EveningRose

What is the proper response to those who have done you no harm--but stand back and tacitly approve the behavior of the abuser? Who watch the abuse occur, say nothing, and go right back to having a good time with the abuser, letting him know his behavior won't harm his relationship with them? What do you do when these people expect that this shouldn't affect their relationship with you?

I'm at the end of my rope. I think I've done so well. I think I'm calm, happy, peaceful, focusing on my own life, and then something hits again.

Long story short, I took a 20 yo nephew (son of the Screaming Sister) on a long and expensive trip to see my daughter graduate, because it was important to them both. They're close. He was rude to me a couple of times on the trip. He let me pay for everything, despite our agreement he would help with expenses. On arriving home, he informed me he would not pay a cent because I had not 'met his terms' of producing receipts for every expenditure (although he watched me fill every gas tank, slept in comfort on my dime, and ate all the food he watched me buy). A detailed account taken from my credit card statement was not suitable enough.

He went from there to calling me a selfish bitch, asinine, and informing me I was not behaving like an adult nor treating him like one. His language became more vulgar toward me, and he went on to tell me what he thinks my personal flaws are. He was asked to leave.

My young adult son and daughter, who were also treated to several days R&R on this trip, at my expense, stood by watching, said nothing, and greeted me with a stony silence after he left. They went off to a family picnic and had a great time with him. Their behavior clearly told him they didn't take exception to his behavior.

In the meantime...this young adult son and daughter, who took no exception to nephew saying I don't treat them like adults, expect to live here in my home all summer rent free. My daughter defended him after he left, saying I should have given him receipts.

My car is currently parked so as to leave no room in the driveway for them when they return. I'm furious. I'm disgusted. I don't believe I have ever spoken to an adult like that in my life. My father has physically abused me and picked and found fault and criticized my whole life and I don't believe I've ever spoken to him like that.

I'm ready to tell these two to leave.

If I need sense talked into me before I do something rash, do it.

I feel like I've been strong through so much of this, and tonight, for perhaps the first time ever, I feel like the proverbial dog who's kicked and kicked and kicked and finally turns mean and vicious.

DavidG

Ok... (deep breath)... please consider your kids... ok, so their loyalty to their cousin is strong... but the trip and trip costs are not their issue.

Me? Adults in my life did not line up and back me up support me! In my hours and hours of need they just weren't there!

I just learn to suck that in... I get a lot from other adult children in my world, many of whom I choose to call friend.

But- to take out your anger- rage on your own kids at this time would be bad- in my opinion.

:>) David.

EveningRose

My daughter has left the house, and yes, I'm still furious.

This is the end of the line of a long, long list of people expecting me to suck it up. You know how you think you've dealt with things, you think you've got it handled, you're over it, and then one thing sets it all off and it all comes screaming out again, snapping back up in your face like reverse dominos? That's what's happening tonight.

My son--to his credit trying to have a productive and helpful discussion--used the phrase "when you get in fights with people." Excuse me, 'get in fights?' Like when I tell an older son to quit bullying his younger brothers, that is apparently me 'getting into a fight with someone.' When I say No, thank you, I'm not spending family get-togethers being screamed at, that is apparently me 'getting into a fight with someone.' This is the frustration of them spending time with this toxic family, hearing this kind of stuff and not thinking it through: what is a mother supposed to do when an older kid won't leave a younger one alone? I didn't get down and roll in the mud with him, I told him calmly and he continued to escalate, refusing to leave them alone. What is someone supposed to do when there's repeated bad behavior--keep going back for more? I didn't get down in the mud and fight. I simply walked away. Seriously??

Yes, deep breath.

But I'm still furious. I'm furious with a lifetime of this sort of thing, all leading very directly back to the sperm donor's drinking and abusive behavior.

tromboneliness

Don't move the car. Tell the kids you'll reimburse them for expenses, from now on. They have to front the cash and save receipts. They'll love that! :-D

T

DesertEyes

They have a name for people like that, it's called a "Passive Participant". It is such a common type that they went and made a whole program just to teach people how to handle such "types". The program is called Al-Anon.

