where am I? oh that's right! here I am! :)

Old 05-24-2013, 09:31 AM
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hmmm well I've been kinda quiet lately, and honestly, I think that is a good thing. But I just need to vent -_-

D's mother is a hot mess. He told her I broke up with him but not to worry, he will be ok.

she then went nuts on me asking how I could do this when he is so fresh in his recovery, I need to not be so clingy cuz he needs space to grow etc and soforth but that doesn't mean I should have dropped him like a hat, what happened? blah blah blah...
I tried to drop it and not discuss it with her.. she was so angry anyway that he has been ignoring her now that he got what he wanted out of her. After her not accepting that I didn't want to talk about it I told her to shut her trap. I didn't want to discuss it with her. She proceeded to tell me she is the adult and I am the child and I needed to respect her and not to speak to her that way.
I lost it.

I screamed into the phone. NO. you are NOT my PARENT. I am NOT a CHILD. I am FULLY GROWN. I do NOT appreciate being talked down to in this way by another so called ADULT. Forgive me if I am wrong, But I am NOT D. This is NOT a parent/child conversation. You wanna know what happened!? I went in to go to the bathroom and found two USED trays of heroin and a tooter in the toilet because your Junkie ( oh god forgive me for calling names I was just soooo pissed) son was too blown out of his mind to remember to flush it. I asked him to come fix the toilet for me, and when he saw it, I said this isn't cool D are you just gonna live this way? He exploded and told me to leave. He said He needed someone who could accept him the way he is. Someone who could look the other way. someone who could help him. someone more like his mother. Im sorry "mom" but when I stand in judgement I don't want to have to explain to God, master of the universe why I stayed in denial and enabled him. and at the top of my lungs I screamed AS FOR ME AND MY HOUSE [ her name]

and she hung up on me. AND rightly so. I really b!tched her out.

not exactly shining recovery on my part but geeze....

grandma called and said its ok. Not to worry. His mom just wants me to fix him. She wants to fix him. We can't change either of them.

He came to church Wednesday. obviously in withdrawl, but not clean. Its like he purposefully doesn't use on those days. whatever. that's not recovery.

He is not angry I told his mom these things. He said I triggered a codie meltdown though. She has driven by his house when he lied to her and said he was at work, she has shown up knocking on the door at 6 am "just to check on him" blowing up his phone, begging yelling crying on the voicemail.

but she won't talk to me, or anyone. She won't rest until she gets whatever it is she wants out of D.

and he isn't giving it.

Im so glad she is leaving me alone.

part of me is glad he said I was in the right to tell her off. Im glad he told me he is glad I don't do those things to him anymore (boy oh boy I used to before he want into the salvation army. I even hunted him down and drug him out of the dopehouse once. I think I've called him literally 50 - 70 times in a night. wasted gallons of gas looking for him... sick... freaking sick)

He asked me why I don't drive him insane like that anymore.

I laughed and said "I thought you WANTED a partner like your mother? look D... I don't let YOU drive ME insane anymore."

he looked at me dumbfounded. He is so thick. ugh he's such a tool.

I also wished him luck in finding a girl who loves god (which he says is a must) is willing to enable him and also does not have codie meltdowns.

she doesn't exist.

He told me:
"even though I hate you, Dr Jeckle will always love you. You are my enemy, not his."

to me this is admission of him being in active addiction. By calling himself Mr. Hyde.

It has always been easier for him to be "honest" with metaphors.
another one is the scene from the movie Liar Liar. remember when Jim Carey tries to say the pen is red when really it is blue and can't? He rarely will answer yes, I have used. But seems to be able to say Yes. the pen is blue. Instead of saying ugh D! using looks like using. I would say D! The pen is blue! I have eyes and so do you we both know the pen is blue. and for some reason... his mind can admit the metaphor but not say the actual words... baffling isn't it?

well then maybe some of the things I say do sink into his thick skull.

I put on a fake British accent (manipulative of me I know)

"It's been a pleasure speaking with you Mr. Hyde, but a respectable lady like myself must not be seen with you without a chaperone. If you should happen to see Dr Jeckle, give him my regards. As for you, may the Lord send you back to hello there you belong."

I don't know why he hugged me. Hate the addiction. Love the person. maybe he understood that's what I was saying.

I went home that night and here and now here I am. ignoring the two calls I have gotten. and the 3 texts. Im not ready to block him completely. why? I don't know.

thanks for letting me vent. hugs to all of you
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Old 05-24-2013, 09:58 AM
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wanting a partner just like your mom-- questionable. just like your enabling mom? nuh-uh!
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Old 05-24-2013, 10:05 AM
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sigh. what am I getting out of this? I really need to start working on myself again. it feels good to be NC from his mom.

the convo on Wednesday lasted about 5 min.

but still. God is good. life is good. I can say that I am happy.
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Old 05-24-2013, 10:34 AM
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sigh. what am I getting out of this? I really need to start working on myself again. it feels good to be NC from his mom.

the convo on Wednesday lasted about 5 min.

but still. God is good. life is good. I can say that I am happy.
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Old 05-24-2013, 10:35 AM
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stupid phone my bad for double posting
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Old 05-24-2013, 12:32 PM
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Lily
As the mother of an addict.....I can only hope that my son (should he ever decide to get into a relationship again) find a woman with courage and boundaries.

