All good things...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Ware
Posts: 22
All good things...
Well, after nearly 2 months of being clean - my brother fell off the wagon again. I had let him move back in after he went to a 30 day program. He followed all the house rules, was doing so well. He got a job that he really likes and even found an apartment that he's supposed to move in to next week. But last night, he used crack again.
Why is anyone's guess - things have been stressful, no doubt; our father is in the hospital with a very serious condition that came out of the blue - but I really thought my brother could handle it. I knew something was up last night though - his whole personality changes when he uses, hell, even his voice changes.
This morning, I found the little knotted up baggies in his car - I woke him up and confronted him. He admitted it. I don't know what to do now - do I kick him out again? I don't know if he could move in to his new apartment early or not, or even if he can handle living alone. Before he put the deposit down he said he was nervous about moving out, being away from his support network (us - the apartment is about 30 minutes away, but very close to his job) He put in a call to his substance abuse counselor to be seen today. Hopefully he can get an appointment. He's never responded well to meetings/12 step programs - which his counselor said is not uncommon.
I know I shouldn't be involved the way I am, but it's hard. I have been seeing a counselor myself for my co dependent ways. It's so hard knowing the right thing to do. I know he's frustrated with himself, it's not an act. and I also know how hard it is to have an addiction problem - hell, I cant quit cigarettes successfully, and they don't get me high - so I can only imagine what he is going through. We've talked a lot over the last month or so, and he tells me the cravings are always there, that it's a battle to keep them at bay, even though he knows it will destroy his life if he goes back to it.
Why is anyone's guess - things have been stressful, no doubt; our father is in the hospital with a very serious condition that came out of the blue - but I really thought my brother could handle it. I knew something was up last night though - his whole personality changes when he uses, hell, even his voice changes.
This morning, I found the little knotted up baggies in his car - I woke him up and confronted him. He admitted it. I don't know what to do now - do I kick him out again? I don't know if he could move in to his new apartment early or not, or even if he can handle living alone. Before he put the deposit down he said he was nervous about moving out, being away from his support network (us - the apartment is about 30 minutes away, but very close to his job) He put in a call to his substance abuse counselor to be seen today. Hopefully he can get an appointment. He's never responded well to meetings/12 step programs - which his counselor said is not uncommon.
I know I shouldn't be involved the way I am, but it's hard. I have been seeing a counselor myself for my co dependent ways. It's so hard knowing the right thing to do. I know he's frustrated with himself, it's not an act. and I also know how hard it is to have an addiction problem - hell, I cant quit cigarettes successfully, and they don't get me high - so I can only imagine what he is going through. We've talked a lot over the last month or so, and he tells me the cravings are always there, that it's a battle to keep them at bay, even though he knows it will destroy his life if he goes back to it.
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
He's supposed to move into his apartment next week (that's good). He's checking in with his addiction counselor (that's good).
As codependents, we have a tendency to feel the need to react to everything.....to do something. It is entirely up to you but since he will be moving out in a week anyway, perhaps this may be one of those times that nothing needs to be done right now. It will be taken care of within a few days.
I'm so sorry to hear of your brother's relapse......you will both be in my prayers.
gentle hugs
ke
As codependents, we have a tendency to feel the need to react to everything.....to do something. It is entirely up to you but since he will be moving out in a week anyway, perhaps this may be one of those times that nothing needs to be done right now. It will be taken care of within a few days.
I'm so sorry to hear of your brother's relapse......you will both be in my prayers.
gentle hugs
ke
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Colorado
Posts: 577
Ugh. I'm so sorry Bigbroskeeper. How disheartening for you. I'm certain your brother is frustrated with himself. How he uses this frustration is the key. Will he use it to motivate himself to get back on the horse, more aware of what triggered him? Or will he succumb to the pull of his addiction? I've heard it said relapse is part of this disease and can ultimately propel them towards recognizing there is no "just once". Please know I understand this feeling completely. Sending thoughts of hope and strength your way. Do you attend Al-anon? I have found it's helped me more than I could have dreamed. I hope when my son fully embraces recovery I'll be more aware of where the boundary lies...what is his work....and what is mine. Big hug.
