SadieJack

Just a quick review - my brother wanted to move in with me in March because he ran out of money. He had many many other options that seemed more logical and I said no. He had a hissy-fit, called me every name under the sun and cut communications with me.... until Thursday last week.

He emails me with the subject line "so where are we?"

I was loathe to open this email, fearing the worst. He just asked 2 things: Did the tornado hit Dallas near me and how are my cats.

HUH???

So I figure this is a lame overture at some communication. So I responded by answering the 2 questions as succinctly as possible. Then I added, "how are you and your kids"?

So I get a generic so and so is doing whatever.

I have been wanting to tell my brother since mid April about our sister-in-law who has stage 3 multiple myeloma. This brother actually introduced my other brother to this woman and they have been married 40 years.

So I told him and his response was "I don't care what happens to her".

WTF? I am pissed all over again.

nothopeful1

I am so sorry. You were right though. He's just trying to suck you back in. Stay away from insanity. You won't get a different outcome until he's been in recovery at least a year. Hugs to you and I'm sorry he hurt you again.

dandylion

Dear SadieJack, MY first thought is that he is angry that you didn't bite, hook and linker, for his manipulation---and then, you had the very NERVE to mention your concern for someone else other than him!!

If you want to see the true colors of an alcoholic- or - find out if they are manipulating or not---simply tell the "no" about something.

Stay detached, my dear.

dandylion

SadieJack

Thank you! I am conflicted here.... I want to have a modicum of communication with him, but then I fear the crazy making stuff. Probably best to cut the ties completely until he is OK. But I will never know if and when he is OK since I am not in communication. My mother used to be the one who knew what was going on with everyone. She died last year and we 3 siblings might as well live on different planets.

SadieJack

Thanks dandylion... when you say I didn't fall for his manipulation, are you referring to not letting him move in with me?? Or...the recent emails??

dandylion

Dear Sadie, I have the same situation with my A's right now (relatives, also). If they call and they are sober, I am willing to talk (I love them dearly). There are a million things to talk about. But, if they are trying to get me to enable; are rude; or seem buzzed in any way; or do any quacking---I say "O.K., I have to go now"---"We can talk another time".
Period. The end. They have "caught on" and have stopped testing me on this.

I know you love your brother. I believe that you can find a way to keep communication open, yet keep your boundrys. Family is important and relationships with siblings are precious---if it can be managed. I have a feeling that, down deep, he cares about you. He is just behaving like an alcoholic, right now. After a time in AA, he might be very different toward you.

Wishing you the very best with your brother,
dandylion

ValidUsername

SadieJack,

This will be very hard as there are many emotions and family members involved. I'm guessing for your brother, he has prioritized his affairs with a place to live at number one, so he can possibly focus on number two which sounds like alcohol. If you give in and offer to talk a bit about happy stuff (how are the kids, how cute are your cats etc) He might feel like hes making progress toward his goal of being able to drink and worry less. Don't be aggressive or passive, this is definitely an assertive situation. It sounds like you do care about him or you may have cut him out of your life before this. Maybe keep it short, say something along the lines of I do care but I do not wish for your lifestyle to affect mine/kids/other friends family. Maybe email him some cheaper places to stay? Thats about all I can think of to offer at this point.

dandylion

Sadie, I meant when he tried to get you to enable him by moving in March. I suspect his e-mail was part concern about your and the cat's welfare--with a manipulation attached to it. I am supposing--I have dealt with this kind of thing for so long.......
dandylion