Tleac

Hi, I'm new here. ...wishing now I would have found this site years ago.

I have no one to talk to about my life right now. I've tried talking to my family and friends, which has backfired because they all ended up disowning my husband, and I've tried talking to his family, but they don't want to hear it.

My husband and I have been married for over 2 1/2 years now. I have known him since 5th grade and we started dating in college. At this point I had a 1 year old daughter from a previous relationship. I found out he was using so I broke up with him. He "got clean" so we got back together, eventually got engaged, and then married. A few months after we got married he admitted to me that he started using again about 8 months before. I couldn't believe it. I was hysterical. Here I had dreamed about being married to my prince charming and having a great happy family for my entire life and now everything crumbles before my eyes. I tried to support him in his effort to get clean, but in these stages of his addiction I was still a naive baby when it came to loving an addict, so when I look back now I really have no idea if he was ever really putting any effort forth. It wasn't until I kicked him out, then moved to him, then I left him again, then he went to rehab, then he got kicked out for using, then I got pregnant and had a beautiful baby girl with him, then left him again, that I FINALLY realized that this just really may NEVER end! I can't remember a HAPPY Birthday, Mother's Day, Christmas, or any holiday for that matter, with him.
I thought when I got pregnant he would for sure quit. No...no he didn't. But definitely when the baby gets here he will quit!!!....RIGHT?! No! In fact, not 10 minutes after she was born he was out of that hospital running to get his fix.
Recently my husband wrecked and totaled his vehicle. Thankfully the man he hit was not hurt and neither was he. God was watching over him. Big time. At the scene of the accident he broke down and decided it was time to change. I was more loving and supportive than I had ever been before. He has told me every day for the longest time now that "If you just showed me some love and were supportive of me it would change everything!" So I decided to give that a shot. I'm not living with him right now so it was hard to just give him the trust but what did I have to lose? He was laid up in bed for the rest of the week, getting sick from withdrawals, and he never called or returned my texts. This made me feel pretty crummy because I was being SO incredibly encouraging, which took a lot for me to do since I have already been through this a million times and have nothing to show for it, and he didn't show me anything back. Not thank you, not I love you, ...nothing. But I decided to not complain. This was about him getting better, not how I'm feeling. I was so excited because I felt like I was about to have my husband back! WOOHOOO!!! Wait...have him back? Did I ever really have a husband to begin with? Hmm
So anyway, he opened up to me. He told me of everything he has pawned and stolen, why he lies so much, and then he told me he hadn't touched any kind of pills for the last two years. Which is what I always thought he was doing because this is what got him started (from an injury) and it's what he always claimed to be on. So I got the big shocker that not only has my husband been using Heroin, but he has been shooting it up for two years. I didn't really react to it. I knew he had used it a couple time at least because I found paraphernalia, and I didn't want him to shut off from me. I wanted to know everything. Well, I'm not sure what happened after this night but very soon after I caught him using again. I found a needle in his pocket first when we went to a family event, then I found a spoon in his pants he had in his bag in my car, then I found a needle in his backpack he was about to take out of town to work...I told him I knew there were more so he ended up handing over a whole package of them. Or half. Who knows. I've broken every needle I've ever come in contact with and thrown away anything else that even looks like he could use for the rest of his kit. At one point, like many others, I too became the best Private Investigator ever to walk the planet. I have even thought about making it my career...ha. I've learned it's a waste of time. All addicts are liars. Nothing I ever did helped me in any way. All it did was confirm he was using...which I already knew, really.

My main dilemma now is trying to decide if I should keep waiting around or finally just throw in the towel. He and I both have a relationship with God. We are both strong Christians and neither of us want a divorce. If it weren't for my faith I probably would have been gone by now...maybe. I have been trying to talk him into going to rehab and trying to get it through his head that he can't do this on his own. He doesn't enjoy using, he wants to be clean, so he says. So why wouldn't he? He's got nothing stopping him!!!
But on days like yesterday and today, when he tells me things like "you need to focus on yourself and make changes to yourself and that will help me" I feel like just screaming at the top of my lungs "THIS IS NOT MY FAULT! I CAN'T CONTROL WHAT YOU DO! I DO NOT DESERVE THIS! I HAVE BEEN SO STRONG AND YOU ARE NOT ONLY KILLING YOURSELF, YOU ARE KILLING ME AND MY KIDS TOO!" I told him he needs to go talk to a counselor or a Pastor or something because he has got some serious denial going on. His response? "No I don't. That's what you don't get. You just think I am..." Followed by a lot more jibberjabber. He's about as manipulative as you can get. I'm realizing it more and more the more I distance myself from him.

