DreamsofSerenity

I haven't posted for a while because I've been in the midst of a significant codie relapse. My exabf resurfaced, and my addict brother hasn't left his room for ten days. Amongst all of this something disturbing has come to my attention about a friend's kid that I do not know how to handle at all. I really need to post three threads (one for axbf, one for addict brother and one for this situation) but I'll just start here as this is oddly bugging me the most. It is OT so I will try to make it as short as possible.

Background: My friend is a single professional with two kids. The father of the kids lives in another country and is totally out of the picture. My friend is a workaholic, total type A, and very stict disciplinarian. Our kids were all in school together. Her two kids spend a lot of time with me because she travels.

Her eldest, a middle school boy, has really been craving my attention lately and has wanted to chat with me, even more than play with the other kids. A lot of the talk has turned into him running sexual stuff by me, stuff like "so and so said he had a boner" (haha) , or "when we went on our field trip we found a Japanese porn magazine". I kind of just listen and then give advice where I think he needs it.

Friday he started talking about sluts and a rumor of one girl in the high school who is pregnant. I told him it wasn't nice to gossip about that kind of stuff and when girls are sluts they are usually in emotional pain so he should never make fun of them. Then he told me about a girl who had graduated from their middle school (whom we both know), how she had turned into a ****, and was giving "blow jobs" to all the freshman in HS. I asked him how he came by this information, and he told me the dean of the middle school (who is also a teacher) told him. He said the girl came back to visit the middle school and after she left, he asked the teacher in question how the girl was doing in HS. The teacher said the girl wasn't doing well and had turned into a "****" . My friend's kid asked what she meant by that, and the teacher told him about the blowjobs. Obviously, if true, this is grossly inappropriate. And IMO, kind of sick.

I told an aunt type figure who was a teacher. She thought the kid might be lying and I should ask him about it again. This time I brought it up in front of my own kid, also a middle schooler, thinking it might change the way the story came out since my kid had already heard the story through my friend's kid. My kid used to be in the same school until I moved him/her because I already thought this dean was totally inappropriate.( She wears short skirts and low cut blouses with her boobs hanging out.Plus she is way too familiar and friendly with the kids.) Anyway, my friend's kid told me the story again in the exact same way he did the first time without blinking an eye. My intuition tells me he is telling the truth. Also knowing this dean, it isn't really too farfetched of a story.

I am so bothered by this!! I feel like it borders on sexual abuse or something. My friend's kid is obviously very unsettled as well. He's totally confused by what is and what is not appropriate. I told him we needed to tell his mom about it, but he asked me not to. He said she would "freak out" and cause a lot of problems at school, which he is absolutely right about. In fact, freak out is an understatement. What do I do? I want to do the best for this kid. He has a rough upbringing with his mom and I do not want him to lose me as one of the only adults he can confide in. Am I making a bigger deal of it than it really is? I am very open with my kids about everything but this just seems crazy inappropriate to me. I need advice about what is the right thing to do for this child. I love him like he's my own. Sorry this was so long.

Tuffgirl

What would you do if it was your kid relaying this story?

DreamsofSerenity

I would go to the head of the school and report it.

LexieCat

Seems to me there are two separate things going on--your friend's child's puberty, and the totally inappropriate conduct of the teacher/dean.

There are some "secrets" or confidences that, as adults, we cannot keep, in good conscience. And since this involves your friend's child, your friend is going to have to be informed, I think.

Maybe you could explain to the child that when the well-being of kids is at stake, you are very sorry, but his mom HAS to be told. Maybe he would feel more comfortable with it if it is a discussion among the three of you. You could promise him that you will try to help her figure out the best way to report it so he is not embarrassed unnecessarily. It could be that a meeting with the principal, or with the Superintendent, will be sufficient to have the matter dealt with.

I'm sorry you're in the middle, here, but maybe you can be the calm voice of reason in terms of how best to approach it. Maybe remind your friend how easy it is to be singled out as the "troublemaker" at that age, and get her to go as low-key as possible (holding off on screaming, threats, etc.). If it needs to go further, an attorney who specializes in educational issues (yes, they are out there) could be brought in.

Some people should not be in a position to work with students. This one is a piece of work, and at minimum she needs serious re-training. The school is opening itself up to HUGE liability if they don't deal with this. Schools are scared of that, these days. My bet is that they will fall all over themselves to discipline her.

