helltoraise

How do you let go? What does that mean exactly? Does letting go mean giving up hope? What if you are not sure about god? How do you piece together a life when you are at ground zero? Where do you even begin?

LexieCat

Letting go doesn't mean giving up hope. It means turning loose of things that we cannot control--other people or situations that are not within our power to control. It means not worrying endlessly about what someone else is doing or what might happen. It means focusing our energy on what we CAN control and change--ourselves and our attitudes. It means not trying to force the impossible, not manipulating other people to behave the way we want them to.

You don't have to believe in "God"--except to know that you are not It. Al-Anon and AA talk about "God" as being any power greater than ourselves that can restore us to sanity. Think about the power of the universe. The world keeps turning and life goes on as it should regardless of what we think or do.

Letting go is, ironically, how you can start piecing together a life for yourself. If you happened to see my thread on my housekeeping disaster, that provides not such a bad analogy. My house is cluttered with all kinds of stuff I don't want or need. It feels completely overwhelming. But what I am doing about it is letting go of the stuff I don't want or need, the stuff that is taking up the space I want to reclaim for my own. I am letting go of the need for it to be perfect, too, and I am reaching out for help by hiring an organizer to help me make the hard decisions.

Now, how does that relate to your question? Living with an alcoholic clutters up your life with all kinds of worries and stresses and unpleasant situations. It drags you down and depresses you, just like living in a horribly messy house does--only even worse. But you can let go of the responsibility for stuff that is not YOUR responsibility. You can unload all that and hand it over to the person whose responsibility it is. You can gradually, as you get rid of the emotional/psychic "clutter," start replacing it with lovely things for yourself--time, friends, family, maybe a job or hobby.

Al-Anon is a great place to start making those little steps toward a life where you aren't burdened with other people's issues. You can focus on your own, instead, and start making real changes that have real, lasting value.

It's a process--it doesn't happen overnight. All you need, to begin, is faith that if you DO try, life might get a little bit better.

helltoraise

Thank-you LexieCat-

What you said makes great sense and gives me a starting point. I like the house metaphor. I think I am going to use it literally to clean out some of the junk in my apartment. I struggle with the idea of manipulation. I'm sure as humans we all do it. It's hard to own up to, because I see it as meaning I'm a bad person. I am researching the idea of the "shadow" self and trying to accept my flaws. I have had several significant relationships in my life where the person was more controlling than loving and manipulation was one of the tactics they used. To think of myself as someone who does that even somewhat innocently really creeps me out. I have to believe not everyone who manipulates does so with ill intent. Something for the therapist's office.

LexieCat

Yup, it's very easy to manipulate others--with all good intentions. Think about it--we manipulate kids to get them to do what they should do. Now, when you are raising a child, sometimes a little manipulation isn't out of line. But when you are doing it with adults it's inappropriate. We don't like being manipulated and neither does anyone else. People often do it because confrontation is uncomfortable, but they feel the need to do SOMETHING.

Well, often we DON'T need to do SOMETHING. Sometimes we need to do NOTHING. Let the alcoholic experience the consequences of his/her own decisions, rather than doing something to prevent him or her from making bad decisions.

Like I said, this stuff is tricky to learn, but little by little, with practice, it can make your life a whole lot more peaceful, and your relationships with others more honest.

Mountainmanbob

thislonelygirl

Letting go doesnt mean giving up. That was a big one for me to make the right changes to my y life.
Sometimes letting go means not giving up on yourself. It means letting go of negative things in YOUR life.
Ground zero is the perfect place to piece together a life..it means starting over and this time the better way. God is individual....god can be spiritual

honeypig

Reading a book called "Don't Just Do Something, Sit There" by Sylvia Boorstein, which is about how to make your own little mindfulness retreat. I read this book many years ago and it's mighty interesting to me how it looks a whole different way at 52 than it did at 32....

As Lexie says, actually stopping, slowing down, pulling back, in a physical, mental and emotional sense, is really key--but also incredibly hard to do. I'm working on this myself today, will keep you in my thoughts as I do so and maybe we can both get thru the day w/some little bit of serenity intact.

Best wishes, helltoraise.

SolTraveler

Lexie said it very well. It seems so simple, yet for me, letting go was the hardest thin I have ever been through - including kicking cigarettes and alcohol.

But it does help, once you begin to master it. It takes time and effort, however.

dandylion

Dear Helltoraise, I think the crucial difference between "good" and "bad" manipulation is whether another person's needs and rights get trashed in the process---in order to get what we want.

In a way, we manipulate every day in healthy relationships--though we often call it something else--like "compromise", or "negotiation".

I agree, that the word is almost always used in a negative context---so it always sounds like a bad thing. If it is important for us to see ourselves as a "good" person at all times (us codependents?)--the it is a really scary and guilt triggering word!

dandylion

atalose

I think you got great responses regarding “letting go”. It is hard to understand and actually put into action but once you do, there is great peace and a lifting of so many things off your shoulders.

Now about “hope” something I learned here at SR…..

It’s always great to have “hope”…….but hope is not a plan. I hope I win the big power ball lottery but I can’t live my life as if I have. Buying things I could never afford, living a life style well beyond my wallet…..cause I have “hope” that tomorrow I will win.

Many moons ago when I was dating someone, I loved many things about him YET there were so many things I had “hoped” would change. I entered into a marriage on “hope” I had children and “hoped” for that loving family I dreamed of. For many years I lived on “hope” at the expense to my soul to my mind and my self esteem.

Then I had “hope” for strength and courage to leave the marriage but this time I had a plan.

LexieCat

Nice post!

