Dealing with Relapse
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Saint Louis, MO
Posts: 14
Dealing with Relapse
My alcoholic boyfriend of about two years was three days shy of 6 months sober and he relapsed. I woke up at 2am and realized he was not yet home...I knew right then what he was drinking. I had actually been preparing myself for this over the past several weeks as he stopped going to AA but was not (to my knowledge) drinking.
He spend two years unemployed and struggled to find a job b/c he does not have a drivers license due to previous DUI's. He finally landed a job as manager at a restaurant about a week ago. I knew the food/beverage industry would be bad news for him but still tried to maintain positive thinking and hopefulness realizing that it was not in my power.
So, I don't know what to do at this point. Obviously, distance. He needs it and I do.
I think there are two ways this could play out:
1. He keeps drinking and I will leave. We have very clear boundaries as far as drinking is concerned and he knows I won't stand for him drinking.
2. He gets back into recovery....and I don't know what to do if this happens.
I don't know how to 'protect' myself from this roller coaster anymore. I thought I was...I have definitely made progress...but, frankly, I don't know that I want to live the rest of my life with the threat of relapse hanging over my head (that is how it felt for the past three or so weeks before he actually drank). But, I also love him dearly and do want to be with him if he is making the right decisions.
The right decisions...which he really has not been making for the past three-four weeks but I didn't want to 'judge' his recovery though I told him I was worried about his lack of involvement with it.
I thought I would be angry, even furious, if he relapsed. I am not really that mad, though I will admit I am a bit. I am mostly sad. Sad for him first and foremost. I think watching someone do that to themselves is a horrible,terrible, and painful thing. It makes me realize the true power of the disease-he has so much to lose but drinks regardless. I know it is painful for him though at the moment he obviously is not feeling that pain. But, I know in the morning it will be a very hard thing for him to deal with and I empathize with that.
He is my best friend and my love and I wish to support him but need to do that in a way that still allows me to maintain a healthy emotional state.
Gosh, this disease just really beats me up sometimes.
And...there are kids involved.
I dread seeing the disappointment in the kids eyes. The two older ones have been thriving through dad's sobriety and enjoying the relationship he has been able to have with them because of it. They were just starting to trust him again.
I have a strong discomfort of uncertainty. I don't like this evening because after it was confirmed that he did in fact drink I am sort of left with this 'what now' feeling. My world has been rocked and is not entirely stable right now and I hate that feeling.
It sure helps to just write it all out. Thanks for reading. Would love feedback.
He spend two years unemployed and struggled to find a job b/c he does not have a drivers license due to previous DUI's. He finally landed a job as manager at a restaurant about a week ago. I knew the food/beverage industry would be bad news for him but still tried to maintain positive thinking and hopefulness realizing that it was not in my power.
So, I don't know what to do at this point. Obviously, distance. He needs it and I do.
I think there are two ways this could play out:
1. He keeps drinking and I will leave. We have very clear boundaries as far as drinking is concerned and he knows I won't stand for him drinking.
2. He gets back into recovery....and I don't know what to do if this happens.
I don't know how to 'protect' myself from this roller coaster anymore. I thought I was...I have definitely made progress...but, frankly, I don't know that I want to live the rest of my life with the threat of relapse hanging over my head (that is how it felt for the past three or so weeks before he actually drank). But, I also love him dearly and do want to be with him if he is making the right decisions.
The right decisions...which he really has not been making for the past three-four weeks but I didn't want to 'judge' his recovery though I told him I was worried about his lack of involvement with it.
I thought I would be angry, even furious, if he relapsed. I am not really that mad, though I will admit I am a bit. I am mostly sad. Sad for him first and foremost. I think watching someone do that to themselves is a horrible,terrible, and painful thing. It makes me realize the true power of the disease-he has so much to lose but drinks regardless. I know it is painful for him though at the moment he obviously is not feeling that pain. But, I know in the morning it will be a very hard thing for him to deal with and I empathize with that.
He is my best friend and my love and I wish to support him but need to do that in a way that still allows me to maintain a healthy emotional state.
Gosh, this disease just really beats me up sometimes.