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Ware
Posts: 22
Thank you both for the kind words and prayers. Even though he is supposed to be moving next week, I have re-instituted the rules from when he first moved back in. I will be checking the mileage on the car daily (the car is my mothers spare one that he is allowed to use) as he has a history of lending any vehicle he drives to the drug dealers in exchange for drugs. I know how far it is to his work, the hospital where my dad is and back (he'll be going to the hospital first, then to work, then home); he has to give me his phone when he comes home at night so he cannot call his dealers to get drugs in the middle of the night (he has a history of that as well). For my own sanity the phone thing is a must - he was doing it when he first moved back in, and after a few weeks I told him to keep it because he had built some trust again. I refuse to be worried all night long that he's coming and going in the middle of the night or having dealers meet him outside the house at night again. He is agreeing to all of the above, and seems pretty sincere in his regret.
His plan, when he put the deposit down on the apartment/room, was to spend his days off here still, so he could be close to our parents and me, a combination of wanting to be close to his support network and wanting to spend time with our elderly parents. During the last month or so, he's been spending a lot of time with them (my dad lives with me, and my mom lives a 3 minute walk away), helping my mom, keeping my dad company, etc. He wants to continue that, which is good - and I had told him we'd keep his room here "his room" so he could stay here on his days off - right now, his job is part time, but is supposed to go full time within the next few months. He was worried that having 3 or 4 days off a week and living on his own, he'd have too much time on his hands to try to fill if he didn't come back here, and I have no problems with that, as long as he is clean. I guess it's Idle hands = the devils playground type thing, plus I'm keeping his dog here because when he does work, the dog would be alone all day, and he's not use to that anymore (I'm home all the time, and the dog really enjoys that), and this way he can also spend time with his dog, who he loves dearly.
It is hard for me to get to an al-anon meeting as there are none in my town, and the times they are held in nearby towns do not fit in with my schedule very well (we live in a very rural area), plus, I don't have a car during the day usually (my husband and I only have one car). I do read this board frequently, as well as others that focus on co dependency, and do attend counseling weekly for it. There use to be one in town, but they disbanded it because there were not many members, I believe.
Sorry for rambling - I know I don't post often, unless things are going seriously wrong, but I do read regularly and appreciate this group very much.
His plan, when he put the deposit down on the apartment/room, was to spend his days off here still, so he could be close to our parents and me, a combination of wanting to be close to his support network and wanting to spend time with our elderly parents. During the last month or so, he's been spending a lot of time with them (my dad lives with me, and my mom lives a 3 minute walk away), helping my mom, keeping my dad company, etc. He wants to continue that, which is good - and I had told him we'd keep his room here "his room" so he could stay here on his days off - right now, his job is part time, but is supposed to go full time within the next few months. He was worried that having 3 or 4 days off a week and living on his own, he'd have too much time on his hands to try to fill if he didn't come back here, and I have no problems with that, as long as he is clean. I guess it's Idle hands = the devils playground type thing, plus I'm keeping his dog here because when he does work, the dog would be alone all day, and he's not use to that anymore (I'm home all the time, and the dog really enjoys that), and this way he can also spend time with his dog, who he loves dearly.
It is hard for me to get to an al-anon meeting as there are none in my town, and the times they are held in nearby towns do not fit in with my schedule very well (we live in a very rural area), plus, I don't have a car during the day usually (my husband and I only have one car). I do read this board frequently, as well as others that focus on co dependency, and do attend counseling weekly for it. There use to be one in town, but they disbanded it because there were not many members, I believe.
Sorry for rambling - I know I don't post often, unless things are going seriously wrong, but I do read regularly and appreciate this group very much.
