I now know I have a problem
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Apex, NC
Posts: 13
I now know I have a problem
Hello all. I'm 40 years old, married for 15 years with 3 kids. I think I have a drinking problem. I'm not sure how to define it but it's there. Let me explain
I generally go days between drinking. My work hours are unorthodox (4am-2pm) so drinking Sun-Thurs is rare. But, I become a weekend warrior Fri and Sat nights. Over the last few months, my weekend binge drinking has gotten pretty bad. I usually drink until I blackout and I'm not too happy after I learn what I did. This morning, my wife told me something that has convinced me that this needs to stop, now.
Sometime last night, I excused myself from our friends on our deck and went to bed. When my wife came to bed later, it seems we started arguing. I said and did things sicken me. To say the least, I'm scared. I'm scared of what else I might do. My wife and kids are the world to me. I would do anything to keep them happy and safe. Now, it looks like I have to make some changes to keep them safe from me.
So, what now? AA? A therapist? Some announcement? Do I stop drinking all together or work more moderation? Any advice would be much appreciated.
I generally go days between drinking. My work hours are unorthodox (4am-2pm) so drinking Sun-Thurs is rare. But, I become a weekend warrior Fri and Sat nights. Over the last few months, my weekend binge drinking has gotten pretty bad. I usually drink until I blackout and I'm not too happy after I learn what I did. This morning, my wife told me something that has convinced me that this needs to stop, now.
Sometime last night, I excused myself from our friends on our deck and went to bed. When my wife came to bed later, it seems we started arguing. I said and did things sicken me. To say the least, I'm scared. I'm scared of what else I might do. My wife and kids are the world to me. I would do anything to keep them happy and safe. Now, it looks like I have to make some changes to keep them safe from me.
So, what now? AA? A therapist? Some announcement? Do I stop drinking all together or work more moderation? Any advice would be much appreciated.
Recovering ostrich
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Tampa Bay, Florida
Posts: 2,551
Hi solesman, I stopped drinking because I freaked out in my partner and never had before. Best thing I have ever done. For me AA has helped, I am quiet but I love to listen to people and I like being in a room full of people that understand me.
I don't think there is any need to make a grand announcement but That keeps you accountable, by all means go for it.
Welcome!
I don't think there is any need to make a grand announcement but That keeps you accountable, by all means go for it.
Welcome!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Texas
Posts: 212
Welcome Solesman!
You already took the first step, you're here.
Everybody has their own way to battle this. I stopped by myself and this forum has been my support since day 1.
You can stop and sounds like you're wife will be more than happy to support you
Take it day by day. You can do this!
You already took the first step, you're here.
Everybody has their own way to battle this. I stopped by myself and this forum has been my support since day 1.
You can stop and sounds like you're wife will be more than happy to support you
Take it day by day. You can do this!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 3,777
Hello. It is not easy to face the fact that we have a problem. Facing it is scary, and overwhelming. You have made a big step here, and I would like to commend you for that.
You can do all of the methods above, or you can be choosy with a few. I use this forum as a means to stay sober. I have been in AA, a therapist, and also announced my problem to my loved ones. I had to stop drinking completely. I am an alcoholic, and there is no level of moderation for me. What do you think is appropriate for you?
You can do all of the methods above, or you can be choosy with a few. I use this forum as a means to stay sober. I have been in AA, a therapist, and also announced my problem to my loved ones. I had to stop drinking completely. I am an alcoholic, and there is no level of moderation for me. What do you think is appropriate for you?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: London
Posts: 1,010
Hi Solesman & welcome to SR. You've found a great place for support!
I personally think moderation does not work. I tried it for 18 months before I finally gave up altogether. It usually ended up in a worse than ever binge. It also involved a lot of counting, justifying, planning and general brain ache. I'm so much freer now and I realise that none is far easier than 'just one'.
If you are genuinely scared about what you said & did, I would cut out the moderation middle man and quit if I were you. I just want to save you months/years of more heartache.
AA works for me, along with daily check-ins here and a healthy dose of 'keeping life simple'
I wish you well, you obviously think the world of your family and this is the best gift you could ever give them.
S x
I personally think moderation does not work. I tried it for 18 months before I finally gave up altogether. It usually ended up in a worse than ever binge. It also involved a lot of counting, justifying, planning and general brain ache. I'm so much freer now and I realise that none is far easier than 'just one'.
