OT - But Maybe Not - When You Are Trapped With An Addict
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 261
OT - But Maybe Not - When You Are Trapped With An Addict
Dear all,
I am trying to get out of my present living situation with my AH. We currently live together with two dogs and a cat. One of the dogs and the cat is mine and I simply will not and cannot give them away for any reason. They are my children and really all that has kept me sane throughout the course of my husband's addiction.
I have been living with him as an active crack addict for about 2.5 years now. His using disrupts my life at home to a degree that is simply unbearable. I have thought about calling the cops and reporting his drug use on our property but I'm afraid to. I don't know what he would do when he got out or how he would react to me calling the cops. He is a convicted felon and has legal issues that are outstanding that could possible put him in prison.
Long story short, I am a spiritual person. I look to God for all answers and know that with faith, there is nothing that I can't get through in this life. I have been trying to get another job for about 6 months now and have had two face to face interviews. The last one that I had was yesterday and would have afforded me enough money to be able to live VERY comfortably on my own, with all of my pets. I could've afforded a nice home to rent with a fenced in yard. I was counting so desperately on getting that job. I didn't get the position. Nor did I get the other position that I interviewed for about a month ago.
I feel trapped in a way that I have never felt before and, while I am grateful to currently have a job and a home to live in, I'm really desperate for independence. I call on God and ask for a higher power to move me into my greatest good, yet, I am still in this home with this man. I have no where that I can go. My friends who said they would consider letting me stay with them reconsidered when confronted seriously. I have no family in this state that I can stay with. And I feel alone. I feel like I'm trapped. I feel like no matter how hard I try, I can't get past this stage of my life that has become so dysfunctional. I prepared myself so well for that interview and studied so hard to be prepared for the questions. This is a huge company and the interview was really tough - but I was prepared. I was already looking for homes and planning out the next moves.
I just don't know what to do and I'm looking for some feeback from folks who have positive feedback in regards to timing. I am ready to move forward but the path is blocked.
I am trying to get out of my present living situation with my AH. We currently live together with two dogs and a cat. One of the dogs and the cat is mine and I simply will not and cannot give them away for any reason. They are my children and really all that has kept me sane throughout the course of my husband's addiction.
I have been living with him as an active crack addict for about 2.5 years now. His using disrupts my life at home to a degree that is simply unbearable. I have thought about calling the cops and reporting his drug use on our property but I'm afraid to. I don't know what he would do when he got out or how he would react to me calling the cops. He is a convicted felon and has legal issues that are outstanding that could possible put him in prison.
Long story short, I am a spiritual person. I look to God for all answers and know that with faith, there is nothing that I can't get through in this life. I have been trying to get another job for about 6 months now and have had two face to face interviews. The last one that I had was yesterday and would have afforded me enough money to be able to live VERY comfortably on my own, with all of my pets. I could've afforded a nice home to rent with a fenced in yard. I was counting so desperately on getting that job. I didn't get the position. Nor did I get the other position that I interviewed for about a month ago.
I feel trapped in a way that I have never felt before and, while I am grateful to currently have a job and a home to live in, I'm really desperate for independence. I call on God and ask for a higher power to move me into my greatest good, yet, I am still in this home with this man. I have no where that I can go. My friends who said they would consider letting me stay with them reconsidered when confronted seriously. I have no family in this state that I can stay with. And I feel alone. I feel like I'm trapped. I feel like no matter how hard I try, I can't get past this stage of my life that has become so dysfunctional. I prepared myself so well for that interview and studied so hard to be prepared for the questions. This is a huge company and the interview was really tough - but I was prepared. I was already looking for homes and planning out the next moves.
I just don't know what to do and I'm looking for some feeback from folks who have positive feedback in regards to timing. I am ready to move forward but the path is blocked.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 505
Awww....I'm sorry you didn't get that job you worked so hard for, Yogagurl. I don't have any real words of wisdom for your situation, but I know a lot of others will. Just wanted to let you know that I will be praying for a solution to quickly present itself. If everything happens for a reason, then I'm hoping the reason you didn't get that job is because something even better is going to come along.
Sending hugs.
Sending hugs.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,384
I hope you find a good job opportunity soon! I've had good interviews where I thought I got the job and didn't. Getting a new job is hard, and it often requires many tries. The last place I worked, I probably interviewed for the company 20 times before I got a job! The fact that you are getting interviews is good. Don't give up for you because the right job is out there.
Since he is your husband, what about getting a divorce? Have you been married long enough where you'd get some assets from him? Do you own the home? Have you contacted a lawyer? What about other living situations that would allow you to keep the pets? I have a friend who rents a room from somebody, and she is able to have her dog. Ask around and let people know you are looking. I know you are feeling stuck, but there are often choices out there that we don't even consider or see. You might have to find a temporary living situation that isn't ideal, but is better than you are in now. What about him moving out?
