Tleac

I accidentally posted this in the Friends and Family of Alcoholics forum. I did receive a few helpful comments, but I also wanted to share here. Here is my post:

Hi, I'm new here. ...wishing now I would have found this site years ago.

I have no one to talk to about my life right now. I've tried talking to my family and friends, which has backfired because they all ended up disowning my husband, and I've tried talking to his family, but they don't want to hear it.

My husband and I have been married for over 2 1/2 years now. I have known him since 5th grade and we started dating in college. At this point I had a 1 year old daughter from a previous relationship. I found out he was using so I broke up with him. He "got clean" so we got back together, eventually got engaged, and then married. A few months after we got married he admitted to me that he started using again about 8 months before. I couldn't believe it. I was hysterical. Here I had dreamed about being married to my prince charming and having a great happy family for my entire life and now everything crumbles before my eyes. I tried to support him in his effort to get clean, but in these stages of his addiction I was still a naive baby when it came to loving an addict, so when I look back now I really have no idea if he was ever really putting any effort forth. It wasn't until I kicked him out, then moved to him, then I left him again, then he went to rehab, then he got kicked out for using, then I got pregnant and had a beautiful baby girl with him, then left him again, that I FINALLY realized that this just really may NEVER end! I can't remember a HAPPY Birthday, Mother's Day, Christmas, or any holiday for that matter, with him.
I thought when I got pregnant he would for sure quit. No...no he didn't. But definitely when the baby gets here he will quit!!!....RIGHT?! No! In fact, not 10 minutes after she was born he was out of that hospital running to get his fix.
Recently my husband wrecked and totaled his vehicle. Thankfully the man he hit was not hurt and neither was he. God was watching over him. Big time. At the scene of the accident he broke down and decided it was time to change. I was more loving and supportive than I had ever been before. He has told me every day for the longest time now that "If you just showed me some love and were supportive of me it would change everything!" So I decided to give that a shot. I'm not living with him right now so it was hard to just give him the trust but what did I have to lose? He was laid up in bed for the rest of the week, getting sick from withdrawals, and he never called or returned my texts. This made me feel pretty crummy because I was being SO incredibly encouraging, which took a lot for me to do since I have already been through this a million times and have nothing to show for it, and he didn't show me anything back. Not thank you, not I love you, ...nothing. But I decided to not complain. This was about him getting better, not how I'm feeling. I was so excited because I felt like I was about to have my husband back! WOOHOOO!!! Wait...have him back? Did I ever really have a husband to begin with? Hmm
So anyway, he opened up to me. He told me of everything he has pawned and stolen, why he lies so much, and then he told me he hadn't touched any kind of pills for the last two years. Which is what I always thought he was doing because this is what got him started (from an injury) and it's what he always claimed to be on. So I got the big shocker that not only has my husband been using Heroin, but he has been shooting it up for two years. I didn't really react to it. I knew he had used it a couple time at least because I found paraphernalia, and I didn't want him to shut off from me. I wanted to know everything. Well, I'm not sure what happened after this night but very soon after I caught him using again. I found a needle in his pocket first when we went to a family event, then I found a spoon in his pants he had in his bag in my car, then I found a needle in his backpack he was about to take out of town to work...I told him I knew there were more so he ended up handing over a whole package of them. Or half. Who knows. I've broken every needle I've ever come in contact with and thrown away anything else that even looks like he could use for the rest of his kit. At one point, like many others, I too became the best Private Investigator ever to walk the planet. I have even thought about making it my career...ha. I've learned it's a waste of time. All addicts are liars. Nothing I ever did helped me in any way. All it did was confirm he was using...which I already knew, really.