DreamsofSerenity

Thanks, Lexie.. That was totally helpful. I think deep down, I know I should tell his mom but am trying to find a way out of it because her wrath is frightening no matter where it is directed. I feel sorry for this kid because he always feels like he is in trouble, and this will be just more of the same. His mom is so hard on him for everything, that he doesn't realize he hasn't done anything wrong in this case. Plus, she doesn't listen to me about anything. He was in trouble at school last week for discussing "boobs". I told her to take it easy on him because it was stupid, and the school's fault anyway for being so casual in its approach and allowing cell phone during learning period (when he was talking about boobs). She completely unloaded on him anyway. In light of what was just revealed to me, it is even more absurd he got in trouble for talking about boobs..

Anyway, I'm greatful there are so many wise people on SR who craft these amazing responses in mere minutes. SR is better than any therapist I have ever been to, hands down.

LexieCat

Well, for what it's worth, maybe you can try to reassure him that this particular incident is NOT his fault. He didn't do anything wrong. And maybe you could also suggest to him that maybe a male counselor at school could be a good person to talk about the sex stuff that's on his mind. It's completely normal for boys at that age to have raging hormones, but it needs to be directed into healthy channels, and if he wants to stay out of trouble, he needs to keep the discussions about sex out of the school setting, unless he is talking with a counselor or someone. (I hope someone talks with him about the dangers of sexting, too--I could see him getting right in the middle of hot water with that sort of thing.)

Tuffgirl

Maybe this is your answer, then.

It sounds complicated, but the way I see it, this is about confrontations, which NO ONE likes much. However, as a fellow parent and a main influence in this young man's life, reporting it seems like the right thing to do. It also validates what you have told him already about it being wrong.

DreamsofSerenity

Thanks Lexie and Tuffgirl,

I am going to address it with the mom. I just have to figure out how and make sure she isn't hormonal. And I think I will wait until school is out in 2 weeks because then the boy won't have to be around any of the fallout at school.

It is true that I really don't like confrontations like these, or making anyone upset. I know that I am somehow going to feel like it's all my fault.

Lexie, the boy has already been in trouble for having sexual stuff sent to him on instagram--his mom took his phone away. So you called that one!

LexieCat

Great idea waiting the two weeks till school is out. That thought didn't even cross my mind, but WAYYY better than having an issue come up when he has to go to that school every day. Considering what an idiot this dean is, I could see her blabbing it all over the school--to other students. Eeek.

DreamsofSerenity

Yeah, that sounds about right. She'd cause some scene amongst her friends, the kids. What an absolute ditz. I know she isn't a malicious person but her judgement is seriously warped. Plus, I think she's on some weird sexual trip where she likes sexed-up adolescent boys surrounding her. It's just weird.

laurie6781

Sounds like a good plan. May I suggest that when you speak with your friend, how about starting out posing it as a hypothetical question to her, ie "What would you do if?" Sort of question.

Then based on her answer you will have an idea how to go from there, and you could maybe suggest that she might like to change her son's school to the one that your son is going to, stressing all the positives of his school and how well your son is doing there, etc She just might be agreeable to such a plan.

By posing the hypothetical to her and seeing her response, she will have 'expelled' some of her initial reaction and just may be a little more open and calmer ? when finding out it is her son that this principal said these things to.

I also agree that the Superintendent of Schools hs to be informed as well as the School Board.

Thank you so much for being a calming influence in this young man's life!!!

Love and hugs,

wicked

Adolescent boys who will be drooling over every piece of skin they see.
If she isn't doing it on purpose then she is just a moron.
How did she get to be dean of a middle school?
It boggles the mind.

From what you said she has jumped way over the line with more than one boy.
I hope she has not been physically molesting as well.
Well, if so, you will know soon enough.
when the levee breaks, the flood of students who have been
"uncomfortable" around ole Miss over- friendly- booby- shortskirt will be coming out of the wood work.

Ack! I feel for you dreams, what a shocker for you and your son.
And oh my god, if she has been saying those terrible things about a school aged girl.....
Well, I just......I am gobsmacked. And so angry.

Thank goodness there is only two weeks left of school.

Beth

thanks for watching out for this other kid, there are some who would do nothing.
I appreciate you for that.

DreamsofSerenity

Laurie, That is a great idea about posing it as a hypothetical question first, especially because my friend is so highly charged and prone to "freaking out".

Wicked, I don't get the feeling my friend's son has been molested in any way. He still has a lightness of spirit, and I would think a molested child would have very sad and heavy energy. But luckily I don't have any experiece with that so I really don't know. My gut tells me she is motivated by the adoration of the young boys but that it's not physical. That said, I wouldn't want her around them on any overnight field trips.

Thanks for the feedback, all. It helped me a lot to get my head straight. Sometimes I get so overwhelmed by everything that I begin to doubt my own thinking, and I think being a codie makes it a lot worse. I'm still in that gray zone where I'm not fully confident about what my responsibility is, and what I should get involved in. I also tend to blow things out of proportion when I'm under stress.