Since he is your husband, what about getting a divorce? Have you been married long enough where you'd get some assets from him? Do you own the home? Have you contacted a lawyer? What about other living situations that would allow you to keep the pets? I have a friend who rents a room from somebody, and she is able to have her dog. Ask around and let people know you are looking. I know you are feeling stuck, but there are often choices out there that we don't even consider or see. You might have to find a temporary living situation that isn't ideal, but is better than you are in now. What about him moving out?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 654
I'm sorry that an interview that you put your all in and would have fixed a lot of the financial/living issues did not have the outcome you wanted.
Whenever I have wanted something so badly and it didn't happen I have always found out that in the near future something else comes along and makes me say "thank god that didn't go through". It is like when something isn't meant to happen and you force it to because you think it is what you need at that moment and it ends up back firing. I really try to believe that everything happens for a reason and that as long as we keep trying things will fall into place.
I know that it is easier to believe that everything happens for a reason when things have resolved themselves and you are looking back on the tough times but please do not give up. I myself am going through some money issues right now and I keep asking God for strength to get through this tough time and I keep doing my part of putting myself out there and doing everything I can to get me in a better position. Unfortunately, the world does not work around our time schedule as frustrating as it might be.
When I am faced with times like this I try to be thankful for what I do have. Maybe it is time to start spending extra time out of the house and maybe seeing if friends will let you stay over at least on weekends so you can get a break from his chaos to help keep you sane. I know you do not want to let go of your dogs but what if you rented an apartment that had a dog park in the complex or one near by? It would be more work to have to put the effort into taking your dog for long walks, taking him to the park, and dog parks but just because you cannot get a house with a fenced backyard does not mean you have no options left. (I am not sure how it is in your state but where I live (North Carolina) almost all apartments are pet friendly and there are dog parks in the complexes or nearby as well as parks. It might not be ideal, but if you are really ready to get out of there and you want your pets maybe a not so ideal situation will still offer you much more peace than your current one.
No matter what don't give up! Keep pushing forward and try to save as much money as you can. When I started writing down all the money I spend and on what I never realized how much I spent picking up something here or there, getting a lunch, a soda, etc. As stated above you can also talk to a lawyer about if you filed for divorce what you would be able to get and if that would help you get on your feet.
Whenever I have wanted something so badly and it didn't happen I have always found out that in the near future something else comes along and makes me say "thank god that didn't go through". It is like when something isn't meant to happen and you force it to because you think it is what you need at that moment and it ends up back firing. I really try to believe that everything happens for a reason and that as long as we keep trying things will fall into place.
I know that it is easier to believe that everything happens for a reason when things have resolved themselves and you are looking back on the tough times but please do not give up. I myself am going through some money issues right now and I keep asking God for strength to get through this tough time and I keep doing my part of putting myself out there and doing everything I can to get me in a better position. Unfortunately, the world does not work around our time schedule as frustrating as it might be.
When I am faced with times like this I try to be thankful for what I do have. Maybe it is time to start spending extra time out of the house and maybe seeing if friends will let you stay over at least on weekends so you can get a break from his chaos to help keep you sane. I know you do not want to let go of your dogs but what if you rented an apartment that had a dog park in the complex or one near by? It would be more work to have to put the effort into taking your dog for long walks, taking him to the park, and dog parks but just because you cannot get a house with a fenced backyard does not mean you have no options left. (I am not sure how it is in your state but where I live (North Carolina) almost all apartments are pet friendly and there are dog parks in the complexes or nearby as well as parks. It might not be ideal, but if you are really ready to get out of there and you want your pets maybe a not so ideal situation will still offer you much more peace than your current one.
No matter what don't give up! Keep pushing forward and try to save as much money as you can. When I started writing down all the money I spend and on what I never realized how much I spent picking up something here or there, getting a lunch, a soda, etc. As stated above you can also talk to a lawyer about if you filed for divorce what you would be able to get and if that would help you get on your feet.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Sunshine, Sea Breeze & Palm Trees
Posts: 282
Hi yogugurl,
in my experience, I physically uprooted myself, packed all my stuff, and left the state where my addict was. It sealed the deal. He couldnt find me, and the distance made my codependency hard to practice. It also helped that he was arrested and put in jail then prison during the last few days of my moving. I had to learn to live life in a new way... to focus on myself again.
