am losing it...some recovery for years..crazy or sick? (long)

Old 05-25-2013, 09:03 AM
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am losing it...some recovery for years..crazy or sick? (long)

When I started hearing the word 'codependant' years ago I wasn't sure I understood or believed what it meant. All I knew was that the sayings and the symptoms discussed fit me. Many people who I speak to don’t even know the word…or at least they don’t respond when I speak the word the symptoms fit me…then and now.

When I was finally fed up with taking care of the umptiumpth person in my life, selfish, support or do for me me till the day one of us dies, AS I started really paying attention and reading about codependence and enabling. I started saying no instead
Of ‘yes’ no matter how many times the person I helped later
‘turned’ and told me that my resulting feelings of exhaustion and
depletion were my own fault. I stopped being ‘nice’ ALL the time, because to not do so made me go crazy with anxiety and
I was surprised to start to see that I feel happier when certain
People, no matter how much I love them, are out of my life.

When I realized how angry and resentful I was for not being appreciated for what actually were big acts of caring and standing by sick Dad and mom not doing anything constructive or getting back on my feet to contribute to the healthiest family when my children were small…and no biological family support…just ‘taking’ or ‘using’ my listening to their confidences about each other and people and what they didn’t like about other loved ones…I felt sick that I was not the ‘good’ one…I was the enabler and I was going to go down for the count if I didn’t do something.

Twenty four years later…it has been one crisis after another…alcoholism, stroke and post Dad rejection by mother in my parents’; heavy drinking for many years by husband until therapy and rehab work in our daughters changed some of his behaviors and he is so much more compassionate and understanding than he was…but 38 years of marriage—the first 25 took their toll…and on the third child addiction…with another, a son, who in our latin family is not judged at all…but the daughters were pressured and overprotected…and now…with the third daughter…no sibling support…well, maybe, but we are now in the ultimate of tough love, after being manipulated to financial destruction by the second who is now fine and doing well…so although happy about that…she is verbally abusive and blaming to me…she uses the crazy card…which her grandmother also used when she was addicted to call me crazy and she used it at rehab and if I hadn’t stood up and taken a stand, it would have worked.

I have worked on my recovery in between the crises and during the crises…have no idea if any of the biological family or immediate family have changed for the better…we definitely do not express our feelings…being silent and repressed emotionally or very direct (I came from that direction) and sometimes sounds judgmental and blaming…now getting my own codependency addictions thrown back from the ex addicts…the eating, the codependency…and it is hard, but I say…yes that is one of the addictions I am working on as I do work on myself. I think I have apologized too much…although when I started my personal recovery work…I had never apologized, just got ‘hurt’…came to realize it was mad…and then started apologizing like crazy.

My grandmothers’ family fell apart in similar ways and my father was the scapegoat there as well…there was a lot of addiction, and depression and anxiety, but was either gossiped about (in my family…mother talked…never about her own family…but Dad was ‘perfect’). The ‘perfect’ thing was my first real door into ‘hmmmmm’ how could Dad have been perfect but everyone else had problems…or the opening to Pandora’s box on this subject…before that, I was doing ‘grief’ therapy around my son.

I stated listening to people who introduced feeling words and who were able to understand my experiences as something that
Is quite normal for those who ‘help’ and, in fact, are addicted to
Helping. I stopped trying to please every single person in my life
And to deal with crippling anxiety or fear when the other person then showed me their truth back…and the truth wasn’t the positive reciprocity and mutual give and take that I desperately
Needed and wanted.

I started telling people my truthful feelings and began to ask for the emotional support that I so desperately
Needed, but which just never seemed to be available for me…although I gave and give it in huge quantities to others.

I learned to realize that getting name calling, labeled, told I was sick and blamed were various ways to hear and come to understand (after being devastated time after time) that there was no help or emotional support to be had from that source. Not good or bad…just the facts.

I started by editing the many, many friends that I wanted and needed…based on their emotional abilities and maturity. I started to work on my own emotional development and maturity…going through a lot of grief and forgiveness processing as I slow by slow went through blaming myself, blaming others, and finally realizing that I can only be my very very best in any given moment…I do and will make mistakes…and in addition to being good at accepting and not judging the issues of others (am almost too tolerant), I can accept my own…and although I usually go through crippling and deep pain as I “awake” to another facet…I can take care of myself, rest, turn the brain’s self blame and need to make myself more perfect…although I know all to well that there is no perfect and I can’t do it.