My main dilemma now is trying to decide if I should keep waiting around or finally just throw in the towel. He and I both have a relationship with God. We are both strong Christians and neither of us want a divorce. If it weren't for my faith I probably would have been gone by now...maybe. I have been trying to talk him into going to rehab and trying to get it through his head that he can't do this on his own. He doesn't enjoy using, he wants to be clean, so he says. So why wouldn't he? He's got nothing stopping him!!!
But on days like yesterday and today, when he tells me things like "you need to focus on yourself and make changes to yourself and that will help me" I feel like just screaming at the top of my lungs "THIS IS NOT MY FAULT! I CAN'T CONTROL WHAT YOU DO! I DO NOT DESERVE THIS! I HAVE BEEN SO STRONG AND YOU ARE NOT ONLY KILLING YOURSELF, YOU ARE KILLING ME AND MY KIDS TOO!" I told him he needs to go talk to a counselor or a Pastor or something because he has got some serious denial going on. His response? "No I don't. That's what you don't get. You just think I am..." Followed by a lot more jibberjabber. He's about as manipulative as you can get. I'm realizing it more and more the more I distance myself from him.

Sorry this is so ridiculously long. There is no way I can even attempt to put a quarter of information about his addiction and our lives in this post. I could talk for hours. Basically I feel like it is his fault that our marriage is where it is, that our family is not a united and happy family because of him, we don't have the things we wanted to have by now because of him, and he is an addict because of his OWN choices. I feel like a strong woman for bearing with this roller coaster ride of a life and raising my 6 year old daughter and now my 7 month old as well. I should also add he does not financially help me with my bills or to support our daughter. He has given me about $300 since she was born. He has worked pretty much full time and earned thousands of dollars and has absolutely nothing to show for it.

Please Dear Lord....HELP!

lizwig

Hi tleac. Wow you have a lot on your plate. I'm sorry for what has brought you here but am glad you found this site. I'm afraid I can't speak to a romantic relationship with an addict, my qualifier is my son so it's a bit different. Have you considered attending al-anon? Or nar anon? Al-anon saved my sanity. Your husband has to want this for himself. I read your other post about him wanting you to succumb to his demands. Yeah don't we all! Haha. I would be very careful with that because once you accept any demand you've set the stage for more. Where would it stop. Remember we teach people how to treat us and we get what we tolerate. I've had to put some really solid boundaries in place with my son, I've talked about what they are in other posts if you search my activity. A recent one to sandwich artist I believe.. It is hard but you know what....if there is chaos now in my day it's because I've allowed it. After 5 years of absolute crazy making I finally feel like myself again. I know others will be along with their thoughts but really wanted to welcome you to the site. I'm sorry you're having to deal with this. Big hug...

mstrust

it really, REALLY never ceases to amaze me how very much alike they all are--what they do, say, everything. i'm sorry you are going through this, tleac. your story sounds so much like mine when it comes to how your husband is talking to you about rehab and his denial and his problem. i'm not married and have no children, but i got all that same stuff. if he talks to me at all now, he STILL tends to focus only on what he thinks i've done wrong and far, far too often i was and am told that what was definitely a real problem was just what i had made up in my head, just what i thought, and i was wrong. no. i wasn't.

i also read your other post and i think beyond a shadow of a doubt he is being manipulative about these "demands". i mean, first off, i agree with cynical one about the basic language being used. demands?!?! but as someone else already said and i'm sure others will too, there is not one thing you can do, not one correct way to behave, not one right thing to say, that will MAKE him get help. he is the only one who can possibly do that.

i also totally related to what you are saying about being down that road so many times and having nothing to show for it. it gets really difficult to keep conjuring up "sympathy" and/or "support" when nothing changes and if it does, it's only temporary. mine became 'the boy who cried wolf'...and i just ended up really angry which did neither one of us any good.

hang in there.

Tleac

Thank you for your responses! It feels great to be able to hear that I'm not REALLY crazy like my husband sometimes tries to say. I'm really to the point now where anything he does doesn't really effect me emotionally at all. I don't remember the last time I cried over something he did. This actually really scares me, though. I feel like this whole situation is turning me into a cold person. I'm scared it's going to change me permanently for the worse. I am glad my heart isn't in excruciating pain every day anymore, but just hoping it hasn't numbed me.

I have been to a couple Al Anon meetings. I didn't share my story in fear of breaking down in front of a bunch of people I don't even know. I know once I started talking I wouldn't be able to get 3 words out before getting hysterical. This was right after our baby was born though, so I was much more emotional about everything 7 months ago than I am now. I guess you can say I've become hard. :/ Not something I've ever actually wanted to be or think I am, but I don't know how else to put it. Cold. Numb. Hard. Wow. Never in a million years would I have thought that would be me. People used to call me Smiles because no one could wipe it off of my face. Ugh. Sad.

