34 days in the throes and rainbows of recovery. Is sobriety the drug of the future?
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Join Date: May 2013
Location: Los Angeles
Posts: 1
34 days in the throes and rainbows of recovery. Is sobriety the drug of the future?
Hello. I finally joined this site but have been reading the posts since I quit drinking 34 days ago and have found it to be really helpful. I've done it without AA and am now thinking about going to meetings. This is bigger than I had imagined.
I don't typically blog or FB, so this is strange for me. So far, I've discussed my experiences with friends. I have a really good group of supportive friends, some recovering alcoholics, some that have never drank alcohol, but also a lot of alcoholic friends, whom I haven't seen as much lately.
Since quitting, some of my friends admitted to me that they thought I had a problem. In fact, some of them have told me in the past, but I had to quit when I was ready. (That is where the relationship comes into the story later.) My alcoholic friends would say I didn't really have a problem, obviously. Red flag. I am also having a hard time with my best friend, a good friend, a creative collaborator and my enabler. We loved to drink together. I want to preach to her and I know she has to do it when she is ready. We both are clearly alcoholics.
To set the stage, here were my habits over the past 12 years, maybe-- more intensely, the past 4 years and red flags that fell in front of my rapidly fogging diluted eyes appeared in the past 6 months:
I black out. All the time. I just "fall asleep". In public. It is embarrassing. Although, I never remember "the end" and my friends would get me home safe, which I feel really terrible now about the dead weight they were responsible for after I was irresponsible for the 5 bourbons I downed. They never complained to me. "You were fine, babe. You just fell asleep." I'd wake up and regret "missing the party"-- not missing the brain cells, not missing a decent present social reputation, not missing the trust of loved ones who would worry about me-- I missed finishing a bottle of whiskey with my wild friends... oh, the stories, they'd tell... Since being sober, I've been around my drunk friends, and those nights are far from wild or epic. They are dull and non-productive and I think about all I could have accomplished in my drunken time-warp-suck-blackhole... blackout hole.
I'd drink almost every night. Although, I didn't drink as much as my friends. Red flag. Maybe my iron stomach was not as strong because I eat like a bird. I am a lightweight. I would take 3 days off sometimes to recharge before a string of events in my social calendar, where I knew copious amounts of alcohol would be not only swirling in shiny glasses around me at the event, but I would "pre-game" to rid myself of any social anxieties. I am "fun party girl" and people expected me to be just that. In these 34 days at shows or events, some drinking friends look at me like I'm an alien. Maybe I am one right now. Relearning how to be human. To walk and talk and deal with emotions.
If I was excited, I'd drink. If I was sad, I'd drink. If I met a new boy, if I broke up, if I got a new project, if it was Tuesday... I'd drink. In the end, it became something I needed, to curb a possible anxiety attack. At work... a little water bottle filled with vodka in my bag, just in case. If I worked from home I'd have a 3pm cocktail. Weekends, I'd start earlier with brunch that would work it's way into a wasted day. On dates with the new guy in my life (someone a bit older than me that never drank or did drugs in his life), I'd bring that same bottle, just in case. I was like a boy scout from the dark side. Always prepared for something to happen where alcohol was absolutely necessary to get through it. You just never knew... -?!?! What was I thinking?!!
I may have lost that guy to my alcoholism. And now, sober, I see that he was probably the best fit a man could ever be for me. He is the guy I've looked around every corner for. I couldn't even see him, probably because he couldn't fit into my favorite bourbon bottle at my local liquor store.
In my thirties, he is the reason I waited so long to settle. And I let him slip through, I held onto a whiskey glass tighter than I held onto someone really extraordinary and special. Ultimately, with silver lining in mind, he lead me to quit drinking. He didn't ask me to quit or judge me. He asked me questions about consciousness. And seeing all of his amazing accomplishments realized and achieved, I was inspired to make that first choice, 34 days ago to not drink. I bought a journal and could not stop writing for hours. After I drew the pen from 50 or so pages deep into my still-store-bought-new-smell composition book, I realized alcohol touched and negatively affected every single thread of my life and being.
I started this experience, thinking I'd just take a break from drinking, but now realizing who I was and how I let all the good things in my life pass me by, I want sobriety to be my new lifestyle. I want to feel everything. I have never been happier. I've never wanted to work harder for something. I can not believe how much I've missed during my unaccountable and diluted time in the past-- the same wristwatch that now has slowed down to allow every valuable second of actual present living to sink into my senses and I weep from the beauty of it. Is sobriety the new drug of the future?
x
I don't typically blog or FB, so this is strange for me. So far, I've discussed my experiences with friends. I have a really good group of supportive friends, some recovering alcoholics, some that have never drank alcohol, but also a lot of alcoholic friends, whom I haven't seen as much lately.
Since quitting, some of my friends admitted to me that they thought I had a problem. In fact, some of them have told me in the past, but I had to quit when I was ready. (That is where the relationship comes into the story later.) My alcoholic friends would say I didn't really have a problem, obviously. Red flag. I am also having a hard time with my best friend, a good friend, a creative collaborator and my enabler. We loved to drink together. I want to preach to her and I know she has to do it when she is ready. We both are clearly alcoholics.
To set the stage, here were my habits over the past 12 years, maybe-- more intensely, the past 4 years and red flags that fell in front of my rapidly fogging diluted eyes appeared in the past 6 months:
I black out. All the time. I just "fall asleep". In public. It is embarrassing. Although, I never remember "the end" and my friends would get me home safe, which I feel really terrible now about the dead weight they were responsible for after I was irresponsible for the 5 bourbons I downed. They never complained to me. "You were fine, babe. You just fell asleep." I'd wake up and regret "missing the party"-- not missing the brain cells, not missing a decent present social reputation, not missing the trust of loved ones who would worry about me-- I missed finishing a bottle of whiskey with my wild friends... oh, the stories, they'd tell... Since being sober, I've been around my drunk friends, and those nights are far from wild or epic. They are dull and non-productive and I think about all I could have accomplished in my drunken time-warp-suck-blackhole... blackout hole.
