Ashamed, tired, anxious, sad.....this has to stop
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 8
Ashamed, tired, anxious, sad.....this has to stop
Well after much soul searching here I am. I have been reading some of the postings on this site and the subsequent replies and have to say what kind, supportive and selfless people there are on here.
I am ashamed to say that I have been drinking about a bottle of wine per night, probably for about a year or so now; I simply cannot just 'have one or two'. I do stop after the bottle but it's clearly far too much. I don't sleep properly and I exacerbate the panic disorder that has plagued me since the death of my first husband 13 years ago. I take anti - anxiolytics but know how much less I need to take when I don't drink. So why do I do it?!! Addiction I guess.
I have had a stressful few years and I only seem to feel 'normal and relaxed' the minute the wine reaches my system. Rationally though I know it's doing the opposite. I've read the books, I know the theory but I am simply in a cycle of addiction. I stop drinking during the week only to find my weekend starts Thursday and ends on Sunday. I exercise regularly and eat very healthily, however will try and limit my food calories to allow me to drink more wine. Ridiculous.
I am not at the stage where I feel that I've let anyone down. My husband barely drinks and he often says 'cut out the wine'......so I know I have a support in him. I never drink during the day and don't drink in front the children. I just think that culturally (UK) I have been brought up around booze. You've had a shock - have a drink. You've had a hard day ' let's go to the pub etc etc.
AA meeting are not for me. I live in a small place where nothing is Anonymous sadly.
Thank you for reading
I am ashamed to say that I have been drinking about a bottle of wine per night, probably for about a year or so now; I simply cannot just 'have one or two'. I do stop after the bottle but it's clearly far too much. I don't sleep properly and I exacerbate the panic disorder that has plagued me since the death of my first husband 13 years ago. I take anti - anxiolytics but know how much less I need to take when I don't drink. So why do I do it?!! Addiction I guess.
I have had a stressful few years and I only seem to feel 'normal and relaxed' the minute the wine reaches my system. Rationally though I know it's doing the opposite. I've read the books, I know the theory but I am simply in a cycle of addiction. I stop drinking during the week only to find my weekend starts Thursday and ends on Sunday. I exercise regularly and eat very healthily, however will try and limit my food calories to allow me to drink more wine. Ridiculous.
I am not at the stage where I feel that I've let anyone down. My husband barely drinks and he often says 'cut out the wine'......so I know I have a support in him. I never drink during the day and don't drink in front the children. I just think that culturally (UK) I have been brought up around booze. You've had a shock - have a drink. You've had a hard day ' let's go to the pub etc etc.
AA meeting are not for me. I live in a small place where nothing is Anonymous sadly.
Thank you for reading
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Spain
Posts: 28
Welcome, jfj321. Well done for doing your first post. You will get's lot's of support here at SR. I can relate to so much of your post. Rationally we know that we should not be having another glass of wine but it can be so hard when that voice in your head just keeps telling you to have it. You have taken a big step by posting here and we all want to help you reach your goal, a happy sober life.
now's the time
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 2,181
Welcome 
Your post sounds like all good news to me. The fact that you're already healthy will make the physical part of quitting way easier. Having your husband's support will help with the emotional side.
And I think the best part is actually also what will make it harder at first, which is your anxiety. I'm an anxiety sufferer as well, since way before I was a drinker. Since it was there before drinking, I assumed it would be there still when I quit.
Since about a month into quitting I haven't had a single episode of severe anxiety. OK, I'm at 3 months, so we're only talking about 2 months here. But that is huge for me. One time a few years ago I counted and I had something like 40 anxiety episodes in a typical day. I knew the alcohol wasn't helping but I had no idea, absolutely none, how much benefit total abstinence would bring.
Just give it a month to see. The first few weeks will be very rough but just pretend to yourself that you've got the flu and wait through it. It's really worth a try.
Your post sounds like all good news to me. The fact that you're already healthy will make the physical part of quitting way easier. Having your husband's support will help with the emotional side.
