Is my boyfriend suffering from alcoholism?
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Join Date: May 2013
Location: toronto
Posts: 1
Is my boyfriend suffering from alcoholism?
My boyfriend of 2 years turns into a different person when he drinks. When sober, we are inseparable, best friends, we emit love. Before we started dating we would drink together with friends. I didnt notice anything different, everyone was having a good time. It was only sometimes he would act out and say offensive remarks to other people and I always joked, "wow hes going to get his ass kicked one day"
Over the course of 2 years we've only enjoyed each others company possibly twice while drunk, other times would end up in arguments, and tears. He cut down on drinking after our first few fights and only sometimes he would drink heavily; once a month if that. But he likes his beer, and would casually drink liquor by himself.
I would try to keep him from being too crazy, by telling him to relax or by distracting him but he would always have something negative to say either to me or to someone else and would have nothing of my suggestions.
He would verbally abuse me and playfully jab me in the stomach or punch my face and slap me. It would never hurt but I definitely would feel it. He once charged at me while I was sitting on stairs. I hit my head and he simply walked off. We almost broke up that night. Even in front of my family we would get into fights. One time he got so angry at me that he purposely would "accidentally" elbow me or step on my feet. The next day he says he doesnt remember what he said or did.
We've talked about how he treats me when he's drunk and he agreed, that nothing good comes about when he's drinking. He lost his license from DUI last year and he also said he has hurt many people in the past.. We have mutual friends who dont want to invite him out anymore because he acts so irrational and intolerable. He would argue with my friends and create a scene, kill my buzz and others as well. He told me one time that he wouldnt drink anymore but I said its fine to drink, just know your limit.
We agreed to help each other and to listen to each other when things would start to get out of control. That him and I will try to relax and have fun, that I wouldnt be so uptight and he wouldnt be so obnoxious. But no, things are still the same. I thought I was the problem at first but I would try different approaches to calm him down. By avoiding him, by asking if hes good, telling him im not mad but to chill out, relax. But I would be too late and he wont listen, he would think he is always right and would always try to make a statement though people around are just trying to have fun.
I feel responsible for him and I hate that I have to babysit him all the time. Im afraid that I'm seeing early signs of alcoholism in him. I found out recently that alcoholism runs in the family and that his uncle is an alcoholic.
We are deeply in love with each other, talked about having a family and growing old together. We recently came back from a 2 month backpacking trip and decided to celebrate our return. He got too drunk and started yelling profanity to the band playing and for them to get off the stage. I was confused because the singer was singing about love and respect. He also started arguing with another guy at the club. I asked him what his problem was and he got mad. He told me to leave, which I did.
I'm not sure what to do. My gf says its how he is, that I must love all of him and noone is perfect. I know this, but it shouldnt be so hard to love him when he's drunk.
Over the course of 2 years we've only enjoyed each others company possibly twice while drunk, other times would end up in arguments, and tears. He cut down on drinking after our first few fights and only sometimes he would drink heavily; once a month if that. But he likes his beer, and would casually drink liquor by himself.
I would try to keep him from being too crazy, by telling him to relax or by distracting him but he would always have something negative to say either to me or to someone else and would have nothing of my suggestions.
He would verbally abuse me and playfully jab me in the stomach or punch my face and slap me. It would never hurt but I definitely would feel it. He once charged at me while I was sitting on stairs. I hit my head and he simply walked off. We almost broke up that night. Even in front of my family we would get into fights. One time he got so angry at me that he purposely would "accidentally" elbow me or step on my feet. The next day he says he doesnt remember what he said or did.
We've talked about how he treats me when he's drunk and he agreed, that nothing good comes about when he's drinking. He lost his license from DUI last year and he also said he has hurt many people in the past.. We have mutual friends who dont want to invite him out anymore because he acts so irrational and intolerable. He would argue with my friends and create a scene, kill my buzz and others as well. He told me one time that he wouldnt drink anymore but I said its fine to drink, just know your limit.