I started to notice that not everyone on the outside is perfect…and it is just me that is flawed. I started to accept…it takes time and work and hard steps. Each hard step is the hardest yet…there seem to be layers and layers. And yet, after each hard step, there is deep relief and the ability to do something that is relaxed or fun or good for me…rather than fixating on the other person…and there have been many…family of origin, immediate family, extended family, work and even church.

I am collecting shells on a beach in Chile right now. It doesn’t mean that I don’t have problems…they are all still there and as I recover, I “see” more and more. However, there are shells to collect which was not the case on my beautiful and beloved beaches in northern California…and they are plain shells…and remind me of myself…being washed and smoothed by the ocean waves…slowing gaining a luster and beauty that is not there at the beginning of their lives. I found a dried starfish yesterday…and it felt like a beautiful treasure…a gift from my higher power…and something that made me feel content and content…although there are so many other things happening and I do not know how to solve them…

I wish each of you here a good day…just for today…I write with some misgiving, as I don’t feel as if what I am writing is good enough…but it is the best I have to offer…and I can offer this…and thank each of you for the ESH shared. It is saving my life right now.

YES I BELIEVE!

Once I was aware of what I was doing and made an effort to change my behavior it has impacted other areas of my life.

I no longer feel like I have to solve other people's problems, I can listen without offering advise, and I find it easier to say no, I am more honest with myself and others.

It is amazing how we let other people treat us because we feel we must be 'nice' at all times. Enablers (me) are people pleasers that allow themselves (me) to be used as door mats.

Realising, and trying to control, my enabling has given me more confidence in myself and I am much happier. I am worth the effort for me to have a good life! I always get more confidence when I am staying more aware of myself.

I am actually wondering though, as the crises around addiction and codependency are not getting better in those around me…or I can’t necessarily see it…hubby and I made progress because we did so much therapy as parents and a couple as well as family and, in my case, individual, in addition to rehab, tough love, whatever we could find (came out of complete ignorance and denial which was so hard in and of itself)…to help our teenage and young adult daughters.

I am exhausted. As I left my last job…it was a turnaround…or similar to what I work on in myself…a very financially troubled company that took everything…and I think I finally realized, I can’t live on the huge stress and pressure any more and get healthier…although the money has provided for my family.

As I rest, and unwind, there are things coming up…but thankfully, not from the first 40 years of my life…as did when I was 43 and took my first step into working on myself and being a less focused working mom…working in our family business (a turnaround requiring savings and lots of work, but behind us and we are still working, thank you God)…I am simply now dealing with the past 18 years…and it is still attached to mother…I ended up forgiving my Dad and letting him ‘go’ when he passed…as I was doing grief therapy around my son…and it involved learning and using the forgiveness process…so good…so helpful.

However, mom’s reaction…immediate disengagement…mean talk and blame (saying I was just like Dad…finally her truth…knew it from the time I was young…but didn’t need to hear all the rest after I asked and she told me…I was always different…worked through that part…and that was a helpful truth…I always was…and I started to find the pieces of myself I liked)…but she has gotten worse and worse…when I told her that I was taking medication for depression and anxiety, she told me that I was druggie like my aunt (my Dad’s sister, of course)…and called me bipolar like my aunt (same one) when I had been under doctor’s supervision for years…and knew it wasn’t bipolar. It hurt and hurt…and hurt. Then, that antidepressants were addictive. Now, that I am in horrible shape and need medical attention.

Realize that me accidentally discovering that her father had syphilis…I was researching a story from young adulthood when she said that her mother went crazy from change of life, coming to terms with my own emotions…and researched a few key words to determine if crazy was hereditary (yes…I laugh now…I am a wonderful researcher…financial planning and estimation and complex problem solving are my gifts, but I was truly ignorant there)…put in ‘incurable disease in the 30’s, electro-shock therapy, and crazy…and out popped syphilis…and that it could impact loved ones…

Then, as I always spoke truth and honest to my mom and Dad (except when hiding what I knew would displease them, but was pretty needy for some sort of validation), realized that I had discovered a family ‘secret’. Well, it has never been the same…although mother did acknowledge and I believe that she is projecting her own fears and unaddressed stuff onto me…and as I saw her almost ruin my own sisters’ reputation once when Dad was sick and sister wouldn’t go help her in the hospital…and she was really destructive…now understand the understated thing my sister said at the time…as I also stood by her…’went to see counselor and counselor says that mom has ‘deep’ issues and best not to talk to her’, but I was standing by mom and sister…and then, when I reached out to mom in a letter telling her my feelings of devastation and being not cared for after child died, and asking her to be nicer to sister as I couldn’t ‘stand’ seeing her being talked about and treated meanly…the sister and mother relationship firmed up and I became the scapegoat.