And...there are kids involved.
I dread seeing the disappointment in the kids eyes. The two older ones have been thriving through dad's sobriety and enjoying the relationship he has been able to have with them because of it. They were just starting to trust him again.
I have a strong discomfort of uncertainty. I don't like this evening because after it was confirmed that he did in fact drink I am sort of left with this 'what now' feeling. My world has been rocked and is not entirely stable right now and I hate that feeling.
It sure helps to just write it all out. Thanks for reading. Would love feedback.
box of chocolates
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,013
Wow I totally know the feeling you describe. The what now and that bottom of your stomach unsureity .
It is a scary uneasy feeling and a pity yes because he was on 6 months sober and regaining the trust he had broken but lets take a deep breath ..just breath and let the feeling go or try to.
Now....its day one of confirmed relapse what do you do?
Well stick to your guns. I know its been a good 6 months but dont forget those 3 c's girl and keep to your boundaries, your higher power and all the work you have done for you.
Sometimes relapse is just a branch in a long road and thats all it was...sometimes its a needed lesson for the alcoholic that they cannot drink at all and others its back to that downward rollercoaster.
If you need too hop on over to an alanon meeting, have a conversation with your a, prepare the kids when its time and remember its only tge first day of HIS problem.
Your only concern is for you.
Hope this helped somewhat but its a territory that we cant predict the outcome too.
It is a scary uneasy feeling and a pity yes because he was on 6 months sober and regaining the trust he had broken but lets take a deep breath ..just breath and let the feeling go or try to.
Now....its day one of confirmed relapse what do you do?
Well stick to your guns. I know its been a good 6 months but dont forget those 3 c's girl and keep to your boundaries, your higher power and all the work you have done for you.
Sometimes relapse is just a branch in a long road and thats all it was...sometimes its a needed lesson for the alcoholic that they cannot drink at all and others its back to that downward rollercoaster.
If you need too hop on over to an alanon meeting, have a conversation with your a, prepare the kids when its time and remember its only tge first day of HIS problem.
Your only concern is for you.
Hope this helped somewhat but its a territory that we cant predict the outcome too.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Saint Louis, MO
Posts: 14
Yes I am definitely going to get to an Al Anon meeting this morning.
I am definitely in a better emotional state for this to happen then I have been in the past but the one thing I am lacking is friends (both within and outside of the program).
I have actually given a lot of time and energy to developing friendships and meeting new friends and I don't have much to show for it.
Certainly I am thankful to have this resource but still I feel so alone.
Regardless, I reached out to a couple other AlAnon/AA members who I have met with before for coffee and will see if they get back to me.
I am definitely in a better emotional state for this to happen then I have been in the past but the one thing I am lacking is friends (both within and outside of the program).
I have actually given a lot of time and energy to developing friendships and meeting new friends and I don't have much to show for it.
Certainly I am thankful to have this resource but still I feel so alone.
Regardless, I reached out to a couple other AlAnon/AA members who I have met with before for coffee and will see if they get back to me.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I'm assuming the kids are his, not yours, is that correct? Where is their mom in this picture?
Yes, definitely get back to Al-Anon. The reality of living with an alcoholic is that relapse CAN happen--even after years and years of sobriety. Of course, other things can happen in a relationship, too--the serious illness (other kind) of a partner, death, infidelity, other stresses and problems.
You don't have to make an immediate decision (unless, of course, things become completely intolerable). Some people in early recovery have a relapse and recover from it, digging more deeply into the program so it doesn't happen again. For others, the first drink is the beginning of a slide back into continuous drinking, often worse than before. You don't know yet what his reaction will be.
So you can probably, for now, work harder on getting yourself strong and healthy, and take a wait-and-see approach.
Yes, definitely get back to Al-Anon. The reality of living with an alcoholic is that relapse CAN happen--even after years and years of sobriety. Of course, other things can happen in a relationship, too--the serious illness (other kind) of a partner, death, infidelity, other stresses and problems.
You don't have to make an immediate decision (unless, of course, things become completely intolerable). Some people in early recovery have a relapse and recover from it, digging more deeply into the program so it doesn't happen again. For others, the first drink is the beginning of a slide back into continuous drinking, often worse than before. You don't know yet what his reaction will be.
