bexxed

So the jazz place I went to tonight wasn't a bar, but definitely on Saturday nights there is mostly alcohol happening. They didn't have decaf, which is why I am writing now... caffeine at 9 PM means Bexxed will be up at 1 AM. I observed some things.

First, I can SMELL alcohol. I could smell it on everyone's breath and smell the beer when the waitress walked by. I am not kidding and that is not psychosomatic.

Second, I'm a nicer person sober. I am not socially awkward. Actually, I'm smart, funny, and pleasant. Lately I've been really on edge when I'm drinking... edgy is the word I think. I get argumentative and instead of being funny and goofy I'll be snide. I also tend to talk about serious things. Tonight I was totally different. I felt different. I felt good.

I'm reading "Drinking: A Love Story". Am halfway through it right now. I took her test and passed the first two sections... with all of the answers but one being "yes". I did not have a "Yes" answer in the third part. So according to that test I'm in the mid stages of alcoholism. And I still think, "no, you're not. You're not an alcoholic. Fine, don't drink. But you're not an alcoholic".

Both of my parents are alcoholics. I entered recovery for cocaine addiction 9 1/2 years ago. I suffered from bulimia/anorexia in my teens and 20s. I do not relate with alcohol the way I do with, say, iced tea. I have an unhealthy awareness of it and plan around it's consumption. I drink alone way, way, way more often than in company. I actually don't like drinking in company because I have to keep it together- probably why I've become kind of a jerk socially. So how can I not have a problem? The thoughts we get are crazy. I'm so committed to seeing this through.

I got something tonight. I'm different. I'm not the same as some average person having an average beer. I don't think about it the same and that makes it not the same. I can't drink. That's that. I can't drink.

LuxAeterna

Hi Bexxed,

I also do not say that I am an alcoholic. For me it is such a loaded word, and a lot of that is because of the way my parents talked about my grandfather who had a drinking problem. For me that word is loaded with judgment and shame.

Having said that, just the other week I was able to tell a friend that I drank everyday by myself, that I have done so for years, and that I have tried to stop and haven't been able to.

Maybe one day it will be easier to sum all of that up with one word, but for now that isn't possible

least

I was a much happier person when I finally realized I couldn't drink like normal people. I kept trying to moderate and failing. I finally had enough and gave it up and now I'm much happier.

laurie6781

(((((bexxed)))))

You might also want to check out our forum here for Adult Children of Addicts/Alcoholics:

Adult Children of Addicted/Alcoholic Parents - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

That forum can also help you in your search for abstinence.

Hang in there, each day you don't drink, it will get better.

Love and hugs,

bexxed

Thanks. It's not so much that the word is loaded anymore, although with my background and this culture in general it certainly is a loaded word. It's the junkie voice in my head, telling me that I can handle it, that I can drink and it will be fine, that my memory is bad and I'm overreacting. It says, "you're being dramatic. You are not an alcoholic." I say BS to that, but it's certainly a struggle. This is interesting timing though, because I think I can win the struggle right now. I just had to deal with the same stuff when I quit smoking two months ago.

I do struggle with all of the issues addressed by ACoA and Al-Anon. Actually alcoholic drinking and other addictive behavior has gotten wrapped up in all of it. I went to Al-Anon in the past and found a lot of help there. I bet a huge number of us would- it runs in families.

The last time I thought I'd quit drinking I lasted 3 weeks. I went off really thinking I could have just one glass of wine. Why? See the paragraph above (don't exagerrate/be so dramatic. you're not an alcoholic like your parents. The second it hit my lips the conversation in my head went nuts. JV was saying "ha, see, that's where you belong, this is where it's at." I was feeling surprised and sad knowing that, while knowing I was definitely not done. I didn't even bother coming here to tell anyone, I knew I wasn't going to have "just one glass of wine" as a "slip". That's not how I roll. The thing that got me here last time was waking up in a strange city wildly hung over, still drunk in a way, actually. I had to get a plane back to where I came from (across the state of Texas.)

Well, guess what happened Thursday morning? Yup, same thing. Some people abuse their spouses, my father used to throw furniture, my mother drunk dialed, went on spending sprees, and verbally abused people. I go on business trips and get loaded afterward and cancel flights home, wake up in strange hotels or houses with the project of getting back on my plate. This time I'd somehow managed to find some pot somewhere, and the friend who was with me seemed to think it was funny and great. I don't.

When I started to bargain with myself about this, the "it won't happen again" conversation we have in our heads and with our loved ones, I wasn't saying "it won't happen again because I won't get out of control" ...all of me knows I will because it's all I do now. I was thinking "it won't happen again because -I promise, I won't get out of control outside my own house". WTH. I drink (drank?) every day- often starting in the morning if I could get away with it- all day long. Sometimes it was spaced out. Mostly it wasn't. I drove drunk. I had conversations I have no recollection of. Events I don't remember. I drank before I arrived places. I drank after I left. I spaced it out- where I would go, so no one would think I was really buying that much wine/beer/gin every day, day in, day out.

Sure, I didn't always get out of control. I used to have one beer. I stopped at one or two because I knew I should, but then started following the instinct to keep going. I drank one day, so didn't drink again for 3 or 4. All that CONTROL. Well, why did I ever have to control? Because of what I know now. The relationship between me and alcohol is totally dysfunctional.

So, yeah, it's a loaded word, but a cigar is a cigar and I am an alcoholic. There's a voice in my head arguing that but it's the same one that told me I could smoke one cigarette. I don't want to die from this but the other very important thing for me to remember is that I don't want to LIVE like this. Well, I don't want to live like THAT. So I'm not going to drink today. I have some good plans for the day, actually. Thanks for responding, you all are awesome.

xoxo

Bexxed

Anna

"Drinking: A Love Story" had a huge impact on me.

Caroline Knapp was so brutally honest about herself and her situation, I believed in her and I knew deep down, if she could do it, so could I.