Feeling rejected

Old 05-23-2013, 05:53 AM
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Unhappy Feeling rejected

I'm so overwhelmed with emotion right now it's not even funny.

It's been two weeks since my (R)ABF ended the relationship in order to focus on himself in early recovery. Although slightly hurt by the decision, I accepted it.

We've had very little contact since then. We talked about the break-up, and I told him that he didn't have to end things. He said it was best for his recovery and I said okay. After every message, he said something along the lines of: "I'll get in touch with you when I'm done with this".


I went to my first Al-Anon a few days later. It kinda gave me some peace because I was able to express some emotions that I had been feeling. I sent him a message letting him know that I understood that his journey would be long and winding, though I didn't understand the journey itself. I didn't want to sit here and act like I understood what he was going through, because I don't. I've not been in his shoes.

I told him that I cared about him, reminded him that he was a wonderful person, and let him know that I was there for him if he ever needed me. When he got the message, he thanked me and told me that I was great and that we'll reconnect when he's back on track.

I accepted this, and moved on... until yesterday.

Don't get me wrong. I've been battling with feelings of rejection from the beginning. But I tried not to take it personally.

However, yesterday, I reached out to him for help (I had a car accident) and he didn't even respond to my text. At all. Not asking if I was okay or needed anything. Nothing. Part of me knew he wasn't going to respond, but it still stung anyways.

I've been dealing with some feelings regarding the relationship already, and this just has thrown me for a loop.

I'm not sure if there's a question in this at all. More than anything, I needed to vent. It's hard to explain.
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Old 05-23-2013, 06:17 AM
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I understand your pain, but you are the one who set yourself up for this. Apparently you WEREN'T injured (or I think you would have mentioned it), so why did you reach out to him for help? You had just told him you were going to leave him alone.

Consider for a moment how you might feel if the shoe were on the other foot. If YOU had decided you needed no contact for a bit, and he kept contacting you, and you kept telling him you will be in touch when you are ready, and then he finally said he accepted it, and only few days later you get a text for help because of a car accident? This is HIS boundary, you did not honor it, and he is enforcing it.

Minor car accidents are not emergencies. And he is not the only one who could help you if you needed help.

Accept where he is at with the relationship right now. Find other people to help if you need help.

Hugs,
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Old 05-23-2013, 06:29 AM
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The ending of a relationship is very, very painful and I'm sorry you're going through this. It's true his focus must be on sobriety and he's in no shape to be in a relationship. But now it's time for you to heal and grow. I hope you go to many Alanon meetings, have people to talk to and get as busy as possible. I've been where you are and I promise you, it does pass.
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Old 05-23-2013, 06:35 AM
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I’m very glad you are going to al-anon and I hope you continue to go. Have you explored your codependency at all? There are a great number of books out there that can help you understand your own behavior and how counter productive that behavior is when dealing with a relationship.

Right now your single source of self esteem comes from him and the relationship and that’s not good. The relationship is over and you still keep trying to contact him and that will only lead to hurt and disappointment as you found out.

I’ve found that more people who focus on themselves, work on their own issues and respect and act on what the other person has requested……comes out a far healthier person.

And if that is not something you are willing to do and are hell bent on continuing to reach out to him then by all means become that stalker woman that he kringes at when he see’s your phone # or text message. You can always end up being that woman that gets blocked from contacting him and you can become the subject of his future stories about the woman who wouldn’t leave him alone and made his life a living hell………….we all have choices in life………and consequences that come along with those choices.

Make the right one for your self, walk away with your head held high and respecting his wishes!!!!! Believe me…you will be glad you did.
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Old 05-23-2013, 07:50 AM
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I have a different take on this - with all due respect to the other posters here. I think it hurts like hell to be rejected, and the "rejectee" doesn't want to quite let go yet, and I think its normal.

I also think reaching out in a crisis is normal, even when you said you wouldn't. Shoot - this forum is full of people trying to unwind a relationship and failing badly at it. It's not easy to just change direction when a relationship ends. Don't beat yourself up for it. Just do something differently next time.