And I think the best part is actually also what will make it harder at first, which is your anxiety. I'm an anxiety sufferer as well, since way before I was a drinker. Since it was there before drinking, I assumed it would be there still when I quit.
Since about a month into quitting I haven't had a single episode of severe anxiety. OK, I'm at 3 months, so we're only talking about 2 months here. But that is huge for me. One time a few years ago I counted and I had something like 40 anxiety episodes in a typical day. I knew the alcohol wasn't helping but I had no idea, absolutely none, how much benefit total abstinence would bring.
Just give it a month to see. The first few weeks will be very rough but just pretend to yourself that you've got the flu and wait through it. It's really worth a try.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: North England, UK
Posts: 214
Hello and welcome Jfj,
Glad you've decided to join us and hope you find SR useful.
I know what you mean about the culture of booze in the UK, it's hard to escape. But, we can buck the trent! No one likes to be a sheep
Glad you've decided to join us and hope you find SR useful.
I know what you mean about the culture of booze in the UK, it's hard to escape. But, we can buck the trent! No one likes to be a sheep
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: NE Wisconsin USA
Posts: 6,223
jfj321 look...and even if you are feeling shame there is no need...you are suffering from an illness....many of us have been more chronic or less than you...yes I felt a lot of shame and guilt....but years later I see it was unnecessary....you are doing alright....just put down the drink....call some one .....and get well...best always!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 8
Thanks so much everyone; this has been somewhat of a relief.
I was brought up by parents who drank (still do) every night. All social gatherings were accompanied by alcohol. My father is an incredibly successful person but one that I would describe as 'high functioning alcoholic'. It is incredible how much he can drink and then still get up and work in a very responsible job. Even after my (first) husband died and I was in the depths of grief his response would be 'come on love let's have a drink'.....and then we would get drunk. My mother has always been able to moderate her drinking and will never have more than 2 drinks at a time, and proper measures at that. that is what I would like to do but am not sure if it's realistic.
I was brought up by parents who drank (still do) every night. All social gatherings were accompanied by alcohol. My father is an incredibly successful person but one that I would describe as 'high functioning alcoholic'. It is incredible how much he can drink and then still get up and work in a very responsible job. Even after my (first) husband died and I was in the depths of grief his response would be 'come on love let's have a drink'.....and then we would get drunk. My mother has always been able to moderate her drinking and will never have more than 2 drinks at a time, and proper measures at that. that is what I would like to do but am not sure if it's realistic.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 8
Feeling sooo much better this morning. Why can't I embrace and remember this feeling day after day instead of reaching 6pm and literally craving the wine? If I can 'not' drink every other hour of the day why can't I resist it for the few hours before bed????
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: San Diego
Posts: 611
Hello and welcome to SR. I agree with what others are saying, the fact that you recognize your challenges and triggers and the willingness you have shown by admitting you have a problem are your biggest assets. You are a wife and a mom like me so I respect you so much because I know it's not easy to do this when you have a family to worry for. Some days I drank to "take the edge off" as well, I can totally relate. I restricted food like you described also. I wanted to save my calories for the booze. It was a really bad way to treat my body. I hope you find the support you need here. It's ok if you don't want to do meetings, I've learned that they aren't for everyone. Even here in the city I sometimes get nervous being in a program... But I know I can always come here. People are so helpful and intelligent and kind here! I am glad you stopped. Keep us posted. Just take it slow and be kind to yourself in the beginning! It's so hard for us sometimes. We all want it to be easy. If you're really an alcoholic it won't be easy but it can absolutely be done.
Many hugs! You have our full support.
Many hugs! You have our full support.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,560
Hi jfj - it's great to have you join the family.
You'll be saving yourself so much misery by dealing with this now. I once felt the way you do - but I did nothing about it. The result was many years of pain and misery that never needed to happen. I don't know why I clung to it - in the end, there was nothing fun or relaxing about it. I think you'll find SR very helpful - we all understand and want to help. No one gets it like a fellow alkie. Be proud of yourself for taking this action and wanting a new life.
