gchuva

I've recently received a update from my dad that my uncle may be abusing alcohol. My uncle, (in his late 60's), has a history of alcoholism. My dad and my uncle have had a serious falling out, but my dad has received an unsolicited report from an employee who has a brother who does some housework for my uncle, and the report suggested that my uncle may be drinking too much and appeared not to have left the house for two weeks and was just drinking (the person allegedly saw my uncle at his home and spoke to the neighbors). There is little to no reason my dad would make up this report.

My uncle does not have any close family members or friends that I know. I have not seen my uncle in approximately seven years, and probably haven't spoken on the phone in a year. We email each other from time to time, but he only has given one time per week that he is available for phone calls and it is not that convenient. I have attempted to visit from time to time but he never makes himself available or has an excuse.

At the moment, my uncle is living in a house in my brother's name, but is behind on rent by about six months. He was supposedly in between commissions and I have been covering. It's unclear what my uncle's financial position is, but I don't think it is good. There have been lawsuits and other messy issues.

My brother and I live in Australia and cannot readily visit. I'd be grateful for any advice about what we might try to do to help.

Thanks

Tuffgirl

Welcome, gchuva.

I have no idea what to offer you - there really isn't much you can do for an alcoholic who refuses help, especially when you are continents away. But you can stop covering his rent payments.

Google "enabling" and read up on what that means. And then do your best to detach from this and not enable your Uncle. He is a grown man, after all. He's capable of reaching out for help himself if he wants it. AA meetings are global; there is one EVERYWHERE.

I know the first instinct is to force help on someone we see traveling down the wrong path. And we think we have the power to persuade them to stop self destructing. But we rarely do. Be there for your other family members who may struggle with not forcing themselves on your Uncle. And perhaps find an Al-Anon meeting for yourself if things get really tough.

Keep coming back!
~T

gchuva

Thanks for the advice. My brother and I have done nothing to speak to my uncle on this. Any advice as to whether we express concern or ask him whether he is drinking and would like help?

Recovering2

You can ask, but in all likelihood he will deny. Or become angry that you're inquiring. That's the nature of the disease. We really have to wait until the A is ready for help, and reaches out to us...not the other way around.

I have learned that the best thing we can do is get out of the way. Don't step in to pay their bills, don't make excuses for them, don't pick them up if arrested, etc. The A needs to be allowed the right as an adult to experience the full consequences of their disease and their choices. As long as someone steps in to take care of things, they will go along.

I'm not sure why you're paying his rent, but that's one of the things that is not advised. He is an adult. If he spends money on booze instead of rent, he makes that choice. Lawsuits and other messy issues means he's probably been making bad choices for awhile.

You didn't Cause it, can't Cure it, and can't Control it. The only thing you can do is take care of yourself. Set good boundaries, and detach from the behaviors. Maybe someone could do a welfare check on him, but it's best to stay out of his business.