm concerned it will create more stress and she won't be able to cope and will turn to drinking. On the other hand, both boyfriend and their lifestyle reinforces her drinking and drives her self esteem lower so that isn't a solution either.

Between her esteem, relationship, and drinking, it seems like she's walking a tightrope.

I'm a little over my head, so I'm hoping someone can provide some direction to me on how to best help my friend, assuming she needs it.

ScottFromWI

While it's commendable to want to help, your friend is the only one who can decide if she has a problem, and whether or not she's going to decide to quit drinking and seek support. Certainly be there for her if she asks for help, but there's really nothing you can do to get her to actually stop drinking or move into recovery.

There is a great forum here on SR for friends and family of alcoholics you may want to check out for your own support and help.

concerned99

I agree, but she feels it's an issue in her life. But along those lines, is her drinking within the bounds of being "ok" for now or is it more serious? The questionnaires on the web indicate she has a problem but I'm not sure how much I trust those.

I don't want to blow something out of proportion and I have no experience in this area.

PaperDolls

If she feels it's an issue in her life yet she keeps doing it, I'd say she has a problem. People that have a crazy, drunk night out and then regret it .... they just stop drinking ..... or just don't drink that much again. Alcoholics say they won't drink that much again or act the same way but they continue to do it over and over again.

It's quite common for alcoholics to use drinking as a way to mask pain or to feel better about themselves or to just not feel at all. It sounds like she's got some stuff going on.

Like Scott said, there's nothing you can do to convince her she should quit so let's focus what you can work on. You...... I suggest you check out the friends and family forum. Letting go is difficult and no fun but you'll find lot of folks here that have some wonderful experience, strength, and hope they can share with you.

ScottFromWI

Again, only she can decide. If alcohol is causing her problems, the quantity or frequency of her drinking is irrelevant. The web questionnaires are only guidelines.

concerned99

I understand. Someone can drink heavily every single day, but if it causes no problems in their life and they can easily cut back and adhere to that, by definition it's not a problem.

She has said most the time when a major problem happens, she can trace it to drinking and gets upset by that. Then she'll vow to cut back. But a week later, she'll ask her boyfriend to go out to drink and she binges again, and feel guilty about it.

You're probably right that I don't have much influence over this, and appreciate the insight.

ScottFromWI

The cycle she describes above is one that most of us here have gone through. In general, it only gets worse too as the "bad" times become more frequent. You could certainly suggest she get some help as a friend, but be prepared for backlash as another common trait of alcoholics/problem drinkers is to lash back at anyone who suggest that there is a problem. Deep down we know it, but we try to deny it while we are still drinking.

ElegantlyWasted

" Someone can drink heavily every single day"

Ultimately it catches up with most everyone, even if its just a fried liver, some physical dependency will develop as well.

Re your specific situation...
I know you love your friend, but this is the sort of thing she really needs to be pro active with on her own. I would encourage her to do her own leg work and be supportive of her.

She really needs to connect the dots in her own head, not having someone tell her whats up.

Dee74

some great advice here Concerned. I hope you'll check out the Family and Friends forums for your own benefit

D