EverHopeful721

Oh God, I just totally f'ed up BIG time......!!!

I just checked my FB, and two of XA's friends, who were both bartending at his bar tonight at the same time, posted two short videos of XA being sh*t-faced drunk and making an ass out of himself by dancing in the bar. The first video, I didn't even know was of him, until I played it. The second, I did know was him....and I played it anyway. The bar looked pretty empty (this was early in the evening, around 6:30 p.m. - he always goes to the bar early and usually leaves by 8/9:00). But there he is, acting like a jerk, huge drunk smile on his face (he's always been a 'happy' drunk), dancing like he doesn't have a care in the world. And all of his 'friends,' his 'REAL' family, are making fun of him on FB, as they ALWAYS do, saying, well at least he isn't slurring his words yet, at least he's still standing upright, etc. He's like a big JOKE to these people, and he either DOESN'T see it, or doesn't CARE to see it!!! And here I am, a big f***ing IDIOT, feeling BAD that yet again, he's being made fun of!!! He doesn't give ONE SH*T about me or how much he hurt me, and here I am, Miss Codependent 2013 wanting to PROTECT this A$$HOLE!!!!

I thought, you've GOT to be f***ing kidding me!!! He hasn't changed ONE BIT!!!! There he is, on a Saturday night, got his drunk face on, soon to get his high face on, and since I don't see his GF anywhere in sight, he's probably going to go home and pass out and sleep it off until morning, just as he ALWAYS does!!! I was fine at first, then the tears came and came and came. Then I felt so sick to my stomach, I thought I was going to throw up. And now....now I don't know WHAT I feel anymore......

I know, I know - this is TOTALLY ON ME. As soon as I saw it was him on that first video, I should have turned it off. But I didn't. I just wanted to see how he looked, did he look okay, has he lost weight, etc. And I also wanted to see if I felt anything, if I still found him attractive, if I could watch him and BE OKAY, BE OVER HIM. Well, obviously, that's a big NO. I knew it before, but it really, really reinforced that I AM just as sick as he is - probably even SICKER!!! I had a chance to prove to myself that I'm stronger now, that I'm getting better....but I couldn't stop myself. I just took 100 steps back, and I can't even think straight right now.

Don't know what I'm looking for right now, and I'm sorry this post isn't even making sense. You guys are just the first thing that popped into my mind, that I had to come and confess how royally I just screwed myself and my progress up!!!

story74

Sorry you are upset. In order to heal I got rid of anyone that talks to my xah. I did it intuitvely, and then realized one day what I had done. I don't want to see pictures, hear how he is doing, hear his lies...NOTHING. and, I don't. It helps me heal and is peaceful.

I blocked my xah and his girlfriend from my fb account, and deleted all mutual friends.

Hang in there.

Lily1918

well at least you can know beyond a shadow of a doubt that he hasn't changed at all.

lizwig

I'm sorry everhopeful. I used to hate when my curiosity got the best of me. I used to check my son's Facebook account like crazy and it did not serve me well. As hard as it is I would either delete these people (or at the very least restrict them so you don't see what they post and vice versa). To be honest they don't sound like sincere people. I predict if you find the strength to do this you 'll realize you don't even miss them. You had a moment. Forgive yourself. Progress not immediate perfection. What have you learned from this? Make the slip up count. Big hug to you. Breathe. Repeat the serenity prayer over and over until you regain some.

EverHopeful721

Thanks, story. I know you're right, and I know it's what I should have done from the beginning, unfriended every one of his friends. After all, they're really HIS friends. I got along with them when I was with him, but their loyalty (if that's what you can call it) is to him. They have a long, drug and alcohol-filled history with him, and the future will be much of the same with all of them. And you know what? I want NO part of that. That's not who I am and not who I ever want to be.

And Lily, yes, that is the first thought that came to mind. And I don't know if I'm relieved that he hasn't changed at all, because then I know his GF isn't getting any better than I did, or if I'm sad that he hasn't changed at all, because deep down I was hoping that if that's what it took for him to finally get his life together and get clean, to be with someone other than me, than I would accept that and be okay with it, because at least I would know that he had a shot at living the rest of his life in a much better, much healthier way.

