could use some wise insight
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2004
Location: Mt Pleasant SC
Posts: 9
could use some wise insight
I have posted here months ago . I haven't posted for a while because my alcoholic ex husband has been in a Christian Rehab home. I had high hopes of him being a changed man when he got out and maybe working things out for our family. We have three children, ages 13, 12 and 7.
I visited him when he was in this place . He was so different. I was amazed on how he had changed his out look on life , family and drinking.
Before he went to this place for help , he had gone days drinking and staying in hotel rooms . I would wonder where he was and if he was still alive. The aniexty this has caused me is tremendous. He has been an alcoholic since 1991. I have been blammed for part of his problem. He would say, "if you showed me more affection,I wouldn't drink" Or "If your going to be mad all the time I will just drink ". Well he got out of this rehab home April 24th. I allowed him to move back in the house thinking he was a changed man. My family all live out of state and have no idea he is staying with me. We are divorced on grounds of alcoholism.
Well this past week I smelled alcohol on his breath. I can smell alcohol a mile away. He denied it saying it was me being paranoid. Then the very next night he called on his way home and he was drunk as ever. I told him not to bother coming home as I refused to deal with him like that. He hung up the phone and stayed gone all night. I hardly slept. I was worried sick that he would go back to the way he was. Then like always he called me the next morning and acted like he was just fine and I should understand he is going to slip.
It hasn't even been a month and he is slipping. He stopped going to his meetings, won't call his sponser. Then last night we were atthe pool and again , I smelled alcohol. He wasn't drunk and not even slurring his words. BUT I have an issue with him drinking even one. As with him it always leads to 12 then 18. He agrued with me and said I stress him out. I am the one who takes three kids to school in the mornings, works all day and picks all thre kids up from school, does homework, cooks dinner, gets laundry done. My kids help out alot with chores so that does help me. He gets up in the morning and goes to work and comes home and spends the night smoking ciggarrettes all night.
I am severely depressed . Right now he should be home from work. I am worrying that he is out drinking. If I don't hear from him I start to worry and my whole mood changes.
Finanicially I can make it without him. Well sort of. He pays child support through the court and I plan on keeping it that way. But with him living here he should be paying more as if he lived on his own he would be paying bills. He makes around $800 per week after taxes. He gets to keep every bit of that after he pays his child support. Where I am struggling trying to get all the bills paid. I resent that. Not only do I have to deal with the stress of him around again but I have to do his laundry and pay all the bills.
When I was alone for the past 2 years without him living in my house, I was less stressed. I worried all the time about him and his drinking. The kids love him so much and they would hate to see him go again. I just am confused of what to do. My family would be furious if they found out he was living here. I had hopes that he would stay sober and I would be able to convince my family he had changed.
I guess I may not ever have to tell them as he might not be in this house much longer.
I told him last night that I would have him move out if he continued his drinking. He said if I do that he would go back to the way he was and I wont get any money for child support if he doesn't work.
So I am in a corner.
Any opinions would be appreciated.
Pam
I visited him when he was in this place . He was so different. I was amazed on how he had changed his out look on life , family and drinking.
Before he went to this place for help , he had gone days drinking and staying in hotel rooms . I would wonder where he was and if he was still alive. The aniexty this has caused me is tremendous. He has been an alcoholic since 1991. I have been blammed for part of his problem. He would say, "if you showed me more affection,I wouldn't drink" Or "If your going to be mad all the time I will just drink ". Well he got out of this rehab home April 24th. I allowed him to move back in the house thinking he was a changed man. My family all live out of state and have no idea he is staying with me. We are divorced on grounds of alcoholism.
Well this past week I smelled alcohol on his breath. I can smell alcohol a mile away. He denied it saying it was me being paranoid. Then the very next night he called on his way home and he was drunk as ever. I told him not to bother coming home as I refused to deal with him like that. He hung up the phone and stayed gone all night. I hardly slept. I was worried sick that he would go back to the way he was. Then like always he called me the next morning and acted like he was just fine and I should understand he is going to slip.
It hasn't even been a month and he is slipping. He stopped going to his meetings, won't call his sponser. Then last night we were atthe pool and again , I smelled alcohol. He wasn't drunk and not even slurring his words. BUT I have an issue with him drinking even one. As with him it always leads to 12 then 18. He agrued with me and said I stress him out. I am the one who takes three kids to school in the mornings, works all day and picks all thre kids up from school, does homework, cooks dinner, gets laundry done. My kids help out alot with chores so that does help me. He gets up in the morning and goes to work and comes home and spends the night smoking ciggarrettes all night.
I am severely depressed . Right now he should be home from work. I am worrying that he is out drinking. If I don't hear from him I start to worry and my whole mood changes.
Finanicially I can make it without him. Well sort of. He pays child support through the court and I plan on keeping it that way. But with him living here he should be paying more as if he lived on his own he would be paying bills. He makes around $800 per week after taxes. He gets to keep every bit of that after he pays his child support. Where I am struggling trying to get all the bills paid. I resent that. Not only do I have to deal with the stress of him around again but I have to do his laundry and pay all the bills.
