sobriety, relapse, active addiction, and recovery.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 1,618
sobriety, relapse, active addiction, and recovery.
hello everyone 
I have been isolating quite a bit lately and so I believe I will let it all out...
I guess I will start with myself. I have been struggling with a lot of things lately. I have been maintaining the status quo of work, hobbies, and even getting better at my housework. These are all indicators of self care for me. But I have been avoiding my normie friends dropped my sponsor, and haven't been going to meetings. Im still sober. No weed. No Alcohol. The cravings are less but that is for a different board.
I am struggling with the addicts in my life.
My mother is sober for many years, but is displaying many strange behaviors. She is blowing up my Facebook in the most inappropriate ways. She posts paragraphs all about herself all over my posts, things I comment on and my pictures. begging me to come see her in public. She would be driving me insane if I allowed her to. I wonder if she has NPD and I should just accept it. I do not want to go No Contact but I have decided that as she ages I will be sending her into either a facility or group home. I feel as though she is mentally disabled and she is the child and I am the parent. She is like a toddler clinging to my skirts. completely self centered.
My biological sister has moved away from the Vegas Strip and has been in recovery from alcohol since January. It is amazing and such a blessings to see how her lifestyle has changed. Her Facebook used to be filled with pictures of alcohol and gambling, I now see horses and sunsets, pictures of her son and many different sober activities. Talk about changing places! Im so very glad she left the city and moved to the country.
My ex who is rarely mentioned here, we can call him T, is the father of my children is visiting them regularly every week. A recent evaluation for my sons special needs deemed him a fit parent when I voiced concerns about his alcohol use. He voiced concerns in retaliation about me smoking weed. I passed evaluation with flying colors.
His sister, the kids auntie has relapsed again on heroin. Their mother is on a codie binge paying his mortgage, his sisters rent, and really just trying to hold everything together.
Her husband, my kids step grandpa legally, approached me today and commended me for my strength and growth and clue me into all of this.
I still have not heard from their brother. whom I do consider my brother. He is lost in the gutter of Hamtrammak in Detroit. Heroin, E, DXM. who knows what else. I don't think he has died yet, he wears dog tags with his name and info on them so as not to be buried as a jon doe. He is adamant that he will die in his addiction.
My biological brother is a blessing. He is 2 - 3 years in recovery from alcohol and has just been asked to lead the music at his church. our relationship is still distant but no longer strained. I am at peace with this. I love him very much.
D, whom I have posted about most often was white knuckling again when I saw him on Wednesday. He stole a computer and camera from his grandparents on Sunday, returned them on Monday after his mom paid to get them out of the pawn shop, and will not be going to jail for felony burglary. I cushioned that fall sadly enough. I met with him at the mall and he confessed to me and then to them. I really was sure he would go to jail and am very surprised that his family did not press charges.
In all of the chaos around me. I am reminded of a garage band of some kids from my church in high school. They released an album called "The only constant is change" I believe that is true, but really and truthfully... my HP never changes. He is there. He is strong. He is not chaotic. He is like having an imaginary friend, but he is real.
The wind has been blowing here lately, usually the air is still in the desert valley.... in a codie meltdown I turned on the movie "A Walk to Remember" and ate a pi t of ice cream. bad Idea... but all things work for good. There is this quote in it: " love is like the wind. I can't see it, but I can feel it." then I remembered the verse "god is love"
so now, tonight, I can say I can't feel him in my spirit. I can't see him right now. but I can say that Love is the wind. God is love. and I can see the wind in the trees and feel it blow my hair.
end vent.
hugs everyone. thanks for reading.
I have been isolating quite a bit lately and so I believe I will let it all out...
I guess I will start with myself. I have been struggling with a lot of things lately. I have been maintaining the status quo of work, hobbies, and even getting better at my housework. These are all indicators of self care for me. But I have been avoiding my normie friends dropped my sponsor, and haven't been going to meetings. Im still sober. No weed. No Alcohol. The cravings are less but that is for a different board.
I am struggling with the addicts in my life.
My mother is sober for many years, but is displaying many strange behaviors. She is blowing up my Facebook in the most inappropriate ways. She posts paragraphs all about herself all over my posts, things I comment on and my pictures. begging me to come see her in public. She would be driving me insane if I allowed her to. I wonder if she has NPD and I should just accept it. I do not want to go No Contact but I have decided that as she ages I will be sending her into either a facility or group home. I feel as though she is mentally disabled and she is the child and I am the parent. She is like a toddler clinging to my skirts. completely self centered.