I'm sorry if I panicked for a bit there, guys. I actually am feeling much better and have calmed down. I think part of the reason it hit me hard at first is because today's the first day of my period, and that means I'm always in danger of crying at the drop of a hat, lol. But I also think it was the shock and 'high' of seeing him so unexpectedly. And then when I saw that nothing had changed, he's still going on with his sad, lonely, miserable life where he gets to play the victim (his favorite role) over and over again to anyone who'll listen, I just kind of lost it. I'm left here picking up the pieces and he's there being EXACTLY THE SAME, and certainly not looking like he's losing any sleep over me!!

You're so right, lizwig - I had a slip up, but that's all. I don't think it's as much of a relapse as I first thought. I kicked into codie overdrive for a minute, but I think I've got it back under control. Seeing him on video and hearing his voice is the closest thing to seeing him in person, and it overwhelmed me - at first. And I'm not saying I won't cry some more tonight, in fact, I'm sure I will. But that's okay. Because I realize that even though I had this mini-relapse, I'm still getting better and he's not. I'm still working on my recovery - he's not. I'm going to live a healthier and happier life and be a stronger person for having gone through that experience with him. He cannot say the same. Because I know in my gut that he is going to continue living the same life he's been living, drinking, drugging, numbing his feelings, moving from temporary relationship to temporary relationship, and he's just going to get older, sadder and sicker. AND IT'S GOT NOTHING TO DO WITH ME. That is HIS life, HIS choice. And it is NOT my business!!

But I will say this - he will NEVER get a chance with a woman like me again in this lifetime - I'm loving, funny, passionate, loyal and YES, DAMN IT - attractive (THERE!! I finally said it - I am NOT a dog-face and I sure as hell am NOT a CHICKEN)!!! He had a once in a lifetime chance with me and he blew it!! So he can just go ahead and live that miserable, lonely, pathetic life that he loves so much. I hope it's enough to keep him warm at night when he's a sad and lonely old man. As for me, I've got my own life to live and my own recovery to work. I really, really hope that I have finally reached the point of being sick and tired of being sick and tired...

Thanks everyone, for listening to my ranting.

Vale

>>>>>>Thanks everyone, for listening to my ranting. <<<<<<<<

Thank you, EverHopeful, for listening to ours. Not to pull rank here,
but I have ALMOST 900 rants on file here. You may be a big deal in
Pennsylvania---but this is the varsity!

rant: lower case. humdrum,vanilla rant.

Rant: raises eyebrows (of the unsophisticated)

RANT: all caps! Approaching 1000 posts. Big time.

367?

Hmmmm. I cracked 500 rants before I was even granted
an honorary (reserve/alternate) 'gifted amateur' plaque....that
I never even got to see because someone hung it up in the
ladies room!

Ann

^^^


When we know better, we do better...eventually.

If I could give one piece of advice here to those who have broken off a relationship...don't even look at facebook for a month..year...rest of your life, whatever it takes to stop, don't text and if you receive texts, change your number.

Move on and be glad you are not part of his world anymore.

Hugs

love4menotu

Been there, done that, have the t-shirt to prove it.

It's not a 1000 steps back - real progress is tough, goes back and forth and makes me look deep inside myself as to why I'm stalling my own recovery by getting sidetracked with this crap.

So the question is why... Why do we do this?

I do it because I have yet to admit that I have zero control over any situation regarding my stbxh. Nothing I say, nothing I do, will ever change him. He will continue to live his life on his own terms no matter what. I have to accept that - and will continue to love him from afar and wish for him to have a happy life. But I know that he is not good for me, and does not love me in the same way I loved him. Unacceptable behavior is my bottom line... and I have to stick to that. To keep on keepin' on would have meant the end of me.

It's a lesson I have to relearn every day.

Hey - the bright spot here is that you have awareness now of what you are doing, and can stop it in the future. No contact = no new hurts.

Hugs..