Bubovski

I don't think you mentioned N.A.
It seems to me he really needs ongoing help.
If he is genuine I see no reason not to try.
Can't see things clearing up of their own volition

Tleac

Hey Murchovski, does N.A. stand for Narcotics Anonymous? I have looked for support groups where I live and there are Narc Anon groups but they are for the addicts, not friends and family...

I also believe he does need ongoing help. I have asked him to do a 1 year program and told him that is the only way we can be together. I don't think he, or anyone for that matter, can clean up on their own after being an active heroin addict. Or anything opiate addict for that matter.

Sunshine2

No, you can rest assured you are nor cold nor hard. What seems like coldness and hardness is just self-protection.

You actually sound like a very together kind of person with a healthy perspective as to where the problem is.

You could always respond to his demands with something like: It is up to you whether you find recovery or not. You need to go to rehab because you want to get better. Nothing anyone says or does should affect that.

Tleac

I said "for that matter" twice. Ugh. *slaps forehead* Time for bed!

Tleac

Sunshine2 I LOVE YOU SO MUCH FOR THAT!

Very well said, thank you! I have told him nothing I say or do should affect his recovery. Of course he always has a response, though. It's never ending.

But seriously, for someone who has heard my story in a nut shell and then be told I
"sound like a very together kind of person with a healthy perspective"...it feels GREAT!

mstrust

tleac... i have also come to the point of feeling numb and the addict has tried MANY times to tell me how "cruel" and "cold" and "heartless" i am--especially when i am simply being matter-of-fact. i let that bother me more than a lot of other things he says. i'm not those things and i know that. but when you're wading through codependency, and caretaking is one of the things in codependency that goes awry, we, or at least i know i, can be extra sensitive about that. and it's used against me. so if he also starts telling you that you don't care about him and you are a heartless person, that is also just manipulation.

i just reread your post and remembered something a little "funny" i was told not too long ago. addict said to me, "and YOU won't do the ONE THING that could make this better." uh, what????

crazybabie

Nar-Anon is for the family as is Al-Anon

Na ( Narcotics Anonymous) is for the addict

There are some post from others who like us don't want to get divorced due to religious views and so many great responses on them I am hoping someone can remember who started them I found them helpful and feel you may as well.

Tleac

Oh I would LOVE to read those! Please do let me know if anyone knows where to find them!!!

lesliej

So I decided to give that a shot. I'm not living with him right now so it was hard to just give him the trust but what did I have to lose?

Tleac...I don't know what you have left to lose but I can tell you what I lost.

After 2 years with my ex who was in and out and in and out and in and out and in and out and in and out of using/not using...I lost my sanity.

I lost my trust.
I lost a good chunk of self esteem.
I lost the ability to have healthy conversations with friends and family about my relationship.
I lost the belief that I could make good choices.
I lost my belief in recovery.
I lost the belief that when he told me he loved me, that I was beautiful, (etc. etc.) that it was true.
I lost the focus on my own life and my important priorities.
I lost an insane amount of energy to worrying and despair.
I lost an insane amount of time to researching his addiction.
I lost resources to him.

This list could just go on and on and on and on.

I finally lost him.

And now, after a year and a half of hard work, I am still trying to regain my losses.
Addiction steals...and anyone connected to it loses.

Faithlove

Tleac,
I'm also a Christian. I believed it was my Christian duty to look after my husband, or anyone in need for that matter. And, to a point it is.

However, I've been reading a book called Boundaries, by Henry Cloud and John Townsend. This book has taught me that God puts boundaries in place for us and expects us to do the same. God expects people to be good stewards of what they are given and to reap what they sow. God also expects us to give with compassion, not sacrifice, lest we become resentful because of what we gave.

What boundaries do you have in place?

Tleac

I feel that I have also lost all of those things lesliej...and more. Everything besides the marriage title. I feel like I lost him a long time ago because this isn't him.

