I guess this is the beginning of my sober life
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Villa Hills, KY
Posts: 3
I'm feeling really raw
I want to share, but right now I just want to stop the tears. So please bear with me. I am not strong enough to rehash my bottom and how I got here. Thank you for the support. I am really gonna need it for real 
Grateful
Join Date: May 2013
Location: NC
Posts: 1,763
Welcome Stardog I'm glad you found us. I just found SR a few weeks ago and it's been really helpful. When you're ready to talk you'll talk. I read quite a bit before signing up and sharing so take your time.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Villa Hills, KY
Posts: 3
All I want to do is eat sweets and drown in self pity and shame UGhhhhhhhhhhhh last nite when I got back from the hospital I ate 2 snickers bars , a nutrageous, 4 reeses cups and rock candy on a stick. I washed it down w/ a 32 oz slush puppy. I was so disgusted I wanted to puke.
I have been on meds for depression , they don't mix with booze.
I know this, but I tell myself," just 1 shot, just 1 beer, thats all I want"......
Then that warm feeling and the burn tells me 1 more, and so on....
Sometimes, I am ok...more often than not, I black out.
I have been eating healthier, smoking e-cigarettes, and trying to change my lifestyle.
This last weekend, I was fine, then I drank....empty stomach, residual meds from the night b4........I became extremely depressed.......
I began to think of the reasons I was on my meds in the first place.
Then I felt hopeless, angry, and felt I was no good for anyone and there was no point of going on .
I took my husbands service revolver , held it to my head , fired it, and missed.
I am not a bad aim, I have my cc, I know how to shoot.
I cocked it again and it jammed.
I couldn't even F*%#n' do that right.
I made some stupid post on a social network site and in the meantime called my husband and said "I missed".
Next thing I know, I am in an ambulance in the er and then in 72 hour hold in the behavioural ward.
I am so ashamed and embarrassed.
Even more heart sick of what I put my husband through.
I have isolated myself from people because I don't want people to see me.
I am afraid to go out and drink, and I don't drink and drive.
I don't really know what to do anymore.
And to top it all off, I am finishing bartending school....GRE-AT.
I had a bartending job and made it a point to never ever have a drink there.
And I kept my promise. But the bar was so seedy it would have tempted me to drug. So I quit.
I am extremely traumatized by being locked down and treated like a criminal.
I don't know where the hell to go from here.
I am one hot mess.
Please don't judge me, I am hard enough on myself and have had a very hard journey.
I don't need anyone else telling me what a loser I am
Apparently , I found this site for a reason.....
Lord knows why..........
I have been on meds for depression , they don't mix with booze.
I know this, but I tell myself," just 1 shot, just 1 beer, thats all I want"......
Then that warm feeling and the burn tells me 1 more, and so on....
Sometimes, I am ok...more often than not, I black out.
I have been eating healthier, smoking e-cigarettes, and trying to change my lifestyle.
This last weekend, I was fine, then I drank....empty stomach, residual meds from the night b4........I became extremely depressed.......
I began to think of the reasons I was on my meds in the first place.
Then I felt hopeless, angry, and felt I was no good for anyone and there was no point of going on .
I took my husbands service revolver , held it to my head , fired it, and missed.
I am not a bad aim, I have my cc, I know how to shoot.
I cocked it again and it jammed.
I couldn't even F*%#n' do that right.
I made some stupid post on a social network site and in the meantime called my husband and said "I missed".
Next thing I know, I am in an ambulance in the er and then in 72 hour hold in the behavioural ward.
I am so ashamed and embarrassed.
Even more heart sick of what I put my husband through.
I have isolated myself from people because I don't want people to see me.
I am afraid to go out and drink, and I don't drink and drive.
I don't really know what to do anymore.
And to top it all off, I am finishing bartending school....GRE-AT.
I had a bartending job and made it a point to never ever have a drink there.
And I kept my promise. But the bar was so seedy it would have tempted me to drug. So I quit.
I am extremely traumatized by being locked down and treated like a criminal.
I don't know where the hell to go from here.
I am one hot mess.
Please don't judge me, I am hard enough on myself and have had a very hard journey.