Lyn

mstrust

vale. thanks for the chuckle this morning. i need to post more and earn my plaque!!

zoso77

When I learned from my AXGF that she was getting married, I went online to see if there was an official engagement announcement. There wasn't.

But that's besides the point. By texting me under the guise of a group text that she was getting married, she showed something I already knew to be true: she is never, ever going to change. The only reason to include me when sending out a group text is to provoke me, and she doesn't have the self awareness to recognize that she's predictable. There is no way in hell I'd respond to anything she sends out because I'm simply done with her. So she's getting married. Better him than me.

EverHopeful...it appears from my vantage point that you're continuing to personalize your AXBF's behavior. And you shouldn't, because what he's done and what he's continuing to do has nothing to do with you. You're going to have to learn opening that door to see how he's doing is like grabbing a downed power line: you'll get shocked every time. Keep that door closed. Be done with him.

ZoSo

Carlotta

I am sorry you are hurting
Unfriend those people they are not real friends to him but cruel jerks and I don't see them having the capacity to be real friends to anyone. You don't have to see their nasty videos and posts first thing in the morning when you turn on facebook especially if it is a trigger to your codependency and last but not least, do you want to associate in any way shape or form with people who are that juvenile and that mean?

Boon44

I understand totally. I've found myself waking up daily thinking about what my exabf is doing, who he with, and looking on FB and then deleting my account promising I will never look at it again. I make up stories in my mind all day long about his life and lose hours and hours of thought about how it will be something I will miss out on. It's almost like I go into denial about what it was like to live with him for so long...7 years and it that time very little changed. Sure he would seem better for a little while but eventually he would go on a binge and start drinking again, hiding it less, but in reality his overall behavior and level of committment never really changed where I was concerned. He was legally separated at the time we met and delayed getting the divorce until he was I think "guilted" into it by a friend of his who convinced him it was time. I didn't push all those years and I did not leave because I was afraid of being alone again and had this idea of what our relationship could become. But, what was he doing? He was mainly focused on himself, what he wanted to do and what he needed. If he needed a drink he had one and if he didn't he was often irritable, anxious, and withdrawn. Sure he liked having me around for companionship, except when he didn't and just wanted to be left alone. I woke up this morning with this sense of dread again but also telling myself that it is really over, OVER, and it hurts like hell. He really does not want a committed relationship with me, he said he did and was committed to me, but in the end I guess he changed his mind or decided I just wasn't worth the compromise. He knew I would never be okay with the drinking and that I wanted to get married and have a committed relationship. I waited 7 years for him to be ready...my mistake. I thought I'd found the one and he told me I was the best thing in the world that every happened to him. As did others around him including his familly and friends. I left once and he worked hard to get me back but in the end he hasn't wanted to change that much of who he is to be with me...his freedom to do what he wants, when he wants, how he wants is more important than being with me. It's been really hard to accept that he chose drinking over me. Other's have said it, you've all said it, he has even said it but I think he was just saying anything at that point to get me to go away. I too am good persn, have a lot going for me, great job, family, friends, and even at 45 I still look pretty damn good. I'm a professional woman with a great education and many opportunities ahead of me regarding my professional life. However, its the personal life where I seem to flounder because I'm always feeling so alone and afraid which is how I'm sure I ended up getting/staying in this situation for so long. I don't know what or who else is out there but I'm the type of person who likes to be in a relationship, a happy one would be nice and not one with this much stress and compromise. I just thought if this is what I have to deal with to be in a relationship then this is what I will deal with, no relationship is perfect and everyone has their issues. I was just tired of waiting for something else to come along and he was persistant, charming, wanted to be with me all the time, etc. He never seemed to want to be without me for very long either. It was the alcohol and me...pretty much on a regular basis. Then, when I was tired of competing with the effects of the alcohol it was I who was let go, not the alcohol. I became the issue, WE just never got along he said. How could WE get along as long as he thought he had his drinking under control but didn't? He would just tell me to leave him alone and that he would figure it out and that my focusing so much on it made it more difficult but when I just left him alone it was more difficult for me because I couldn't