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Colorado
Posts: 577
Hello again, I had a thought while reading your response. Could it be your brother self-sabotaged because he simply isn't ready for the next steps he's set for himself? My son does this a lot. Really wants and pursues something, then right when it's at his fingertips he'll fall and then discredit his pursuit of whatever by saying things such as "I was only doing it for you, I never wanted it for myself"....AFTER he had done all the legwork himself. It sounds like you've taken on a lot of responsiblity for him, checking mileage, policing his phone, etc. Trust me...no judgement here. However; I always tried to keep in mind when I used to be tempted to do more than I should for my son that subconsciously this tells them "even SHE doesn't think I can do this myself". Just some random thoughts, take them for what their worth. Sounds like you've got some plans in place but ultimately....he'll embrace all those things for himself when he is ready. Again, big hug to you today.
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Ware
Posts: 22
We discussed that a little while ago - that maybe his moving out at this point isn't a great idea (as I stated, he was nervous about it). It does sound similar to your son in that he has been under no pressure from me or my husband to move out, and yet he looked for/found the apartment, etc. I believe he's going to ask for his deposit back, he just paid it yesterday, and there are circumstances going on with our dad that the landlord is aware of (him being in the hospital and needing help through recovery process).
As far as the phone/mileage thing, that is less for my brother than for my own sanity. I refuse to have him actively using and living here. When he was using before, it got to a point of him calling his dealer in the middle of the night, going to meet him or having his dealer meet him here and as a result, I turned in to an insomniac because one night, in his high state, he let my indoor cats outside in the middle of winter. When my brother got out of rehab and moved back in, I made it a rule that I had his phone at night so I could sleep without being paranoid that it was going to happen again. It may be a bit too controlling, but it is what I need to feel safe/comfortable enough to sleep. After a few weeks, I stopped taking his phone at night because I could tell he was very serious about recovery. He took steps on his own (without my prompting/badgering) to get help, etc.
Because of his backslide last night, I am back to being a bit paranoid - I'm not trying to control his recovery but I am trying to control what happens in my home. I told him I wont force him to do anything but if he wants to stay here, for now he needs to relinquish the phone at night again. The mileage thing is kind of for the same reason, I can't control him using or not, but I can control whether or not someone who is using is living in my home.
As far as the phone/mileage thing, that is less for my brother than for my own sanity. I refuse to have him actively using and living here. When he was using before, it got to a point of him calling his dealer in the middle of the night, going to meet him or having his dealer meet him here and as a result, I turned in to an insomniac because one night, in his high state, he let my indoor cats outside in the middle of winter. When my brother got out of rehab and moved back in, I made it a rule that I had his phone at night so I could sleep without being paranoid that it was going to happen again. It may be a bit too controlling, but it is what I need to feel safe/comfortable enough to sleep. After a few weeks, I stopped taking his phone at night because I could tell he was very serious about recovery. He took steps on his own (without my prompting/badgering) to get help, etc.
Because of his backslide last night, I am back to being a bit paranoid - I'm not trying to control his recovery but I am trying to control what happens in my home. I told him I wont force him to do anything but if he wants to stay here, for now he needs to relinquish the phone at night again. The mileage thing is kind of for the same reason, I can't control him using or not, but I can control whether or not someone who is using is living in my home.
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 324
If you've been reading here alot, then you know that playing warden probably isn't the answer.
A firm boundary of "I will not allow drugs or an active addict in my home" and then being able to stick to it is the answer.
Drug tests and snooping are not required. We know instantly when our addicts slip, we just don't admit it right away.
Way easier said than done, but it should be the goal.
There is no good reason (excuse) to turn back to drugs no matter how sick a family member may be, or how scared of the real world they are.
It's a numbing cop-out so they don't have to deal with all the adult realities of life.
A firm boundary of "I will not allow drugs or an active addict in my home" and then being able to stick to it is the answer.
Drug tests and snooping are not required. We know instantly when our addicts slip, we just don't admit it right away.
Way easier said than done, but it should be the goal.
There is no good reason (excuse) to turn back to drugs no matter how sick a family member may be, or how scared of the real world they are.
It's a numbing cop-out so they don't have to deal with all the adult realities of life.
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest USA
Posts: 2,284
If he wants to use then he will find a way. As for checking his milage on the car that is a bit controlling. Although I can understand why because he trades the use of the car for a few bags of crack. If it is in your mothers name that can be dangerous. The drug dealers usually use these "rented" cars for very dangerous & illegal activities.
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