Obsession014

My boyfriend has just completed a 10 month rehab program and just recently he relapsed right after he completed the program and started injecting heroin, crack and cocaine again. He was using when we first got together, not injextong but snorting and i wasnt aware of it and he stopped for months because he got a prescription to Subutex. He was doing so well until recently and lately he's been out of control. He has made endless promises to me that he would stop and those have all been lies. He tells me he will stop but he is so stressed out with life that this is the only way for him to cope. His other excuse is that he doesn't have his Subutex so he does heroin, yet soon as he gets his prescription he sells all of them almost instantly. I love this man to death and it is hurting me so much to see him do this. I have lost so many friends and hobbies because I am constantly worrying about what he is doing. I've had to take care of him the whole time we've been together because when we started dating he had just gotten out of prison and is on parole. He couldn't find a job and had no place to live when he first got out because his family kicked him out, so I've been holding him together, he been out almost two years now all because of me and now he is Just ruining everything. I am at a loss right now. It's starting to really effect me emotionally where it's hard to get through the days now. I love him so much and just want to help him but I also need to help myself. Just looking for similar people in a similar situation and how do you cope with it? I do not accept it and I know he loves me very much so how do I get through to him that he is seriously effecting our relationship and his everyday life.

Vale

Obsession014,


There is so much good hearted truth (& caring people) here on SR.
I urge you to take FULL advantage of the hard-earned experience
presented here.

(Don't miss the 'stickies' on top, a treasure trove of wisdom that helped me
immensely!)

Ann

I am sorry you are going through this, most of us have been where you are and we discovered after much pain and sorrow, that we cannot save an addict from himself. If love could save an active addict, not one of us would be here.

His drug is all that matters to him right now, it's not personal, it's just how it is with addiction. You are carrying all the responsibility and doing all the work...which makes it easy for him to simply keep using.

Please read the stickies at the top of this forum and see if there isn't some helpful information there that will give you comfort.

And if you haven't tried any live meetings, you may want to find some in your area and go. Al-anon, nar-anon and CoDA are three similar fellowships that have helped many of us get through our darkest days.

Welcome to SR, I am glad you found us.

Hugs

Kindeyes

Welcome to SR. Everyone here understands what it's like to love an addict.

The reason that I highlighted this portion of you post is because I am the mother of an addict. I've dealt with his addiction for about 15 years now. I've had to kick him out of our home. And I've done it because I love him so very much. (He is currently clean and sober but I understand that that could change at any time and its not within my control.)

Unfortunately, addiction is a baffling and cunning disease. It is counterintuitive. What you might think is good for the addict often isn't. Doing things for the addict that make it easy for them to use (like taking care of their needs for them, giving them money, or providing for their needs for them) will often result in giving them the opportunity to continue to use.

Your bf's family has probably been dealing with the shrapnel of your bf's addiction for a very long time. They are now doing what they need to do to take care of themselves. It's sad. But addiction can steal the lives of everyone surrounding it.....including yours. That is why addiction is referred to as a family disease.

I hope you'll learn all you can about addiction and codependency. Stick around. Read. Learn about codependency (Codependent No More by Melody Beattie is a great book). And perhaps consider going to a support fellowship such as Nar-Anon, Al-Anon, or CoDA. Coping with an addict takes tools that don't come naturally to most of us.

You are not alone.

gentle hugs
ke

Obsession014

Thank you all for your posts. They brought me to tears because I know this is the sad truth. I don't know if I have the strength to walk away quite yet because I believe in 2nd chances, which I havent given yet but I know I will not enable this behavior any longer (letting him use my car, "borrow money") this has only helped him and it makes me sad. I also think my hardest part is I don't know how to love myself anymore. My days are filled with sadness, hope, and let downs. Some days it is so hard to pull it together I can't even make it to work. I have very few friends now and they think its stupid im still with him. But you cant help who you love and walking away is much more difficult than it sounds. I am going to start focusing on myself and my own successes. I am a very smart young girl and if he cant find some way to pull it together then clearly it is not meant to be. I am so glad I found this forum, reading the stickies and similar stories have been life-changing and an eye opener.

lizwig

Hi obsession...I posted a response to you and sandwich artist in her thread. I thought I'd be able to cut and paste it here for you to read but can't figure out how. Hope you've been reading some of the stickies at the top of the page. I know when I finally found the courage to reach out for support things really began to change for me. Keep coming back. People understand your struggle here.

AnvilheadII

obsession, you talk about how much YOU have done for him....how you have supported him....but what has HE done? for you or for himself? he was just out of prison when you met....that could be considered a RED FLAG...he was unemployed....RED FLAG....his own family was done with him....HUGE RED FLAG...he was and still is an addict in ACTIVE addiction.....immediately returned to using after getting out of a lengthy rehab...

while it may feel good to try and help someone....we have to maintain healthy perspective and ask if we are truly HELPING or just ENABLING them to stay sick.

you are wise to begin to look at how this all has affected YOU. you simply must put yourself first. he is in charge of his life...how he conducts it... using and getting locked up and lying and alienating family and friends appears to be his MO. these things do not sound like they match up with your own values and approach to life. people who love us don't LIE to us, to make empty promises, don't USE us. if you cease to support him, learn to say NO, it's quite possible his attitude towards you will change and not for the better.........