So you can probably, for now, work harder on getting yourself strong and healthy, and take a wait-and-see approach.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I believe the key to the “roller coaster” lies with actually sticking to your “clear boundaries”. Acting on the consequences you have set forth in order to protect yourself.
Cause the dance goes like this…..you set boundaries, he challenges those boundaries by drinking, you pull away because that is what boundary you set. He stops drinking, goes to a few meetings, claims he’s back in sobriety – you believe him and go back things are good...he relapse, you pull away, he makes promises, you come back, he relapses…..and on and on it goes.
If there was anything I would tell someone who is facing a first time relapse is stick to your boundaries. And if that boundary is that you go away then go away and stay away until you have witnessed his sobriety for a long while other wise he begins to learn that your “clear boundaries” will always make room for his relapses. You can always support a loved one from a healthy distance otherwise you enter into negations and end up becoming a resentful emotional hostage.
Cause the dance goes like this…..you set boundaries, he challenges those boundaries by drinking, you pull away because that is what boundary you set. He stops drinking, goes to a few meetings, claims he’s back in sobriety – you believe him and go back things are good...he relapse, you pull away, he makes promises, you come back, he relapses…..and on and on it goes.
If there was anything I would tell someone who is facing a first time relapse is stick to your boundaries. And if that boundary is that you go away then go away and stay away until you have witnessed his sobriety for a long while other wise he begins to learn that your “clear boundaries” will always make room for his relapses. You can always support a loved one from a healthy distance otherwise you enter into negations and end up becoming a resentful emotional hostage.
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 1,292
I've not been with an alcoholic in close to 3 yrs so hard for me to say. But when my ex got sober, he switched seats on the titanic and stopped drinking and picked up "dating woman in AA" as his new addiction.
I thought many times he would stop (never really caught him cheating, but talking to many other women), but when I caught him actually cheating, I left and never looked back.
The roller coaster came close to killing me and I knew he would never get well.
It's so hard and I feel for you, but once you get well, you step off the ride. Keep the focus on working on your healing.
I thought many times he would stop (never really caught him cheating, but talking to many other women), but when I caught him actually cheating, I left and never looked back.
The roller coaster came close to killing me and I knew he would never get well.
It's so hard and I feel for you, but once you get well, you step off the ride. Keep the focus on working on your healing.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Saint Louis, MO
Posts: 14
The kids mom is in the picture and she is great. We are good friends and she has proven very supportive today.
I went to his home in the AM and offered him a ride to a meeting, he refused so I headed to my al anon which was SUPER beneficial. I then had lunch with an AA friend.
He sent me a text saying that he is sorry he disappointed me and wants a week "off" to "think things through". He also mentioned that he will still be working at his current job.
I don't know anything else and I am going to have to come to terms with it however difficult.
I am just very very sad today. I miss him a lot. Seeing him intoxicated last night after so long really made me just weep for the good times we had together because it reminds me of how great and happy and healthy he is when he is working the program.
Not sure yet if this will be an ongoing relapse. I agreed to give him his 'week' so long as he calls to have a discussion tomorrow...there is still reality to deal with and we need to talk about what we are doing with the kids etc etc.
This is a hard disease and a hard time. I am really hurting
I went to his home in the AM and offered him a ride to a meeting, he refused so I headed to my al anon which was SUPER beneficial. I then had lunch with an AA friend.
He sent me a text saying that he is sorry he disappointed me and wants a week "off" to "think things through". He also mentioned that he will still be working at his current job.
I don't know anything else and I am going to have to come to terms with it however difficult.
I am just very very sad today. I miss him a lot. Seeing him intoxicated last night after so long really made me just weep for the good times we had together because it reminds me of how great and happy and healthy he is when he is working the program.
Not sure yet if this will be an ongoing relapse. I agreed to give him his 'week' so long as he calls to have a discussion tomorrow...there is still reality to deal with and we need to talk about what we are doing with the kids etc etc.
