words of wisdom for wife of opiate addict?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Location: ohio
Posts: 8
words of wisdom for wife of opiate addict?
Well, hello- This is my first time here and ever posting in a forum. I am here because my husband has recently opened up to me about his current addiction to heroin. He has been using drugs since he was 13 and heroin since he was 18-he is now 26. When we first got together five years ago he had told me that he was a recovering heroin addict and had put together a year and a half. I had been oblivious to the fact that he would still really struggle with this, and after four years of being together I found out through someone else that he was heavily into opiates again. I confronted him and he said he needed my support-I stayed and things kind of went back to "normal"- he did not get professional help-we did actually move to another state during the time and we thought that would be a good step- but apparently it found him there. Basically since I found out a year ago- he has been acting like he was sober- and keeping the truth from me. We have an almost four year old little girl together.
Anyway- He is a functioning addict. He goes to work every day and he manages out finances. After getting a significant amount of a tax return and selling our van for a few thousand dollars I was asking him about what kind of money we currently have. I was surprised to find out we didn't have any of the money we just had a month ago. I asked him then, if he had been using the money for drugs and he came clean. He said he has been wanting to tell me about it, and has been hoping I would ask him about it because he didn't know how to bring it up. He told me that he wanted me to manage the finances and that he wanted to get some professional help and suboxone treatment- and that he wanted me to help manage the suboxone.
We went to the doctor a couple days later and got a script for suboxone. The next week was difficult. I knew that he might relapse, and I told him that as long as he was honest with me about it-I would still be here for him-and that I don't expect him to be perfect right away, but I do expect honesty- and I told him that he needs to tell me by at least the next day or I will consider him to be trying to hide it. Well this week(the first full week on suboxone) he tells me 4 days after he relapsed. and he told me because I was bringing it up specifically. I guess I am just wondering what I should expect here. I want to support him, but I am wondering what that support looks like. I am not the type of women to micro-manage my man, but I am wondering if that is what is necessary here? Do I need to ask him every day, or do I tell him what I expect of him, and if he does not do those things does that tell me that he is not all in- that he is not serious about his recovery?
I am tired of being played the fool. I love him dearly, and I have made a commitment to him-through about good times and bad- and if he is serious about wanting to kick this I want to do whatever is needed to help- if that means to stay and micro manage stuff I will, and I am also realizing that it might be stepping away to give him a chance to really want it.
Do any of you have experience or wisdom in this? I appreciate all your words and experiences. Thank you for your time!
Anyway- He is a functioning addict. He goes to work every day and he manages out finances. After getting a significant amount of a tax return and selling our van for a few thousand dollars I was asking him about what kind of money we currently have. I was surprised to find out we didn't have any of the money we just had a month ago. I asked him then, if he had been using the money for drugs and he came clean. He said he has been wanting to tell me about it, and has been hoping I would ask him about it because he didn't know how to bring it up. He told me that he wanted me to manage the finances and that he wanted to get some professional help and suboxone treatment- and that he wanted me to help manage the suboxone.
We went to the doctor a couple days later and got a script for suboxone. The next week was difficult. I knew that he might relapse, and I told him that as long as he was honest with me about it-I would still be here for him-and that I don't expect him to be perfect right away, but I do expect honesty- and I told him that he needs to tell me by at least the next day or I will consider him to be trying to hide it. Well this week(the first full week on suboxone) he tells me 4 days after he relapsed. and he told me because I was bringing it up specifically. I guess I am just wondering what I should expect here. I want to support him, but I am wondering what that support looks like. I am not the type of women to micro-manage my man, but I am wondering if that is what is necessary here? Do I need to ask him every day, or do I tell him what I expect of him, and if he does not do those things does that tell me that he is not all in- that he is not serious about his recovery?
I am tired of being played the fool. I love him dearly, and I have made a commitment to him-through about good times and bad- and if he is serious about wanting to kick this I want to do whatever is needed to help- if that means to stay and micro manage stuff I will, and I am also realizing that it might be stepping away to give him a chance to really want it.
