sacha

Please, encourage me how to drink water or a juice at a cocktail party--it will be my first one to do this! My b/f is inviting me to go to a party this Thursday & I can't not go because the relationship is new & 1) I want to spend time with him & because 2) I don't want yet to tell him about my alcohol issues. I have to work early on Friday morning, teaching a class in a group of Substance Abuse (yes, ironic!), so clearly I can't show up hang over there.
Please, someone tell me about ur sober experiences at parties! How u STILL can have fun sipping water!

sugarbear1

What do you tell people in the substance abuse class?

AlcoholicOrNot

I will drink cranberry & club soda out of a cocktail glass with a slice of lime.

least

You just go determined not to drink and you just don't drink. I like the idea of having a 'drink' in my hand so as to discourage people from asking you if you want a drink.

Stay strong. You can get thru this.

bigsombrero

You claim to teach substance abuse classes. What do you teach them - finger painting?

If your relationship hinges on him thinking you're a party girl, then it's off to a bad start anyway. Why not be honest with him? If you can't be honest with him, then be true to yourself. Don't make your life harder than it is. Perhaps this is another reason that dating during early sobriety is discouraged.

Anna

Not to be difficult, but yes, you can not go. I so often see people post something that they have to do and it's risky. One thing I had to do in early recovery was to find my voice and say 'No' when it was best for me to not do something.

If you do go, be sure you have a way to leave if you need to. Focus on conversation and enjoying people.

sacha

Bigsomrero, there is no need to be rude or sarcastic. I am being honest here, so please don't discourage me from that. This is support forum. I do teach CBT & am a licensed mental health therapist, & I know exactly what to say to my patients, but it does not mean I can't have issues myself. If you're a doctor, it does not mean u can't get cancer & if you got one, you can not operate on yourself!

Thank you, I am determined to do exactly that: ACTUALLY ENJOY PEOPLE & CONVERSATION instead of alcohol. And will have some cool non alcoholic cocktail or juice in my hand. I will try to FOCUS & CONCENTRATE on having a conversation, which has never actually happens when I am drinking because when I am drinking I am thinking of my next drink (excuses to get the next one e.g. if I am socializing) worrying that the current one is getting empty.

sacha

This is the reason, I can't be so honest with people around me, --people who, like Bigsombrero, will start telling me--how can u teach substance abuse class, if you have issues yourself! Because I don't need their judgement & discouragement from working where I am working. I love my job & I am great at it. This is the reason I can't go to AA/NA in my area because I can't meet my own patients there. So, this is my only hope here, so please, give support & not judgement! Another judgement is that my b/f thinks of me as a party girl & it is not a good start.

Dee74

wanting to get on with your life is an admirable thing...but I think too many people rush it.

I tried living my old life, just being sober - it didn't work for me because my old life was centered around drinking.

I had to respect my addiction - it was very powerful - it ruled me for years - I needed to take time out to rest, recuperate, and to change.

Putting a bit of distance between the old me and me I wanted to become really helped.

Sure I missed a few parties - but I wanted to be sober, and stay that way, more.

I'm glad I did it the way I did it.

D

Dee74

Sacha

I can't follow at all why you can't use the things you teach other people to help yourself, but ok. I'm a layman.

You can see why people are confused tho, yeah?

I'll ask now that people stay civil tho.
There's no need to be insulting.


Ok, this is how I see it for you:

Using your example, if you had cancer, and you were a doctor, you'd go to another Dr.

I really recommend that you put your pride aside, use your professional contacts, and find a counsellor, or some kind of discreet support, for yourself.

If you can't find the way out the forest yourself, it makes sense to find someone who does, yeah?

I think actually having some actual experience of recovery will make you a better counsellor - if you can get past the pride and fear, and ask for help.

D

Skyjumper

My recommendation is to either not go, or have an exit strategy so you can make an appearance but not have to hang out too long. These things are a recipe for disaster. Don't kid yourself that the conversation will be worth it. It will be a bunch of maddening small talk to give everyone an excuse to drink, except for you.

If you go, there's no magic solution to making it easy. It'll suck.

You know what, I've changed my recommendation. Skip "the party." Tell him your trying not to drink and would rather do something else. Your worth it.

Marcher13

Sacha if you really want sobriety it would be a good idea to rethink attending a cocktail party in your first week of recovery. A cocktail party is designed for one purpose and that is to get people together to drink.

Be honest with your new boyfriend, tell him you're cutting down on your drinking and you have an early class to teach on Friday. If you suggest that the two of you have a meal together on Friday night you'll end up spening more time together anyway.

In the early days of sobriety I almost cocooned myself to build the behaviours I needed to remain sober. It was only last Saturday that I faced one of my greatest temptations -- dinner in a restaurant and that was on Day 70.

sacha

Skyjumper--good strategy as far as escaping early; however, I will use Marcher's 13 recommendation & will tell him exactly this: let's go to dinner, I am trying not to drink so much/cut down, have an early class.

Dee: I may be using some of the strategies that I teach & I may have another professional counselor helping me, too, I still need more support or all the support I can get. No matter how well you know stuff, it's not the same when it's coming from others than when it's coming from yourself. However, I can identify with everything I teach on my personal examples, I just don't tell clients I KNOW how it all feels. Because I am not getting paid to talk to my patients about myself & my experiences. I actually want to tell someone how I feel & this is what I need the support here for. Makes sense?

Dee74

Sure
Like I said I'm not a counsellor.