What helped me disengage was writing about it in a journal. Plus, I was able to go back and read my entries over and over again, to remind myself when I was forgetting the purpose or fantasizing about the dream I was losing - yes, it was just a dream I lost - reality was it was a bad match to begin with and doomed for failure and the alcoholism played a big part in that.

Lastly, try to find acceptance in rejection. It hurts like a son of a b!tch, but it also means more room for other opportunities to come into your life. Have some faith that things are exactly as they should be right now. The "in-between" stage is the hardest, but like everything else, this too shall pass.

Peace,
~T
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Old 05-23-2013, 08:32 AM
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Thanks to everyone for the replies. To answer a few questions:

Originally Posted by LexieCat View Post
Apparently you WEREN'T injured (or I think you would have mentioned it), so why did you reach out to him for help?
No, I wasn't injured. However, my car was stuck and I was in danger.

Originally Posted by LexieCat View Post
Consider for a moment how you might feel if the shoe were on the other foot. If YOU had decided you needed no contact for a bit, and he kept contacting you, and you kept telling him you will be in touch when you are ready, and then he finally said he accepted it, and only few days later you get a text for help because of a car accident? This is HIS boundary, you did not honor it, and he is enforcing it.
I have thought about how he might feel. I think it would have been different if the matter hadn't been important.

Originally Posted by LexieCat View Post
Minor car accidents are not emergencies. And he is not the only one who could help you if you needed help.
I called everyone else I possibly knew who could help, and they weren't able to help. He was the only option I had left.

**********

Originally Posted by atalose View Post
I’m very glad you are going to al-anon and I hope you continue to go. Have you explored your codependency at all?
I have. I'm quite aware of my codependent tendencies. Ironically, my ex isn't the person I'm most codependent upon.

Originally Posted by atalose View Post
Right now your single source of self esteem comes from him and the relationship and that’s not good.
I beg to differ with this statement. I have more than one source to my self-esteem, and he is not even the biggest source of that.

**********
Originally Posted by Tuffgirl View Post
I have a different take on this - with all due respect to the other posters here. I think it hurts like hell to be rejected, and the "rejectee" doesn't want to quite let go yet, and I think its normal.

I also think reaching out in a crisis is normal, even when you said you wouldn't. Shoot - this forum is full of people trying to unwind a relationship and failing badly at it. It's not easy to just change direction when a relationship ends. Don't beat yourself up for it. Just do something differently next time.
Thank you for understanding! I wasn't reaching out to him to keep the flame burning or anything. I needed help and he is one of the very few people I know that could have possibly helped in the situation.

Originally Posted by Tuffgirl View Post
What helped me disengage was writing about it in a journal. Plus, I was able to go back and read my entries over and over again, to remind myself when I was forgetting the purpose or fantasizing about the dream I was losing
I journal occasionally. I used to journal much more, years ago.
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Old 05-23-2013, 10:00 AM
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I wasn't trying to diminish the hurt you feel over this whole situation. I get it, believe me.

The thing is, you have to REMOVE him from your list of options of people who can help, at least for right now. Pretend he is temporarily out of the country in a place where you cannot reach him, no matter what the reason.

You made it through this situation without his help, right? Hopefully that will help you next time you think you HAVE to contact him.

Hang in there. I know it's not an easy situation, but to the extent you are able to accept it as what it is, right now, the more peaceful you will feel.
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Old 05-23-2013, 11:26 AM
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I know how you feel because he should be there helping you like my separated AH should be by my side. I deserve peace and to be cared for while I am ill with this cancer. I get so mad when i think about what he "should" be doing and the said thing is AnonK, it is our expectations which are hurting us.

Honey, like me...you have to remove him from your support system. Hes already showing you he cannot be there for you. He may want to be but not capable right now so dont depend on him. I know it hurts and you deserve better but the reality is, he is not the man you need now. This is so painful and that is why you are here on the forum.