This is a hard disease and a hard time. I am really hurting
box of chocolates
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,013
Originally Posted by millieh 
The kids mom is in the picture and she is great. We are good friends and she has proven very supportive today.
I went to his home in the AM and offered him a ride to a meeting, he refused so I headed to my al anon which was SUPER beneficial. I then had lunch with an AA friend.
He sent me a text saying that he is sorry he disappointed me and wants a week "off" to "think things through". He also mentioned that he will still be working at his current job.
I don't know anything else and I am going to have to come to terms with it however difficult.
I am just very very sad today. I miss him a lot. Seeing him intoxicated last night after so long really made me just weep for the good times we had together because it reminds me of how great and happy and healthy he is when he is working the program.
Not sure yet if this will be an ongoing relapse. I agreed to give him his 'week' so long as he calls to have a discussion tomorrow...there is still reality to deal with and we need to talk about what we are doing with the kids etc etc.
This is a hard disease and a hard time. I am really hurting
I went to his home in the AM and offered him a ride to a meeting, he refused so I headed to my al anon which was SUPER beneficial. I then had lunch with an AA friend.
He sent me a text saying that he is sorry he disappointed me and wants a week "off" to "think things through". He also mentioned that he will still be working at his current job.
I don't know anything else and I am going to have to come to terms with it however difficult.
I am just very very sad today. I miss him a lot. Seeing him intoxicated last night after so long really made me just weep for the good times we had together because it reminds me of how great and happy and healthy he is when he is working the program.
Not sure yet if this will be an ongoing relapse. I agreed to give him his 'week' so long as he calls to have a discussion tomorrow...there is still reality to deal with and we need to talk about what we are doing with the kids etc etc.
This is a hard disease and a hard time. I am really hurting
This week "off" is interesting. Is it because he thinks he can drink normally and wants to see? Or because he wants in his head a week of drinking and less to no guilt from aa?
Hmmm...but thats my non alcoholic mind rationalizing the whole thing.
Whatever the reason give him his week let him figure it himself and in the meantime keep up the good work. Going to alanon and being clear with boundaries is most important.
If the week turns into something more be swift with your boundaries. Dont let him wiggle in. Its always helpful to write your boundaries down so they are clear to you first and then to him second.
Good luck
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Saint Louis, MO
Posts: 14
I don't know what the week 'off' is for. I think he just has so much guilt, shame, etc that he doesn't want to face it right away. I don't know if he is still drinking or what is happening.
I have actually decided to go take a vacation with a friend during this time...actually it will extend his 'week off' by a few days hah.
I am feeling excited about the trip but also guilty (though logically I know I shouldnt feel this, no reason!). It will be nice to gain some physical distance from the situation but also could be challenging for me as it is kinda scary to not be around in case something happens.
Whatever this week brings I am going to keep my wits about me and remember my priorities.
I worry about him and am sad for him but at some point I will need to put this worry to the side and enjoy myself...have not seen this close friend in two years and I want to be 'present'!
I have actually decided to go take a vacation with a friend during this time...actually it will extend his 'week off' by a few days hah.
I am feeling excited about the trip but also guilty (though logically I know I shouldnt feel this, no reason!). It will be nice to gain some physical distance from the situation but also could be challenging for me as it is kinda scary to not be around in case something happens.
Whatever this week brings I am going to keep my wits about me and remember my priorities.
I worry about him and am sad for him but at some point I will need to put this worry to the side and enjoy myself...have not seen this close friend in two years and I want to be 'present'!
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
The trip sounds PERFECT. Great way to take care of YOUR needs!
Sometimes getting that time away, with our minds on something other than the crisis du jour, can be SO refreshing that it gives us a whole new outlook on life and what we want out of it. Have a terrific time!!
Sometimes getting that time away, with our minds on something other than the crisis du jour, can be SO refreshing that it gives us a whole new outlook on life and what we want out of it. Have a terrific time!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Saint Louis, MO
Posts: 14
I hope I am able to have a great time. I think once I get there I will be able to let go a bit. My friend is also super supportive and is aware of the situation, though does not yet know about the relapse.
It will be good. Taking lots of literature to read on the beach!
It will be good. Taking lots of literature to read on the beach!
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