We agreed to help each other and to listen to each other when things would start to get out of control. That him and I will try to relax and have fun, that I wouldnt be so uptight and he wouldnt be so obnoxious. But no, things are still the same. I thought I was the problem at first but I would try different approaches to calm him down. By avoiding him, by asking if hes good, telling him im not mad but to chill out, relax. But I would be too late and he wont listen, he would think he is always right and would always try to make a statement though people around are just trying to have fun.
I feel responsible for him and I hate that I have to babysit him all the time. Im afraid that I'm seeing early signs of alcoholism in him. I found out recently that alcoholism runs in the family and that his uncle is an alcoholic.
We are deeply in love with each other, talked about having a family and growing old together. We recently came back from a 2 month backpacking trip and decided to celebrate our return. He got too drunk and started yelling profanity to the band playing and for them to get off the stage. I was confused because the singer was singing about love and respect. He also started arguing with another guy at the club. I asked him what his problem was and he got mad. He told me to leave, which I did.
I'm not sure what to do. My gf says its how he is, that I must love all of him and noone is perfect. I know this, but it shouldnt be so hard to love him when he's drunk.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 336
Welcome to SR - you're def in the right place.
His behaviour does sound very familiar I'm afraid to what an awful lot of us here have lived through.
Have you heard of Al-anon ? It is an organisation for the families and friends of alcoholics and has been a huge amount of support to me and many others here. I would urge you to find out about the closest meetings to you and try to get there.
I'm sure others will be along soon to offer you more support.
Keep posting and good to see you here.
His behaviour does sound very familiar I'm afraid to what an awful lot of us here have lived through.
Have you heard of Al-anon ? It is an organisation for the families and friends of alcoholics and has been a huge amount of support to me and many others here. I would urge you to find out about the closest meetings to you and try to get there.
I'm sure others will be along soon to offer you more support.
Keep posting and good to see you here.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Originally Posted by amlo 
He would verbally abuse me and playfully jab me in the stomach or punch my face and slap me. It would never hurt but I definitely would feel it. He once charged at me while I was sitting on stairs. I hit my head and he simply walked off. We almost broke up that night. Even in front of my family we would get into fights. One time he got so angry at me that he purposely would "accidentally" elbow me or step on my feet. The next day he says he doesnt remember what he said or did.
I'm not sure what to do. My gf says its how he is, that I must love all of him and noone is perfect. I know this, but it shouldnt be so hard to love him when he's drunk.
I'm not sure what to do. My gf says its how he is, that I must love all of him and noone is perfect. I know this, but it shouldnt be so hard to love him when he's drunk.
If you possibly can, get to an Alanon meeting. You'll learn a lot there about what's going on, and what you can and can't do about it. Meanwhile, keep yourself safe--don't let him hurt you. His claiming he "doesn't remember it" doesn't make it any less real!
There are many here with plenty of experience, strength and hope to share. Keep on coming here to read and post.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 18
Your girlfriend is deep into socially-acceptable co-dependency.
I am so sorry your boyfriend is so unkind to you. Because he is. No matter what excuse you can up with for why, he is still unkind.
It shouldn't be this hard. You sound like you are early in your life - you should be having fun, exploring the world, figuring out what works for you. This isn't it, is it?
I can't link yet, but I had a good read through the stickies at the top of the board yet and there were some that I think might help:
Property Lines
Letting Go of Those Not In Recovery
and some ones about potential.
In fact, read them all. There's some good stuff in there. Use the time that you would spend worrying about him to read them.
I feel ancient when I say - your life is too short to spend your time being dictated to by this man's problems. You have more to give to the world.
I am so sorry your boyfriend is so unkind to you. Because he is. No matter what excuse you can up with for why, he is still unkind.
It shouldn't be this hard. You sound like you are early in your life - you should be having fun, exploring the world, figuring out what works for you. This isn't it, is it?
I can't link yet, but I had a good read through the stickies at the top of the board yet and there were some that I think might help:
Property Lines
Letting Go of Those Not In Recovery
and some ones about potential.
In fact, read them all. There's some good stuff in there. Use the time that you would spend worrying about him to read them.