We are here to support you. We all have walked or are walking this walking it now. Value yourself...you deserve better and you really need to believe it yourself.
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Old 05-23-2013, 11:53 AM
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Dear Anonk, I sure know the feeling. When those we have been there for won't or can't be there for us in our hour of need---it feels like being kicked in the gut by a horse!

Sometimes, it takes a painful experience like this to "educate" us to the fact that he is not going to be what you need him to be--as sucky as this is.

So--he needs unfettered space for himself, alone, now--o.k. fine--understood--I think you are trying real hard to give him what he asked. o.k. BUT, THIS IS WHAT I WANT TO SAY TO YOU---He is taking what he needs right, now. I hope that you are not just going to sit nicely, on a shelf, waiting for the time when HE decides that he wants to check back in!!

This is time for you to take what you need. To put yourself first. He may never come back...or maybe, he will... The point is--you do not owe him anything further...

sincerely, dandylion
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Old 05-23-2013, 11:54 AM
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I can relate to your feelings. I'm going through the same thing. Once he knows you are there for him without him commit himself to you, he has no incentives to earn your affection any more.

My feeling of rejection is strong. The difference between our situations is that he and I never really dated. He confessed his feelings to me 4 times prior to his rehab and getting clean efforts. One time he said he wanted to fall in love, he wanted wife and kids and he wanted to get to know me; then he said he can't wait to have a family and he is genuinely interested in me. And before he checked himself into rehab, he asked me to go out with him when he comes out. Now I waited on my end for 1.5 years during this periord he went through 2 relapses and finally styaed clean for about 9 months. He then reached out to me telling me that he wants to keep in touch with me and he's always found me an interesting person and he wants a causal approach for now. Then he gave me almost 0 attention. I cannot emotionally control it so I sent him a lot of messages hoping he can give more a little more attention or just be very clear with me. I turned down dates becaseu I wanted to keep my promise of agreeing to date him when he comes out of rehab.

Now he's annoyed by my messages and desire to meet in person more. So he just sent me a message telling me that" I don't know where you got the idea that we were somehow dating or something ,but that is definitely not anything I have had in mind. I need to focus on myself right now so I can give priority to my recovery. That's all I know"

It hurts so much coz I feel like my feelings are being played and I was led on.
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Old 05-23-2013, 12:00 PM
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ruthoney, I am soo sorry. Alcoholics can be so cruel.

Often, we get played because we want someone to love us so much that we feast on crumbs as if they were a banquet!! most of us have done that at some point...sigh..

dandylion
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Old 05-23-2013, 01:06 PM
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Originally Posted by ruthhoney View Post
It hurts so much coz I feel like my feelings are being played and I was led on.
Yes, you were. But here's the caveat to all this rejection business when it comes to intimate relationships - the onus is on US. In my case recently, I was played and led on, but after a few tries to clarify intentions and getting more wishy-washy behavior, I let it go. Sure, my feelings are hurt, but I sure as heck ain't waiting around or wasting any more of my time on this asshat.

I also haven't turned down other dates, and have one this weekend that I am looking forward to.

So yes, rejection hurts, but the trick is learning how to let go, how to uphold your own boundaries, and how not to be played for long.

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.
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Old 05-23-2013, 02:07 PM
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"Part of me knew he wasn't going to respond, but it still stung anyways. (AnonK)

^^^^^^This^^^^^^^^^^^^

Yes, it does hurt, AnonK

And EVERYTIME you touch the fire, it will burn.

Even though he ended the relationship, you still have options.

You can choose to rise above this, pick yourself up, brush yourself off, and go forward.

You are looking for happiness in another human being.

He does not hold the key to your happiness, you do.

Do you understand that there are no guarantees in recovery? Only a small percentage actually succeed. He is going to be battling this for the rest of his life.

As sad as you feel today, I can assure you, you will not always feel this way.

It's going to get better and it will get easier, you just have to stay focused on your life, not his.........
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Old 05-23-2013, 02:08 PM
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I agree with Tuffgirl - you didn't really do anything wrong, but he probably interpreted it as a play for attention. Just leave him alone for now on. Why waste your time.