stand him drinking every night even if he didn't get drunk it bothered me that he needed something besides just being with me, our life together, to relax and have fun. Isn't that one of the first signs that there is an issue if your drinking is effecting your relationship and you are not willing to go without if your partner says it is a problem? Sorry, I'm ranting here in my response but it hit a chord with me because I too have been obsessing over him for weeks now since I left. I even have pics on my phone of the alcohol bottles that he consumed during the weeks I was going in and out of the house to get the remainder of my belongings. You would think that would be enough to convince me he hasn't changed and to move forward but it really hasn't been. I just keep going over and over in my head now surprised I am that he really did this, that he really let me go. I just never thought that in the end he would make that choice, that he would see we were meant to be together and that he would give it up finally. But he did not make that choice, in fact he made it clear by getting so sh** faced drunk those last few days before I left and saying and doing so many nasty things that I would have no choice but to leave. He solution was for me to stay in the house and that he would leave? Then what? He would have had to help pay some of the bills because I couldn't have afforded to pay it on my own? And why, if he wanted to break up would he want to maintain any ties with me what so ever? Was that out of guilt because he new what he was doing to me? Was it because he still wanted some connection with me, sort of like having your cake and eating it too? That's one of the things he said to me one of the last nights I was there and he was drinking, that he wanted to still be in my life but also wanted to go out and be with friends do his own thing etc...That was a definate NO to me. We would have been going backwards. Most of what he said was all in a drunken haze anyway and he said later he did not remember most of what he said. Why do I care at this point, who in their right mind when they are mature enough and sober enough does and says these types of things after all of those years together? I feel like I'm fighting with him here on this blog...ugh. Sorry, I just really needed to get that out. I feel stuck in this fight all alone and I'm resisting moving out of it for some reason, maybe because it still feels then like I'm in a relationship with him and not really alone which is where I don't want to be...alone. I know he isn't suffering the same fate. He is able to just focus on work, this 3rd person, and going home and having a few at night only to get up the next day to do it all over again. He isn't sitting there thinking about me. In fact I'm sure he has convinced himself by now that he has done me a favor and that he has set me free...despite the fact that I didn't want to be set free...but I did want to change him and he wasn't going to have any of that. Was I wrong? I just wanted to be able to count on someone at any moment to be sober, available, and want to live my life with me that included my family, my interests, just to be with me at home on the couch or in bed cuddling with me, having an open mind about life, people, the world. Not being so negative and regrettful all of the time. He use to want me to wait for him to decide what he felt like doing or not doing when he came home from work. Vacation time was always an issue because he only had so many days off and he wanted to save them to do what he wanted to do. He barely went to see his family because he wanted to save a lot of his time to go sking in the winter. I always found it stressful to ask him to take time off for things that were important to me like spending time with my family. We always had to arrange it around his time frame and what he wanted to do. It was never easy with him. He would say he would love me and wanted to be with me but what did that really mean? It wasn't just about the alcohol it was about him being controlling of his life and time and really being selfish. Is selfishness a predictor of alcoholism...But in the end I still miss him. He could be funny, playful, and had a way of getting me exicted about life and introducing me to new things and when we were alone together, no alcohol, on trips away from the stress it was the BEST! He could relax and we had a great time. It was when we were at home and LIFE hit that things became an issue. Does anyone relate to that? I think that's where I'm partly getting stuck is that there were REALLY fun and GREAT times too. I guess that is the intermittment chicken thing I've been reading about? But it is that thing about getting some GREAT stuff mixed up with the really BAD stuff that makes me regret that it's over. Help, I can't seem to get out of this loop!

EverHopeful721

Vale - Your post made me laugh today, thank you.

Ann - Yes, FB is mostly just really awful. I've thought about shutting down my account even before my XA dumped me....maybe I should reconsider, huh?

love4menotu - Everything you said makes perfect sense. I am stalling my own recovery, he will continue to live his life the way he always has and to keep on keepin' on would have definitely been the end of me!! Thank you for your very insightful words.

zoso - Yes, I need to shut that door, lock it and throw away the key. I need to be done with him, for good. I'm so sick of feeling like this...

