Starting to feel the angst again-
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 458
Starting to feel the angst again-
So yesterday I got a call from EXAGs aunt. I know I shouldn't be communicating with her, but it happened.
I am feeling angst because I was informed EXAG will be returning to her home on Monday. Apparently she has managed to slip through any severe legal action on the 4th DUI. In a time of weakness, I called her at rehab. Her roommate answered, and I left a message. No call back. I am not expecting one, but part of me really wants one. I want to see and talk with her- sober for about 60 days now. I know I am not respecting her and her therapists wish of "No Contact while in Rehab." And I feel like a fool.
I am beating myself up for my controlling, condescending personality that dominated a lot of our relationship. I know it doesn't excuse her behavior, but I still cannot get over my contribution to her low self worth, and her drinking. As she has stated before, she thinks she drinks not because of me, but AT ME because of all of her resentments. Some of them are warranted.
I am obsessively thinking "NC because I promised therapist" is a front. I feel that she just plain and simple no longer loves me, but doesn't have the courage to tell me. I guess I am looking for what I may never get- closure. If you don't love me, tell me so. None of this "if its meant to be."
I am worried about the impending impulses to call, text or stop by once I know she is home. I have altered my driving, so I never go by her apartment (which is truly a pain in the butt). But knowing she is there will make it more difficult. Fortunately I am going out of town for 10 days, leaving the day before she gets out. Timing couldn't be better for me.
I shouldn't have called. I am a foolish idiot. I feel like I am going backwards.
Tonight I look forward to my Al Anon men's meeting.
I am feeling angst because I was informed EXAG will be returning to her home on Monday. Apparently she has managed to slip through any severe legal action on the 4th DUI. In a time of weakness, I called her at rehab. Her roommate answered, and I left a message. No call back. I am not expecting one, but part of me really wants one. I want to see and talk with her- sober for about 60 days now. I know I am not respecting her and her therapists wish of "No Contact while in Rehab." And I feel like a fool.
I am beating myself up for my controlling, condescending personality that dominated a lot of our relationship. I know it doesn't excuse her behavior, but I still cannot get over my contribution to her low self worth, and her drinking. As she has stated before, she thinks she drinks not because of me, but AT ME because of all of her resentments. Some of them are warranted.
I am obsessively thinking "NC because I promised therapist" is a front. I feel that she just plain and simple no longer loves me, but doesn't have the courage to tell me. I guess I am looking for what I may never get- closure. If you don't love me, tell me so. None of this "if its meant to be."
I am worried about the impending impulses to call, text or stop by once I know she is home. I have altered my driving, so I never go by her apartment (which is truly a pain in the butt). But knowing she is there will make it more difficult. Fortunately I am going out of town for 10 days, leaving the day before she gets out. Timing couldn't be better for me.
I shouldn't have called. I am a foolish idiot. I feel like I am going backwards.
Tonight I look forward to my Al Anon men's meeting.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
crazed, crazed, crazed....you gotta buck up buddy...i'm hearing a lot of "i know i shouldn'ts, but i did it anyways" stuff....what that statement REALLY says is: i want what i want when i want it and i want it NOW.
you CHOSE to talk to the aunt.
you CHOSE to keep that line of communication open.
you CHOSE to call the rehab when you have been told explicitly NOT TO.
and thus now you backfloating in the Swamp of Obsession.
you want CLOSURE? close the g/d door. and then nail it shut.
let her alone. last thing she needs is your naked need and obsession.
you CHOSE to talk to the aunt.
you CHOSE to keep that line of communication open.
you CHOSE to call the rehab when you have been told explicitly NOT TO.
and thus now you backfloating in the Swamp of Obsession.
you want CLOSURE? close the g/d door. and then nail it shut.
let her alone. last thing she needs is your naked need and obsession.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 220
"You don't just choose recovery. You have to keep choosing recovery over and over again. "
I just saw this quoted somewhere. It really stuck with me. We have to work HARD at this every single day Crazed.
What is the plan to stop this from happening again?
I just saw this quoted somewhere. It really stuck with me. We have to work HARD at this every single day Crazed.
What is the plan to stop this from happening again?
●▬๑۩۩๑▬●
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 1,405
Maybe think of it this way. Your behavior is stalker(ish) which could have a negative effect on your career and future relationships going forward if she feels uncomfortable and takes out an RO. Closure is overrated and you don't need the other person to achieve it.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: In bizarroworld
Posts: 94
I, too, wanted closure and nearly drove myself nuts trying to get it. Look at it this way: if you are not an addict (to something other than your ex, of course), when you interact with them, its like dealing with a blank wall. You're expecting "normal" human behavior from someone who's doing their level best just to focus on staying sober one minute at a time. Every time you put you in their path, you rattle that focus from that and onto you, their possible guilt for past behavior, etc. If you really care about your ex, and it sounds like you do. Trust me, I know how hard NC is. It's taken me 4 years to realize that the person I fell in love with isn't the person he is now. He's in relapse mode right now and if I try to save him again, I could be saving him to death.
You dont know that you two will never be together again. But, as painful as it might be, give her the time she needs to work on her. Don't be selfish and make this about what you want. Either that or, if you get her back, expect to live with a mess of a girl, and you both deserve more than that.
You dont know that you two will never be together again. But, as painful as it might be, give her the time she needs to work on her. Don't be selfish and make this about what you want. Either that or, if you get her back, expect to live with a mess of a girl, and you both deserve more than that.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
