Newbie: Taking its toll
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Perth western australia
Posts: 6
Newbie: Taking its toll
I am a mother of 5 and partner for 5 years now to someone who was supposed to be a recovering/recovered addict to oxycodine among other things,
I do not do drugs, in my younger days i tried marijuana stopped when i fell pregnant with my first child and have not touched anything like that since not even alcohol till now
I am utterly and completely against needles to the point i skipped most of my blood tests during pregnancy cause i cant stand needles but i now drink and by drink i mean daily - sometimes for the pain sometimes to forget and sometimes just to sleep i hate my drinking habit its turned me into a very nasty spiteful person even i can see it i'd like to blame him for my drinking but that would mean he had the right to blame me for his addiction .... ) - so how the hell did i end up with an addict??
I find myself giving up hope right now.
I am sick of the merry go round life
From the beggining everything was a lie - he told me he was off it - he told me he did it once because we argued ( which gets me cause we didnt argue till he came home and had already done it usually when i found out 3 days later ) - then he told me he wants off this drug and cries about it. and a week later the cycle starts again.
Its so dejavu these days its almost amusing to listen to - i dont know what hurts more finding a lie out or knowing he is looking me in the face and pleading with me to believe him like he has so many time before and knowing its a lie?
when we got together he had lost everything in his life his mother gave up on him but took him back when we got together and swore she would disown him if she found out he was back on it ( i didnt understand even 3 years into this how a mother could turn her back on her child like that so easily? ) He didn’t have a job and was done for stealing as a servant ( stealing from his employer) at his last job we live in a gossipy little town where everyone knows everything and noone would employ him because of his past, he didn’t have a license, he didn’t have a car, he didn't even have his own bank account? he was using a friends account to recieve payments from centrelink
Honestly i didnt want to let this man into my life? he is the son of my best friend at the time i'd known him since he was 15ish (10yrs i am 3 years older than him) i heard the tales of what he got up to in his early 20's i knew who he was so why did i do it?? i still ask myself that...... the deal when we decided to make this a relationship was he gave it all up.... how could i have been so stupid to believe the i will give it up for you story i will change for you story.... guess i thought back then i was special.... the days of feeling like that are long gone.
So the first year was good like many new relationships i thought he was clean i was gullible to his lies i presumed when he was sick it was a detox thing? when he went awol for a few hours he was beering it with mates i think i recall a few times he was job interviewing? LOL - i had been a single independant mother for a while so bills rent etc all were paid directly from my pays those bills never seemed to matter i had to pay those and food prior to him arriving so i didnt really take much notice to his not contributing any regular amount - like i said before we live in a little town so people gossip here and storys were starting to go around and i just put it down to nasty gossip from our new relationship ( he left his partner to be together ) - WOW i knew nothing about what i had just gotten myself into.......
In a way i hope i was of some use in this relationship? He told me i was the best thing in his life that he loves me etc that he couldn't be this person without us.. i pushed him to repay his fines and made sure i drove him around so he couldn't get into trouble for his licence i stuck my foot in with all my friends and or their husbands and fathers for a worker and in the end it paid off right? he was eligible for his license and he got it, he got a job he was a normal partner.. we started accumulating assets motorbikes new car etc he was climbing that life tree again back to being an accepted member of the community? we went out as a family took holidays to other states and amusement parks like a real family.
SO WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED??
>> skip to the last 2 years or so..
As time went on i had mixed emotions about his using, i dont really remember anymore when i actually realized he had started again / got back into it enough to notice i still cant even tell you if he was ever truely off it? probably about the time he sold MY motorbike and spent it all on pills or when the chainsaw, welder and other tools went missing? when he just stopped going to work cause he couldn't be bothered? maybe when i realized he was always broke but never paid anything?
So i'd get pissed that he is doing it - we would argue - i'd throw him out - he would take what he could sell - have a good time - come down at a mates for 3 days then come back to me - the way he cried and the words he used the excuses he made and the apologies and promises? they got me everytime - i'd take him back - what can i say - I love him to death.