Sorry this is so ridiculously long. There is no way I can even attempt to put a quarter of information about his addiction and our lives in this post. I could talk for hours. Basically I feel like it is his fault that our marriage is where it is, that our family is not a united and happy family because of him, we don't have the things we wanted to have by now because of him, and he is an addict because of his OWN choices. I feel like a strong woman for bearing with this roller coaster ride of a life and raising my 6 year old daughter and now my 7 month old as well. I should also add he does not financially help me with my bills or to support our daughter. He has given me about $300 since she was born. He has worked pretty much full time and earned thousands of dollars and has absolutely nothing to show for it.

Please Dear Lord....HELP!

LexieCat

Hi, Tleac, and welcome!

I'm so sorry you and your family are in this situation right now. I know how scary and upsetting it is to deal with addiction.

You are more than welcome to post here, but I think you might get feedback more relevant to your personal situation on the forum for Friends and Family of Substance Abusers. This is the one for F & F of Alcoholics. Even though many of the issues are the same--and our pain certainly is!--I'm thinking you might find more people who understand just what the living with a drug addict experience is like, over there.

All you need to do is click "Friends and Family" at the top of this page, and you will find the F & F of Substance Abusers right below this one.

Hugs, and I also hope you will find a Nar-Anon or Al-Anon family group meeting near you. It's a HUGE relief to be able to share freely with people who know EXACTLY what you are dealing with!

Pelican

Welcome to the SR family!

Thank you for taking the time to share your story with us. I'm glad you are here, but sorry for the circumstances that brought you here. Please continue to read, post and share as often as needed.

When I first arrived here, I learned about the 3 C's of my husband's addiction to alcohol:

I did not Cause it
I can not Control it
I will not Cure it

It took me some time to accept that concept. I wanted to believe our love and family were enough motivation to bring about lasting change. If that were true, then there wouldn't be a need for Support Groups for Friends and Family Members of Addicts.

I learned more about addiction by reading in these forums. I learned more about how to control the one life that was mine to control (ME) by attending Alanon support groups and reading self-improvement books like "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. Some of the Alanon meetings I attended were in small communities and the only Family Support Groups were Alanon, so they were attended by members dealing with drug addiction, alcohol addictions, gambling addictions, etc.

Here is a link to one of my favorite SR posts. It is a sticky post at the top of this main page. I followed these steps while living with my husband's addiction:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html

Recovering2

Dear Tleac, you already seem to have a lot of insight about your situation. You are NOT the reason your husband uses drugs. His decision to use has nothing to do with whether you are supportive or not. It's not your job to fix him. But the addict will always make it about the other person, it's part of their denial.

The only thing your husband said that makes sense it that you need to focus on yourself. On that one...he's right. There is nothing you can do to change him, but you can decide what YOU want in this life, and what is good for your children. Addiction progresses...you haven't seen the worst of it yet.

I understand your feelings about marriage, but when only one partner is committed to the marriage it doesn't really bode well for the future. Your husband will stay in the re'ship, why wouldn't he? You are taking care of everything. I don't believe for one minute that God wants you to spend your life being pulled down the drain by an addict. Take the lessons He is giving you here, and move on. If nothing else, you need to get those kids out of this or they will suffer far more consequences than you.

I hope you find a NarAnon group. I understand all too well how isolating it can be to have an addicted partner. But in those groups, people "get it". They've been in your shoes, and they will have experience, strength, and hope to share with you. You will find you are NOT alone.

Tleac

Thank you all so much! Sorry, I didn't realize I was posting in the alcoholics section. I will also post in the drug addiction forum.

It really helps to hear these things from others. My husband and his family make me feel like I should hold myself partly responsible for our problems and they say "you both have your problems you need to work on and pray about." When in reality my only problem is that I have a husband who is a drug addict. I live a very "normal" life. Just trying to support my girls, work, and maintain my relationships with friends and family. Nothing crazy over here. I feel like his family lies to cover up anything he does wrong and they are constantly putting him on a pedestal. They have been his biggest enablers. Why won't they do something about his addiction rather than ignoring it?
If I take court action to get sole custody of our baby I know they will disown me and not help me out in any way ever again. It kind of seems better just living in limbo with it all because he only sees her under supervision right now (either with me or his mom) so if I try to legally do it I might not get granted what I feel is best. He swears he would never fail a drug test when it comes to his daughter. I don't know if that means he will cheat or just get clean momentarily for his visitations but either way, I'm really scared to risk it.

LexieCat

His family couldn't do anything about his addiction, any more than you can. He's the only one who can do something about it.

Honeybean

Welcome Tleac! Addiction is addiction no matter what form it takes. You have been through a lot but you have come to the right place. We are all here to support you as best we can. Study and learn then take them and make the best practices to get you through this. The 3 C's are so important and should be your mantra from this day forward. It is what has brought us here to begin with. The sheer exhaustion and just being able to express what we are going through with others that understand helps so much. You need to put yourself and your kids first. It really is the only way. Keep coming back and try to find a program in your area where you can get to a meeting for substance abusers F & F. Lots of prayers and hugs to you...