You'll be saving yourself so much misery by dealing with this now. I once felt the way you do - but I did nothing about it. The result was many years of pain and misery that never needed to happen. I don't know why I clung to it - in the end, there was nothing fun or relaxing about it. I think you'll find SR very helpful - we all understand and want to help. No one gets it like a fellow alkie.
Be proud of yourself for taking this action and wanting a new life.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 567
Welcome,
I understand the part about living in a small town and AA meetings may not be an option. Since being sober, some of my new friends in AA live in small towns and the only option for them is a meeting, this has turned things around to the benefit of the small town in regards to work and service by helping each other in regards to drinking.
However, it may be worth considering finding out all you can about the "drinking game", SR is a good place to start.
But there are basics to know about the effects of alcohol.
AA has a book, by the same title as the fellowship.
In that book is a chapter, "The Doctors Opinion".
Within that chapter are illustrations of the problem and hopefully for you a solution.
Yes, it does mention the fellowship of AA, that is not what I am suggesting here. Just get to know more about what's going on, what precisely is a craving and what is an obsession over alcohol.
This cycle can be broken and if you ever feel the need for a drink, log in here and write. It helps to help others who want positive directions of recovery over alcohol !
Hopefully this action may help to start breaking the cycle of picking up the next drink.
Or you can read and or print this chapter online:
Big Book Online - the doctor's opinion
I understand the part about living in a small town and AA meetings may not be an option. Since being sober, some of my new friends in AA live in small towns and the only option for them is a meeting, this has turned things around to the benefit of the small town in regards to work and service by helping each other in regards to drinking.
However, it may be worth considering finding out all you can about the "drinking game", SR is a good place to start.
But there are basics to know about the effects of alcohol.
AA has a book, by the same title as the fellowship.
In that book is a chapter, "The Doctors Opinion".
Within that chapter are illustrations of the problem and hopefully for you a solution.
Yes, it does mention the fellowship of AA, that is not what I am suggesting here. Just get to know more about what's going on, what precisely is a craving and what is an obsession over alcohol.
This cycle can be broken and if you ever feel the need for a drink, log in here and write. It helps to help others who want positive directions of recovery over alcohol !
Hopefully this action may help to start breaking the cycle of picking up the next drink.
Or you can read and or print this chapter online:
Big Book Online - the doctor's opinion
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 443
Hi jfj -- You are on the right track now, no question about it.
If you can't do AA yourself, have you tried listening to AA speaker tapes?
XA-Speakers - The lights are on!
AA Speaker Tapes : Listen To Alcoholics Anonymous Speakers
I am certainly not trying to "push" AA. Just offering a resource I myself found very useful.
If you can't do AA yourself, have you tried listening to AA speaker tapes?
XA-Speakers - The lights are on!
AA Speaker Tapes : Listen To Alcoholics Anonymous Speakers
I am certainly not trying to "push" AA. Just offering a resource I myself found very useful.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 8
[QUOTE=Pete55;3977503]Welcome,
I understand the part about living in a small town and AA meetings may not be an option. Since being sober, some of my new friends in AA live in small towns and the only option for them is a meeting, this has turned things around to the benefit of the small town in regards to work and service by helping each other in regards to drinking.
However, it may be worth considering finding out all you can about the "drinking game", SR is a good place to start.
But there are basics to know about the effects of alcohol.
AA has a book, by the same title as the fellowship.
In that book is a chapter, "The Doctors Opinion".
Within that chapter are illustrations of the problem and hopefully for you a solution.
Yes, it does mention the fellowship of AA, that is not what I am suggesting here. Just get to know more about what's going on, what precisely is a craving and what is an obsession over alcohol.
This cycle can be broken and if you ever feel the need for a drink, log in here and write. It helps to help others who want positive directions of recovery over alcohol !
Hopefully this action may help to start breaking the cycle of picking up the next drink.