When I was alone for the past 2 years without him living in my house, I was less stressed. I worried all the time about him and his drinking. The kids love him so much and they would hate to see him go again. I just am confused of what to do. My family would be furious if they found out he was living here. I had hopes that he would stay sober and I would be able to convince my family he had changed.
I guess I may not ever have to tell them as he might not be in this house much longer.
I told him last night that I would have him move out if he continued his drinking. He said if I do that he would go back to the way he was and I wont get any money for child support if he doesn't work.
So I am in a corner.
Any opinions would be appreciated.
Pam
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 4,955
Hey Pam,
I'm sorry that you're in that dark and worried place. I know that place, I spent a lot of time there. Give yourself some time to make your decision. And make it based on what's best for you and the kids.
If you decide it's time for him to go, you will get the financial stuff worked out. I know it all looks overwhelming right now, but you will make it through this, one step at a time.
I'm sending some light your way.
Hugs,
Gabe
I'm sorry that you're in that dark and worried place. I know that place, I spent a lot of time there. Give yourself some time to make your decision. And make it based on what's best for you and the kids.
If you decide it's time for him to go, you will get the financial stuff worked out. I know it all looks overwhelming right now, but you will make it through this, one step at a time.
I'm sending some light your way.
Hugs,
Gabe
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
(((((((((((December))))))))))),
You will get an answer keep praying. Try to do something you enjoy just for yourself. Have your nails done or something.
I am sorry you are having to deal with his drinking again. I know it hurts. You know the facts he will only get clean if he really wants to. Don't beat yourself up over his choices. I say this to myself as well.
You will get an answer keep praying. Try to do something you enjoy just for yourself. Have your nails done or something.
I am sorry you are having to deal with his drinking again. I know it hurts. You know the facts he will only get clean if he really wants to. Don't beat yourself up over his choices. I say this to myself as well.
Member
Join Date: May 2003
Location: El Paso, Tx
Posts: 5,862
Hi Pam and huge hugs coming your way.
If your divorced, I'm sure you had a long heart to heart with yourself before making that decision. What compelled you to it? What did you want for yourself and children, in going through with it? Have you achieved the independance and peace because you did it? Now I ask what in all that has changed because he's back?
I'll pray you find the answers your looking for.
If your divorced, I'm sure you had a long heart to heart with yourself before making that decision. What compelled you to it? What did you want for yourself and children, in going through with it? Have you achieved the independance and peace because you did it? Now I ask what in all that has changed because he's back?
I'll pray you find the answers your looking for.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Pam
I agree that you should do what feels right for you and your children. You already know that you are not responsible for his drinking or his sobriety, so I am guessing that his manipulation using you as his excuse is not working.
As JT often says, you don't have to decide today. You can stay in this relationship one day at a time until you feel more balanced to make a choice. If the child support is all that is holding you back, just know that your needs WILL be met. Say a prayer and let God guide you.
Hugs and prayers for you and your family
Ann
I agree that you should do what feels right for you and your children. You already know that you are not responsible for his drinking or his sobriety, so I am guessing that his manipulation using you as his excuse is not working.
As JT often says, you don't have to decide today. You can stay in this relationship one day at a time until you feel more balanced to make a choice. If the child support is all that is holding you back, just know that your needs WILL be met. Say a prayer and let God guide you.
Hugs and prayers for you and your family
Ann
Member
Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: That's what I'd like to know.
Posts: 2,416
You have a working adult living in your home who is not paying rent and utilities? BOINGGGG!!!!! That was the giant ejector seat of my mind. It kind of has a hair trigger. Nothing gets my goat more than a freeloader. (Guess who had a lengthy experience with a freeloader?) If you want him, that's one thing. But don't be controlled by his feeble threats to withhold his meager contribution. Horse-hooey.
Hugs!!!!
Hugs!!!!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 407
Smoke -
Horse-hooey? I always say horse-pucky. Pretty sure it means the same thing!!!! However it is said, Pam, I agree with Smoke. Just put your kids needs and your own first and you will be making the right decision.
Hugs, Jo
Horse-hooey? I always say horse-pucky. Pretty sure it means the same thing!!!! However it is said, Pam, I agree with Smoke. Just put your kids needs and your own first and you will be making the right decision.
Hugs, Jo
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2004
Location: Mt Pleasant SC
Posts: 9
Thanks for all your kind words. Today I really needed some support. I guess I have needed it for some time but today is the day I asked for it.
I know what my head is telling me and it is saying RUN FAST.
Having three kids who love him so much , keeps me from running too far.
My two oldest children were so upset tonight when they realized he wasn't coming home again tonight. They were more mad than sad. My son Jay said to "kick his butt out". As much as they love him, they remember those many days of his drunken self.
