wanttobehealthy

We had the hearing yesterday for the final RO petition and the judge threw out xAH's request for a RO on me (filed after he had one put on him after being arrested for assaulting me several weeks ago) but also did NOT grant me a permanent one for the next year because in his estimation (the judge) xAH doesn't pose an imminent danger. The only thing I got was that xAH can not come to the house for the next 30 days and during this next month if he violates that we will go back to court and the judge will re-asses the permanent RO.

I had the dom violence advocate from the prosecutors office there with me (no lawyer bc I don't have any more money to pay him right now).

I had copious notes, screen shots printed out of texts, emails, even a witness to prior threatening behavior. The judge didn't want to see/hear any of it. I asked to have contact limited to email, texts and ONLY be about the girls and that wasn't granted. The judge stated that he "trusts" us both to put the girls needs first and interact respectfully etc... Yeah right.

It lasted all of about 10 min. (the hearing)

I know I should be grateful for getting something but the past few weeks of NO texts, no calls, no contact have been peaceful.

No surprise that last night, alcohol fueled no doubt, the texts started. I glanced at them bc if they were about the girls I wasn't going to be accused of ignoring his requests for time etc...

They were insulting, name calling, accusatory (total projection and telling me he is frightened of me and hopes my emotional instability will be addressed or he may be forced to continue to seek a RO against me because I am a danger to myself and our daughters).

I called the prosecutors office this morning and asked the advocate at what point do these texts become harassment. She said that I would be best to save them, not reply (duh!) and bring it all with me when we go back in 30 days.

I sent him one text last night. It read:

"I will communicate with you about times to schedule seeing the girls, drop off and pick up location and any health/medical/schedule needs or issues that have to do with the girls. I will not reply to anything other than concrete matters that involve our daughters. I am turning off my phone so if there is a matter that MUST be addressed regarding the girls, I will get back to you in the morning".

When I got up today there were 14 new messages. All insulting. None having to do with the girls.

I had a peaceful few weeks and am fighting back tears today bc of this. I don't want to have any part of his craziness in my life. I don't want to have to have contact. I don't want to have to try and not let his words get to me.

I feel like I try to be strong ALL THE TIME and inside today I feel like I am VERY close to crumbling. I was bawling last night when the texts starting coming from him-- not bc of what they said (though that was part of it) but because of the change so immediately from having NO contact and how nice it was to having to deal with his flavor of crazy again...

I just needed to get this off my chest and "talk" about it... Thanks for listening...

I am at this moment making plans to go away for a night with the girls this weekend and just be out of town and am looking forward to that.

LexieCat

Well, THAT sucks.

I agree with the advocate. Keep documenting and do not let up. Sometimes it takes a while for clueless judges to get what's going on, but when they see patterns emerging, it can make a difference.

Have someone take photos of each of the texts on your phone--with a digital camera that records the time/date they were taken. Seriously. The phone companies do not preserve text messages and the photos can be the best way to prove them.

wanttobehealthy

I figured out (quite by accident actually) how to take a screen shot of each page of texts (and xAH has the read receipt feature turned on on his phone so I can see that he has received and read my texts which makes it handy for when he claims I did not communicate something).

So, I have each and every text from the last many many months saved in iPhoto (and backed up to my external hard drive).

The judge did not seem interested in the past ones yesterday but I am keeping all the ones from the next 30 days and hopefully if they continue as last nights did that will matter when we go back.

It's exhausting to not get help from the court... I guess he will have to do something worse than the stuff he's already done(?) before the idiot court system here holds him accountable.

No wonder he thinks he is "special"... he is given more chances by the law than he deserves and it sucks for me and the girls.

Tuffgirl

Damn legal system. There MUST be a reason why the judge thinks you two will "work it out".

I can say ignore the texts until my face turns blue - we all know its never that easy.

But do keep a record. I know there is ways to pull texts off a phone - but it takes an IT person to do that. Lexie is right - take screenshots that show the time and date stamp. All you can do at this point is ignore and document.

Can your court advocate also be present at any kid pickups/dropoffs? Or someone who can act as a witness?

wanttobehealthy

The idiot judge (whose son was coached by AH in the sport he coaches at the high school) decided that we could decide on our own a mututally agreed upon meeting spot. I already asked the advocate if there's anything she can do to have a different judge sit on the bench when we come back bc I see a conflict of interest. She said she would relay my concern but that I should not expect a change because judges are trained to be objective and just bc AH coached the judges kid doesn't indicate bias. I disagree.

