allyn

im going to try to make it short and to the point. but please bear with me, as i am currently in the midst of a pretty nasty relapse.

im a 26 year old old female, been a binge drinker since i was 13. so my years of excessive drinking are taking a toll on my health. on a "good" day, i will only consume a pint of vodka. it is spread out throughout the day, and the other people i live with have absolutely no idea. my tolerance is pretty remarkable, especially weighing only 125 pounds. however, i go through episodes where i will consume a liter in under 24 hours, and still function fairly normally. at least normal enough that no one questions me. i do tend to keep to myself though, and am always aware of when my motor functions are not normal enough to interact with anyone without them knowing. lately, though, ive been waking up with numb limbs and severe pelvic pain. i know continuing this behavior is going to kill me. i often get panic attacks about just not waking up some day. but unlike a lot of alcoholics stories i hear about at AA meetings, doing crazy things and acting like lunatics, mine is quite the opposite. i drink alone, im quiet and in control phsycially for the most part. dont get me wrong, in my teen years the craziness and unruly behavior was absolutely the case for me. ive broken my nose three times while wasted, but now i feel ive become so good at hiding it that some day someone is just going to find me dead and be shocked that they didnt know. its a horrible existance

MythOfSisyphus

Welcome, allyn! Everyone here has been basically where you are now. If you're sick of the ride, it's time to get off. Coming to SR was a good move, and very smart! The folks here have really helped me a lot.

1stthingsfirst

Hi Allyn,

I know this will be a popular question for you... have you seen a doctor, yet? I think you will need medical help to detox.

I was a secret drinker too, I wondered how bad my addiction would get before I stopped. I became more and more isolated as I kept my drinking life private. I blacked out several times over the last year. I am just so tired of living with addiction and drinking - onwards and upwards!

allyn

im in tears right now because i dont believe i can stop. but i dont want to die, either. and i mix it with methadone and xanax which i just know is a death sentence. its an anxiety disorder left untreated that has gotten me to this point. alcohol is the quickest relief

1stthingsfirst

Oh no allyn! Please know that you are not alone!

I also stopped because I did not want to die, my addiction was robbing me of my life. I know how hard it is. I have had an especially tough day and we all hear you about the untreated anxiety. Many of us understand where you are coming from in terms of self-medicating anxiety. Hang in there! There are many ups and downs but it does get better.

TNGal

I drank for anxiety reasons, too, and am newly sober (less than two weeks). However, I have found that my panic attacks have actually decreased since I quit. Perhaps you will have the same experience.

Lorax1981

We are all rootin for you. Please make an appointment with your doctor and tell them what you told us. You can work on cutting out one thing at a time and give sober life a chance. I sobered up and went to my doctor and talked about all kinds of worries I had and it felt so good to be totally honest with him.
-Ted

allyn

i have a dr appointment tomorrow. i had some blood work done recently since i had an abnormal amount of white blood cells show up in a previous blood test. my dr doesnt know about my current substance abuse though. its in my file from the past, but according to me ive been sober for 8 months. ha. anyways..itll be interesting what the results are

1newcreation

Glad to have you @ SR
I was a quite drunk too but even tho my alc tolerance was higher just a yr ago than its been b4, I think you have me beat. But seriously, your physical health sounds to be in danger? Have you spoken w/ a counselor or someone @ you're church? All the stories you hear @ AA mtgs are simply people sharing their experience, strength & hope not bragging about their drinking days. AA gets a lot of bad rap(don't know why) but it saved my life!

allyn

i

SereneEdition

Welcome Allyn -

I sense your will to heal and thrive that comes across in your posts.
You will overcome this. A smart first step is to contact your doctor, as others have mentioned. They train for many years to become experts in saving lives.

You can do this!

(edit - glad your visiting your doctor!)

least

It was hard for me to quit drinking, the hardest thing I've ever done. But with the help of my counselor and this site I've stayed sober over three years now. And I used to think I was hopeless... but I wasn't and neither are you! You can do this.