It is nice to have someone elses insight on what is going on here. I was a little irritated last night when he said he keeps money aside for hotel rooms so when I "**** him off" He can get away from me"
If he has money to set aside for that, then darn it he can help out with the bills. He figures his child support should pay his household bills when he stays here/ I am not stupid as I may look when he is drinking. But as I see it if he wasn;t here I would still get that child support and I would not have to feed him, do his laundry , clean up after him and deal with his drinking.
It is just hard to keep kicking him out of the house. All he really has is clothes here .
I appreciate your responses. I will stay around here . Thanks for making me feel welcome.
Pam
I know what my head is telling me and it is saying RUN FAST.
Having three kids who love him so much , keeps me from running too far.
My two oldest children were so upset tonight when they realized he wasn't coming home again tonight. They were more mad than sad. My son Jay said to "kick his butt out". As much as they love him, they remember those many days of his drunken self.
It is nice to have someone elses insight on what is going on here. I was a little irritated last night when he said he keeps money aside for hotel rooms so when I "**** him off" He can get away from me"
If he has money to set aside for that, then darn it he can help out with the bills. He figures his child support should pay his household bills when he stays here/ I am not stupid as I may look when he is drinking. But as I see it if he wasn;t here I would still get that child support and I would not have to feed him, do his laundry , clean up after him and deal with his drinking.
It is just hard to keep kicking him out of the house. All he really has is clothes here .
I appreciate your responses. I will stay around here . Thanks for making me feel welcome.
Pam
Supply Manager
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
Pam,
I have had to kick my son out more than once and you are right, it is hard. The worst thing I think I ever did was be wishy washy about it. By that I mean saying things I didn't mean or making empty threats.
Take your time and know what it is you really want. It sounds like that is "out" so think it though. Have the kids gone...I don't care what they say they always want mom and dad together.
It won't be easy. You had expectations going in but it hasn't lived up to what you hoped it would. I would like you to remember how far you got on your own...this is only a set back.
I wish you well,
JT
I have had to kick my son out more than once and you are right, it is hard. The worst thing I think I ever did was be wishy washy about it. By that I mean saying things I didn't mean or making empty threats.
Take your time and know what it is you really want. It sounds like that is "out" so think it though. Have the kids gone...I don't care what they say they always want mom and dad together.
It won't be easy. You had expectations going in but it hasn't lived up to what you hoped it would. I would like you to remember how far you got on your own...this is only a set back.
I wish you well,
JT
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2004
Location: Mt Pleasant SC
Posts: 9
JT,
It is hard allowing him to come and go again and again.
It is hard being a single parent. BUT It is much easier being a single parent than it is living with an alcoholic.
With him, it is always about his recovery and his addiction, his moods, his stresses etc........
When I talk about what his drinking does to me it is always his comment that I create stresses on my own. That it is not his drinking.
He thinks that I do not do enough to make us work as a couple. He still calls me his wife even though we are divorced.
Maybe I am tired of trying to make it work.
I know my kids would rather have us together than apart. That is what is tearing me apart. I feel guilty for getting their hopes up just to knock them down again. It is not fair to them. If I could do this all over, I would have told him to stay somewhere else for a period of time until I saw that he was serious about his sobriety. If I have to lie to my family that is a sign that they might know what is best more than I do.
I have prayed about this but am confused of what is the right thing to do.
Pam
It is hard allowing him to come and go again and again.
It is hard being a single parent. BUT It is much easier being a single parent than it is living with an alcoholic.
With him, it is always about his recovery and his addiction, his moods, his stresses etc........
When I talk about what his drinking does to me it is always his comment that I create stresses on my own. That it is not his drinking.
He thinks that I do not do enough to make us work as a couple. He still calls me his wife even though we are divorced.
Maybe I am tired of trying to make it work.
I know my kids would rather have us together than apart. That is what is tearing me apart. I feel guilty for getting their hopes up just to knock them down again. It is not fair to them. If I could do this all over, I would have told him to stay somewhere else for a period of time until I saw that he was serious about his sobriety. If I have to lie to my family that is a sign that they might know what is best more than I do.
I have prayed about this but am confused of what is the right thing to do.
Pam
Supply Manager
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
Pam,
I agree with every thing you are saying.
Guilt for me is what makes me do all the wrong things. In fact I avoid it as much as I can! You feel guilty about your kids...who wouldn't?? You say you got their hopes up and maybe you did but here you are. All you can do now is ease out of this in the best way you can. That is why I suggest taking a bit of time to orchestrate it.
I am in no way implying that you are not sure in your convictions...I am starting to hate the written word...you are very clear about that. In fact I admire you for it!
Hugs,
JT
I agree with every thing you are saying.
Guilt for me is what makes me do all the wrong things. In fact I avoid it as much as I can! You feel guilty about your kids...who wouldn't?? You say you got their hopes up and maybe you did but here you are. All you can do now is ease out of this in the best way you can. That is why I suggest taking a bit of time to orchestrate it.
I am in no way implying that you are not sure in your convictions...I am starting to hate the written word...you are very clear about that. In fact I admire you for it!
Hugs,
JT
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