What Do We Do When We Can't Repair our Relationships with the Abuser?
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Join Date: Mar 2013
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What Do We Do When We Can't Repair our Relationships with the Abuser?
Most of you have stories of hope, triumph and success. But I have not seen anyone here who told stories of how they continued to move forward even with the abuser failing to recover or dying.
As much as we hate to hear it, yes....sometimes the substance abuser and alcoholic dies and are never able to get it right. Most of us would hate the thought of this, yet It does cross my mind especially when a person is in despair and at rock bottom whether they know it or not.
Honestly, unless the person themselves accepts that they are in need of help and gets some, the only other road is failure or death. Harsh as those words are to hear, I really need honest people to tell me what happen and how they recovered emotionally
when the loved one, sibling, husband, mother, father or others never made it?
As much as we hate to hear it, yes....sometimes the substance abuser and alcoholic dies and are never able to get it right. Most of us would hate the thought of this, yet It does cross my mind especially when a person is in despair and at rock bottom whether they know it or not.
Honestly, unless the person themselves accepts that they are in need of help and gets some, the only other road is failure or death. Harsh as those words are to hear, I really need honest people to tell me what happen and how they recovered emotionally
when the loved one, sibling, husband, mother, father or others never made it? 
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
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Here's a story I don't often share that may help.
I lost my dad when I was very, very young. And when I was 24, I met an older guy who changed my life enormously for the better. He was the dad I never had when I was going through my teenage years.
My mentor moved west several years ago because his wife has cancer and wanted to be in a more temperate climate. Four years ago I learned that he was an alcoholic. I was shocked...stunned's a better word. He was hitting the sauce pretty hard, mostly because his wife wasn't doing too well. So I went out west to take him home. But it was too late. He was diagnosed with alcohol dementia, and less than I year after I brought him home, he died.
I was bullsh*t with him. For hiding this from me. For not telling me he was in trouble. I really, really believed in my heart of hearts that if he had just told me, we could have saved him...
...and then something else popped into my head.
He was sick. He wasn't thinking about the consequences to himself, or the consequences his illness had on his marriage. He was just living day to day, trying to get by. It occurred to me I couldn't judge him, because who knows how I'm going to do at the end of my life.
So, I let that anger and all that hurt go. I didn't pay the price for what he did to himself. He did. He made a lot of poor decisions for a long, long time, and paid for it with his life. I wish it didn't happen that way, but it did. And ultimately, when I think of him, I think of what he did for me when I need guidance as young man with my head up my ass. That's the stuff that lives on. His body's gone. What made him him is alive in me, and will be for as long as I live.
I hope my story helps.
ZoSo
I lost my dad when I was very, very young. And when I was 24, I met an older guy who changed my life enormously for the better. He was the dad I never had when I was going through my teenage years.
My mentor moved west several years ago because his wife has cancer and wanted to be in a more temperate climate. Four years ago I learned that he was an alcoholic. I was shocked...stunned's a better word. He was hitting the sauce pretty hard, mostly because his wife wasn't doing too well. So I went out west to take him home. But it was too late. He was diagnosed with alcohol dementia, and less than I year after I brought him home, he died.
I was bullsh*t with him. For hiding this from me. For not telling me he was in trouble. I really, really believed in my heart of hearts that if he had just told me, we could have saved him...
...and then something else popped into my head.
He was sick. He wasn't thinking about the consequences to himself, or the consequences his illness had on his marriage. He was just living day to day, trying to get by. It occurred to me I couldn't judge him, because who knows how I'm going to do at the end of my life.
So, I let that anger and all that hurt go. I didn't pay the price for what he did to himself. He did. He made a lot of poor decisions for a long, long time, and paid for it with his life. I wish it didn't happen that way, but it did. And ultimately, when I think of him, I think of what he did for me when I need guidance as young man with my head up my ass. That's the stuff that lives on. His body's gone. What made him him is alive in me, and will be for as long as I live.
I hope my story helps.
ZoSo
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
my mom died at 57 from liver disease. today i'm 52 and that seems so dang YOUNG. she kinda gave up on life somewhere along the way...and preferred to drink and die than even attempt to live sober. that was her Mt Everest, and she refused to climb.
as her only child i was left as an adult orphan if you will at the age of 30. how did i get passed it? one day at a time, not much choice in the matter as i still had my own life to live! there was not one thing i could have done to alter her outcome. oh sure i occasionally regret that i didn't go do lunch with her those times she asked...but i really didn't want to spend time with her when she'd be drinking and getting obnoxious. there came time when she ALWAYS drank so there was virtually no chance to spend any time with her while she was in a sober frame of mind.