Recently its like our whole family is crashing around my feet the things that he has put us through the lies he's told, the promises he made that will never come true he has pushed me past my breaking point and I feel now i am being forced to decide if I should give up or continue to be here for him. I dont want to break up with him i love him but its hard when your head questions why you still there when honestly you cant answer with even one thing. its hard when you sit here questioning what you did wrong and dont have the answer In my heart i still do hold on to the hope that we can beat this and that we can live happily ever after but in my head its never going to happen..
I do not do drugs, in my younger days i tried marijuana stopped when i fell pregnant with my first child and have not touched anything like that since not even alcohol till now
I am utterly and completely against needles to the point i skipped most of my blood tests during pregnancy cause i cant stand needles but i now drink and by drink i mean daily - sometimes for the pain sometimes to forget and sometimes just to sleep i hate my drinking habit its turned me into a very nasty spiteful person even i can see it i'd like to blame him for my drinking but that would mean he had the right to blame me for his addiction .... ) - so how the hell did i end up with an addict??I find myself giving up hope right now.
I am sick of the merry go round life
From the beggining everything was a lie - he told me he was off it - he told me he did it once because we argued ( which gets me cause we didnt argue till he came home and had already done it usually when i found out 3 days later ) - then he told me he wants off this drug and cries about it. and a week later the cycle starts again.
Its so dejavu these days its almost amusing to listen to - i dont know what hurts more finding a lie out or knowing he is looking me in the face and pleading with me to believe him like he has so many time before and knowing its a lie?
when we got together he had lost everything in his life his mother gave up on him but took him back when we got together and swore she would disown him if she found out he was back on it ( i didnt understand even 3 years into this how a mother could turn her back on her child like that so easily? ) He didn’t have a job and was done for stealing as a servant ( stealing from his employer) at his last job we live in a gossipy little town where everyone knows everything and noone would employ him because of his past, he didn’t have a license, he didn’t have a car, he didn't even have his own bank account? he was using a friends account to recieve payments from centrelink
Honestly i didnt want to let this man into my life? he is the son of my best friend at the time i'd known him since he was 15ish (10yrs i am 3 years older than him) i heard the tales of what he got up to in his early 20's i knew who he was so why did i do it?? i still ask myself that...... the deal when we decided to make this a relationship was he gave it all up.... how could i have been so stupid to believe the i will give it up for you story i will change for you story.... guess i thought back then i was special.... the days of feeling like that are long gone.
So the first year was good like many new relationships i thought he was clean i was gullible to his lies i presumed when he was sick it was a detox thing? when he went awol for a few hours he was beering it with mates i think i recall a few times he was job interviewing? LOL - i had been a single independant mother for a while so bills rent etc all were paid directly from my pays those bills never seemed to matter i had to pay those and food prior to him arriving so i didnt really take much notice to his not contributing any regular amount - like i said before we live in a little town so people gossip here and storys were starting to go around and i just put it down to nasty gossip from our new relationship ( he left his partner to be together ) - WOW i knew nothing about what i had just gotten myself into.......
In a way i hope i was of some use in this relationship? He told me i was the best thing in his life that he loves me etc that he couldn't be this person without us.. i pushed him to repay his fines and made sure i drove him around so he couldn't get into trouble for his licence i stuck my foot in with all my friends and or their husbands and fathers for a worker and in the end it paid off right? he was eligible for his license and he got it, he got a job he was a normal partner.. we started accumulating assets motorbikes new car etc he was climbing that life tree again back to being an accepted member of the community? we went out as a family took holidays to other states and amusement parks like a real family.
SO WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED??
>> skip to the last 2 years or so..
As time went on i had mixed emotions about his using, i dont really remember anymore when i actually realized he had started again / got back into it enough to notice i still cant even tell you if he was ever truely off it? probably about the time he sold MY motorbike and spent it all on pills or when the chainsaw, welder and other tools went missing? when he just stopped going to work cause he couldn't be bothered? maybe when i realized he was always broke but never paid anything?
So i'd get pissed that he is doing it - we would argue - i'd throw him out - he would take what he could sell - have a good time - come down at a mates for 3 days then come back to me - the way he cried and the words he used the excuses he made and the apologies and promises? they got me everytime - i'd take him back - what can i say - I love him to death.
