foodie1

Hi all, I'm a recovering alcoholic coming up on 2 years sober and my husband is an active alcoholic. Yesterday I talked with him and told him I didn't want to be around him when he's drinking. If he wanted to drink, that was totally fine with me, but he'd need to go out, over to a friend's or tell me ahead of time so I could sequester myself upstairs.

He did not take this well! How's he supposed to relax in his own home? What's he supposed to drink when we go out to dinner? How's he supposed to watch football?

Did I go too far? I'm so new to all of this! I can't tell a boundary from a hole in the ground!

I should also say, he's a very nice person, even when drinking. He's not at all abusive. But that doesn't make me hate the drinking any less! I felt SO good when I told him this, but now he's moping and cold to me, and I'm beginning to doubt myself...

LexieCat

I'm a recovered alcoholic, too, and I can only imagine how hard it would be to live with an active alcoholic under those circumstances. It adds a whole dimension when your own sobriety is at issue, too.

Here's the deal. It's his house, too. While it would be considerate for him to go along with your wishes, if he refuses or is so miserable that you can't stand to be around him either way, you will have to remove yourself from the drinking if it disturbs you.

Bottom line: you can't control what he does so far as his drinking goes--just your own response to it.

Have you tried any Al-Anon meetings? There are a lot of "double winners" (AA and Al-Anon) around here and in the rooms. Try it, you will find it adds a whole new dimension to your recovery.

Recovering2

He's actively drinking, he's going to protect his addiction. You setting limits puts you in the way of what he wants. So he's going to try and make you feel guilty about it. Don't listen to his ranting.

Having said that, you can't control his drinking. You can't control where he drinks, what he drinks, etc. You can set boundaries for YOU. When he drinks in the house, what are you going to do? If he drinks when out to dinner with you, what are you going to do? Set boundaries, and keep them. He won't like it at first. But just like he has the right to drink where he wants, you have the right to not be around it.

HUGE congrats on 2 years!!!! You have my respect for that, especially when dealing with an active A in the house. I agree with Lexie, I think AlAnon would help you see this side of things with a little more clarity. There are several people in my group that are AA/AlAnon.

Programmatic

When people pleasers stop pleasing people, people are not pleased.

As for distinguishing boundaries from holes in the ground or maybe even control mechanisms; a boundary exists solely to control my behavior and thus to protect me. I have lived with an active alcoholic spouse in my home. Nothing about active alcoholism is healthy for me. If it were strictly my abode I would have no issues stating that drinking is not allowed in my house. However, it is the spouse's house as well.

The alcoholic doesn't need to do anything for me to be okay. That stuff is my responsibility. I have no right to tell a grown person who shares the mortgage what they can and cannot drink within their own home. However, I can decide what I will do and where I may go. The conditions and extremity of that criteria are directly proportional to how affected I am by that person's drinking which is closely related to how much access to my own spiritual self I have granted them (with spouse ranking at the top of the list).

Based on my own experiences in this regard I'd say your boundaries closely match my own and that they were effective in protecting me from the obsession that develops when I am situated in close proximity to active alcoholic consumption.

I did communicate my desire to not have drinking in the house and that desire was unilaterally ignored but after some period of time (during which I threw myself upon a cross) I began to appreciate that at least I knew where my wife was at night and that she was relatively safe considering her condition. PS. I got off the cross when I came into full awareness and acceptance of the fact that I made a moment by moment decision to remain married to my wife regardless of her disease.

foodie1

Thank you! You guys are right, we share this space and I still need to learn how to go about removing myself from the situation. It's been a little tricky wording all of this to him as he doesn't think he has a problem with drinking. I've tip-toed around it because he's so incredibly stubborn I didn't want to shut off the lines of communication right out of the gate. But seriously, would a non-alcoholic wonder whether to spend the night with his wife or with a bottle of wine?

Thanks again, I'm reading some Al-Anon (awesome stuff!) and will work on only changing/removing/controlling myself.