Midlifecrisis

He's trying really hard, but my hubby just resents me so much

How do I make it better? It doesn't help that he's having to do heaps at the moment because I'm physically unwell still

brianbeer

hey midlife

what are the resentments towards you, are you the drinker or is he?

least

What does he resent about you? The fact that you're still not able to do much? I'd only suggest just doing the next right thing and wait for time to heal things.

Midlifecrisis

I'm and addict.

Resents how I was when using and drinking. The lies about how much I was using. The way I forgot things all the time and now can't remember alot of tjjngs from the past year

That I've done this to myself and now can't function because of it. He's so good with looking after us all but there's still so much resentment there.

It's my fault completely and I don't know how to make it better.

Dee74

I think early recovery is just as hard on our loved ones MLC - maybe even harder cos unless they've been through it they can't fully understand.

Compared to the years we spent high, a few weeks is probably not enough for things to start healing.

I think we have to take our lumps for a little while - but it happened a lot quicker than I expected it to.

It's your job to keep getting better - not to fix this.
It fixes itself.

People do forgive, in time, and they do respond positively to the changes in us

Have faith and patience

D

MIRecovery

Sobriety is the first step. Working the steps of AA will take care of the rest of the problems

tomsteve

how the resentments will go away is by you putting in the footwork to become clean and sober and live like a Christian.
put yourself in his shoes for the last year.im sure you would have a resentment or 2.

ya gotta put in the footwork and change you. not for him or your kids, but for you.

its gonna take T.I.M.E.( Things I( you in this matter) Must Earn).

Midlifecrisis

I'm not saying he has no right to have resentments. I completely own that. Completely. It's my fault through and through

Hevyn

I think as he sees you healing, he'll begin to let go of any resentment. He may be a little afraid to hope everything will be ok & he's holding back a little. Everyone in my life was disgusted with me, but they have all come around - and as Dee said, quicker than expected.

jluv83864

I feel your pain. My husband has a lot of resentment but I will say it's gotten better. Espeically since I have stopped lieing, taking and using. I used to think I could just try harder and not lie, take and use. I was wrong. Only now when I'm sober and doing right can I honestly say the resentment is getting better. I'm not even consciously trying to do right, as long as I am not using it comes natural to me. However when I am using I am another person. Someone who is not like my natural self, someone who lacks moral judgement. I can tell my partner I'm sorry everyday but the most important thing he told I could do is to show him by doing right. I could get $20,000-$50,000 and give it to him. It still wouldn't change the feelings he has.I can do anything and everything to try to make it up to him. Actions will always speak louder then words. When he starts to reminise about what I've done in the past, I ask why are we spinning our wheels backwards? What do you want me to do to fix this? Most imporantly you have to let me make it up to you, you have to give me the chance to prove it. Like for months my partner wouldn't give me the debit card, he slowly gives it to me for purchases or a day here and there. I have to do exactly what I will say I will do and if it changes ask. He tells me we need to talk to each other about purchases over $50 before we purchase. I recently started to respect this. I know some people can't get over things like cheating for example but I believe if anyone wants to live again they will have to learn to trust. Good luck. Feel free to write me. I ahve had a lot of regrets. I have done a lot of healing and still have a ways to go.

Dee74

no point in beating yourself up MLC - that was then, this is now - you're trying really hard to change...be a little proud of that

D

Pondlady

MLC,
I only allowed my resentments towards my father to surface, after he stopped drinking. While he was actively drinking, we were all busy covering up and trying to survive...it was only when he was sober, that it all bubbled to the surface.

I believe it needs to happen.....you wouldn't want his resentment to fester inside of him. Just concentrate on your recovery for now. You've all been through a lot....give it a little time You're doing great - hugs.

Midlifecrisis

Yeah I think you're right. It is just going to take time. I'm such an instant gratification person!

Grungehead

By staying sober.

Like others have said it takes time. I think it's easy for us alcoholic/addicts to expect everything to be better instantly when we quit, but we forget how long we drank/used to get to the point we're at now. Not only did our addiction effect ourselves but it effected other people in our lives. They were happy that I quit but it took awhile for them to forgive and trust me again. I'm speaking from my experience from the first 2 times I quit. I'm still going through the trust issues this time at 40 days.

I hate the slogan "time takes time"...but it's true.

tomsteve

time alone prolly wont do it. if nothing changes nothing changes. yer gonna have to take responsibilty and accountability for getting help to get ya weller.

deeker

Mid I realized after a few weeks in the beginning that nothing changes until something changes. There was nothing I could do or say to my hubby and son to make them feel differently about me. I had to show them. I had to consistently show them that I was putting forth the effort to stay sober and get healthy.

I got into AA/NA. But there is Celebrate recovery , outpatient counseling etc.

He may not think you are changing if your behaviors are the same. each day make a little bit more effort to help out.

What kind of recovery literature do you have? Do you have a sponsor or an accountability partner at church.

If you focus on the problems you will stay in the problem. start focusing on the solution. Ask people in here what they are doing to stay sober. Click on people's profiles. Look for people with time. Read some of their posts.

Determine if they a fairly happy in their recovery. they may have something you want.

But just staying in the problem is not gonna get you well. Try to stop dwelling on the withdrawals, the past, the resentments and get into the solution.

MIRecovery

My wife is starting to trust me again after almost four years sober it takes a long time to heal. She has known me as a drunk addict a lot longer than she's known me as a sober person. I cannot be responsible for what she thinks or what she doesn't think. I can only be responsible for myself and my sobriety

EverySngleNight

Make sure you're reminding him how grateful you are for him picking up the slack while you're healing. The little things too. Be specific. You couldn't do this without him. You know? Tell him how grateful you are for him standing by you in your time of need. Tell him you understand his uncertainty and you know he needs time, but you are grateful to him for giving you the chance to make it right. Tell him how much you love him and respect him for being a stand up father and husband.

It's hard and our partners need time. If I worry too much- "are you mad at me?" "Do you still love me." "I'm not worthy." Etc- I'm putting, not only extra household and partner responsibilities on him, I'm then holding him liable for my emotional state and my own sense of security as well. That's a lot to ask of anyone. Much less a person who has been on this road with you, who may fear saying/doing the wrong thing out of fear that you'll use, while also trying to protect themselves. It's complicated.

Too complicated to just be given a "get out of jail free" card. It would be wonderful if we could just have all of the past erased like magic. It's just not how it goes.

Focus on your recovery. Stick with it! We can't have it all at once. Be strong and express gratitude to him. Honor and love. :-)

I love reading your posts BTW. I hope this helps. Hang in there!

Midlifecrisis

Thank you everyone. When I look at it, thjngs are changing slowly. Instant gratification is my middle name lol.

I love my husband, I can't actually believe he has stood by me. I'm very undeserving. I do tell him all the time how much I appreciate it for sure. And I give back in other ways . I really do appreciate him, so much.

I've been begging him to go and do somehthing for him, to have some time out for ages. Tonight he is gojng to play music with a friend (his passion) so I am really glad

Anna

That sounds like a good idea, MLC. I understand the frustration of being not trusted/resented, etc, but as others have said, all you can do it stay sober and work hard on your relationship with your husband and children. Learning patience was a very hard lesson for me, but the upside is that it's helped to keep me sober because I never want to be in that position again.