GracieLou

Me too. I drank alone, well except in my younger days, I was quiet and felt in control. We are not all crazy lunatics..lol

I would say my alcoholic journey is quite boring compared to some but I am still an alcoholic.

I would suggest you be honest with your doctor. If you don't want to go into the whole sorted tale then at least be honest that you are drinking again. Any medications they may give you may react with alcohol and they really need to know this.

hypochondriac

Welcome to SR Allyn

I can relate to how you are feeling a lot Allyn. Drinking was my dirty secret too and although I had a few crazy incidents when I was younger I was a quiet drunk the rest of the time, and speaking to people after I got sober, no one seemed to notice. Do not let that fool you though. Sometimes I think that this way round it can make you go nuts thinking about it because maybe it was all in your head. That's what I felt anyway and it was exasperated by comparing my experience with other people's. Things people say like 'It isn't how much you drink it's what happens to you when you do' I took to justify my drinking because when I drank I functioned fine thank you very much and never caused a nuisance. I fear that you may be in that stage though, commonly known as the bit just before the sh;t hits the fan. Again, I'm doing that comparing thing which I just advised against but my late 20's were when the anxiety and the health problems really kicked in. I wonder too if your anxiety is booze related. If you have been binge drinking since 13 it could well be. I had massive anxiety problems while drinking (or rather when I stopped ie, between drinks) and after a year sober I can detect this underlying anxiety which is just laughable to what I suffered through before. I now have the opportunity to address that in a way which would have been impossible while I was drinking. Good luck with the docs. Glad you're here x

allyn

thank you for all the support. it is much appreciated. i am going to attempt to get this monster under control. because of the quantity of vodka i am consuming on a daily basis, would tapering be a safer way to go about this? i cannot enter a detox center or even outpatient, as i have responsibilities and i would prefer to get a hold of this without anyone knowing. cold turkey seems like a better solution because i wont be teasing myself with the poison. however, i am aware of the withdrawals being dangerous. i have gone cold turkey before with minimal issues, but again the amount i am drinking daily is a lot more..

tootsl1

Allen, welcome. I too was a secret drinker, I hated losing control out and about, though I still would drink to excess.
In agreement with others I suggest the doctor as your first step. There are ways to help you taper the alcohol safely. Also ask about therapy to help you deal with the issues that led to drinking. Be kind to yourself, you have a hard road, but there will be plenty of support here. X

hamptons

Allyn - the only reason I have quit is because I was deathly ill... really ill... I have had cancer and heart problems before but I felt worse from the build up of my drinking... The only people I was honest with EVER were my doctors and thanks to a very tough and persistent gastro specialist I have stopped

BUT GIVEN your other substance abuse as WELL you must be honest with the doctor PLAESE

hypochondriac

You don't have to go into rehab to detox Allyn, there will be options presented to you and one of them may be a medical detox at home or a plan to taper safely. And from my experience with outpatient care, if you are not ordered to go by the probation service then you can do as little or as much as you'd like and it doesn't have to interfere with your life. My advice would be to get this sorted before properly and with supervision while you still have choices x

anewpage

Oh Allyn.. I feel you completely. Vodka is my beast too. I drink a great amount every day. I have not yet been able to conquer it but I am seeing a doctor tomorrow so we'll see what happens then. Good luck with your journey of sobriet. I'm still trying to find mine. x

allyn

well, i chickened out with telling the doctor the truth. i didnt mention it at all. however, i did get my bloodwork results back and i have antinuclear antibodies in my blood. the paper work itself from the lab said that pattern is most likely seen in patients with lupus, but my doctor said that was not at all the case and there are many otherwise healthy people with the same results. so i wont worry until further testing is done. i did have a urine test done also and it showed a hig level of protein, which upon research, can be caused by kidney damage. huh, who woulda thought vodka could damage the kidneys? hah. anyways, she is sending me to a urologist for further investigation. i suspect ill have to be honest sooner or later