Do any of you have experience or wisdom in this? I appreciate all your words and experiences. Thank you for your time!
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Welcome to SR, I am glad you found us but sorry for your circumstance.
It's a long and rough road being married to an active addict, and sadly it's a progressive disease and gets worse over time. I know that's not what you want to hear, but it's the sad truth unless the addict himself wants to stop.
My son is the addicted loved one in my life, but I know the pain of watching someone you love self-destruct. And it's sad for your daughter too.
Take a read around, especially the sticky posts at the top of this forum, and you will find a lot of helpful information there. Others will be along to welcome you also. You are among friends here who understand, so make yourself comfortable and know you are not alone.
Hugs
It's a long and rough road being married to an active addict, and sadly it's a progressive disease and gets worse over time. I know that's not what you want to hear, but it's the sad truth unless the addict himself wants to stop.
My son is the addicted loved one in my life, but I know the pain of watching someone you love self-destruct. And it's sad for your daughter too.
Take a read around, especially the sticky posts at the top of this forum, and you will find a lot of helpful information there. Others will be along to welcome you also. You are among friends here who understand, so make yourself comfortable and know you are not alone.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 2,282
bcimkaela,
We all feel your pain. As far as the commitment goes,I understand.But looked
at logically--- it is kind of a lottery win for addiction,don't you think?
My lady and I have shared 36 wonderful years together and I am grateful for
every second.But in no way,shape, or form is it a license for us to abuse each other.
Think of the statement...."no matter how much you hurt me, cheat me, or
attack me....I will stick around unconditionally"
What motivation is there? If you run around, hurt her, denigrate her---- but she
still 'loves' you & cooks breakfast for you.......where is the cost? Why NOT chase that
hottie at the gym?
'Til death do us part is not a life sentence of misery for those waiting for some
magical afterlife payout for those who 'stick it out'.
This is your life.Putting up with habitual mistreatment is NOT a good idea. If a time
comes when my wife feels habitually hurt or used or damaged by me-----I hope she has
the good judgement to toss my a** to the curb.
(trust me......she would!......I married a gal of high character)
All human relationships need to be balanced (give 'n take).
They can tolerate going in the hole for short periods-----but no bank can
condone limitless withdrawals unless deposits are made.
We all feel your pain. As far as the commitment goes,I understand.But looked
at logically--- it is kind of a lottery win for addiction,don't you think?
My lady and I have shared 36 wonderful years together and I am grateful for
every second.But in no way,shape, or form is it a license for us to abuse each other.
Think of the statement...."no matter how much you hurt me, cheat me, or
attack me....I will stick around unconditionally"
What motivation is there? If you run around, hurt her, denigrate her---- but she
still 'loves' you & cooks breakfast for you.......where is the cost? Why NOT chase that
hottie at the gym?
'Til death do us part is not a life sentence of misery for those waiting for some
magical afterlife payout for those who 'stick it out'.
This is your life.Putting up with habitual mistreatment is NOT a good idea. If a time
comes when my wife feels habitually hurt or used or damaged by me-----I hope she has
the good judgement to toss my a** to the curb.
(trust me......she would!......I married a gal of high character)
All human relationships need to be balanced (give 'n take).
They can tolerate going in the hole for short periods-----but no bank can
condone limitless withdrawals unless deposits are made.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
Welcome to the forum. You probably feel very alone with this, in over your head.
The child is first priority. If he is using heroin, he puts her at risk. And commonly the state will remove a child from a home in which drug abuse is occurring. I think you are going to have to lay down some hard boundaries--some painful boundaries--if you want to do the right thing as the sober parent.
My understanding of addiction is that the decision to stop is not an intellectual one. It usually happens in a period--or a moment--of total hopelessness and defeat. I'm not sure your spouse is at that moment. "Kitchen table" style discussions to formulate a sobriety plan for the drug addict are not usually successful. It is not the ego which is running the addict's brain. It is the lower brain, which does not make value-based choices. So underneath all the rational conversations we think we are having with an active addict, there is an addict brain craving and planning the next high, no matter the consequences.