I don't need anyone else telling me what a loser I am
Apparently , I found this site for a reason.....
Lord knows why..........
Last edited by Stardog; 05-24-2013 at 06:31 PM. Reason: font color
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Texas
Posts: 212
Thank you for sharing. Nobody here will judge you. We all have our own battles we're going through.
I'm so sorry to hear that you're having such a hard time. I hope you find strength to fight and turn your life around. We will be here to support you.
I'm so sorry to hear that you're having such a hard time. I hope you find strength to fight and turn your life around. We will be here to support you.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,526
Welcome to the family stardog. I think it'll really help you to be here. Not feeling alone made a huge difference to me.
We're not in the business of judging - we just want to support you & help you heal. Alcohol took me to my knees - I had dui's and all sorts of drama. I was drinking 24/7 when I first signed on here. I was expecting a lot of lectures and 'tough love'. What I got was understanding, empathy, and many great suggestions on how to get over the hurdles of early sobriety. You can do this - and life will be so much better for you. You'll be free.
Glad you are here.
We're not in the business of judging - we just want to support you & help you heal. Alcohol took me to my knees - I had dui's and all sorts of drama. I was drinking 24/7 when I first signed on here. I was expecting a lot of lectures and 'tough love'. What I got was understanding, empathy, and many great suggestions on how to get over the hurdles of early sobriety. You can do this - and life will be so much better for you. You'll be free.
Glad you are here.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 443
Originally Posted by Stardog 
I don't need anyone else telling me what a loser I am
Instead, I'll tell you what a loser I was. All the sober folks on this forum were losers, too. In the sense that we were given a life full of promise and wonderful possibility, and proceeded to lose that in a meaningless vacuum of addiction.
I found it again, and you can too! Welcome!
2Cor5:17
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Between Doctor's opinion & pg 164
Posts: 4,187
Welcome Star!
My heart goes out to you. I'm not going to even pretend & say I know what you're going thru. I have prayed for you that God would comfort & surround you w/ His love.
I'm glad I found this place. & w/ AA these r two knock out punches for me to alcoholism. Share as you did & read what others have posted & you will find support & encouragement
My heart goes out to you. I'm not going to even pretend & say I know what you're going thru. I have prayed for you that God would comfort & surround you w/ His love.
I'm glad I found this place. & w/ AA these r two knock out punches for me to alcoholism. Share as you did & read what others have posted & you will find support & encouragement
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 352
Star, please dont be too hard on yourself. Welcome to SR.. most of us have been through he(( and more, and yet, still survive. I thank my HP you have found yourself here, and hopefully you can lean on everyone until you can stand on your own feet. Life does not have to be so miserable. You have seen how bad things can get...read the stories here, and see how good things can get too. Give yourself a chance, we are here to help..
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 3,777
I am so sorry that you have gone through all of this. A few short months ago I was in a bottom that I thought impossible to reach. The heartbreak was awful, and I could barely stop the tears. This community helped to pick me up, and walk. You do not have to feel this way ever again. Life can and will improve for you. Lets take it one day at a time. We are all here for you! (((((HUG)))))
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: east coast
Posts: 1,711
Welcome to sr stardog. You are among friends here. Thank you for sharing your story. On my last relapse I tried to kill myself by overdosing. I too ended up in a psych unit for a few days. Today, by using the AA program & coming to sr I am no longer hopeless. I'm very glad you found us. It will get better.
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: south east,mich.
Posts: 2
star dog
some where in your heart of hearts you must have you asked for help and then some how let a higherpower work and guide you here !!great job what a miracle !! find a AA group near your home and let them share their experience strength and hope with you.tell them you need a "big book" and help to find a sponsor. you will be surprized how much this will help ! they can show you how to recover from this disease of addiction that we share.stay in that state of surrender you are in and watch what other miracles can happen.we can do this !! god bless you !!!!
regards,
ourrealpurpose
regards,
ourrealpurpose
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Gulf Coast, Florida USA
Posts: 5,731
Originally Posted by Stardog
UGhhhhhhhhhhhh last nite when I got back from the hospital I ate 2 snickers bars , a nutrageous, 4 reeses cups and rock candy on a stick. I washed it down w/ a 32 oz slush puppy. I was so disgusted I wanted to puke.
