pennylane2009

I haven't been here in a long time, mostly because I've been back drinking. Lately, though, things have been getting worrisome. On Saturday, I got drunk around the kids, hiding vodka in my diet coke. No one seemed to notice I was tipsy, but I couldn't remember conversations the next day.

It bothered me, but even that didn't stop me from drinking half a bottle of wine Sunday night. Around 3 a.m. Monday, when I was wide awake (because of the damn alcohol, stupid) I realized I might be back to having a problem.

So I haven't had a drink since Sunday. Or, rather, Monday was my first sober day. Tuesday was easy. Tonight is harder.

I really want a drink tonight. Just throwing that out there.

Dee74

Hi Penny - sorry you're struggling but it's good to see you again.

The very fact you posted must mean at least part of you wants to get back to where you were.

You know the support and encouragement here.

I hope you stick around

D

pennylane2009

Thanks, Dee. I feel a bit sad about all this. I thought I had it under control, but it's clear that I do not and that it could get much, much worse if I keep drinking. So I'm not sure if I'm taking a hiatus or a full-blown stop. I just will be very disappointed in myself if I drink today.

That's all I got.

Dee74

Sometimes thats all you need.

'I will not drink today'.

It can all start from there

D

NevarCiots

We all screw up. It happens. Alot of us care about your future choices. Moderators and vets will tell you to go to a doctor or meetings.

Tell us more what you are going through.

MIRecovery

The problem we all face is the progress nature of alcoholism. If you are an alcoholic it only gets worse never better with the final bottom being death. There is hope because we don't have to drink today if we do not want to. We also do not have to drink to day even if we do want to. It is when the fear of of staying the same is greater than the fear of change this real progress happen

pennylane2009

Thanks guys. I went for a walk. I feel a little better, especially now that it's getting closer to bedtime and I know I can just go to sleep soon.

I'm not feeling particularly share-y, so I'll just leave it all at this for now. Like I said, I'm not sure if I'm back or if I'm just not drinking today. But I'm 99% sure I'll make it through today, so there's that.

Tomorrow, of course, is another issue.

wiscsober

You are worthy of recovery no matter what the disease tells you

MIRecovery

If you stay sober today you've been successful. Any day sober is a good day

pennylane2009

Update: I didn't drink last night. Thanks to everyone for your support!

MIRecovery

I ask my higher power everyday to grant that the obsession and compulsion to drink will be lifted from me today. Almost 4 years later it has worked out pretty well so I keep doing it.

Give it a shot I think you'll be pleased with the results

doggonecarl

I hope you will decide to stick around. You've been a struggling member of SR too long. Give recovery your all and reward yourself, and your children, with the gift of sobriety.

Bruce292

Thank you for posting. It reminds me that I have to be vigilant, and that I have to keep doing the work necessary to keep sober, and that it will be difficult. Thank you for helping.

Anna

Penny, it's good to see you back!