Carlotta - You're absolutely right - I don't want to associate with people who are that nasty and mean to their own 'friend,' and who post hurtful things that trigger my codependency and jeopardize my recovery. And the thing is, sometimes I get the distinct feeling that they put stuff up about him just to hurt me, as they know we're not together anymore. I don't know, it's just an uneasy feeling I get....

Boon - I'm so sorry you're in such pain...I can identify with everything you said. All the confusion, the pain, the heartache, the regret....it's enough to drive us insane, and it will if we let it!! I posted yesterday on Anvil's thread "Splitting" that yes, there were good times, but what I have to remember is that he basically sh*t on all of those good times with the way he treated me in the end, and really, that's ALL that should matter. You should check out that thread if you haven't already and the other one she posted yesterday, "Love vs Dysfunction" - they both have a lot of insightful information!!

terryr97

I met with my exabf last weekend. He picked up a whitechip at a mtg. I, of course, let me get hopeful again. We had a great weekend, he said he loves me and wants our old life again. But then he was talking all the same old bs I hear whenever he comes back in: jail, prison, his work, his back probs, etc. We went for a walk and I got pissed, asking when we could start talking about me, things in the present, our probs etc. He, as usual, twisted it around into I dont want him to get sober, etc. No, its just that hes 34 and we were talking about stuff from 6 yrs ago, like i had just met him again. Long story short, he honored 4 commitments that he had made to me to rebuild trust and, his dad trusting him cos he was hanging with me again, gave him his pay check and now he was supposed to go to an AA picnic with me yesterday but he had the audacity to say he made other plans! And he was too tired to text me at 9:30am but, at 10pm, when I texted him, he said he was tired and I said obviously not too tired to make other plans.

I am sooooo sick of doing this to myself! I know he wont bother chasing after me cos he knows hes done too much damage already. Way to show the love. Argh!

EverHopeful721

Wow, terry, the part about always talking about himself, his problems, etc. sounds sooooo familiar!!! That's how my XA is - his problems, his life, his bills, him, him, him!! In 16 months, he only ever asked how my day was ONE time. And at the time, it took my breath away, because it was so unexpected and SO RARE that he ever asked anything about me. At the time, I told myself, "SEE?? He DOES care!!" (Yep, the codie in me jumped right up and held onto that little crumb for dear life!!) Now, I see how selfish he always was, how everything was always about him and the reason he never asked about me, my life, my problems is because he honestly just didn't care. I've learned through therapy and everyone here on SR that selfishness just goes hand in hand with the addiction. I agree with you - I'm just so sick of feeling like this. We deserve SO MUCH BETTER!!

wiscsober

wish you the best in YOUR recovery....best always

terryr97

The problem is is that, when clean, my exabf is ALL about me: taking care of me, bbqing, cleaning, while I do my studies. When he's using: supreme Ahole! Im scrambling to pay OUR bills while, living at daddys, he buys a flat screen and a ps3 (knowing im still trying to pay off the one we bought on my credit card 4months ago). He says he has a crippling back prob (can you say lifetime of Oxys from pain mgmt) but, God forbid he buys a better bed than the 40 year old sprin mattress hes sleeping on. I guess he thinks he'll move back in here and sleep on our new bed that Im paying off? HA!

EverHopeful721

Thank you, wicsober. I'm doing my best to view this as just a little blip in the road and not a major roadblock to the progress I've been making. Wishing nothing but the best for you, too!!

EverHopeful721

Stand your ground, terry - don't let him walk all over you again!!

oneday66

Everhopeful..u sound perceptive and strong.. its ok that u. checked... we all do..I had to stop cause it qas making me sick... I cut my AH out of my life and let him back in only after 6 months of recovery and only on a very limited basis... like ur guy... he had a core goup of "friends" he partied with... this went on for 25 YEARS 15 to 40)... he relapsed because he wouldnt let go of them..I had to let go and let God and know that he will get it when he gets it... one of his friends is FIFTY YEARS OLD...and still making an ass of himself, drinking and using.. u will get sick of seeing the same old same old in your own time