koalaintx

I'm new to this site or any support group for that matter. I don't know where to start except the beginning. My boyfriend and I have been together for four years he is an alcoholic. Sometimes recovering sometimes not.

Today is our anniversary. We also have lived together these 4 yrs.

He works and runs a bar. (Worst idea ever!!) this week has been pretty rough. He hasn't come home since Wednesday. We talk everyday but then disappears at night. I haven't spoken to him at all today and I know he is at work but I'm just so burned out of waking up at 1 am and not knowing where he is. Some nights he doesn't call or even tell me he isn't coming home. Anyone have any advice. I love and he loves me. If feels like the more I call or text him to see where he is the less answers I get.

MTSlideAddict

I'm sorry you are going through this.

My A has broken many many dates of ours. He has ruined holidays, birthdays, and special occasions for me. My alcoholic husband didn’t even stay sober long enough to enjoy our wedding night. I was sitting basically alone in a nice hotel room watching him snore. The next morning he was too hung over to enjoy the bed-in-breakfast I had paid extra for. We had to leave early so he could have a drink. My wedding night is one I'd like to forget. You are not alone.

There is a lot of turmoil that can come with being in a relationship with an active alcoholic. To an active alcoholic the alcohol will always come first. They put alcohol above anything even themselves.

Does he have explanations for his odd stents away from home? It sounds to me that the relationship in its current condition can be quite lonely. I understand the loneliness far too well. You have to decide if that kind of behavior is acceptable to you. Have you expressed your concern with him about his lack of communication with you during his away times?

Either way from the bit you shared it sounds like he is not emotionally there for you. Try focusing on yourself. Maybe go to Al-Anon to help cope with your feelings. There is nothing you can do to get him to respond more to your attempts to call or text. Do something fun for yourself today instead.

Hugs.

koalaintx

It's been a lonely few days. The first day his father asked him to stay the night to watch his business while he went out of town to take care of some family business. The last two nights I didn't get much of an explanation. I talked to him in the evening and he seems fine normal and one night he told he was gonna stay out there again but last night I had to call him a million times before he answered and all he said is he wasn't going to make it. No explanation not even telling me where he was

We have battled his "rough patches" before but never has it felt so distant. Or so cold. The last month I have seen him struggling and we have spoken about it and he will come home and we will be fine for days but then it starts up again. I feel like he is slipping further into the addiction.

He has never missed an anniversary or a birthday. I have not heard from him today I haven't called or pestered him today either. I did call and just left a message telling him he is loved and happy anniversary. Was that wrong?

People keep talking about letting go and still letting them know they r loved. How do u do that?

koalaintx

To answer your question he is usually very supportive with everything from being a step dad to being a good bf.

Yesterday hungover he told me he wasn't in love with me and he wanted to reinvent himself and he couldn't do that with a wife and kid. Which really hurt my feelings to the point of tears. Then in the evening he calls to tell me he loves me and I am a good person and a good Gf and deserve to be treated well and ill see you at home later. Then doesn't show up.

I hope this is another rough patch and not the end. But I am anxious wondering "is this it?" What do I do. We just bought a house after him being sober a year. And now I'm just feeling lost.

dandylion

Dear koalaintx, I am sorry to hear about this very sad time for you. You are up against a disease that doesn't care about anything in it's path. The alcoholic fights a constant battle within their brain at all times. Abstainence is the only thing that can put the "alcoholic voice" into remission. He isn't drinking to hurt you--he is drinking to satisfy that voice and it hurts you. It is like you are the collateral damage of the disease. You are being affected and hurt by the disease.

Anyone who gets between the alcoholic and their ability to drink is resented and is seen like that irritating mosquito buzzing around his head. That is likely, what your attempts to contact him and curtail his habits seem like.

You can't control him--you probably have guessed that, already!!

You have to consider what is best for you and what you can live with. This is not easy.
You need all the support you can get.

Please hang around the board and read all the "stickys" at the top of this page for starters.

This is a vicious, destructive disease--and it will help you to learn all you can about it.

You are not alone. We are here for you.

sincerely, dandylion

koalaintx

Thank you!

I have been reading little articles I can find. And it seems nothing I do is working this last week. Not calling not getting mad at him. Not threatening him, all the things that have worked in the past.

So I thought I would come on here and hear how other people do it.

