ArtofSunrise

I tried to leave him, and feel horrible. I was nice to him, and told him I loved him, and a part of me still does love him...but I've been so hurt by his opiate addiction/s and his abuse of booze/weed/etc~ and I used with him but not like he did. I would have a little bit now and then, while he'd be spending my money to go get more high a lot of the time. But before then he was prince charming...but he always wants to know what I'm doing, where I'm going, etc. Possessive/controlling I think?? Then he would verbally and emotionally abuse me when he was high, then when he wasn't we'd argue and he'd still barate me. Yet he says he loves me, and that I don't care about him because I want to leave... I do care, I just don't want to stop him from his problems I think..or risk dealing with a future relapse...

He would have insane rage fits. I was afraid he'd hurt me or his mom. Then just last night I surprisingly tried to leave him and he tried to commit suicide. I feel so terrible... I don't want him to die... he said he didn't realize his addiction was that bad~ I told him it wasn't just that, but that we weren't good for each other because being around him using made me want to use. But, terrible enough, I waited until he was home and clean to break it to him.(but I thought that was what I should do in that kind of scary relationship) So he flipped out even more.

He said "I'll never use again then, I'll agree to go to AA meetings, just come back, just come back. Just say yes, and come back soon. I'll do anything, just, come back." And he used to threaten to dump me all the time but "didn't really mean it." It hurt me a damn lot though...

Am I wrong? Should I have just let him go? I told him I'd go back but don't want to get trapped with him again...he said it was my fault he didn't know he was being so bad because I would just close up. I just shut down when he got furious... I don't like yelling and violence.

Should I just tell him again, for real, with my own voice? He said that if I didn't call and tell him personally last night that he'd jump off a cliff~so I called and talked to him after he nearly jumped~after he had already gone back home and his parents talked him out of it.

Or should I really give him another chance? ;_; I've been actually scared of him a bit for the last year...

Seren

Hello Art, Welcome to SR!

None of us can tell you whether or not you should give him another chance, but it sure seems to me that he is not doing anything to change his behavior. He may talk a good game, but his past behavior is the best indication of what he is going to be like in the future. And really, what kind of relationship is it if you are afraid?

It it were me, I would not give an active addict another chance--not unless and until he had at least 1 year of good, solid recovery in place.

I hope that you stick around, read as many threads as you can--especially the stickies (at the top of each forum). Welcome, again!

dandylion

ArtofSunrise, I think your initial judgements of this situation were good ones. His behavior is typical of an addict---promises to change, shifting blame to you, manipulations, etc...
He doesn't sound even close to actual recovery and an addict will often make promises that they can't keep/won't keep.

You sound young, and it would be detrimental to your life to tie your self to a life of addiction. The partner of an active alcoholic/addict can expect to live with a lot of pain and chaos. It won't enlarge and enrich your life---it will be quite the opposite.

In addition, he sounds like he has a lot of anger and problems with impulse control---that can lead to domestic violence. You already have expressed concern over your safety.

In my judgement (from what you shared) that letting him go would be in your best interest. You can't help him. You are up against a disease that will take both of you down. He is in charge of his life and he is the only one that can help himself.

It is a sad reality that "love" is not enough to overcome addiction. It would be best if you stood by your guns with him and just cut off ties with him. He won't like it and probably say some very hurtful kinds of things--but, your life and happiness is at stake.

When a person is threatening suicide--it is best to just call 911 and let the professionals deal with him.

sincerely, dandylion

LexieCat

Hi, and welcome to SR.

Reading your post I am very concerned for your personal safety. I've worked in the DV field for many years, and his controlling behavior, the fact that you have (reasonable, IMO) fears for your safety, his threats of suicide--all those make him dangerous to you.

If I were you, I would stay away from him and tell him you don't want any further contact with him. I would also call the domestic violence hotline and talk to a counselor. They can help you with safety planning in case he starts harassing you.

Threats of suicide are not only extremely manipulative, but if he is serious they can indicate a high level of dangerousness to you and to others. Someone who doesn't care about his own life may decide to take someone with him.

You can also get to Al-Anon, which can help you recover from the effects of living with an alcoholic/addict.