I'm sorry that you had such a terrible interaction with D's Mom.....she is also in active addiction......because that's what codependence is........addiction.

Perhaps someday they will both find peace and recovery.....until then.....I hope you find serenity in your own.

gentle hugs
ke
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Old 05-24-2013, 01:55 PM
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I'm glad a child is not involved. I wish you a good long while of peaceful solitude, Lily. It has been long overdue.
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Old 05-24-2013, 02:02 PM
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Originally Posted by EnglishGarden View Post
I'm glad a child is not involved. I wish you a good long while of peaceful solitude, Lily. It has been long overdue.
I have children of my own to care for, but he is not allowed to be around them. ever.

he begs to see them. says he misses them...

no.
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Old 05-24-2013, 04:00 PM
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maybe you need to expand that no contact thing....
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Old 05-24-2013, 04:28 PM
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII View Post
maybe you need to expand that no contact thing....
I think you may be right.

English Garden had a very good read on the F&F of alcoholics side...

she said we are afraid of the finality of them never coming back.

I think she hit the nail on the head for me.

Im having a hard time accepting this. Im wrestling with it.

wondering why some women stay in the same house with alcoholics and society thinks none the less of it... but not addicts...

how? please tell me how in the world an alcoholic is any different??

(sigh)

so what do I do? cold shoulder him even more? get up and move on Sunday when he comes and sits next to me? simply not engage in a conversation after the service?

what are my motives in NC? Fear of enabling by talking to him at all.

sure his mom pissed me off, but I can't really say he robs my peace...

oh man...

now Im the one quaking...
:,(
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Old 05-24-2013, 04:32 PM
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lily...do you have the link to that post about the finality? i think i need to read that. twice. thank you.
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Old 05-24-2013, 04:35 PM
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how do I do that from my phone?
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Old 05-24-2013, 04:56 PM
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ooh...not sure. i'll go see if i can find it on my own...
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Old 05-24-2013, 05:04 PM
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Originally Posted by mstrust View Post
ooh...not sure. i'll go see if i can find it on my own...
mstrust, I know it was just posted on someone's thread today, if that helps...
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Old 05-24-2013, 05:05 PM
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i just found it, thank you. and i am going to read it more than twice, i decided. thank you EnglishGarden...and Lily. really, really needed that one.
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Old 05-24-2013, 05:14 PM
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lily...instead of trying to figure the seating arrangements at church....how about you write down what YOU value in life, what YOU hold dear...YOUR values, morals and ethics. if life is a road trip, what do you take with you? if you have 5 minutes to grab all you hold dear from your home before disaster strikes, what do you take?

then....look at this person who has created so much confusion, angst and grief in your life and truthfully assess if he FITS into your Life Operating System.......or not.

those who we allow into our lives should enhance it in some way. when I volunteer with United Way to help the needy and less fortunate, I GAIN from that by giving FREELY of myself and being able to walk away having grown and been humbled. I don't bring them home with me and try to CHANGE them...I simply give of my time talents and treasures and hope I made a small difference.

who's driving your bus honey?
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Old 05-24-2013, 05:53 PM
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no. it doesn't. There was a time I booted my "brother" for heroin use in my home. Before that I booted my brother by blood for driving drunk...

where in the world did I begin to compromise?

also... ok... this is a sick codependent thought but I want to voice it.

won't he resent me MORE if I allow this? in the event that he ever does get clean?

who am I afraid of losing more? Mr. Hyde???? really??? wouldn't Jeckle Hate me if I cheated on him with Hyde?

Then back to me...

why in the world he still in my mind?

I need to do the steps all over again.
deeply.

I know that I am powerless over his decisions. I haven't been trying to change him. but just the same I am powerless over thinking about him. missing him. wishing him to come back to sobriety.
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Old 05-24-2013, 06:08 PM
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Nytepassion--an F&F forum member and also a recovering addict--always used the best metaphor.

About the actively using addict, she would say, "He's on the bus."

Visualize your addict sitting on a moving bus, looking not out the window but straight ahead. You are racing alongside the bus, alongside his window, frantically calling, waving, anything to get his attention.

But he doesn't look at you, doesn't see or hear you. He's on the bus.

That is someone in active addiction. Anvil's post reminded me of Nytepassion's metaphor.
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Old 05-24-2013, 06:42 PM
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that metaphor is so true! and sad. so very sad.

Accept the things I cannot change.

so be it.
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Old 05-24-2013, 11:12 PM
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Lily,
That 'finality' isn't so bad. The fear was far worse than the
actual. Eventually the NC became final (in a mortal sense).

Regrets? Not really. I chose to remove addiction,
and not allow the disease to hurt me anymore.

When the action is correct, finality doesn't matter.
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