How to keep moving forward?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 179
How to keep moving forward?
I posted a few days ago, but an ER visit three weeks ago opened my eyes to the depths of my AH's problem. Even after the hospital he was in intense denial, it was scary (though not physically dangerous to me) and I fled to a friends place for a few days and then kicked him out temporarily. I spoke with him yesterday and he is now admitting he has a problem, has started seeing an addiction counselor, and has started 12 step. It sounded maybe real. I am so relieved I can barely stand it but now that my fear that his life is in immediate danger is subsiding, I'm starting to more face how sad I feel about how much he betrayed me, and totally upended our life. I went to one Al Anon meeting and am going to go to another this week. I've reached out to friends and family but feel at such a loss of how to even picture moving forward with everything no matter what happens from here. This seems like such a long sad path to be on. I'm not sure what I'm asking for but I guess any concrete advice about ways to stay grounded and sane in the beginning of my own recovery and not just totally sink into sadness would be appreciated. Thanks.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
Springs,
I think you have already done a great job of taking care of you.
Going to Al Anon and talking to friends and family is the healthiest thing you can do for you.
Oh, I just re read your post and this is your husband.
Are you newly married?
I will go back and read your other posts, in the meantime, I just want to say I am sorry.
I know this is painful and sorrowful.
There is a grief process to go through.
You can do it, you have a great start already.
This is a wonderful place to come and vent about problems,
and to just complain sometimes.
We listen, we care. We always want to help.
Beth
I think you have already done a great job of taking care of you.
Going to Al Anon and talking to friends and family is the healthiest thing you can do for you.
Oh, I just re read your post and this is your husband.
Are you newly married?
I will go back and read your other posts, in the meantime, I just want to say I am sorry.
I know this is painful and sorrowful.
There is a grief process to go through.
You can do it, you have a great start already.
This is a wonderful place to come and vent about problems,
and to just complain sometimes.
We listen, we care. We always want to help.
Beth
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
i see I did have some advice on your first thread.
Well, Springs, you have to just keep moving.
One day at a time, one step at a time.
The things you have been ignoring and overlooking are staring you in the face now,
and man, I know that sucks.
but there is AlAnon, and you friends and here.
Your husband will choose his way too.
You need to start working on your way.
Beth
Well, Springs, you have to just keep moving.
One day at a time, one step at a time.
The things you have been ignoring and overlooking are staring you in the face now,
and man, I know that sucks.
but there is AlAnon, and you friends and here.
Your husband will choose his way too.
You need to start working on your way.
Beth
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 179
Wicked - thanks. Reading these threads has been helpful, but also daunting. It is nice to think I could have somewhere to type to.
We only got married seven months ago but we've lived together for three years and have known each other for over 10. I really am his family, which makes this so hard. Most of his drinking was secret. Only the last few month have been out of control, but now that my eyes have been opened I can see that something had been wrong for him this whole time and that on many levels I was trying to stop it as it has progressed. Everyone I've told has been floored in shock, though, so I'm not the only one who also believed the image he was projecting.
We only got married seven months ago but we've lived together for three years and have known each other for over 10. I really am his family, which makes this so hard. Most of his drinking was secret. Only the last few month have been out of control, but now that my eyes have been opened I can see that something had been wrong for him this whole time and that on many levels I was trying to stop it as it has progressed. Everyone I've told has been floored in shock, though, so I'm not the only one who also believed the image he was projecting.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Springs, my husband has been a "secret" alcoholic also. We are married for 17 years and together for 19, and I know that feeling of the bottom dropping out when you find out what is going on, and HAS been going on for years behind your back. You look back, w/your new knowledge, and suddenly all those things that just didn't seem quite right (but you couldn't put your finger on what was really wrong) suddenly make sense.
Oh, so he never wanted to go to the park and go swimming in the summer b/c it would interfere w/his drinking time, he always packed a really small lunch for work so he'd have an empty stomach, the quicker to get a buzz after work upstairs in his model-building room, he always had to keep cash on hand so he could buy bottles w/o leaving a paper trail....the list goes on and on. And the feeling is as if you are standing at the edge of a cliff while it slowly crumbles away under your very feet.
And yeah, it sucks. Hard. As you said, it's a long sad path to be on, and you find yourself going "wow, how the F did I end up HERE?"
I'm really new here myself, but I found that Alanon meetings did help keep me sane and went to several a week for a while. Now I've cut back a bit on traditional meetings but have some email groups plus SR. Also, I'm slowly trying to get involved in the outside world again, as I've gotten really isolated. I have made a volunteer commitment at 2 different places and am doing some hiking w/a group on occasion, and it helps SO MUCH to just get out and about and take your mind off your problems. While there is much that is F'd up, there is much that is beautiful and good, too. Just trying to see some of that every day helps a lot.
I found this bit of writing, entitled "Just for Today", http://www.nhal-anon.org/Just4Today.html to be a great outline for how to drag myself out of the Great Swamp of Despair; hope it helps you too.