I feel ancient when I say - your life is too short to spend your time being dictated to by this man's problems. You have more to give to the world.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Well, he drinks when he says he wouldn't, he drinks even when really bad stuff happens to him and to other people around him when he's drinking. Under the circumstances, I'd say yes, he's an alcoholic.
Your telling him it's OK to drink, just don't overdo it, is like asking a dog to walk on two legs at all times. It isn't natural for him, and he can't do it for more than a brief period of time.
You can't change his drinking unless he is ready to quit. Maybe you should revisit that conversation where he said he wouldn't drink anymore. Not to say that that means he's ready to quit, but see what he says.
You are in for a long, rocky ride with this guy unless he decides to get sober and stay that way. I second the suggestion that you go to Al-Anon. You will learn more about alcoholism and how it affects you. In addition, the physical abuse (and that's what is going on, here) is likely to get worse, too. THAT has to stop IMMEDIATELY. I suggest you contact the domestic violence hotline and talk to a counselor there. If he is hurting you physically, that is a problem separate from the drinking. You need to protect your own physical safety at all costs, and he has to know that you are not willing to tolerate it.
Hugs, glad you are here.
Your telling him it's OK to drink, just don't overdo it, is like asking a dog to walk on two legs at all times. It isn't natural for him, and he can't do it for more than a brief period of time.
You can't change his drinking unless he is ready to quit. Maybe you should revisit that conversation where he said he wouldn't drink anymore. Not to say that that means he's ready to quit, but see what he says.
You are in for a long, rocky ride with this guy unless he decides to get sober and stay that way. I second the suggestion that you go to Al-Anon. You will learn more about alcoholism and how it affects you. In addition, the physical abuse (and that's what is going on, here) is likely to get worse, too. THAT has to stop IMMEDIATELY. I suggest you contact the domestic violence hotline and talk to a counselor there. If he is hurting you physically, that is a problem separate from the drinking. You need to protect your own physical safety at all costs, and he has to know that you are not willing to tolerate it.
Hugs, glad you are here.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 91
Welcome!
It sounds like you're having a really rough time. I understand that - much of what you're saying sounds very similar to what I and others on this board have gone through or are going through.
The physical and verbal abuse is most concerning to me. Forget him - make sure you're keeping yourself safe and out of those situations, if possible.
Babysitting someone sucks. It sucks a lot. It sounds like your boyfriend might not even be close to approaching recovery (unless I've misread the situation, which is entirely possible). That's something you want to evaluate. Do you want to continue to live like this? Is what he's giving you really worth all this other BS?
My advice would be to take some time for yourself and figure out what YOU really want, and what makes you happy. At this point, your situation sounds like more stress than it's worth. Then again, only you know what you're ready to do. In college, I was in a really bad relationship, and I used to have this annoying-as-hell therapist who kept telling me, "You know, when you've had enough, you'll be done." It's really crappy to keep hearing that from someone when you're not ready to leave, but when I was ready to leave, I was all, "HELL YES THERAPIST LADY. I GET IT NOW."
Good luck, and keep us updated. Take care.
It sounds like you're having a really rough time. I understand that - much of what you're saying sounds very similar to what I and others on this board have gone through or are going through.
The physical and verbal abuse is most concerning to me. Forget him - make sure you're keeping yourself safe and out of those situations, if possible.
Babysitting someone sucks. It sucks a lot. It sounds like your boyfriend might not even be close to approaching recovery (unless I've misread the situation, which is entirely possible). That's something you want to evaluate. Do you want to continue to live like this? Is what he's giving you really worth all this other BS?
My advice would be to take some time for yourself and figure out what YOU really want, and what makes you happy. At this point, your situation sounds like more stress than it's worth. Then again, only you know what you're ready to do. In college, I was in a really bad relationship, and I used to have this annoying-as-hell therapist who kept telling me, "You know, when you've had enough, you'll be done." It's really crappy to keep hearing that from someone when you're not ready to leave, but when I was ready to leave, I was all, "HELL YES THERAPIST LADY. I GET IT NOW."
Good luck, and keep us updated. Take care.
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