If you are genuinely scared about what you said & did, I would cut out the moderation middle man and quit if I were you. I just want to save you months/years of more heartache.
AA works for me, along with daily check-ins here and a healthy dose of 'keeping life simple'
I wish you well, you obviously think the world of your family and this is the best gift you could ever give them.
S x
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: northern virginia
Posts: 535
hi solesman... i'm brand new here, too. i don't know squat about anything except that i'm an alcoholic, and i either need to find a way to fix it or my addiction will fix me into a hole six feet under.
i'm scared and confused and i have no answers... but i do know i'm glad you found this place. for me, it is a safe place to start working my stuff out where nobody judges and all offer support and encouragement.
only you can define what you need to do, but i wish you peace and welcome.
i'm scared and confused and i have no answers... but i do know i'm glad you found this place. for me, it is a safe place to start working my stuff out where nobody judges and all offer support and encouragement.
only you can define what you need to do, but i wish you peace and welcome.
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 212
Been there...AA has changed my life...well the week and 1 day I have been sober. Try it out, come here. This is a great place. There is absolutely no moderation for me. I drink to get drunk. I have no idea if that will result in a black out, fight, who knows what. Done taking that chance. Best wishes, and know that you van do this if you want to.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: The Emerald City
Posts: 434
Welcome solesman! Glad you're here. SR is a fantastic support system. It's helped me immensely on my road to sobriety. I went clean and sober at the end of January, and it's seriously the best thing I've ever done. I hear that AA can be really helpful but I've personally never tried it. I've been doing this on my own along with checking in with SR several times a day to help keep me stay motivated and centered. My two cents of advice is that moderation doesn't work very well. I personally found that cutting it out completely is much easier to do than moderate. The good news is that it gets easier as time passes, and eventually the thoughts of alcohol start to dissipate.
You've started the dialogue, and that's awesome! We're rooting for you!
You've started the dialogue, and that's awesome! We're rooting for you!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: My city of ruins...
Posts: 593
Congrats on taking the first step - being honest with yourself.
I tried, and failed, many times to moderate but I came to the conclusion that I don't drink because I love the taste or I have social anxiety (far from it) or just want to have some loosened up fun. I drink to get drunk. Period. A few drinks to me is frustrating and I hate the feeling of wanting more and fighting with myself not to drink more.
I've had episodes of success, and can control myself in business situations, gatherings, etc. but the mental battle of wanting more is just awful.
I realized that unless it's all out and I can drink without consequences (which is a pipe dream) then no drinks at all is the way it had to be. So after a year if farting around with "experiments" like only beer, only on Saturdays, only out with friends, no booze before 10am I finally gave up.
That was 9 months ago. The gifts of sobriety are plentiful but I'm still learning how to live and love sober. This is the hard part. But I'm doing it. And so can you.
Welcome and we are happy you've joined us.
I tried, and failed, many times to moderate but I came to the conclusion that I don't drink because I love the taste or I have social anxiety (far from it) or just want to have some loosened up fun. I drink to get drunk. Period. A few drinks to me is frustrating and I hate the feeling of wanting more and fighting with myself not to drink more.
I've had episodes of success, and can control myself in business situations, gatherings, etc. but the mental battle of wanting more is just awful.
I realized that unless it's all out and I can drink without consequences (which is a pipe dream) then no drinks at all is the way it had to be. So after a year if farting around with "experiments" like only beer, only on Saturdays, only out with friends, no booze before 10am I finally gave up.
That was 9 months ago. The gifts of sobriety are plentiful but I'm still learning how to live and love sober. This is the hard part. But I'm doing it. And so can you.
Welcome and we are happy you've joined us.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Apex, NC
Posts: 13
Thanks for the welcome and advice, guys. My wife and I talked a bit earlier this afternoon. To sum it up, I promised her she would never be put into a position like last night again and that I vow to do whatever it takes to ensure that.
Yeah, I agree with those of you that are warning against moderation. In truth, it is what I've been trying to do for few months now. Come to think of it, I think I've tried them all too; no shots, beer only, Saturday night only, glass of water between drinks, no liquor before 5pm, and my personal favorite, no brown liquor. None of them seemed to work for than once.