I think that I need to process these things out and no longer have the money for a therapist or insurance for that matter…so hope I don’t anger anyone with the length of my writing. Nobody in my family wants to hear anything from me…and as it is clear that I am now the ‘sandwich’ person between both biological family and immediate family. I tried to detach and was able to do about 10 years of holiday tradition with my own family as mother actually seemed to forget that my family and I had been going for 25 years already when Dad died…and changed her schedule to travel and to meet my brothers’ schedules and didn’t communicate changes or just invited 2-3 days ahead of time…and I went for many years due to deep anxiety…but then doctor explained I was hurting myself.

I am now not going. She gets angrier and angrier and more and more blaming. My reaching out is hurting me. I am not handling the fact that all siblings now but one (who sends prayers, but does not acknowledge any of the stuff I write…emotions, family issues, love for mom, etc.)…and I am tired…and my head hurts all the time now…think it is time for NC and trying it…it has become a hobby when I can’t figure out how to help my current active addict, nor the ex crystal meth addict that is now fine financially and materially, but hateful to me and I was warned that she might blame me for a long, long time…and I chose to do the rehab, therapy and stuff anyway…so recently set a boundary around the disrespect and in NC with her…and my other children are all telling me to ‘adjust’ to who she is…that she will always be that way.

Ok…going to stay in NC with biological family…I know who they are…and ex crystal meth addict daughter. Am not mentioned much except for superficial conversation with two oldest children as they are doing well for now…and simply conversing around what they are willing to converse about…as got angry with my son for not receiving me in his house when I was thinking of going back to states and getting another job and needed a temporary place to stay…understand his stance…working on his own relationship, but it was pretty devastating to know that I am not going to be received…and took about two weeks to get through the emotional cycle, and apologize for a couple of mean sentences…and to get over his confronting me about the mean words and yet…simply no engagement except to tell me that he has felt like he is walking on eggshells for the past 9 years and just wants me to do what I need to do to ‘be happy’.

Lots in this posting…hope it is not completely ununderstandable. Wondering if there is something more drastic I should do. I literally felt like just giving up and leaving hubby and kids and biological family and starting over job wise (if possible) and just being done with all of it. I am now applying (from Chile) as jobs are not as easy at my age…but they are possible…and denied a place to stay from both children (codependent and the ex crystal meth addict) who stayed in our hometown when we lost the business and home 3 years ago…and the daughter is staying in the apartment we rented for “us”…thinking to have a base to stay in when we returned on visits…but she will not let me go there and hubby won’t fight it…he is scared of aggressive women…had a mother and two sisters like that…and daughter is…and I don’t want to be where am not welcome.

I am taking steps, however…one step at a time to create english teaching materials for her…the money isn’t great, but we have enough to survive…and we are living with far less stress than before…although starting over…having spent all of our savings to ‘save’ our kids and make them happy hasn’t been very good…at least doesn’t appear to have done anything now…although there is always the hope they got something out of it…completely not visible or real now…except in oldest daughter of 32 years old…who is codependent…so we try not to push her buttons and reassure her that we can and will take care of ourselves…and are working not to ask any children for any assistance from there…in order to give them the best possibilities we can to live their own lives fully.

I am kind of stuck between a sudden realization that I am working as hard as I can (& I am capable of hard work, multitasking, etc), but that I can’t do anything for others that they will not do for themselves. I think I damaged my third daughter and now active addict by all the work we did to ‘help’ the ex crystal meth addict…there was no money, but she had twin daughters and we let her come home and she got on track with the non-emotional stuff…but is an extreme manipulator, stole and angry and aggressive when she doesn’t get what she wants.