I have been on meds for depression , they don't mix with booze.
I know this, but I tell myself," just 1 shot, just 1 beer, thats all I want"......
Then that warm feeling and the burn tells me 1 more, and so on....
Sometimes, I am ok...more often than not, I black out.
I have been eating healthier, smoking e-cigarettes, and trying to change my lifestyle.
This last weekend, I was fine, then I drank....empty stomach, residual meds from the night b4........I became extremely depressed.......
I began to think of the reasons I was on my meds in the first place.
Then I felt hopeless, angry, and felt I was no good for anyone and there was no point of going on .
I took my husbands service revolver , held it to my head , fired it, and missed.
I am not a bad aim, I have my cc, I know how to shoot.
I cocked it again and it jammed.
I couldn't even F*%#n' do that right.
I made some stupid post on a social network site and in the meantime called my husband and said "I missed".
Next thing I know, I am in an ambulance in the er and then in 72 hour hold in the behavioural ward.
I am so ashamed and embarrassed.
Even more heart sick of what I put my husband through.
I have isolated myself from people because I don't want people to see me.
I am afraid to go out and drink, and I don't drink and drive.
I don't really know what to do anymore.
And to top it all off, I am finishing bartending school....GRE-AT.
I had a bartending job and made it a point to never ever have a drink there.
And I kept my promise. But the bar was so seedy it would have tempted me to drug. So I quit.
I am extremely traumatized by being locked down and treated like a criminal.
I don't know where the hell to go from here.
I am one hot mess.
Please don't judge me, I am hard enough on myself and have had a very hard journey.
I don't need anyone else telling me what a loser I am
Apparently , I found this site for a reason.....
Lord knows why..........
I have been on meds for depression , they don't mix with booze.
I know this, but I tell myself," just 1 shot, just 1 beer, thats all I want"......
Then that warm feeling and the burn tells me 1 more, and so on....
Sometimes, I am ok...more often than not, I black out.
I have been eating healthier, smoking e-cigarettes, and trying to change my lifestyle.
This last weekend, I was fine, then I drank....empty stomach, residual meds from the night b4........I became extremely depressed.......
I began to think of the reasons I was on my meds in the first place.
Then I felt hopeless, angry, and felt I was no good for anyone and there was no point of going on .
I took my husbands service revolver , held it to my head , fired it, and missed.
I am not a bad aim, I have my cc, I know how to shoot.
I cocked it again and it jammed.
I couldn't even F*%#n' do that right.
I made some stupid post on a social network site and in the meantime called my husband and said "I missed".
Next thing I know, I am in an ambulance in the er and then in 72 hour hold in the behavioural ward.
I am so ashamed and embarrassed.
Even more heart sick of what I put my husband through.
I have isolated myself from people because I don't want people to see me.
I am afraid to go out and drink, and I don't drink and drive.
I don't really know what to do anymore.
And to top it all off, I am finishing bartending school....GRE-AT.
I had a bartending job and made it a point to never ever have a drink there.
And I kept my promise. But the bar was so seedy it would have tempted me to drug. So I quit.
I am extremely traumatized by being locked down and treated like a criminal.
I don't know where the hell to go from here.
I am one hot mess.
Please don't judge me, I am hard enough on myself and have had a very hard journey.
I don't need anyone else telling me what a loser I am
Apparently , I found this site for a reason.....
Lord knows why..........
Star, u just told a portion of my story. Same thing revolver, wrestled someone for it. Didn't go off , he got it away. Star seems like you are never gonna get unstuck but I am living proof you can. I have done the psych ward numerous times. I have bi polar. You are here now
I believe that means God has a purpose for your life. Keep talkin bout it. I can give you lots of resources on AA or NA if that is your route. It was mine and I am clean, sober, my bi polar is totally manageable. Life is good for me today. Just believe me when I say that it can and will get better if you are honest, open and willing. PM if u would like me to send u some stuff.
Your life isn't over, that old book can be closed forever if you choose. You can start a new book with an awesome endng.
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