And to take the lottery analogy a bit further, even the most deluded would recognize the element of chance and say, "I just know if I keep buying tickets I'll win eventually, because I can feel my luck is about to change." It's sneakier when we think, "I'm sure with enough love, understanding, and support, my alcoholic will come around and do the right thing and be the person I know s/he can be." We KNOW we can't literally influence which numbers come up, but we have that nagging feeling that we can actually influence an alcoholic to quit drinking if we do JUST THE RIGHT THING.

If only!

helltoraise

Thank-you everyone for continuing to discuss this....I am one month into no contact and I guess you could say I am purging. I still miss the lost opportunity, I still feel the sting of rejection(why was I not good enough to stay with?) I still struggle with denial in the sense that I feel that perhaps he IS healthier than he seems like he says he is and that maybe he is correct and with the "RIGHT" woman he will behave and better and I didn't inspire him to not want to cheat, stick around etc. I am seeing he manipulated me ALOT and not in the good way. I feel it's important to keep noting he has bipolar along with his addictions(which I include womanizing) He put all of the burden of the relationship on me. He never acknowledge all his lying and other behaviors that made things very difficult. I am angry as this is not what I had hoped for and it is disappointing that this was the best we could do, because I do really believe we did love each other and work well together when he put the effort in....He chose his addiction and possible mania over me. over us and in my opinion over himself. He hide under the guise of moving away and needing option in women (so insulting) He tried to act like it was written in the stars that we were doomed to fail. If he knew this than why take 3 1/2 years of my life? I wasn't invested for the hell of it. I thought I was invested in something real. I had the conscious goal of staying healthy, but dealing with his drinking (and mainly the lying) took it's toll. It's not fair! I was good to him and honest. It's not fair that he has skipped off to leave whatever life he is living and left me with all his emotional garbage to sort through. I feel so misrepresented in his mind. I never wanted to trap him I just wanted to share my life with someone. HIM because I enjoyed his company and I thought he was my best friend and he said I was his. Well where I come from you don't throw your best friend away. My parents said if you can live your life with your best friend then you are lucky. I thought we were lucky to have each other. Now, I have no choice, but to try to figure out how to live without him. I am not a bad choice for a life partner. I was good to him...I just wanted him to be healthy and not cheat on me. I don't think those are toxics things to ask for....I don't think that makes me some controlling sicko.....sorry for the rant.....

atalose

You are a good choice for a life partner.......keep telling yourself that!! say it over and over again until the person looking back at you in the mirror feels it.

You just picked the wrong person as a partner......someone not capable of being in a mature healthy relationship. A relationship is meant for 2 people and some people don't know how to count. And those are the people you most certainly don't need in your lovely life.

SolTraveler

Helltoraise... although the rejection stings and it is natural to want to take on part (or all) of the blame, the problem was NOT you. I don't even know him and I can tell you that. A cheater is a cheater - they do not cheat because of a situation, they cheat because they have a deep-seated personality flaw. I know, because I did it twice. I told myself it was because of my crappy husbands when really, although it was right for me to leave, it was because I was too insecure and chicken sh** to do the right thing and just LEAVE. I had to make it impossible to stay. Now, after a lot of therapy, I see exactly what I was doing and I am deeply sorry that I could not act like an honorable person at the time.

At least one of my ex husbands (ex #2) feels as you do - he wonders what it is about my current boyfriend that is so much better that I am acting better with him, recovered, etc. Although my relationship with him was not right for either of us, my recovery and working on my problems had to do with me, not my current boyfriend. For example, I learned through a lot of reading and therapy that I was setting boundaries but not expressing them to my partners. So what was happening was that I felt victimized over and over again and I would act out in inappropriate ways instead of telling them how I felt. Now, with my current boyfriend, out relationship is faaaar from perfect (he is an alcoholic) but when I get angry I am able to say so. I am still working on doing it in a productive way but at least my feelings are coming out.

Just like your ex, I was acting in an immature way and I was not ready to have a real relationship where I actually stuck around and worked on my problems. Now, I am.

I hope that helps.

You deserve someone who is mature and committed just to you. That person IS out there, and if you take the time to work on meeting your needs and to really reflect on what those needs are, you will find them when you least expect it. I truly believe that.

((Hugs))
Alex

Ltlys

Thanks to everyone that posted on this thread. I am trying so hard to let my (R)?AB go. To detach with love.
I know all to well, the role I played in this "Pefect Storm". I feel like that is why he decided no contact. This is a daily struggle for me. Some days I feel like I am letting him go. Other days I feel like everything is my fault and I cant forgive myself. He always pointed out my sickness while never admitting to his. I feel like I drove him away and that he hates me now.
I really have no idea though because he has never once has told me one way or the other. That "hope" thing kills me. I would give anything to rekindle what once was. Idk, i guess its just another step I have to keep working on.

Joe Nerv

I wound up on my knees crying and praying to a god that I didn't entirely believe existed, and for sure didn't understand. Still don't. But it worked, I believe by leading me to the people and experiences I needed to get throught the things I needed to. Sometimes by just being granted the ability to put one foot in front of the other.

I prayed a lot differently than how I was taught in catholic school. I took the on the knees with my eyes closed part, but the dialogue was much different. Talked as if I were talking to an absolutel best friend. Put out all my fears, doubts, questions, hopes, longings... and in the end asked, begged actually, that I simply be led to wherever it was I needed to go and that I somehow attain a faith that would work. I was completely open about my lack of belief too. I started after that to slowly experience "coincidences" that at a point became impossible for me to deny. Started calling those coincidences "miracles", and well... that's how it's been working for me.

I wish you the best.