Recently its like our whole family is crashing around my feet the things that he has put us through the lies he's told, the promises he made that will never come true he has pushed me past my breaking point and I feel now i am being forced to decide if I should give up or continue to be here for him. I dont want to break up with him i love him but its hard when your head questions why you still there when honestly you cant answer with even one thing. its hard when you sit here questioning what you did wrong and dont have the answer In my heart i still do hold on to the hope that we can beat this and that we can live happily ever after but in my head its never going to happen..
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Colorado
Posts: 577
Hi platinum rose. I'm sorry for everything that's brought you here. Stick around...read the stickies at the top of the page. I'm sorry I can't weigh in on partner woes...My son is the reason I'm here. There is a lot of good support here...I'm sure you'll see many similarities in the posts of others. Have you attended any meetings? When I was at my absolute wits end they saved me. Sending strength your way. Hang in there.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
if I can offer any advice it is to focus on your intro: I am a Mother of 5. you can learn everything there is to KNOW about what your partner's problem is....but you have kids who need at least one sober, sane guardian! do whatever it takes to make sure THEY are safe, secure. make them your priority and the rest will become obvious.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Perth western australia
Posts: 6
cheers guys 
Feeling a little brighter today
anvil - i understand what you are saying in your advice
its the reason i am here and anywhere else i can be today
Theres a lot of behind the lines story that didnt go into my note
My children think the world of this man they are sometimes the reason i take him back they still TRUST him? They find him SAFE?
I dont allow my children to get into the middle of arguments and please let it be known i know full well that children "know" when somethings wrong and the ins and outs of domestic abuse affects on children & the eventually they will get involved stuff we have been there but thankfully not with this man ( i find myself wanting to say yet? )
Liz - I have attended doctors and counsellors phoned drugarm and lots of hotlines but no no meetings unfortunately we live in a small rural town where the oxy problem ( its easier to get on the street than it is to see a doctor for a cold ) is overwhelming and the help is lacking? a program here alone has a 2 yr waiting list and even then there is only one doc here that can put you on that list and he has to deem you "bad" enough to be on it lets just say that a self confessed once a fortnight addict is not " bad" enough and when the partner tries to tell the doctor its more than that she gets made to sit out in the waiting room with a im sorry this is between me & him not me you and him lecture???? WTF! - (Please note this was back when he relapsed this is not how he admits his problem when he admits it now)
Feeling a little brighter today
anvil - i understand what you are saying in your advice
its the reason i am here and anywhere else i can be today Theres a lot of behind the lines story that didnt go into my note
My children think the world of this man they are sometimes the reason i take him back they still TRUST him? They find him SAFE?
I dont allow my children to get into the middle of arguments and please let it be known i know full well that children "know" when somethings wrong and the ins and outs of domestic abuse affects on children & the eventually they will get involved stuff we have been there but thankfully not with this man ( i find myself wanting to say yet? )
Liz - I have attended doctors and counsellors phoned drugarm and lots of hotlines but no no meetings unfortunately we live in a small rural town where the oxy problem ( its easier to get on the street than it is to see a doctor for a cold ) is overwhelming and the help is lacking? a program here alone has a 2 yr waiting list and even then there is only one doc here that can put you on that list and he has to deem you "bad" enough to be on it lets just say that a self confessed once a fortnight addict is not " bad" enough and when the partner tries to tell the doctor its more than that she gets made to sit out in the waiting room with a im sorry this is between me & him not me you and him lecture???? WTF! - (Please note this was back when he relapsed this is not how he admits his problem when he admits it now)
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
they are sometimes the reason i take him back they still TRUST him? They find him SAFE?
those are not decisions for children to make. left alone children will stick beans up their nose, run in traffic and drink antifreeze cuz it's sweet and tastes like juice.
YOU determine what is SAFE for them....YOU determine who is TRUST worthy. be there for your kids....let the other adult deal with his own stuff. happily ever after is at the end of fairy tales....that we read to our children. real life happens in the NOW. right now.
those are not decisions for children to make. left alone children will stick beans up their nose, run in traffic and drink antifreeze cuz it's sweet and tastes like juice.