I guess the next weekend will tell the tale. We'll see how it goes.
Yeah, I agree with those of you that are warning against moderation. In truth, it is what I've been trying to do for few months now. Come to think of it, I think I've tried them all too; no shots, beer only, Saturday night only, glass of water between drinks, no liquor before 5pm, and my personal favorite, no brown liquor. None of them seemed to work for than once.
I guess the next weekend will tell the tale. We'll see how it goes.
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: US East Coast
Posts: 1,972
Welcome Salesman!
I decided to give up on moderation. Very glad that I did. It has been fairly easy for me so far, so the biggest danger from my perspective is coming to the conclusion that I really don't have a drinking problem. That is where SR comes in. Postings are a daily reminder of the perils of that line of thinking.
I decided to give up on moderation. Very glad that I did. It has been fairly easy for me so far, so the biggest danger from my perspective is coming to the conclusion that I really don't have a drinking problem. That is where SR comes in. Postings are a daily reminder of the perils of that line of thinking.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,432
Hi Solesman - Welcome
A lot of folks think blacking out is passing out.
It's not, not for people like us.
Blacking out is us being perfectly conscious, doing stuff, stuff thats antithetical to who we think we are...and not remembering it.
once I blacked out once that was it - I blacked out a lot.
be smarter than me and make this a once off.
The best, most sure fire, to do that is stop drinking.
D
A lot of folks think blacking out is passing out.
It's not, not for people like us.
Blacking out is us being perfectly conscious, doing stuff, stuff thats antithetical to who we think we are...and not remembering it.
once I blacked out once that was it - I blacked out a lot.
be smarter than me and make this a once off.
The best, most sure fire, to do that is stop drinking.
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Apex, NC
Posts: 13
Just wanted to give everyone an update on Day 2.
Sitting in my garage this evening, a good friend and neighbor stopped by. She was at our house Saturday night. She asked how I felt yesterday and why I wasn't having a cocktail tonight. I almost froze. I just kind of blew it off by saying "I'm good."
Afterwards, I told my wife that my drinking days are over. She was almost speechless. I told her that some days will be harder than others but my love for her and our kids trumps all. If the only guarantee of preventing my blackouts is to quit all together, then so be it.
Again, thanks for welcome and replies here. It's helps knowing there are others like me.
Sitting in my garage this evening, a good friend and neighbor stopped by. She was at our house Saturday night. She asked how I felt yesterday and why I wasn't having a cocktail tonight. I almost froze. I just kind of blew it off by saying "I'm good."
Afterwards, I told my wife that my drinking days are over. She was almost speechless. I told her that some days will be harder than others but my love for her and our kids trumps all. If the only guarantee of preventing my blackouts is to quit all together, then so be it.
Again, thanks for welcome and replies here. It's helps knowing there are others like me.
Clear Eyes Full Heart
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,272
Welcome Solesman-glad you found SR! Nothing feels worse than having someone you love tell you something you said that you NEVER would have said sober. It's a very sobering and sad experience that I'm sure most of us have been through. It can be a good wake up call that drinking is controlling you.
Moderation didn't work for me either, I played that game for a long time. You might find it's actually easier to stop completely. I found it a relief when I realized I did have the ability to stop. I just didn't have the ability to moderate.
Moderation didn't work for me either, I played that game for a long time. You might find it's actually easier to stop completely. I found it a relief when I realized I did have the ability to stop. I just didn't have the ability to moderate.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Colorado USA
Posts: 35
I think if multiple attempts at moderation have already failed, the chances of ever being able to drink reliably are probably very low, and it is best to just get on with the business of enjoying life without alcohol. It took me years to figure this out (i.e. to understand the futility of repeated attempts to cut down), but I finally got there. Staying sober isn't always easy, but the benefits in terms of reduced misery in one's life are enormous.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Australia
Posts: 342
I am just like you Soles.
I thought most people who drink regular do it to at least partial blackout, why else would you drink.
Nearly a year on and the single biggest achievement for my family unit economically, emotionally, spiritually and on and on..... has been to kick the booze, without doubt.
You can do it.
I thought most people who drink regular do it to at least partial blackout, why else would you drink.
Nearly a year on and the single biggest achievement for my family unit economically, emotionally, spiritually and on and on..... has been to kick the booze, without doubt.
You can do it.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
