Midlifecrisis

Fecked everything up.

My husband does not trust me. I deactivated my Facebook so he doesn't have to worry about who I am talking to.

I can't apologise enough. No matter how hard I try I can't get things right. I feel like I will always have this reputation as a druggie. My husband will always have this element of doubt towards me. My kids need a better mother. Someone other than me.

I seriously want to die. I can't see any other way because what's done is done. So much right now I would love to just fall asleep on a cloud and not wake up. But I don't for the kids sake. It's no way to live.

I don't even know what I am saying, rambling on. I don't know how to live without an addiction. I have no idea. I don't know how to live under constant suspicion. I have completely fecked my life and those around me. They have all put up with enough.

There's no point to this post. My husband was going to call the police on me this morning because I wanted him to just take the kids away. Since we moved to this town 5 years ago I have had stuff up after stuff up. What's next.

I don't even know why I am posting. I'm sick of living like this with constant headaches, feeling like crap, not wanting to live, not wanting to die. Wanting to use, knowing I can't. Hubby told me this morning he was seriously going to leave with the life when I was in detox.

He's a good person, like amazing and he deserves so much better.

ImperfectlyMe

Are you using midlife

Midlifecrisis

No. I'm on day 3.

Midlifecrisis

We have been blessed with amazing friends who have gone out of their way. I have everything I should need but I still stuff up.

There's no services in this ridiculous town. Or even close apart from my counsellor an hour away. No meetings. Nothing.

Dee74

It takes time to rebuild things MLC.

You may feel like things will never get better - but they will...as long as you keep making the right choices.

I know you're in the country....real life support takes a bit to get to...but maybe it's time to make the effort there and check some things out...?

even online meetings might help...surely having that stuff on your PC is better than not doing anything and trying to muddle through on your own?

If you feel especially vulnerable, remember there's always crisis numbers to call.

I know I've given the links to you before but I'll give them to you again if you like?

D

ImperfectlyMe

Ok so you have that going for you you can rebuild trust slowly over time font give up I. Yourself!!!!!!!!
We at SR won't let you

Midlifecrisis

I can get online on the laptop I guess, it's my sons, my laptop and the PC are broken.

Dee74

You can always erase the history etc.?

D

Midlifecrisis

Yeah

ElegantlyWasted

Use incognito mode in google chrome. You're on day 3 again. Its as good a starting point as any and better than day 1 or 2. You can do this. Takes time to rebuild, be a little patient with yourself and those around you.

Midlifecrisis

It's just that I fell into this complete black hole this mornjng. I could not stop crying, told him to take the kids so I could just disappear and not screw anyone else up. I really wanted to. I'm not trying to sound dramatic, it's just how it is.

Midlifecrisis

I didn't know about incognito, thansms

Dee74

Most browsers have private browsing mode now, yeah.

D

Pedro1234

Sending good vibes to you MLC Keep your chin up.

Anna

MLC, you need to be more patient with your husband. You just finished rehab a few weeks ago and he hasn't had time to begin to trust you again.

I am going to do something here that I almost never do - Tough Love. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Stop saying what you can't do. Tell us what you can do to help yourself, right now, today. How about journaling? How about reading a book on spirituality? There are things you can do. And, how about trying to not make your husband more upset by suggesting taking the kids away - that's the last thing you want.

Yes, things seem bleak for you right now, but you can change that. Shift your thinking from negative to positive and see if it doesn't make a difference.

Midlifecrisis

But I really felt that way. That they would all be better off without me. It was a scary place to be.

I don't blame him for anything, I don't. It's all completely my fault.

Malachi

I agree with Anna. Stop talking about what you can't do, or didn't do. Start thinking and doing what you can.

tomsteve

ok, whats the solution now???

wheres God in all this?

Midlifecrisis

I apologise for being negative.

Dee74

Noones disputing you've felt or feel that way MLC.
A lot of us have.

here are those links again

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ease-read.html

Counselling Online - Home

Counselling Online is a service where you can communicate with a professional counsellor about an alcohol or drug related concern, using text-interaction.

This service is free for anyone seeking help with their own alcohol and drug use, or if you are concerned about a family member, relative or friend.
Counselling Online is available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, across Australia. You may choose to use this service anonymously or can register for ongoing assistance.
If you are in a crisis situation or need immediate medical assistance go to the section of this website or call DirectLine for 24-hour, 7-day counselling, information and referral on 1800 888 236.

Salvos Care Line
24 hr counselling- 1300 36 36 22

Lifeline
24 hr counselling. All Issues.
Phone: 13 11 14 (cost of local call from landline)

Crisis Chat - Lifeline
https://www.lifeline.org.au/Find-Hel...es/crisis-chat

Suicide Call Back Service
Phone: 1300 659 467
Seven days a week, 10am - 8.30pm (EST) to speak to Suicide Call back Service counsellors. After hours calls are answered by SuicideLine (VIC) counsellors.

This service is available 8pm - midnight 7 days a week
(EST 1 April - 4 October)
(EDT 5 October - 31 March)

If the service appears 'offline' or 'busy', please call Lifeline on 13 11 14.

D