One guess how well the "agree on a drop off place" thing is going.

I suggested the police station.

He said no.

He suggested the corner of my street and I said no. He also suggested I bring them to him at HIS apt. I also said no.

I am not backing down on the police station. It's not an option for me to do it anywhere but there. There are many things I will bend on, but this is not one. That's what probably prompted the vile texts last night.

4MyBoys

WTBH,

I am so sorry. I know how emotionally draining the barrage of emails and texts can be. I am really surprised that the judge did not see this as harassment. But as you made a Freudian slip above in your first message, maybe he is a just a re-"asses".

Just keep documenting. It took almost a year for my harassment issues to be taken really seriously. Document the times he does not bother you also. Look for patterns. Try hard to keep moving forward making your and your girls life positive and he will have a slip up the courts cannot ignore.

When you meet for exchanges, make sure you have another adult with you, regardless of where it is if you can. Keep you phone handy and set up to film video, just in case it is necessary.

He is pushing a dangerous line, and he will make a mistake that will cost him. Just be ready for it.

I worry for you. Take care,
4MyBoys

dandylion

Dear wtbh---I don't know what state you live in, but it must be somewhere o n the edge of H***!!!!!

Sorry, whth, but when I hear how the legal system fails to protect us and our children it interferes seriously with my normally sweet and gentle personality. ARRRRGHhh.

dandylion

wanttobehealthy

I would like to think tha this is unique to my state but I have a friend in CO and she is finding that narcissistic, lying, manipulative addicts (her charming spouse is a drug addict) can get away with anything just like me. So there are at least 2 states that suck.

I am exhausted.

CompletelyLost4

So sorry that you are going through this, because I too understand how draining the texts/calls/etc. are, even if you don't reply. And I am also worried for you. Keep documenting. Seriously - how ballsy is it of him to start with the crappy texts less than 24 hours after you left court? He knows you're going back in 30 days, yet he continues to be insulting. This guy must think he's untouchable, and that makes me leary. My STBXAH is like that - anytime he hears no it's like a complete shock. Sense of entitlement, big time.

Take care of yourself and your girls and keep documenting! I hope the next 29 days go smoothly!

Tryingtoletgo3

My state is on the list of backwards, let the addict bully and harrass and we will just give him rights left and right states too. Frustrating!! I know what you are having to deal with right now and how absolutely horrifying it is. Hang in there. Keep documenting. Good luck.

theuncertainty

I don't even know what to say... I'm so sorry. Big, big bear hug, WTBH.

LadyInLimbo

I can relate to what you are going through. I was lucky to get my RO, but my AH keeps walking through it. The DV detective flat out told me to jail him would mean he'd like go on a hunger strike for pity or something.

I don't get it, either. These people are supposed to see stuff like this every day, be trained...why don't they get that such situations are horribly damaging for you?

I am sorry for what you are going through. I wish I could send solidarity through the computer screen. It's like this in my state, too.

LadyInLimbo

I think the only reason I got mine is because my husband got scared and agreed to it. Sucks to be him, he's bound by it now.

Still, situations like this shouldn't be treated as "y'all two go work this out." Um, this is obviously a situation where that is extremely hard to do without a neutral party with some legal power behind them.

lillamy

I so wish I had ES&H here... I'm sitting right next to you in tears saying "this sucks. Great. Gigantic. Donkey. Turds."

I hate that there is so little protection for us. I hate that DESPITE EVIDENCE of physical violence, you cannot get a RO.

That is just wrong and screwed up.

You will get it eventually - your genius ex will see to that with his ongoing harassment - but I hate that it's going to drag out even longer.

Hugs.

wicked

4MyBoys said it best.
He will continue because he thinks he is invincible.
Record this idiot's every single word.
Think of him with a shovel, each vile word is another shovel full of dirt for his grave.
He keeps digging.
You keep smiling and being nice.
30 days? WTBH, you can do this standing on your head.
I have NO doubt you will do this and get what you want.
He cannot help but make an ass out of himself.
You have an advocate and now, more and more people are aware of his sickness.
The circle gets wider.

Stay strong. I know you can do it.

Beth