May I ask why you are "climbing a rope" at all? Why you have placed yourself in a position where your emotions are subject to such continued attacks which have exhausted your serenity to such a point?

Perhaps that is the problem. You are involved to such an extent that you _can_ get hit. Al-anon, and other programs like it, have a large number of tools that teach things like "detachment", "boundaries", etc.

A dog gets kicked because it does not get out of the way. You are getting "kicked" because you do not "get out of the way". This nephew you mention, is this the _first_ time he has acted like this? From what you have share it does not sound like the first time. So, if it is not the first time he has "kicked" you, why do you continue to stand in front of his foot. Why did you agree to his "financial terms" in the first place?

If I understand your questions correctly, you went on a car trip with a man who you know is abusive ( an emotional abuser ), you agreed to his "terms" that were clearly a manipulation, and then when he acted in the manner that seems his standard style you are surprised.

You are not defending yourself from this man. You are not removing yourself from the situation.

Here's a standard al-anon suggestion. Turn it around. What if you had a friend who did exactly what you have done. Went on a trip with an abusive man, _knowing_ that he is an abusive man. From what you have learned here on SoberRecovery, what advise would you give that friend?

Mike

Kialua

Wow, I would have kicked his behind to the curb at the first mention of rudeness. I am a tough cookie and no one pulls this on me. He would have put up money up front or not gotten in the car with me. Just last week I stopped a person talking to me and asked her why she would want to be rude to me when I am being nice to her. She apologized and we had no further trouble and continued with our good time.

And I would move my family away, whether they like it or not, from that town with the relatives so fast it would make all their heads spin. They are using this time to turn them against you.

I'm sorry but I have to ask why do you allow people to treat you like this and when will it stop. I'm not saying you have to be a screamer or anything but just politely and coldly lay down the law and stick to it. I don't allow anyone to treat me like that. I even had one of my girlfriends husband yell at me in public once, for something that was not my fault. I cut off all ties with him even after he apologized profusely, I am still friends with the wife, but not the husband and he knows it and treads lightly. You apparently have a lifetime of letting people get away with the kind of crap and it will startle them if you draw the line but you have not choice. I guess you could from now on stand up to them firmly. I would also look into suing this nephew if you have any proof at all, take him to small claims court. Even an oral contract can be partially upheld and if he starts spouting off in court about your supposed wrongs he will most likely lose.

Good luck, my prayers are with you.

EveningRose

No, he has NOT behaved this way before. He has been in my home numerous times over the years and has always been pleasant to have around. That's why I didn't think twice about agreeing to bring him. Believe me, I've already let him know he's not coming back to my home. There will not be a second time.

I didn't agree to any such financial terms. There was a general agreement to pitch in with costs. I have had no reason, from past experience with him, to think he would pull a thing like this. There was no agreement that I must save receipts. There were no 'terms' and given that he's a 20 year old who sat back and let me do all the work, I never would have agreed that he had any right to lay down terms to me at all. This 'you didn't meet my terms' was his phrase entirely after the fact.

As above: no, I've had no past experience with him behaving so. I wouldn't call him a man. I didn't agree to any terms of his at all.

I have at this point. He knows he's not welcome back here.

My question was not about the nephew. That's dealt with. It was about my own kids: those who stood by. The daughter has moved out. The son is being somewhat conciliatory, and said he did tell the nephew he was out of line.

DesertEyes

Got it. My bad. I misunderstood your post. My apologies.

Mike

Kialua

I've been thinking about this, and how true it is, that most people do stand aside and let evil flourish. Happened to me and my siblings when my Mom let my alcoholic Dad beat us, and even between us siblings. No one made sure I wasn't getting beat after they left home. So that speaks to codependency and enabling. Even Hitler had friends I guess.

This song has been playing in my head since I read this thread. "Don't say nothing bad about my baby, he's good, he's good to me, and that's all I care about."

irisgardens

Thank you for sharing eveningrose...have been dealing with similar things with adult children...and understand...getting a lot from responses.