i was sitting next to her bed in the nursing home, holding her hand when she passed away. she'd been in a morphine induced coma and thus there was no dramatic made for TV deathbed moment...she simply inhaled once deeply and never exhaled. i couldn't do much FOR her, but i could bear witness to her passing over.
as her only child i was left as an adult orphan if you will at the age of 30. how did i get passed it? one day at a time, not much choice in the matter as i still had my own life to live! there was not one thing i could have done to alter her outcome. oh sure i occasionally regret that i didn't go do lunch with her those times she asked...but i really didn't want to spend time with her when she'd be drinking and getting obnoxious. there came time when she ALWAYS drank so there was virtually no chance to spend any time with her while she was in a sober frame of mind.
i was sitting next to her bed in the nursing home, holding her hand when she passed away. she'd been in a morphine induced coma and thus there was no dramatic made for TV deathbed moment...she simply inhaled once deeply and never exhaled. i couldn't do much FOR her, but i could bear witness to her passing over.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 493
Hi Redvelvet
My dad died aged 51. He died in my arms. He had been a very bad alcoholic for many years. The irony was he had stopped drinking 3 years before he died. He had struggled with alcoholism - seriously struggled from his early 40's. But mum said he had always drank. But seemed 'innocent' as it was always beer. But then he began to drink whisky. And then vodka. Dad was young when he died - and he was a young father. I was only 27. He contracted malaria. As a result of his weakened system from the years of abuse - his liver couldn't fight the malaria. He was dead in 3 days. This was in 2001. Dad and mum had been married for 36 years. Dad was my business partner and best friend. I adored him. But only recently, having joined SR due to my beloved friend 'H' - and dealing with H's drug addiction - did I realise that I and the rest of my family had been seriously affected by Dad's drinking. The emotional abuse! I always denied that there was any abuse. Certainly not physical. But I had lived so long, and learnt to 'survive' living with an alcoholic parent - that I had developed super efficient coping mechanisms.. only to learn now (as a 38 yr old) that these skills don't favour my spiritual or emotional growth. I went through months of rage. Rage that dad, whom I loved so much, had essentially lied to me on so many levels. That Dad infact provided NOTHING over all the years - and that we as a family lost out on so much. I had to grow up fast. And through my 'healing' - seeing my childhood - with the rose tinted glasses removed - was seriously TOUGH!!!!!!!! I felt so many negative emotions. Sadness, trauma, loss, rage - and everything in between. Rage particularily at my mum - for not 'rescuing' me and my darling brother and sister..... but now with time, prayer and SR - I know that Dad loved me and all of us to the best of his ability. And I forgive him. I remember the 'crap stuff' - but I let it go. Now I try to focus on the good stuff too - and the lessons Dad taught me - and his love.
My dad died aged 51. He died in my arms. He had been a very bad alcoholic for many years. The irony was he had stopped drinking 3 years before he died. He had struggled with alcoholism - seriously struggled from his early 40's. But mum said he had always drank. But seemed 'innocent' as it was always beer. But then he began to drink whisky. And then vodka. Dad was young when he died - and he was a young father. I was only 27. He contracted malaria. As a result of his weakened system from the years of abuse - his liver couldn't fight the malaria. He was dead in 3 days. This was in 2001. Dad and mum had been married for 36 years. Dad was my business partner and best friend. I adored him. But only recently, having joined SR due to my beloved friend 'H' - and dealing with H's drug addiction - did I realise that I and the rest of my family had been seriously affected by Dad's drinking. The emotional abuse! I always denied that there was any abuse. Certainly not physical. But I had lived so long, and learnt to 'survive' living with an alcoholic parent - that I had developed super efficient coping mechanisms.. only to learn now (as a 38 yr old) that these skills don't favour my spiritual or emotional growth. I went through months of rage. Rage that dad, whom I loved so much, had essentially lied to me on so many levels. That Dad infact provided NOTHING over all the years - and that we as a family lost out on so much. I had to grow up fast. And through my 'healing' - seeing my childhood - with the rose tinted glasses removed - was seriously TOUGH!!!!!!!! I felt so many negative emotions. Sadness, trauma, loss, rage - and everything in between. Rage particularily at my mum - for not 'rescuing' me and my darling brother and sister..... but now with time, prayer and SR - I know that Dad loved me and all of us to the best of his ability. And I forgive him. I remember the 'crap stuff' - but I let it go. Now I try to focus on the good stuff too - and the lessons Dad taught me - and his love.
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Join Date: Dec 2007
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Yes. The disease of addiction/alcoholism is progressive.....sometimes to the point of prison, institutionalization, or death.
The way we deal with it is the same way that we deal with active addiction before these things happen......acceptance.
My son is currently in recovery but I do not take that recovery for granted. He is one bad decision away from continuing his journey in addiction. I have to accept that as a reality and accept it as something that is not within my control.
