Wishful133

I have just realized, between my 14 year old, my ten month old and a (newly R) AH, I've lost myself. I've become so codependent that I don't know who I am anymore.

(R) AH is away for work. I spent most of the night worried he would relapse as business trips were heavy drinking times, and heartbroken this morning when he didn't text me as he usually does when away to see how my and the kids night was.

I don't know who I am without defining myself as "so-and-so's wife" or "so-and-so's mom"
One AlAnon person told me to practice self care but I'm not even sure what that is. I'm so busy taking care of everyone else I don't know how to take care of myself.

I need to figure out how to be me. But I don't know how. I just know I hate what I've become.

Tuffgirl

This is a great place to begin finding yourself again. Starting from a point of "I really don't like who I am right now" is probably most ideal, because it means only upward mobility, right?

So start small. Today - what is one thing you can do for yourself and your well being? Yesterday, I rode my bike for 12 miles. And I took my time (especially on the hills, wow!) just puttering around in the sunshine. I left my phone at home, too. One glorious hour of uninterrupted time.

dandylion

Wishfil133, have you ever considered getting a therapist. That might be the best gift for yourself, right now. (just for YOU--not for him--not for the marriage--for YOU).

You must be feeling very lonely right now...?

in empathy,
dandylion

Newlook3

I too have been feeling exactly the same. Recently split from my bf of 13 years I realise that I have spent so long keeping him and my daughter happy that I don't even know what makes me happy. I have no interests or hobbies, never have done really, and realise that I am infact an extremely boring person. I have been referred for counselling though and I hope if I can improve my confidence I may feel better about myself and can start making some changes.

ValidUsername

You know what? The world can take a break around you for a day. You sound like a person who has got to this point as a result of a lot of hard work and dedication to whats important to you. Have you had a look for any clubs/groups/activities you can take up? There is literally millions of hobbies waiting for you to discover them. Maybe even things you could do with the family

honeypig

I find myself feeling as if I have lost myself to some extent also, and what seems to be giving me a little help in this area so far has been to take on some volunteer duties (nothing too heavy) and looking into some other social activities, hoping to gradually make contacts and find things that make me go "yeah, this is GOOD!"

Specifically:
Doing a little volunteer work for a basset hound rescue (updating calendar on website, doing phone interviews and vet checks for prospective adopters).

Working 4 hours a week at a CSA (community-supported agriculture) farm in return for a free vegetable subscription thru the growing season.

Meet-ups groups online: Joined a hiking group and had a very nice time. Looking into other activities.

No clue what might work for other folks, but there are book clubs, monthly "slow food" dinners at various people's homes, groups that meditate or drum, groups that meet and walk, then go for coffee--I guess depending on where you live, who knows what you may find.

I'm approaching this in the spirit of "bring the body and the mind will follow" to see what turns out to be a good fit. Maybe just finding one little activity to do for YOU that doesn't feel too much like another obligation would be a start?

CentralOhioDad

I know exactly how you feel, so thank you for posting this. There is always so much "stuff" to do for: work, home, son, etc., that I don't have an 'me' time.. Uuuuugghhhh

C-OH Dad

DreamsofSerenity

Whenever I feel like I am totally drowning in doing stuff for other people I go get a pedicure or a foot massage. It feels so hedonistic, and isn't something I do very often, but it makes me feel like I am spoiling myself which is needed every now and then. And it only takes an hour!!