ruthhoney

The recovering drug addict who has been interested in me over a few years (As in telling me that he is genuinely interested in me, telling me he likes me and cares about me, indeed cared about me and offered me help whenever I needed it) sent me a message (I don't know where you got the idea that we were somehow dating or something, but it's definately not anything I have had in mind - I need to focus on myself and my recovery is my priority.

He asked me out (then relapsed and went to rehab) so we never got the change to go on a date. Now he's back from treatment and has been sober for sometime (9 months). He found out my number and reconnected with me telling me that he's always found me an interesting person and that he wanted to keep in touch with me and that whenever I wanted to contact him, I can reach him. But then he made almost no efforts on me. (Very different from pre-rehab behavior) Didn't initiate communication, didn't make plans to see me on weekends.

I felt strange and thought he relapsed again (coz he would cut of communication when he was using before) so I sent him harsh messages assuming he relapsed (I was always the person that uplifted and encouraged him). He was offended by my behavior and started ignoring me. (he never purposely ignored me before he went to rehab, and if he didn't respond to me in time due to drug use (now I know), he would apologize coming u with different excuses.

So I got really angry and confused and I told him I cannot stand the secrecy anymore and I need to talk to him seriously about us. (There're other guys who asked me out and are waiting for my response as I value my feelings for him since we've known each other for a long time) I cannot wait for him anylonger without him giving me clear message about his drug use and recovery.

Then he sent me the above message. It pissed me off so much. I cannot believe I'm being led on in the most disrespectful way. I cannot explain it. Could it be that he liked me and confessed his feelings to me before in blackout or when high and he remembered none of them?

He is recovering from long term cocaine, alcohol, prescription drug use (he relied on drugs to function in daily life). He treated me very well and always showed interests in and care for me when he was functioning with drugs. I have no idea about the hehaviral change.

This really blew my self-esteem. I can't believe a man would deny wanting to date me and being interested in me. It made me think that he was only interested in me when high and couldnt remember anything now.

Anyone can help me understand the recovering addict (9 moths) sober better? I grew to resent him but don't really want to. I hope he can recover whether or not we're in each other's life. It's just very very confusing for me.

AnvilheadII

so...you two have never been on a DATE? not one?

PurpleWilder

Most recovery programs recommend no major life changes for the first year of sobriety. This would include starting romantic relationships. If it were me, I would give this one a pass - he doesn't sound ready.

ruthhoney

long story. Official date. No. But we worked together.

AnvilheadII

so all this hoo hah over someone who has never made the time to DATE you...only "expressed" interest and then countered that by saying he's NOT interested. interspersed with drinking and rehab stuff.

I guess i'm not getting the real ISSUE here? from my removed perspective I don't see what the real catch is here. move on, cross him off the list. don't waste precious time trying to figure out what MAY be going on in his head. there are plenty of AVAILABLE men....honest, forthright, non-addicted, consistent men.

and then of course, most importantly, there's YOU!!!

Tuffgirl

Ruthhoney, let this one go. He is no prize worth renting space in your head any longer. Doesn't matter if he is currently sober or not. Doesn't matter what he did. You have an opportunity to move on and leave this as far behind you as you can. Take it!

You see, obsessing about it and trying to understand irrational behavior is a complete waste of time. You will never understand, nor will it ever make sense. It's irrational!

It is your choice to let it be a blow to your self-esteem. It doesn't have to be. Rather than look at it that way, how about re-framing it into a learning lesson? Take the opportunity to read some books about dating, men, and relationships. I'd recommend first and foremost "10 Stupid Things Women Do To Mess Up Their Lives" by Dr. Laura Schlessinger.

Dating and relationships are chancy. Sometimes we score and find the love of our lives. Sometimes we crash and burn. And no one promised me that dating would be easy. As a matter of fact, I've been warned again and again by very wise people that I will kiss a lot of frogs before I find my Prince Charming. And I've learned that the frogs are so much easier to identify when I feel confidence in my self-worth and ability to stand strong in my values and boundaries.

I've had a handful of dates over the last few months that ended when I stood firm on something - like not having sex on date #2, which seems to be quite popular these days - and you know what my attitude is about it? Good riddance! Play stupid games with me trying to manipulate me into doing something I don't believe in? Good riddance! Act wishy-washy? Bye-bye jerkface. Waste my time? So long...move along.

Your attitude and perspective can use an overhaul in regards to this situation. And its on you and only you to change that. It's one thing to be angry; its another thing entirely to waste one more second of this precious life worrying about losers.

Go find your Prince! He's out there, waiting for you, too. It's just not this guy.

Peace,
~T

Recovering2

You two have never dated, and you're already struggling with communication. And addiction. I'm having a really difficult time trying to figure out why YOU'RE waiting on HIM to decide what happens!

So he finds you interesting. Move on.....

doggonecarl

He said, "I need to focus on myself and my recovery is my priority."

Take him at his word.

Lily1918

I would give my right hand for D to send me this message and for it to be true. :,l

it really is a blessing in disguise

Sally3127

I'm definitely confused. As my mom always said " there are plenty of fish in the sea."

Carlotta

Just count your lucky stars!!! Many nice normal men out there

MTSlideAddict

I agree with the other posters. It sounds as if his thoughts are all over the place. Knowing him and discussing the possibility of dating with him has already taken you on the miny coaster of confusion. If you stick around with this one you may be strapping yourself onto the looping upside down coaster of confusion and chaos that many of us here get stuck on.

No sense in worrying about what he is or isn't doing or thinking. It will only keep you going round and round on the confusion ride. Take charge of your relationships and find someone healthy instead of waiting for this one to dictate how and when a relationship will or will not happen. There are plenty of men out there.

ruthhoney

I know most people will not understand why its difficult for me to move on. It's becaseu he treated me very well before and defended my interests in an event that was critical to me at the time. I startd developing feelings for him after that incidence. He was bascially criying in front of me yet chose to do things in my best interest in that event. My heart was touched. I knew his substance abuse and never thought I would fall for someone with that kind of habits. I'm the type of girl that can't stand/live with smoke, drug, alcohol...

But once the heart has been deeply touched, it's become difficult not to care about this person.

I always know one thing. Once I have relationship expectation of this man, things will go bad. And it is what's happened...