I would not trust anything he says today. He is living a secret life. All addicts do. Whatever he confesses to you, it is highly unlikely to be the whole story. I'm sorry you have to face this in your life. But today, in your life, he is the most untrustworthy person you know.
The child is first priority. If he is using heroin, he puts her at risk. And commonly the state will remove a child from a home in which drug abuse is occurring. I think you are going to have to lay down some hard boundaries--some painful boundaries--if you want to do the right thing as the sober parent.
My understanding of addiction is that the decision to stop is not an intellectual one. It usually happens in a period--or a moment--of total hopelessness and defeat. I'm not sure your spouse is at that moment. "Kitchen table" style discussions to formulate a sobriety plan for the drug addict are not usually successful. It is not the ego which is running the addict's brain. It is the lower brain, which does not make value-based choices. So underneath all the rational conversations we think we are having with an active addict, there is an addict brain craving and planning the next high, no matter the consequences.
I would not trust anything he says today. He is living a secret life. All addicts do. Whatever he confesses to you, it is highly unlikely to be the whole story. I'm sorry you have to face this in your life. But today, in your life, he is the most untrustworthy person you know.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Location: ohio
Posts: 8
Thank you all for your words. I am blown away as I read others stories because I feel as if I am living that exact circumstance of so many of you. I have trusted and "supported" him in the past and it has not served the purposed I had hoped. I think I am finally beginning to allow myself to see the true patterns and not for what I might hope them to be. I do not know why I am so eager to trust and give chance after chance.
My biggest deal is that it was just last week that we talked of me managing money and me managing his suboxone and him telling me when he uses within a certain acceptable time frame- and this week all of those things have fallen through. he has not made a legitmate effort in any of those areas.
I am understanding it is time to choose better for my daughter and myself. I want to tell him to leave- and I anticipate that will be a fight in itself as he has no where else to go- and although we are renting- he acts as if it is his house because he is the primary provider. ugh- does it get ay easier???
My biggest deal is that it was just last week that we talked of me managing money and me managing his suboxone and him telling me when he uses within a certain acceptable time frame- and this week all of those things have fallen through. he has not made a legitmate effort in any of those areas.
I am understanding it is time to choose better for my daughter and myself. I want to tell him to leave- and I anticipate that will be a fight in itself as he has no where else to go- and although we are renting- he acts as if it is his house because he is the primary provider. ugh- does it get ay easier???
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,927
My husbands drug was opiate based pain meds that started by prescription. My husband was also a highly functional user. He maintained a very good job, paid bills, shared in all our finances, was never abusive… although we did have some big arguments over his behavior when the drugs got out of control; his staying out late with his friends from work (who became his suppliers after his legit prescriptions ran out) and I suggested he leave until he was done using. Finally after one argument, he did just that. It is something that I regret. We were separated a year, and his use got much worse. He began using Xanax and also cocaine. He finally went to my parents, and admitted he needed help, and me (and my parents) got him into detox, and then a non 12 step rehab based on private therapy. He celebrated his one year clean in May, and now only works with a therapist a couple times a month.
When my husband was in rehab, they gave me a therapist to work with and she enlightened me for lack of a better word on addiction. My first suggestions to you would be to read the stickys at the top of the forum that are from the National Institute of Drug Abuse. One link talks about how addiction is a complex disease, and basically it explains what affect drugs have on a person’s brain while they are actively using. For example, his not coming clean about relapsing immediately is understandable. The brain at a subconscious level actually begins to equate the drug with survival – even higher up than food, water. So addicts will protect their use. His lying was not personal against you even though it feels like a betrayal. The fact that he even admitted it to you, was vocal about getting professional help is very good, but now he needs to put that into action. There is another Sticky from Natl Institute of Drug Abuse that has info for families…. The concept that people have to hit a rock bottom for example is very dangerous. With my husband for example, getting out of his way led him to a life of non-inhibited use, and he began other drugs, and made some very bad choices. NIDA actually recommends that family avoids enabling, but continues to support and encourage treatment unless this is harmful to them personally. The sticky also has info on the CRAFT method (community reinforcement and family training) that does several things: helps you evaluate your relationship, set boundaries to protect yourself (daughter, finances), helps you work on communication with your husband, and teaches methods to encourage his desire to seek treatment. They key is balance. It has a very high success rate of getting loved ones into treatment where they can find the help they need to overcome addiction.