The reality is that each time someone we love walks out our door, we can lose them. I lost my father (and business partner) when the small aircraft he was piloting fell from the sky....killing him instantly. I grieved for two years. But eventually, I moved on with my life and I hold him close in my heart every day.
Losing an addict, even to death, is no more tragic than losing someone to any other condition or accident......once I accepted that about my son, I was able live my life. It helped me to detach with love and let him go.
Acceptance is the key to a lot of things. It is fear that holds us hostage.
gentle hugs
ke
The way we deal with it is the same way that we deal with active addiction before these things happen......acceptance.
My son is currently in recovery but I do not take that recovery for granted. He is one bad decision away from continuing his journey in addiction. I have to accept that as a reality and accept it as something that is not within my control.
The reality is that each time someone we love walks out our door, we can lose them. I lost my father (and business partner) when the small aircraft he was piloting fell from the sky....killing him instantly. I grieved for two years. But eventually, I moved on with my life and I hold him close in my heart every day.
Losing an addict, even to death, is no more tragic than losing someone to any other condition or accident......once I accepted that about my son, I was able live my life. It helped me to detach with love and let him go.
Acceptance is the key to a lot of things. It is fear that holds us hostage.
gentle hugs
ke
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 2,282
What Do We Do When We Can't Repair our Relationships with the Abuser?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
.......sometimes we just post on SR, so that their life was not in vain.
Perhaps our words will help others,but,even failing that, we can remember
them as the people they were before addiction----and in doing so we honor
their spirit......and know in our hearts they NEVER chose this.
(no one chooses this hell on Earth)
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
.......sometimes we just post on SR, so that their life was not in vain.
Perhaps our words will help others,but,even failing that, we can remember
them as the people they were before addiction----and in doing so we honor
their spirit......and know in our hearts they NEVER chose this.
(no one chooses this hell on Earth)
Drug Addiction Has No Mercy
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Milwaukie Oregon
Posts: 875
In Memory Of William Scott Simmons
William Simmons (1957 - 2004)
If his story can help save even just one person .. he died not in vain.
RIP Scotty
Lovingly,
Sher AKA Passion
William Simmons (1957 - 2004)
If his story can help save even just one person .. he died not in vain.
RIP Scotty
Lovingly,
Sher AKA Passion
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Eastern Time Zone
Posts: 1,011
My alcoholic father died in his early 60s from a self-inflicted gunshot wound. I was only 21. As a teenager, I had gone to 6 meetings of Alateen. That started me on the road to the world of recovery.
My marriage to an active drug addict ended when 3 children were under the age of 5. He is still living but has never found recovery. Being his wife and his ex-wife was overwhelming. He now lives in Nevada and I am thankfully not around him any more as our children are adults. For a while I went to Al-Anon. It saved me and got me stable enough to make very important decisions regarding my life and the lives of my children.
My youngest son, age 27, has been abusing drugs/alcohol since (I think) late high school. I fear he will not make it. I have been in Al-Anon this time around for about 8 years.
so that makes 3 important people in my life who have not found recovery. In fact, no one whom I have had a close relationship has found recovery. so naturally I struggle with that hope.
But because of Al-Anon and this site, I am making it. My life is manageable. I am not the happiest camper at any party, but I can laugh and enjoy life pretty darn good. My other two children do not express that everything I have goes to help their younger brother leaving nothing for them. That is an amazing gift that my HP, through Al-Anon, has given me. People seem to enjoy my company and think I have some wisdom. By my own choice, very few people outside of my family know that my son is an active drug user/addict. It is quite an accomplishment for me to not feel compelled to talk about that aspect of my life very much.
Hope that helps. Sojourner.
My marriage to an active drug addict ended when 3 children were under the age of 5. He is still living but has never found recovery. Being his wife and his ex-wife was overwhelming. He now lives in Nevada and I am thankfully not around him any more as our children are adults. For a while I went to Al-Anon. It saved me and got me stable enough to make very important decisions regarding my life and the lives of my children.
My youngest son, age 27, has been abusing drugs/alcohol since (I think) late high school. I fear he will not make it. I have been in Al-Anon this time around for about 8 years.
so that makes 3 important people in my life who have not found recovery. In fact, no one whom I have had a close relationship has found recovery. so naturally I struggle with that hope.
But because of Al-Anon and this site, I am making it. My life is manageable. I am not the happiest camper at any party, but I can laugh and enjoy life pretty darn good. My other two children do not express that everything I have goes to help their younger brother leaving nothing for them. That is an amazing gift that my HP, through Al-Anon, has given me. People seem to enjoy my company and think I have some wisdom. By my own choice, very few people outside of my family know that my son is an active drug user/addict. It is quite an accomplishment for me to not feel compelled to talk about that aspect of my life very much.
Hope that helps. Sojourner.
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