I'd drink almost every night. Although, I didn't drink as much as my friends. Red flag. Maybe my iron stomach was not as strong because I eat like a bird. I am a lightweight. I would take 3 days off sometimes to recharge before a string of events in my social calendar, where I knew copious amounts of alcohol would be not only swirling in shiny glasses around me at the event, but I would "pre-game" to rid myself of any social anxieties. I am "fun party girl" and people expected me to be just that. In these 34 days at shows or events, some drinking friends look at me like I'm an alien. Maybe I am one right now. Relearning how to be human. To walk and talk and deal with emotions.
If I was excited, I'd drink. If I was sad, I'd drink. If I met a new boy, if I broke up, if I got a new project, if it was Tuesday... I'd drink. In the end, it became something I needed, to curb a possible anxiety attack. At work... a little water bottle filled with vodka in my bag, just in case. If I worked from home I'd have a 3pm cocktail. Weekends, I'd start earlier with brunch that would work it's way into a wasted day. On dates with the new guy in my life (someone a bit older than me that never drank or did drugs in his life), I'd bring that same bottle, just in case. I was like a boy scout from the dark side. Always prepared for something to happen where alcohol was absolutely necessary to get through it. You just never knew... -?!?! What was I thinking?!!
I may have lost that guy to my alcoholism. And now, sober, I see that he was probably the best fit a man could ever be for me. He is the guy I've looked around every corner for. I couldn't even see him, probably because he couldn't fit into my favorite bourbon bottle at my local liquor store.
In my thirties, he is the reason I waited so long to settle. And I let him slip through, I held onto a whiskey glass tighter than I held onto someone really extraordinary and special. Ultimately, with silver lining in mind, he lead me to quit drinking. He didn't ask me to quit or judge me. He asked me questions about consciousness. And seeing all of his amazing accomplishments realized and achieved, I was inspired to make that first choice, 34 days ago to not drink. I bought a journal and could not stop writing for hours. After I drew the pen from 50 or so pages deep into my still-store-bought-new-smell composition book, I realized alcohol touched and negatively affected every single thread of my life and being.
I started this experience, thinking I'd just take a break from drinking, but now realizing who I was and how I let all the good things in my life pass me by, I want sobriety to be my new lifestyle. I want to feel everything. I have never been happier. I've never wanted to work harder for something. I can not believe how much I've missed during my unaccountable and diluted time in the past-- the same wristwatch that now has slowed down to allow every valuable second of actual present living to sink into my senses and I weep from the beauty of it. Is sobriety the new drug of the future?
x
Crazy Cat Lady
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 2,661
The pink cloud of early sobriety can be a bit overwhelming. You see now that you don't have to live your life under the rule of King Alcohol. You feel liberated. You finally feel free. That black dog isn't growling at you heels anymore and it's a whole new life ahead of you. Here's the problem. The pink cloud is just that. A cloud. Clouds don't last forever and when that cloud fades away you'd better have something solid to fall back on. The steps of AA and the fellowship are what many people count on. There are many other recovery techniques out there if AA isn't for you. I'm really glad you've found this amazing new way to live. Sobriety isn't always chocolate and roses but it's so much better than our lives under the all powerful reign of alcohol. Just be sure that you don't count on stumbling blindly through sobriety. Have a plan, have something to fall back on. Going back to alcohol might sound insane to you now but i can almost guarantee that there will come a day where it sounds kinda sane. When that day comes, have something solid under your feet to help you choose a continued life of abstinance and sobriety.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Eire
Posts: 211
Well done Now. And thank you for sharing your story. I'm 3 months in and it just gets better! I Started with SR. A couple of weeks in, I began attending meetings (not AA), now I just added AA meetings to my plan. I wasn't ready to do that at the beginning, now I'm ready to try out different avenues to keep this up and I realize I do need further help to continue. Being around like minders really helps me. Very best wishes to you and again well done as I know it takes stamina and basically hard work. Welcome 
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 5,937
Welcome to SR!
It's funny, so many of us know we have to stop but postpone the big decision out of fear. We fear life will be a prison without alcohol to free us- free us from our inhibitions, our fears and the monotony of daily life. Basically we use it to free us from ourselves. But the reality is that alcohol is a dangerous tool and a fearful master. In the end we become its servant, just a slave to that bottle. The reality is that the freedom we seek in the bottle can only be truly found once we lay the bottle down and walk away. Only in sobriety is there true freedom.
It's funny, so many of us know we have to stop but postpone the big decision out of fear. We fear life will be a prison without alcohol to free us- free us from our inhibitions, our fears and the monotony of daily life. Basically we use it to free us from ourselves. But the reality is that alcohol is a dangerous tool and a fearful master. In the end we become its servant, just a slave to that bottle. The reality is that the freedom we seek in the bottle can only be truly found once we lay the bottle down and walk away. Only in sobriety is there true freedom.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 388
Welcome to SR! I joined about 7 months ago after 13 days sober. I do not believe I would have been able to maintain sobriety if not for SR and all the great members. I still read SR everyday, and post many days. I highly recommend joining the June class. The November 2018 class was critical to me staying sober in the beginning.
Member
Join Date: May 2019
Location: Midwest
Posts: 51
Originally Posted by PippoRossi 
You are an amazing writer, your story really drew me in. Welcome!
FT
Member
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 1,312
Originally Posted by PippoRossi
You are an amazing writer, your story really drew me in. Welcome!
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