MTSlideAddict

You are exactly right to say that it seems like his alcoholism is progressing. Alcoholism IS a progressive disease. During the course with my husband there have been a lot of ups and downs. It started as social drinking and partying. Then it began to be problematic to where he wouldn’t come home, and he started being verbally and later physically abusive. Then he hid the alcohol from me, and I tried to police his consumption. It got to the point to where he attempted suicide one day when he was drunk. That’s when he agreed to go to rehab. It got a lot less volitile, I can say, after rehab, but since then he has relapsed. The past few years it has been more of a cycle. He would go periods of being “dry” and then go back to drinking. Now, I wouldn’t call my AH recovering during his “dry” periods, because he wasn’t actively working a program but rather refrained from drinking during that time.

Detaching with love is much different than allowing someone to step all over you and loving them for it. When people talk about letting go and still letting them know that they are loved they are referring to detachment. Detachment from an addict is taking care of yourself and setting healthy boundaries for you to live a peaceful life despite what the addict is doing.

Your boyfriend is definitely fighting his own battle in his brain, but you do have the freedom to choose what you accept in your life and in your relationships.

Keep doing your research. Knowledge was the key to unlocking my cage of misery.

koalaintx

Thank you. I wish I understood why he is mad at me this time. Why he blames his unhappiness on me. We use to be the best of friends until just a couple of weeks ago. It all hurts very much.

koalaintx

I'm sorry your story seems to sound a lot like mine. He also goes thru dry spells and its a cycle. He will go days weeks without drinking even months and we rebuild our relationship then a fall just this one feels different because of the not communicating the distance and the coldness. The mean things he says this time seem more real when combined with him being distant and then a day or an aftenoon of lucid ABF he is nice and making plans and being loving again
I'm on a rollercoaster. I did speak to him about being honest about not coming home but its been hit or miss this week

koalaintx

Do you still celebrate anniversaries or am i just being nostalgic for wanting to wish him a happy anniversary and tell him he is loved.

We had such an amazing year it's so sad this is going on around this day.

dandylion

koalaintx, who do you expect him to blame his unhappiness on? If he were to blame himself, then he would have to face becoming abstainent--something that he is apparently not ready to do--or feels that he is unable to do.

This is not meant to sound sarcastic--if it sounds that way. In his alcoholic brain he is desperate to keep drinking (alcoholism is an almost irresistable urge to keep drinking). You are the closest one to blame, so that he can stay in denial.

All of your efforts are just making him irritated and angry--because you are trying to come between him and his drinking! Every alcoholic reacts this way.

Bottom line--there is nothing you can do. You do not have the ability to control him.

Right now, you will have to set boundries for yourself as to what you will tolerate and begin to detach from him for your own best interest. Detaching will decrease the chaos in your mind while you decide how best to proceed with the relationship.

Please read the stickys at the top of this main page. They will address these things.

Life with an alcoholic who is not in recovery is a rough road.

We will be here for you.

with much empathy,
dandylion

MTSlideAddict

Holidays and special occasions are a hit and a miss with my AH. On my birthday this past February, my AH decided to put in a new floor for the master bedroom that I had been wanting. I work ten hour shifts and had gone to work. He apparently spent all day ripping out the old flooring and installing the new one. The problem was that by the time I changed out of my work uniform after work he was passed out on the couch. Being surprised by myself just wasn’t as great as it could have been if he were present. Actually, I just felt sad and lonely. I couldn’t even wake him up by shaking him to thank him.

Our last anniversary my AH was in a dry period, so yes we celebrated it together. I have been with my AH since I have been 18, which means we have been together over twelve years now, and there have been many special days that were not celebrated together or ruined because of the disease of alcoholism. Those few nice together days have been what kept me so codependently trapped on this roller coaster for so long.

Your boyfriend may not be in a sound mind to celebrate your anniversary together today. Alcoholics have their addiction to tend to as their first priority. It is normal to want to wish your significant other a happy anniversary and to let them know that you love them on that special day, but at this point in time it doesn’t sound as if your boyfriend has the capability to actively participate in normal relationship functions. He cannot give you the emotional connection that you are seeking from this special occasion.

koalaintx

He has never missed an anniversary before. And I've spoken to him everyday he has been gone except today. Maybe he is feeling shame about what's going on to call and tell me anything. Or maybe like someone said I'm the mosquito in his ear that is stopping him from drinking. Either way it sucks.
I'm torn between anger and sadness. But mostly I'm scared for him and us. Scared he isn't coming back to the family this time. Back to sobriety.

Maylie

I'm sorry that you are hurting and feel alone. Unfortunately, alcoholism is progressive and as he keeps drinking this is going to become a more and more frequent occurrence and he will only become more distant.

When someone is in active addiction only one thing matters, their drug of choice. He isn't capable of being rational, reasonable, or understanding how others feel since all that matters is drinking. It doesn't matter how many times we call, how many times we tell them we love them, or how many times we try to show them how good life could be without substances.. the more we push the only more they pull away. He needs to want recovery more than anything in his entire life and sadly, he is just not there yet.