Thanks so much for this. I actually live in a big city but the industry in which I work(ed) is very much 'everyone knows everyone'. There's no way this is something I could keep under wraps. However the reading suggestions are hugely welcome and I'll certainly read them.
I spent 4 years either pregnant or breastfeeding; then another 4 years not drinking at all, and not missing it. I have just got myself into a bad cycle of anxiety, where I literally feel terrified nearly all of the time. It has been going on so long that I think my cortisol is all over the place and if I don't drink I crave carbs or something sweet.
Am I in denial to think I could ever drink in moderation? It's not that I am frightened of never drinking again, but I would like to be able to prove to myself that I actually have some control.
Thank you ALL, lovely people!
I understand the part about living in a small town and AA meetings may not be an option. Since being sober, some of my new friends in AA live in small towns and the only option for them is a meeting, this has turned things around to the benefit of the small town in regards to work and service by helping each other in regards to drinking.
However, it may be worth considering finding out all you can about the "drinking game", SR is a good place to start.
But there are basics to know about the effects of alcohol.
AA has a book, by the same title as the fellowship.
In that book is a chapter, "The Doctors Opinion".
Within that chapter are illustrations of the problem and hopefully for you a solution.
Yes, it does mention the fellowship of AA, that is not what I am suggesting here. Just get to know more about what's going on, what precisely is a craving and what is an obsession over alcohol.
This cycle can be broken and if you ever feel the need for a drink, log in here and write. It helps to help others who want positive directions of recovery over alcohol !
Hopefully this action may help to start breaking the cycle of picking up the next drink.
Thanks so much for this. I actually live in a big city but the industry in which I work(ed) is very much 'everyone knows everyone'. There's no way this is something I could keep under wraps. However the reading suggestions are hugely welcome and I'll certainly read them.
I spent 4 years either pregnant or breastfeeding; then another 4 years not drinking at all, and not missing it. I have just got myself into a bad cycle of anxiety, where I literally feel terrified nearly all of the time. It has been going on so long that I think my cortisol is all over the place and if I don't drink I crave carbs or something sweet.
Am I in denial to think I could ever drink in moderation? It's not that I am frightened of never drinking again, but I would like to be able to prove to myself that I actually have some control.
Thank you ALL, lovely people!
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,560
I wanted to believe I could moderate too, jfj. What I found out after years of trying - there was no control once that first drink got into my system. I might have 2 drinks, but more than likely I'd have 10.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 567
Am I in denial to think I could ever drink in moderation? It's not that I am frightened of never drinking again, but I would like to be able to prove to myself that I actually have some control.
2 weeks after I first read that chapter of Dr Silkworth, I went to a bar, ordered a beer and glass of water, being aware of this information.
Typical alcoholic I am, I have to "test" everything.
When I drank half that glass of beer, I put it back on the table, drank the water. I walked out and I also "saw/felt" that change in personality, often described as a "Jekyl and Hyde" thing.
Those inner feelings alcohol gave me that I thought were normal for over 35 years was my delusion, that one day I will learn to control it.
5 minutes after I walked out that bar, I felt this overwhelming force to go back in and finish the drink. My mind was "justifying that I should finished the drink" !
I knew if I went back I would end up in the same mess as before, what I felt was the strong urge, to drink and my mind was spinning.
Fear played a role to.
I kept walking...got some more water and waited for a bus to go home.
The fear and that urge left me after about 30 minutes, but the memory of it remained.
Today I don't fear being around alcohol if I am supposed to be there, work functions or whatever. I just don't drink alcohol and the best "exit" I found if offered is, "no thanks, not today".
That way I don't have to place myself in a corner with their next reply along the lines of, "just one will be OK".
Nor it places me in a position to explain myself about my drinking. Normal drinkers don't "get it".
The key words in this section of the Dr's Opinion is, "this class"
that the phenomenon of craving is limited to this class and never occurs in the average temperate drinker.
No, Dr Silkworth says, "never".
That's how I know I am an alcoholic and I can never moderate my drinking.
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