My biological sister has moved away from the Vegas Strip and has been in recovery from alcohol since January. It is amazing and such a blessings to see how her lifestyle has changed. Her Facebook used to be filled with pictures of alcohol and gambling, I now see horses and sunsets, pictures of her son and many different sober activities. Talk about changing places! Im so very glad she left the city and moved to the country.
My ex who is rarely mentioned here, we can call him T, is the father of my children is visiting them regularly every week. A recent evaluation for my sons special needs deemed him a fit parent when I voiced concerns about his alcohol use. He voiced concerns in retaliation about me smoking weed. I passed evaluation with flying colors.
His sister, the kids auntie has relapsed again on heroin. Their mother is on a codie binge paying his mortgage, his sisters rent, and really just trying to hold everything together.
Her husband, my kids step grandpa legally, approached me today and commended me for my strength and growth and clue me into all of this.
I still have not heard from their brother. whom I do consider my brother. He is lost in the gutter of Hamtrammak in Detroit. Heroin, E, DXM. who knows what else. I don't think he has died yet, he wears dog tags with his name and info on them so as not to be buried as a jon doe. He is adamant that he will die in his addiction.
My biological brother is a blessing. He is 2 - 3 years in recovery from alcohol and has just been asked to lead the music at his church. our relationship is still distant but no longer strained. I am at peace with this. I love him very much.
D, whom I have posted about most often was white knuckling again when I saw him on Wednesday. He stole a computer and camera from his grandparents on Sunday, returned them on Monday after his mom paid to get them out of the pawn shop, and will not be going to jail for felony burglary. I cushioned that fall sadly enough. I met with him at the mall and he confessed to me and then to them. I really was sure he would go to jail and am very surprised that his family did not press charges.
In all of the chaos around me. I am reminded of a garage band of some kids from my church in high school. They released an album called "The only constant is change" I believe that is true, but really and truthfully... my HP never changes. He is there. He is strong. He is not chaotic. He is like having an imaginary friend, but he is real.
The wind has been blowing here lately, usually the air is still in the desert valley.... in a codie meltdown I turned on the movie "A Walk to Remember" and ate a pi t of ice cream. bad Idea... but all things work for good. There is this quote in it: " love is like the wind. I can't see it, but I can feel it." then I remembered the verse "god is love"
so now, tonight, I can say I can't feel him in my spirit. I can't see him right now. but I can say that Love is the wind. God is love. and I can see the wind in the trees and feel it blow my hair.
end vent.
hugs everyone. thanks for reading.
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
You may call it a 'vent' but I see recovery all over your post!!
I would suggest though that you get in touch with your sponsor. A sponsor can be a BIG help with more than 'just the steps.'
You have a lot on your plate my friend, and some of it you can probably 'scrap' but only you know what that will be. When we find recovery, from any and all of our 'addictions' we come to find out that they are only a 'symptom' of much deeper 'inner' problems/things' that we ourselves must work on, to change us. After all we are the only person we can change or fix.
There is nothing wrong with 'unfriending' your mom on FB for a while. And when she asks, the simple answer is, you keep blowing up my facebook page. Then change the subject.
Yes, many times the child does become the parent, and it is a real bummer. I know I had to take on that roll and it is not fun! Not at all! But I found it is doable.
I don't know how old your mom is, but suspect she may be starting 'the changes' and they can be really rough on a woman. With pre menopause and then menopause, my mother turned into a 'certifiable crazy person' for almost 10 years, and it was horrible, not only for her but for my sister and I. There was no internet back then, but talk about 'blowing up a phone', sheesh and sometimes 2 or 3 letters a day in the mail.
This just might be the time for you to go NC with D for a while. Could be a sign from your HP. Reread your post several times over the next few days ..................... I do believe you have just received some 'new awakenings' from your HP showing you just how much your peace and serenity is being encroached on.
I also suspect that after a few visits with both your children by their father, he may want to only take your daughter, and it should be 'all or nothing', lol so that he gets a good experience with his austic son and maybe starts to see just what is involved. He may just start foregoing his visits. Also, if he shows up 'reeking' of alcohol, I do believe you have the right (check with your attorney) to not allow him to take the children or to have time with them under your supervision.
You do have a very full plate, and I give you a 'high five' for staying on top of the washing, etc as anyone who has had children, knows just how hard it is to do everything and keep a house looking neat and clean. Especially when one child has a disability. You go girl!!!! You are doing a fantastic job!
I am sending you a pm.
Love and hugs,
I would suggest though that you get in touch with your sponsor. A sponsor can be a BIG help with more than 'just the steps.'