I am sorry you are hurting. It really stinks to stick with an alcoholic through thick and thin and then to be set free just when they seem to be getting better.

But I truly believe that IF it is meant to be, and it may not be, that it will work out in the end.
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Old 05-23-2013, 03:26 PM
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I'm sorry you are going through this- in a way it's a good thing he didn't respond because he is showing you who he really is. He is unreliable. And you have a choice here: do you want someone in your life who doesn't even respond to the news of you being in a car accident? I wouldn't want a friend- let alone a boyfriend, like that. You certainly do not deserve that.
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Old 05-23-2013, 03:51 PM
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I feel for you, AnonK.

When I was involved with my XA, many times the thought crossed my mind, if I was in a car accident and was seriously injured or worse, would he even care?? Or upon learning of it, would he just say, "Well, that's a shame. EH was a cool girl and we had some really good times, but eh, that's life," and then promptly move onto the next 'lucky contestant' on the 'Wheel of Addiction?' Well, considering how he callously dumped me by text three months ago, as if we haven't known each other since we were kids, as if he wasn't (up until recently) one of my brother's best friends, as if he had never told me he loved me, I guess I finally got my answer.

But what I have to ask myself, what I'm trying to sort out now in therapy is, if I was having frequent thoughts like that, why in the world didn't I walk away months ago instead of ignoring such a blatant red flag?? Ahhh.....the joys of being a codependent!!
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Old 05-23-2013, 04:01 PM
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Originally Posted by bailey17 View Post
I'm sorry you are going through this- in a way it's a good thing he didn't respond because he is showing you who he really is. He is unreliable. And you have a choice here: do you want someone in your life who doesn't even respond to the news of you being in a car accident? I wouldn't want a friend- let alone a boyfriend, like that. You certainly do not deserve that.
I don't see it as being unreliable. Unreliable would be where someone makes promises that are not kept. This man requested--several times--to have no contact for a while. That is a legitimate boundary. If it is unacceptable to the other person, she can say so and walk away. That's a legitimate boundary, too.

Early sobriety is a fragile time. I would have had a hard time coping with other people's personal crises when I was in the middle of sorting out my own emotional mess. I'm thankful I was single and living alone when I got sober. I don't think I would have been very good company, and I would not have been very good at handling someone else's problems.

It's different now--I CAN help other people when they need it. I'm happy to. But if it were thrust upon me when I wasn't ready, and had made it clear that I wasn't ready, I don't think I would have responded very nicely.
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Old 05-23-2013, 04:32 PM
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It seems we are all different. Different expectations and different boundrys. Sigh.....



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Old 05-23-2013, 09:10 PM
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Oh, wow. I wasn't expecting so many more replies when I got home... but I'm glad they're here. I'm having one terribly awful day and this made me feel a little better (although it's something that is part of my problem to begin with).

I'll post another detailed reply shortly.
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Old 05-23-2013, 09:34 PM
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iamthird: Your post hit the nail on the head. I'm sorry to hear that you're ill. I hope we both are able to get the goodness we deserve.

dandylion: To be honest with you, I was considering waiting on him. I've known him for a couple of years (before he relapsed), and I was really excited when he finally asked me out. I guess you're right, but it feels wrong to just move on...

ruthhoney: It does hurt, and I don't know any first aid remedies that will fix it. I kinda feel I was led on too, and it's a terrible feeling.

marie1960: I do understand that there are no guarantees in recovery; but that was I chance I was willing to take. I've lost the key to my happiness long before I even met him, and I don't know that I'll ever find it.

SolTraveler: I believe that too. I'm always telling myself that everything happens for a reason, including (and especially) the bad things.

bailey17: This is true...

EverHopeful721: Those same joys of codependency are what kept me in an emotionally (and occasionally verbally) abusive relationship with my ex before this one. Eighteen of the longest months of my life.... down the drain.



To everyone: &
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