Any way you can file for divorce/separation and leave the state or move somewhere where you'll have a good support system? Contact families out of state and see if anyone can help.
in my experience, I physically uprooted myself, packed all my stuff, and left the state where my addict was. It sealed the deal. He couldnt find me, and the distance made my codependency hard to practice. It also helped that he was arrested and put in jail then prison during the last few days of my moving. I had to learn to live life in a new way... to focus on myself again.
Any way you can file for divorce/separation and leave the state or move somewhere where you'll have a good support system? Contact families out of state and see if anyone can help.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Yogagurl, I know how frustrating it is when you do as much as you can to change your situation and nothing happens.
Life has taught me that I am led to where I am supposed to be. Maybe you are supposed to move out of state, maybe there is another job just waiting for you to apply, maybe tomorrow a new idea will present itself and you will be glad you are not tied to the job you didn't get...trust life, trust the process and trust God.
When we do our part and keep our hearts and minds open, the path will be put before us and it will be a good path and just what we need...just when we need to see it.
You are willing and brave, you will be okay, I promise.
Hugs
Life has taught me that I am led to where I am supposed to be. Maybe you are supposed to move out of state, maybe there is another job just waiting for you to apply, maybe tomorrow a new idea will present itself and you will be glad you are not tied to the job you didn't get...trust life, trust the process and trust God.
When we do our part and keep our hearts and minds open, the path will be put before us and it will be a good path and just what we need...just when we need to see it.
You are willing and brave, you will be okay, I promise.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: NY
Posts: 5
I am so sorry to hear about your interview and your situation. 
but keep praying and seeking God, that's all you really can do. I have always believed in the saying "God never gives you more than you can handle". Maybe this interview didn't go well because something even better is lying ahead. Sometimes things dont work out the way we want them to at the time we want them to, but it doesn't mean your chance isn't coming. Just keep trying and stay positive even though things are not going very well. Keep your head up girl, best of luck to you. Ill keep you in my prayers as well!
but keep praying and seeking God, that's all you really can do. I have always believed in the saying "God never gives you more than you can handle". Maybe this interview didn't go well because something even better is lying ahead. Sometimes things dont work out the way we want them to at the time we want them to, but it doesn't mean your chance isn't coming. Just keep trying and stay positive even though things are not going very well. Keep your head up girl, best of luck to you. Ill keep you in my prayers as well!
Last edited by Obsession014; 05-26-2013 at 01:05 AM. Reason: Misspelled dont
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 261
Dear all,
Thank you so very much for all of your responses and words of encouragement. I have found, in practice, that timing really is everything. It's just in the middle of this turmoil, you look up at the sky and ask "Why?!" Why can't I have peace? Why have I given so much of myself financially, spiritually, physically, and financially for what seems like total disregard of my efforts? These are the things that I question. I know that my husband loves me and that, if it were not for the depth of his drug addiction, we have the ability to do great things with our lives together. He won't get help and I can't live in chaos, which makes the fact that I must leave inevitable. I just want peace, for both of us. But it will take years of treatment and recovery for him to become balanced within both his mind a and spirit.
As far as moving is concerned, I am not ready to cut ties so completely with him. I would gladly move out of town, but in my profession, this area is where I'm really going to thrive in my career. I have worked so hard for the things that I have right now, it would be devastating to have to sell everything and pick up again. I have recently started looking at the options of rooming with someone and that wasn't an option that I had considered before. I'm a simple person who would be ideal on a nice piece of farm land that my animals could enjoy. I found something this morning that seemed like a nice fit and am waiting to hear back from the home owners. I will keep everyone posted and again, I thank you for all of your support, prayers and responses.
Love and light,
YG
Thank you so very much for all of your responses and words of encouragement. I have found, in practice, that timing really is everything. It's just in the middle of this turmoil, you look up at the sky and ask "Why?!" Why can't I have peace? Why have I given so much of myself financially, spiritually, physically, and financially for what seems like total disregard of my efforts? These are the things that I question. I know that my husband loves me and that, if it were not for the depth of his drug addiction, we have the ability to do great things with our lives together. He won't get help and I can't live in chaos, which makes the fact that I must leave inevitable. I just want peace, for both of us. But it will take years of treatment and recovery for him to become balanced within both his mind a and spirit.
As far as moving is concerned, I am not ready to cut ties so completely with him. I would gladly move out of town, but in my profession, this area is where I'm really going to thrive in my career. I have worked so hard for the things that I have right now, it would be devastating to have to sell everything and pick up again. I have recently started looking at the options of rooming with someone and that wasn't an option that I had considered before. I'm a simple person who would be ideal on a nice piece of farm land that my animals could enjoy. I found something this morning that seemed like a nice fit and am waiting to hear back from the home owners. I will keep everyone posted and again, I thank you for all of your support, prayers and responses.
Love and light,
YG
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