You have a lot on your plate my friend, and some of it you can probably 'scrap' but only you know what that will be. When we find recovery, from any and all of our 'addictions' we come to find out that they are only a 'symptom' of much deeper 'inner' problems/things' that we ourselves must work on, to change us. After all we are the only person we can change or fix.
There is nothing wrong with 'unfriending' your mom on FB for a while. And when she asks, the simple answer is, you keep blowing up my facebook page. Then change the subject.
Yes, many times the child does become the parent, and it is a real bummer. I know I had to take on that roll and it is not fun! Not at all! But I found it is doable.
I don't know how old your mom is, but suspect she may be starting 'the changes' and they can be really rough on a woman. With pre menopause and then menopause, my mother turned into a 'certifiable crazy person' for almost 10 years, and it was horrible, not only for her but for my sister and I. There was no internet back then, but talk about 'blowing up a phone', sheesh and sometimes 2 or 3 letters a day in the mail.
This just might be the time for you to go NC with D for a while. Could be a sign from your HP. Reread your post several times over the next few days ..................... I do believe you have just received some 'new awakenings' from your HP showing you just how much your peace and serenity is being encroached on.
I also suspect that after a few visits with both your children by their father, he may want to only take your daughter, and it should be 'all or nothing', lol so that he gets a good experience with his austic son and maybe starts to see just what is involved. He may just start foregoing his visits. Also, if he shows up 'reeking' of alcohol, I do believe you have the right (check with your attorney) to not allow him to take the children or to have time with them under your supervision.
You do have a very full plate, and I give you a 'high five' for staying on top of the washing, etc as anyone who has had children, knows just how hard it is to do everything and keep a house looking neat and clean. Especially when one child has a disability. You go girl!!!! You are doing a fantastic job!
I am sending you a pm.
Love and hugs,
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Lily
I also see recovery in your post. Often we are growing....and we can't see it but others can. It's a bit worrisome to isolate. I understand it....I was quite a talented isolator. But honestly, isolating didn't feel good....it was my only coping skill for the chaos I was experiencing. Learning to turn to others was very difficult for me.....I felt I was burdening them. But a burden shared is a burden lessened......
As far as your Mom goes.....I went through a period of loneliness and sadness after my daughter moved out. She is my youngest and we are good buddies. It's funny.....she and I were talking the other day....now.....we can take each other in "doses". Not too much. Not too little. It takes time for the relationship to change and mature. If I was bugging the crap out of my daughter, I suspect she would talk to me about it first and if I didn't adjust my behavior toward her....she'd unfriend me in a heartbeat. lol
There's a lot of addiction and alcoholism around you. Isn't it amazing that you have found a place of peace within yourself!? And a relationship with God. Yes....he is always there....I love the way you described His love in the wind. I'll carry that beautiful thought with me today. Thank you for sharing.
You've come a long way Lily.......keep taking care of you.
gentle hugs
ke
I also see recovery in your post. Often we are growing....and we can't see it but others can. It's a bit worrisome to isolate. I understand it....I was quite a talented isolator. But honestly, isolating didn't feel good....it was my only coping skill for the chaos I was experiencing. Learning to turn to others was very difficult for me.....I felt I was burdening them. But a burden shared is a burden lessened......
As far as your Mom goes.....I went through a period of loneliness and sadness after my daughter moved out. She is my youngest and we are good buddies. It's funny.....she and I were talking the other day....now.....we can take each other in "doses". Not too much. Not too little. It takes time for the relationship to change and mature. If I was bugging the crap out of my daughter, I suspect she would talk to me about it first and if I didn't adjust my behavior toward her....she'd unfriend me in a heartbeat. lol
There's a lot of addiction and alcoholism around you. Isn't it amazing that you have found a place of peace within yourself!? And a relationship with God. Yes....he is always there....I love the way you described His love in the wind. I'll carry that beautiful thought with me today. Thank you for sharing.
You've come a long way Lily.......keep taking care of you.
gentle hugs
ke
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Colorado
Posts: 577
Lily, I agree with the others...despite your very full plate there is recovery all over your post....and it's not just garnish (making things look pretty). I have opted to "restrict" several people on facebook. It's softer than deleting them completely but they don't see what you "like" or "post" on anyone elses items. If they go to your page they see you...but nothing new you've posted. When asked about where I've gone I just say "I'm not on facebook much these days...too busy living life!". It could make a difference for you...
Have a great day, and I also loved your "God is like the wind saying"....sometimes obviously present, others quietly bringing winds of change...Big hug to you today.
Have a great day, and I also loved your "God is like the wind saying"....sometimes obviously present, others quietly bringing winds of change...Big hug to you today.
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