YOU determine what is SAFE for them....YOU determine who is TRUST worthy. be there for your kids....let the other adult deal with his own stuff. happily ever after is at the end of fairy tales....that we read to our children. real life happens in the NOW. right now.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Perth western australia
Posts: 6
deciding factor then if you wish? i didn't mean it in a sense that they made the decision the whole decision and nothing but the decision - and to add to your run down on children they are also instinctive little creatures
I have had my 8 year old daughter put her faith in the palm of this mans hands and he did they right thing by her - he nurtured her, healed her and held her hand when times got tough for her ( we both did - together - those are the times & emotions and actions that keep me/us here.... the goodness that IS there somewhere? ) the problem with it is when times got to tough for him he relapsed
I have had my 8 year old daughter put her faith in the palm of this mans hands and he did they right thing by her - he nurtured her, healed her and held her hand when times got tough for her ( we both did - together - those are the times & emotions and actions that keep me/us here.... the goodness that IS there somewhere? ) the problem with it is when times got to tough for him he relapsed
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
right...and when things got tough......he....did what? used, bailed, abandoned the premises. there is nothing more painful as a child than having loving adult interaction, and then having it yanked away.
he has stole things from you and sold them for drugs. instead of investing IN the household, he ROBBED from it. he came to this situation with no job, no car, no license and a heap of debt.
you said you love him to death. are you willing to go that far....for him?
he has stole things from you and sold them for drugs. instead of investing IN the household, he ROBBED from it. he came to this situation with no job, no car, no license and a heap of debt.
you said you love him to death. are you willing to go that far....for him?
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Join Date: May 2013
Location: California
Posts: 44
I love my husband to death...and yes I would go that far for him. But I'll tell you right now if I could do it all over again, I would have disappeared out of his life the moment I found out he was an addict. I didn't really know what addiction was. I didn't realize it was so deep and that the addict could affect everyone around them in such a negative way. I didn't know I would end up where I am now...desperate to be happy.. alone... worried... scared... lost. Now I have made vows before God, and I also have a 7 month old. I have to give it every last ounce of effort I have left to make this work, or I will always wonder if I could have done more. Granted, I'm not the addict so there is really not much I can do, not for him anyway.
As hard and awful as it may sound my own opinion would be to get out of this asap. I don't wish this on anyone. Don't wait until this has gone on 5 more years and you're deeper into it.
I'm so sorry you are going through this..I can say I know EXACTLY what you're going through. Oxy is a tough drug to get away from. He is going to need serious help to escape that devil.
As hard and awful as it may sound my own opinion would be to get out of this asap. I don't wish this on anyone. Don't wait until this has gone on 5 more years and you're deeper into it.
I'm so sorry you are going through this..I can say I know EXACTLY what you're going through. Oxy is a tough drug to get away from. He is going to need serious help to escape that devil.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Perth western australia
Posts: 6
Tleac
omg i think a tear sprang to my eye reading that it was so close to home and i thort right now i was quite void of many emotions - i agree had i known the day i met him i would have turned and ran the other way but im here now i too feel i have to make this work that i have to help him or i will forever wonder and god forbid always blame me leaving for something happening to him
omg i think a tear sprang to my eye reading that it was so close to home and i thort right now i was quite void of many emotions - i agree had i known the day i met him i would have turned and ran the other way
but im here now i too feel i have to make this work that i have to help him or i will forever wonder and god forbid always blame me leaving for something happening to him
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
but you have FIVE children who need you more. he came into your life a drug addict, he is STILL an addict...his addiction has careened thru and upended your life. he brought these tribulations WITH him....you are NOT responsible to try and fix or heal him. if you were the healing balm he needed, he'd be clean and sober today...being a good citizen, paying his debts, faithfully attending to his obligations.
you do NOT have to make this WORK. the focus of your concern isn't INTERESTED in being a man solid enough to provide for SIX other people!!!
he's a hurricane, an erupting volcano....and you need to take appropriate measures to protect yourself from impending disaster.
you do NOT have to make this WORK. the focus of your concern isn't INTERESTED in being a man solid enough to provide for SIX other people!!!
he's a hurricane, an erupting volcano....and you need to take appropriate measures to protect yourself from impending disaster.
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