I do know counsellors/therapists/ psychologists here in Australia where I live are a little different to the US.

Maybe thats the difficulty

I'm certainly not trying to drive you away from SR or anything - you are as welcome as anyone else Sacha

D

Ptcapote

Hey sacha, just going to add my two cents here hoping to be somewhat helpful. I totally get where you're coming from and how difficult this upcoming party is for you. And I also get that you're looking for some practical strategies to get through it without drinking.

Here's the thing that might explain some of the responses above: YOU have got to want to quit drinking. Period. That is the first step. Nothing else makes very much difference if that is not where you are starting from.

There is no step before that and no baby steps that will ever be successful until you make that decision---firmly. So we can all give you some coping strategies but, to some, it seems like you're maybe not taking the most direct approach to the actual problem. Everything else is really secondary and, by extension, not really as critical.

So...if you're serious about stopping, then it doesn't really matter what your boyfriend or the man in the moon thinks, ultimately. And, if this boyfriend is new and does not know you have a drinking issues, I see two possible solutions to this dilemma:

1. You stop drinking, don't tell him that you have a drinking problem (are you certain he doesn't know?), go to the party and sip cranberry juice and seltzer, and you get some strong outside support to help you get through this because YOU are serious about doing it for yourself.

2. You tell him that, for whatever reason, you are not drinking right now and are uncomfortable around alcohol and don't go. Or you just don't go and find another excuse if leveling with him is not comfortable.

But one way or the other, I agree with what most have told you above if you are serious about stopping: skip the party.

I am three and a half months sober and I still can't go anywhere near that sort of situation and I don't expect to be able to for a long time. I don't want to because I never want to have to go through quitting again...but that's me.

So, if you've got some days behind you, please put you first if you are serious about stopping permanently. And then go from there.

Don't worry about being selfish---this time it IS about you. And if this is a good guy, you'll figure it out one way or the other. What BigSombrero did say above about this point is relevant, however...if you want this to go somewhere, honesty is going to have to come into the picture sooner or later.

But you obviously know yourself well so please put yourself and your sobriety first. You deserve it. I think that's what most of us here are trying to say...

Best of luck to you and please let us know how it goes!

fantail

Hi Sacha, I go to parties sober. I'm going to one in about half an hour in fact. It was hard at first but it's three months in so by now it's gotten much easier.

I agree with everyone that your first week is pretty early to try it. But I did the same so if you do go, here's my advice.

- Tell whoever you're with that you're not drinking. Don't make it a big deal but make sure they know that you've made a commitment to yourself. In my case I did this by saying I was taking a few months off to focus on my health & meditation. This will make it embarrassing if you take a drink later. Good insurance.

- The first half hour is the worst. Get through that and you'll be fine. Particularly important is reminding yourself that the first half hour is just weird. Give yourself time to get into the vibe and figure out what kind of mood you're in. Everyone else is doing the same thing, you just don't notice as much when you're focused on getting some drinks in your system.

- Definitely have a soda in your hand the whole time. You'll just want something to hold onto out of habit. Also, it keeps you from having to over and over again say "no thanks!" when people ask if you'd like anything.

- When you feel awkward or not as quick to laugh or whatever it is that you chase when you drink, look around and ask yourself it it's worth it. Think about what you'll gain (probably about half an hour of feeling comfortable) then what you'll lose (a few hours of scrambling to drink without seeming like a drunk, possibly embarrassing yourself in front of this guy, definitely ending up a bit bleary eyed by the end of the night, and the hangover and self-recrimination the next day).

- Remind yourself that if you can't handle being around alcohol and staying sober, then you're not going to be able to be around alcohol. If you want to keep your social life the way it is, then you need to have the self-restraint to make it through. If you can't, then no more parties. You have to earn it.

- Be prepared and willing to leave at any time. If the atmosphere gets way too drinking heavy, or if you feel your resolve weakening, or pretty much anything else: go home. Make up an excuse if you have to but get out of there. There's nothing wrong with it. I've gone home at 9:30 a couple of times because I just wasn't feeling it.


Honestly, it was hard for me at first. The first time I just felt awful and confused and awkward. But after a few months I now really enjoy being sober at parties. I'm very social and my friends are reasonable drinkers, so that helps. But yeah. If you want this, you can do it, but you need to earn your own trust.

ReadyAtLast

Hi Sacha
I'm 5 1/2 months sober and only recently started being around people in social gatherings where there is alcohol.There is no way I could have gone to a cocktail party in early recovery and NOT drank. If I did manage it I would have then convinced myself I didn't actually have a problem,all was ok and crack open the next bottle of wine the following night........

As your relationship is new, are your concerns that you are worried what your bf will think of you if you don't go. Do you think one of the reasons he is with you is because you are a party girl and you don't want him to know you're really not. If it was me,and it has been me, I'd just say I didn't feel comfortable with alcohol as not drinking for health reasons and suggest dinner/coffee instead. If he likes and respects you that's great. If he pressures you to go or doesn't understand maybe it's not the sort of new relationship that you need in early recovery. For me,I had to put my sobriety first and be selfish.Others' opinions, thoughts of me and their wishes had to come second. Many times I had to tell my husband I would not be attending x,y or z with him. Of course,I understand that's easier in a longer relationship than a new one.I'mnot suggesting you tell him full details but being firm and saying you don't want to be in an alcohol environment at the momentis better than starting a relationship with a lie and pretending to be someone you're not. Hope it works out for you