Please take good care of yourself. I agree with dandelion--if he threatens suicide again, call 911 and let the pros deal with him.

Hugs, glad you are here.

theseithakas

I would cut ties with this person. It sounds like a volatile and dangerous situation, as others have said. I understand how difficult it can be when someone is telling you they're going to hurt themselves if you leave, but that's also him being manipulative. If he does hurt himself, it has nothing to do with you, and it's your fault. Take care

theseithakas

Clearly meant to say it's NOT your fault. I'm having trouble editing the post, so sorry for the additional reply. And thanks LexieCat, for pointing out my typo!

ArtofSunrise

Thank you all for the advice but I think it's too late for me to do that, but I'm not sure...

He says he has to make it right and HAS to see me, even if I tell him I don't want to see him anymore in person. He's driving 13 hours down to see me. Right Now.


All because I couldn't tell him on the phone, word for word, "No, I don't want to see you anymore."


He won't take a text of no~I should have stopped talking to him. Cut it off and hung up and ignored him but I couldn't do it....


I can try to do it when he's on his way, I feel so terrible.... and scared. ;_;

And he was like "So you just want to screw a bunch of guys and want me to screw a bunch of girls, don't you? Why else would you want to break up with me??" I said "The drugs" he said "We went OVER that I've been clean or tried to be for the last 3 months, I've waited for you for 3 months." Never mind that in those 3 months he relapsed for 4 weeks of them in between and saw me for a month in between as well... >_< Why can't I get a back bone?

AnvilheadII

call him right now, tell him NO. tell him if he shows up you'll call the cops. lock the doors and windows and do not let him in.

wicked

It is never too late as long as you are alive.
Get out of your house, and go somewhere safe.
Call the domestic violence hotline right now.
If he is driving 13 hours because you could not say certain words, that sounds incredibly manipulative and impulsive.
Dangerous combination in an addict.

Do not be there when he arrives.
You owe him NOTHING, no explanation, no certain words, no face to face.
NOTHING.

Please get away right now.
He is choosing crazy behavior to try to control you.
Get domestic violence help.

Beth

Tuffgirl

Yeah, hon, do this ^^^.

Want a backbone? GROW one and fast. It's called standing up for yourself. Having self worth. Deserving better and knowing it.

Thing is, no one else can do this for you.

Peace, and stay safe,
~T

EverHopeful721

It is NOT too late, ArtofSunrise!! I second Anvil - call him RIGHT NOW, tell him NO and that you WILL call the police if he shows up and if he does, FOLLOW THROUGH!! This does NOT sound like a good situation to be in!! He sounds desperate and a desperate person who feels he has nothing to lose is DANGEROUS!!! And if he won't pick up when you call, then text him immediately and tell him the same thing - do NOT come or you WILL call the cops!!!!

And I like wicked's suggestion even better - do not even BE there if and when he shows up!! Please stay with a friend or family member for a day or two, just to get yourself out of any potential danger!!

wicked

Okay, this is manipulation pure and simple. This whole jumping off a cliff? Happened in his addicted mind to get you to call him. His parents talked him out of it? How? By text? He called from the cliff to manipulate his parents, and then used his parents to manipulate you.
The whole story smells of manure. Opiate fueled manure.
I hope you do not allow him near you, especially if he has driven 13 hours on drugs.
You surely do not believe he could do that without a little help from his friend opiate, do you?
Please, if there was ever a time to get a back bone, it is now.
He is wackadoodle crazy right now.
He will continue to up the manipulative ante until you give in.
NEVER give in. NEVER give up.

There is a life for you outside of addiction. Please keep yourself safe so you can live it.

Beth

LexieCat

I vote for Anvil AND wicked. Call him, tell him if he shows up you are calling the police.

And leave the house (locking the doors, first). Stay with a friend, go to a motel, or call the DV shelter.

In addition, I would call the police NOW and tell them what is going on, and that you want a restraining order/order of protection. At the very least his phone calls and texts appear to amount to harassment--particularly when you put it in the context of the history and his suicide threats.

Please take action to protect yourself. I've seen these kinds of situations have tragic outcomes. The whole scenario screams danger to me.

Keep us posted on what is going on. We're here to help all we can, but you have to take certain steps on your own.