We actually left the apartment to her and she has said she won’t return the $2,000 deposit we put…although we got down to $1,000 in savings before finding work here…phew!...we can survive…so there is no pleasure for me in that child…sorry to say…and she is still drinking and ‘having fun’ and calling me crazy and I have learned that that sticks…with family and friends…so I am slowly rebuilding my support network here in Chile…avoiding all superficial and ‘fun’ appearance oriented people for now…and working, enjoying quiet lunches with husband, time with a small, but intimate group of spiritual friends and found one friend out of my friends in the states who was able or willing to stay in touch.

The adult children behavior has given me strength to stand strong with the addict daughter, although she cut contact and haven’t heard from her in 6 weeks…except to reach out by facebook and get a few responses (thank you God) from a few supportive friends.

I am feeling better, but it is hard to rebuild…and it is hard to realize that I did it to myself…but I do…and that I tried my best with the tools I had at the time. I can only pick myself up and do what I can do today.

I have gotten lost again…and went back to some of the unworkable things I did before…felt shame and blame for myself.
Got angry…but apologized to the innocent one who triggered my anti-control gene by telling me what was best for me. Feel completely like I am the only one here again and inadequate, but am finally getting the strength to apply to jobs and create english teaching materials. Am working both angles to see what my higher power might have in store…taking the ‘no’s’ and the ‘yes’s’ as healthy signs either way.

Hubby, for the first time, as we are both ACOA…told daughter and son that it was time to give us some space unless there was positive support. That was a first and so welcome. Also, we are being more honest with each other about our feelings and each working on their own path, rather than trying to tell the other what to do. We ask if we need advice or opinions…and we are being more honest about the ‘I don’t know’s” or suggestions…perhaps call a lawyer about the labor issue (Chile is a hard place to run a business…but better than the complete collapse of construction after the 2007 crash in California)…and he is doing it…and it helps he is in his home country…gets more respect and respects himself more.

I ask for less emotional support…and don’t run on as much as I can when really can’t figure something out, but working on breaking the issues down to specific, actionable steps and non actions as well…and doing one at a time…without panicking because of the time element…or deadlines…which have become triggers over the years.

I continue to read here…there is so much that is helpful…and I am starting to focus on one things at a time…after journaling on some days…like today…I have trouble journaling to myself, because it seems as if I don’t matter…it is another level…it took me 10 years to be able to write…on a personal level…am an excellent business writer and in writing to ask for help or funding for others…but I just couldn’t risk putting my writing down…then, when the words came out…they came out like this…a flood…and I just wish I could get more concise…trying to be patient…and also to get comfortable with journaling privately, but not there.

Well, thank you for allowing the post…and hope I didn’t anger or say wrong things…after my brother (who sort of stayed in touch for the past 10 years during the previous daughters’ addiction) went silent two months ago, my mother called me mentally ill and needing major medical help and said she could not believe me unless my husband called to confirm (he chose not to…thank you God…he and she mutually enabled in the early and middle years of my marriage…as he is a complete pleaser and she only wants men in her life…that ended when he borrowed money from her and neither told me…and I made it clear that I wasn’t going to have any more of that from either…I apologized to mother, but shouldn’t have and now she is ruthless about trying to get him back into her life…and it is sickening to watch and experience).

I see similar traits in the ex crystal meth addict daughter…and I am triggered constantly…and it just seems like Groundhog Day and that the work I’ve done might not have mattered at all…and although I know it helped me…I am trying to get unstuck from the tarbaby … one more time.

I am lost, but found…and wonder if anyone else goest through these kinds of experiences…as the past opens up and is remembered and dealt with and the present starts to trigger as it is also dealt with in better ways. I hope I am not the only one…feels like it…all the other posts seems so logical and reasonable.

Last edited by irisgardens; 05-25-2013 at 09:04 AM. Reason: change word to be more specific
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Old 05-25-2013, 05:13 PM
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Ann
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You have been through so much, and there you are...walking the beach collecting shells. How great that is!!!

You have had more than your share of dysfunction, but you have risen above it and are a shining example of how obstacles in life can be overcome.

Keep taking care of you, hang on to those shells as a reminder of what real peace feels like. I find my perfect peace walking the beach also.

Hugs
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Old 05-26-2013, 07:06 AM
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Thank you, Ann...gives me courage for today to walk the beach!
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