My son was only an infant when his dad went into rehab. I understand the very sensitive nature of having a child in surroundings when a parent is in active addiction, so my only true suggestion would be to follow your instincts on what is best for your child given your specific situation.
When my husband was in rehab, they gave me a therapist to work with and she enlightened me for lack of a better word on addiction. My first suggestions to you would be to read the stickys at the top of the forum that are from the National Institute of Drug Abuse. One link talks about how addiction is a complex disease, and basically it explains what affect drugs have on a person’s brain while they are actively using. For example, his not coming clean about relapsing immediately is understandable. The brain at a subconscious level actually begins to equate the drug with survival – even higher up than food, water. So addicts will protect their use. His lying was not personal against you even though it feels like a betrayal. The fact that he even admitted it to you, was vocal about getting professional help is very good, but now he needs to put that into action. There is another Sticky from Natl Institute of Drug Abuse that has info for families…. The concept that people have to hit a rock bottom for example is very dangerous. With my husband for example, getting out of his way led him to a life of non-inhibited use, and he began other drugs, and made some very bad choices. NIDA actually recommends that family avoids enabling, but continues to support and encourage treatment unless this is harmful to them personally. The sticky also has info on the CRAFT method (community reinforcement and family training) that does several things: helps you evaluate your relationship, set boundaries to protect yourself (daughter, finances), helps you work on communication with your husband, and teaches methods to encourage his desire to seek treatment. They key is balance. It has a very high success rate of getting loved ones into treatment where they can find the help they need to overcome addiction.
My son was only an infant when his dad went into rehab. I understand the very sensitive nature of having a child in surroundings when a parent is in active addiction, so my only true suggestion would be to follow your instincts on what is best for your child given your specific situation.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Nashville, TN
Posts: 5
My husband also is an opiate addict. It began with pills & has now progressed to shooting heroine. At one point, about a year & half ago he was in a suboxone program. I wish I could say it worked for him, but he was only in the program for a very short period of time before he began abusing the suboxone. He would use his 1 month prescription in less than 1/2 that time. He would then justify having to go out on the street to buy more. Then he would say he wanted me to monitor his prescription & give him the appropriate dose daily. I should have never agreed to that, it was just another daily disappointment. He would say ANYthing to get more. He would tell me he had lost the dose I had given him, that his doc said he should take extra on the days he felt like he needed it, he would hold back part of the prescription & tell me the doc gave him a smaller script, etc. One month he even tried to say they had refused to give him his script, but that wasn't the case he just didn't want me to prevent him from using it the way he wanted. It just became another point of lies & manipulation between us. I have 4 sons with my husband & am expecting our 5th son in just 10 weeks. My husband is currently out on a binge & we haven't spoken to him in over 48 hours. I understand the struggle of trying to focus on yourself & your children while being worried about your loved one's safety & health. It's beginning to sink in that I have to detach & I'm doing a better job with it. I wish you the best my dear, hold your head up!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: orlando florida
Posts: 120
bcim...happy u came to the site! Its given me lots of perspective etc. I too was told by my bf he was an xaddict but infact using the whole time when I wasn't w him in the daytime...his workday. Allforc...is right...he's not lying to purposely hurt u or betray u...their mindsets altered for real!! I hope he gets help and genuinely wants it cuz that's the ONLY way he will get clean! I'm glad ur there to watch over ur little one! 
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