Oh, so he never wanted to go to the park and go swimming in the summer b/c it would interfere w/his drinking time, he always packed a really small lunch for work so he'd have an empty stomach, the quicker to get a buzz after work upstairs in his model-building room, he always had to keep cash on hand so he could buy bottles w/o leaving a paper trail....the list goes on and on. And the feeling is as if you are standing at the edge of a cliff while it slowly crumbles away under your very feet.
And yeah, it sucks. Hard. As you said, it's a long sad path to be on, and you find yourself going "wow, how the F did I end up HERE?"
I'm really new here myself, but I found that Alanon meetings did help keep me sane and went to several a week for a while. Now I've cut back a bit on traditional meetings but have some email groups plus SR. Also, I'm slowly trying to get involved in the outside world again, as I've gotten really isolated. I have made a volunteer commitment at 2 different places and am doing some hiking w/a group on occasion, and it helps SO MUCH to just get out and about and take your mind off your problems. While there is much that is F'd up, there is much that is beautiful and good, too. Just trying to see some of that every day helps a lot.
I found this bit of writing, entitled "Just for Today", http://www.nhal-anon.org/Just4Today.html to be a great outline for how to drag myself out of the Great Swamp of Despair; hope it helps you too.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Dear Springs, I recently found an excellent website---with good articles about the problems of early recovery stage. It is: peggyferguson.marriage-family.com.
I would recommend it to anyone else reading this thread who may be experiencing issues in the early stages of recovery (partner or self).
dandylion
I would recommend it to anyone else reading this thread who may be experiencing issues in the early stages of recovery (partner or self).
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 148
Originally Posted by honeypig 
I know that feeling of the bottom dropping out when you find out what is going on, and HAS been going on for years behind your back. You look back, w/your new knowledge, and suddenly all those things that just didn't seem quite right (but you couldn't put your finger on what was really wrong) suddenly make sense.
Oh, so he never wanted to go to the park and go swimming in the summer b/c it would interfere w/his drinking time, he always packed a really small lunch for work so he'd have an empty stomach, the quicker to get a buzz after work upstairs in his model-building room, he always had to keep cash on hand so he could buy bottles w/o leaving a paper trail....the list goes on and on. And the feeling is as if you are standing at the edge of a cliff while it slowly crumbles away under your very feet.
Oh, so he never wanted to go to the park and go swimming in the summer b/c it would interfere w/his drinking time, he always packed a really small lunch for work so he'd have an empty stomach, the quicker to get a buzz after work upstairs in his model-building room, he always had to keep cash on hand so he could buy bottles w/o leaving a paper trail....the list goes on and on. And the feeling is as if you are standing at the edge of a cliff while it slowly crumbles away under your very feet.
Thanks for the post Springs! I am going through this same thing myself except my AH has no health issues to speak of, so he is still in denial. He secretly drinks and tells me he is doing fine with no drinking - Ha! Go figure!
I am just taking baby-steps, one day at a time.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: somewhere south
Posts: 510
Originally Posted by unhappyspouse
Wow - Honey, I could have written this myself! It really is mind boggling and so very, very hurtful!
Thanks for the post Springs! I am going through this same thing myself except my AH has no health issues to speak of, so he is still in denial. He secretly drinks and tells me he is doing fine with no drinking - Ha! Go figure!
I am just taking baby-steps, one day at a time.
Thanks for the post Springs! I am going through this same thing myself except my AH has no health issues to speak of, so he is still in denial. He secretly drinks and tells me he is doing fine with no drinking - Ha! Go figure!
I am just taking baby-steps, one day at a time.
I too am taking baby steps taking care of myself and creating a plan. I feel stronger now and I'm just about ready to confront him again about his drinking because I now have a plan and Im not willing to live like this anymore.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 179
It's great to check back and have all of these replies. Thank you all. I really relate to the baby steps part. It is so hard to not want to do this all at once and just try to fix it quickly and appropriately, like I've done with other problems. I'm seeing, though, that this isn't that kind of problem and I have to be patient with myself as I move forward.
I saw my AH today. It was sad and hard. He admits he has a problem and is taking responsibility for the pain he caused me, but that only goes so far. I think both of us wanted to fast forward to just going back to normal but I know that would only feed the addiction. We talked for an hour and half (which was probably too long, emotionally) and then parted ways. He is still out of the apt. for now but we won't be able to afford that long-term. I have no clue what happens from here and that is hard.
Thanks for listening.
Originally Posted by unsureoffuture
I too am taking baby steps taking care of myself and creating a plan. .
I saw my AH today. It was sad and hard. He admits he has a problem and is taking responsibility for the pain he caused me, but that only goes so far. I think both of us wanted to fast forward to just going back to normal but I know that would only feed the addiction. We talked for an hour and half (which was probably too long, emotionally) and then parted ways. He is still out of the apt. for now but we won't be able to afford that long-term. I have no clue what happens from here and that is hard.
Thanks for listening.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