I have heard of the book Boundaries and I do need to get a copy of it to read for sure. Thank you for reminding me!

I probably don't have near enough boundaries in place..but here are the ones I can think of:

He is not allowed to be with my kids alone.
He is not allowed in my house unless he is invited.
My newest one is that if he brings any bags into my house I will search them before they come in. This hasn't happened yet because he hasn't been over since I found all those needles last time.

I think in our situation this pretty much covers all that I am worried about. Unless anyone has any boundaries they would like to suggest...I am always open to suggestions!

Kindeyes

I hope you read my post all the way through.....and that you take it in the manner that is intended.

The words that are highlighted above are some wise words coming out of addict's mouth. We often hear so much quacking that we can't hear anything of value. Those were highlighted words are valuable words. No. It is not your fault. And you're right. You don't control what he does.

But focusing on you and those two beautiful little children is what is truly important. As the loved ones of addicts, we have the opportunity to gather tools to take care of ourselves.....just like the addict does. And often....just like the addict.....we don't realize it and don't take advantage of finding the opportunities to learn those coping skills.

You're a smart cookie to at least get the chaos out of the house. I would highly recommend that you go back to those meetings (Al-Anon or Nar-Anon) or seek counseling with someone who specializes in working with addiction. There are great books to read to help learn those skills. But I found that the best teachers were those who had learned the skills before me and were kind enough to share their wisdom and give me guidance. I found those people in Nar-Anon.

Addiction is a crazy making disease. It doesn't just affect the addict.....it affects everyone close to the addict. It keeps us trapped in a constant state of anxiety and chaos. And it's really hard to get an understanding of how to make that better without some help. Your husband shared some wise words.....focus on you.....take care of you.

You're worth it and you are not alone.

gentle hugs
ke

PS- It took me a long time before I could make it through a meeting without tears.

Tleac

Thank you Kindeyes! Of course I read your post all the way through. I will always read anyone's response they take the time to write to me!

Oh, I agree with him 100% that I do need to focus on myself and work on bettering myself. I just don't agree that IF I do, THEN it will help him get better.

I really wish we had Nar-Anon groups where I live. I still have yet to find one. They're all Al-Anon, and while they still share very similar pain, I have felt a little out of place when I've attended their meetings. I am going to keep checking in case one pops up. This town could definitely use them, that's for sure.

I am finally starting to focus on myself. I used to consume my daily life worrying about where he really was and what he was really doing. And you said it! I was trapped in a constant state of anxiety and chaos. I still feel the chaos...just not so much the anxiety because I have let go. I have given up trying to take control. Finally.
I think another lie from him might have put me in the crazy house so I guess I've just started to build up a brick wall. I don't think he realizes what he is doing to our marriage and our family. I think he deep down thinks when he gets clean everything will just go back to normal. And if it doesn't, I will be called out on what a horrible wife I am for not being there.
Which is why I need Nar-Anon! But for now..I am so thankful for this support group. Everyone has been so amazingly supportive in just the few days I have been here!

Thank you Thank you!!!

Kindeyes

Absolutely! I agree with you!!! (that's why I didn't highlight that part of what he said and why it's often so hard to hear the "good" messages that our addicts may send our way! lol The "good" messages are often disguised or hidden amongst a bunch of quacking. lol)

I have said often here on SR that some of the wisest words I have heard came from my son. I just couldn't "hear" them because there was so much noise and confusion surrounding him. He once told me that "Everything is a degree of want. If one person wants something more than another, the degree of want is out of whack and it just won't work." It's so true. Often we want our loved one to get sober waaaay more than they want to get sober. The "degree of want" is out of whack. Until it balances or our "degree of want" shifts to what we do control (ourselves), it remains out of balance and does not work. Personally, I believe that this is one of the "laws of the universe" that I have disregarded in my past. I try to be mindful of that each day and and become more in tune to those precious laws.

gentle hugs
ke

Tleac

LOL! So very true! There are some valuable things my husband says that I do take into consideration and thought. It drives me nuts that some addicts are some of the most intelligent people I know and they could be so successful but they are wasting away their gift to the freaking devil.