Something you should think about is if today is as good as if ever gets are you willing to spend the rest of your life living like this? Hoping that the future is going to change or that this is only a rough patch is wishful thinking and we only get one life. You don't want to keep living in hope that the future will get better.

He has shown you this week that alcohol comes before you, your relationship, and everything else. The only thing you can control is how you decide to move forward and to figure out what you want out of a relationship/partner and if you are getting that.

Keep reading and posting on here, this is a great place to learn from others who have been there and to talk to others that understand and are in the same place now.

LexieCat

Hi, koala,

I can tell you are scared and worried. I wish I could say you have nothing to worry about, that it's all going to be OK, but it doesn't look too hopeful right now, does it?

The disease DOES progress, and I have a feeling that is what you are seeing. As long as he keeps going back to drinking it will progress. You seem to be casting about desperately for a way to make it stop, but it doesn't stop until he says it does, AND he puts in the work to make it stop, for good. As you've seen, it's very possible to not drink for stretches of time. Sometimes long stretches, in the beginning. But then it becomes progressively harder for the alcoholic to control it, and they become ever more enmeshed with the disease and their behavior centers around that more and more.

So how old is your child? Having an active alcoholic for a parent or stepparent is really pretty rough on kids. Whatever your boyfriend decides to do, you owe it to yourself and your child to build a good life for yourselves. Have you been to Al-Anon? It is a great place to start getting your own life in order so you can put some boundaries in place about what you are willing to accept, and making good, healthy decisions about your future.

Hugs, I'm sorry you are having such a sad anniversary. Living with an alcoholic is WAY lonelier than being by yourself.

koalaintx

My son is 15.

I haven't been to al anon thru all These years I've never reached out for help. I just always thought things would work out. It's been an emotional day for me. Not hearing from him. Not knowing what tomorrow might bring. Bills mortgage. The whole thing.

LexieCat

I suggest you look up Al-Anon in your area--you should be able to find it with an Internet search. There are lots of different meetings most places. There is also Alateen, if your son has any interest.

Al-Anon was a total lifeline for me when my second husband went back to drinking after almost dying of it. We had only been married for a few months, and had moved across the country. He lost his job and I wound up supporting both of us. Eventually I decided I could not bear to watch him continue to self-destruct, and I left. It was a VERY difficult and scary time for me.

My meetings helped keep me sane and helped me figure out what I wanted. It helped me let go of my need to control what he was doing. Control tactics never work, and they put us in the position of being a parent to the person who is supposed to be our partner. And I spent so much energy worrying about what was going to happen next that I couldn't even think straight. When I would walk into those meetings I had an hour to focus just on me, and how I could make MY life better. I always felt better afterward. And gradually, I became strong enough, and my thinking clear enough, to make some hard choices that turned out to be the right ones.

I hope you will give it a try.

koalaintx

I will look into those meetings. I spoke to my ABF this morning for the first time since Friday we spoke for an hour and a half. He said he would come home today after work but he had already been drinking since 10 am. Hadn't slept all night. But I spoke to him again a few minutes ago and I asked if he was still coming home he said no. He could face our son like this. He said he has been drinking all day and it wasn't a good time.

I'm not sure how to take it. We talked for so long this morning. I thought he would surely want to come home. As for why he hasn't come home in 4 days he said he didn't want to.

dandylion

Dear Koalaintx, he is doing what active alcoholics do. He is not drinking AT you, he is just drinking. You are very likely an irritation to him, at this point. You are getting in the way of his drinking!

the question--what are you going to do?

I am glad you are planning to go to alanon. You must help yourself and your son.

sincerely, dandylion

koalaintx

It's been another rough day with ABF still not home. He text my son this morning saying he would be home today and did he want to go see a movie when it comes out. They had a whole conversation via texts. My son of course said yes and told me ABF was coming home today. But he didn't. He didn't answer my calls or texts all day again. Even though he was speaking to me yesterday.

So frustrating. It's like he wakes up and he has the plan to come home and be normal with us and then disappears. Which i can only believe he starts drinking and then we r forgotten again.

Until bedtime did I get a one word goodnight text. I know he is fighting something himself and I just feel like im watching a loved one drown and unable to do anything. I know him and how much of a loving person he is and can be. This is by far the longest he has been away. And distant. Any other "stints" he would call constantly!

All I can do right now is keep the house moving, taking son to school go to work and its taking all the strength I have not to break down and cry. We can't both fall apart at the same time.