choublak

I'm just now realizing how living with an active A can have a negative impact on self-esteem. Like when they get all angry and defensive trying to protect their addiction. Or when they would rather be out drinking and partying with their friends than with you.

Just something I thought I'd share.

Woohoo

It is a very selfish addiction. They only see the drink or drug. Sad but true. So do things that make your soul thrive ..and decide you have a life too..don't live through his sad one.

Self esteem can be hard when you constantly want something someone else isn't able to give. So give it to yourself. Alcoholics expect people to bend to their whim and get out of the way if they aren't ok with something they do. The constant up and down..Dr. jeckel, Mr hyde personality is hard. I know my hubby has been an A our whole married life.

I myself have had depression, low self worth and days when i wanted to scream and leave...but here i still am. In the last few months I found myself wanting to drink too..if you can't beat it join it. I am getting that under control, I want to love myself enough to not stoop to that level and have a problem myself. It is a crazy dance we dance..sometimes you just don't know what to do.

A good book that is helping me is "Co-dependant no more" you can find it on amazon.


God bless you!

ThethreeCs

Very true, sometimes I down played how much I had been affected by my axbf's drinking. Also, how different it feels to get distance and see how crazy making it was.

Today I was sitting at my desk at work and I remember seeing him after being in the drunk tank. The putrid smell of alcohol coming off him, still being drunk 12 hours later, and making plans with me, and then just cancelling, or not responding, showing up drunk at my house, showing up at work drunk.

He dropped me, with a straight face, no remorse. Just, too bad, got other plans and friends and I don't care about you anymore.

Didn't need me, didn't care about me, didn't want to see me. Full of excuses. New friends, party every night, new clothes, new, new, and FUN!

But, I realize. I can not give anyone power over how I feel about myself. I should never have looked outside myself for my self esteem. That was my first mistake. Also, I should have seen it as it is. Why make an alcoholic, the most important person in my life?

With distance from the disease, and new friends and new hobbies, and time alone, self esteem can be improved. For all those that stay, I applaud you. It takes commitment, and a whole lotta courage to stay and learn to love yourself.

To all of us, loving ourselves is the most important thing. Making YOURSELF the most important person in your life is the only way to move forward.

But, anyone have any good self esteem advice, books that would be helpful?? How to meet new people, or live with an active A, and work on self esteem - tips, hints, books, etc..... advice!

wicked

choublak,

Just with the amount you share here, and your fantastic one-liners sometimes, I can tell
your A is missing out on a lot.
You are very smart and have a sense of humor.
Drinking and partying with friends takes no brain work, no emotional investment, no feelings at all.
You deserve all that and more choublak.

This is where you can practice detachment. I say practice, because I certainly have no corner on detachment. LOL
Let his bad vibes fall dead on the floor. And do not pick them up. Even for curiosities sake, or for any reason. Any discussion will go no where.

Beth

Tuffgirl

Living with anyone who is angry and defensive all the time takes its toll, no matter how strong one's sense of self may be.

Add an angry alcoholic into the mix and katy-bar the door.....

I had a very hard time not taking it personally. Even with Al-Anon and therapy and posting here...shoot...there is only so much one can take before you break, ya know?!

Doing things for myself helped a lot. Finding the small things in life that offered me some peace and serenity. Learning how to not take it personally (still challenging but doable!) finding faith, and having people to talk to all helped as well.

peacedove

yes, you are correct. i wish i could get the time back i wasted but i can not. oh, there is always, always plenty of "friends"(but are they really, truly friends??)for them to hang out with and do their thing. oh, mine would always be sure and plan for me to come along, too, but hey--who wants to do that all the time(other than the A)? so you can either go in order to join them OR you can spend time without your partner. well, well, well...hindsight i should have hit the road BUT i did not. thing is you want to be with someone so you can spend time together, right? have to find THAT person who is right for YOU. waiting does not change them. i think plenty of people here can vouch to that! come between or say something to get in the way of what they want and you will be left behind. ya know what though?? i'm discovering being left behind is not bad! i never wanted that life. i never will. did i ever enjoy the time i spent with the friends/he and his friends/while the party was going? NO. I did not. I tolerated it. YUCK on me! it was absolute nonsense going on and it never failed i was bored to death almost.
i love to laugh. i love to have fun. i love to be happy. but i do it naturally. not their way. and i'm content to be with me these days. took some adjusting and i continue to try and work on it because i'm not where i want to be yet but guess what?? i'm not where i was either!
i do hope you find your happiness and someone who is a good mate, too!

firebolt

Yeah

He's chosen a $12 half gallon of vodka over:
quality time with me
over the possibility of needing to drive me to the hospital when i was in health crisis
over family holidays
over family time in general
over intimate times with me
over times i needed a partner because of a death of a friend
over spending time with me in a place that I love and hold dear
over memorable talks with me
over gatherings with friends
over sharing happy or sad times with me
over maintaining his hygiene so I don't have to live with a stink bomb
over driving me somewhere safely, ever really

Fun times - yeah, it's degrading...
The person you love the most, and want to love you the most, actually loves alcohol more than anything. If it didn't affect our self esteem, we probably wouldn't be with them.

Sorry - negative nancy here - miserable night last night.

Wishful133

Firebolt - your post really got me. I can so identify with that.

choublak

Well, it's like, and then I apply for a job but don't get hired, that doesn't help my self esteem either.

MTSlideAddict

In addition to constantly being backseat to alcohol all the time, it was the hurtful attacks at my self confidents that broke me.

One of the most hurtful things to my self esteem said by my A was when he was giving one of his regular arguments of how I didn't give him enough sexual attention. He started by saying that he turns down offers from girls all the time because of me. Then he continued by saying that he's not attracted to me anymore anyway, and that he forces himself to have sex with me FOR me. He went on by asking what guy would want a girl that looks pregnant all the time anyway (this was started from a comment I shared with him from a complete stranger when I was in my work uniform asking me when I was due). I have insecurities about my appearance, and he played on them a lot. I cried for hours even after he passed out. He didn't remember a thing the next day, but I did. I ALWAYS do. I finally brought it up in marriage counseling one day, and it was just as raw for me to talk about months after then it was the day it happened.

Before long you believe the craziness.

NYCDoglvr

What I learned is that in order to have self-esteem, I had to make "esteemable" acts. It wasn't until I left the relationship and dealt with my codependency that I felt good about myself.