gwenny

Ugh. I white-knuckled it through the weekend and successfully surfed the oceans of free-flowing booze running through our house, and then last night our guests came home from an evening out with plastic cups of beer from the bar. (I am not clear why they thought it was cool to drive with open containers, but that's a different story.) They offered me the beer, which I accepted with the brilliant idea that I would pour it down the sink as soon as they turned around, but I drank it instead. And then snuck into the fridge later and had four more and eventually passed out.

Uggh. I feel extra crappy today, after more than a week sober. Not going to dwell and beat myself up, getting right back up. Not only does "just one" always lead to "all of them," but it's also just not fun anymore. At all. There is not an ounce of fun in it anymore. The notion that it is going to be fun is purely a neurological glitch in my dopamine pathways, because it's actually miserable. As soon as I have that first one, I get so singularly obsessed with drinking as much as possible, as quickly as possible, without appearing too drunk or raising any eyebrows around me. Which is why I always wind up alone in my room, passed out and surrounded by bottles that I snuck out of the fridge in the middle of the night.

I'm sure it's also no coincidence that this happened last night, since I have another meeting with my editor tomorrow and am once again totally unprepared for it. This pattern is so predictable and so utterly unrewarding. I need to figure out a better and less fearful way to live.

The closest meeting tonight is about 80 miles away. I'm thinking of going anyway.

bryangt

Go & share and then get back on track. You will hear time & time again, it's that first drink that leads us back down that awful path....don't take that first drink and watch people, places and things that endanger you especially early in recovery.

Mizzuno

I would go to that meeting. You may be able to spend the day preparing for your editor tomorrow? Give it all that you have. This can be a lesson learned.

gwenny

Caved again last night. Apparently it's not a good idea to sleep one room away from a fridge packed to the gills with my favorite beer. The secrecy and anonymity of it are a killer for me, I can be good sober girl all day long and then after everyone goes to bed get completely wasted in my bedroom all by myself, and no one has any idea. I think there's something in the adrenaline of sneaking those beers that has almost as strong a hold over me as the drug itself. It is so, so hard to wrench yourself out of a bender once it gets rolling, my god. It's like somebody really just cut all the brake lines.

The beer-swilling houseguests leave tomorrow, and my parents have agreed not to keep any booze in the house for a while. They're both big drinkers but they know I'm hitting it hard and that I'm not happy about it. It's written all over my face at this point anyway, I'm having a very red-faced, puffy morning. Nothing to do but get back up, be enormously grateful I'm still alive and able, and make today the day--again. I can't get to a meeting until tomorrow night, but I am going to go to a yoga class today and get some writing done.

Living

It's called denial - I did it for years. Hid the wine bottles and drank when no one was around or they were asleep. Don't beat yourself up, just become more aware.

You can do this with your determination/willpower. If you couldn't, you would not be posting here. Stay strong.

ScottFromWI

It's generally much easier to justify drinking to yourself than it is to not drink. While the fridge full of beer and the house guests are certainly a trigger, you can always find a trigger or a reason to talk yourself into drinking regardless of your situation.

At some point you need to finally make the decision to REALLY quit. And have a plan in place ( AA, SR, AVRT, local counseling, whatever you think will work ) to follow. If you don't have a plan, the cycle will continue indefinitely.