Dealing with parents' alcoholism as an adult child "who woke up" and feels stupid
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 923
Dealing with parents' alcoholism as an adult child "who woke up" and feels stupid
My parents were both alcoholics.
I discovered in a fairly accidental way...as my oldest daughter began to party and use drugs and go to raves...and threw myself into Tough Love for her...then my second daughter (third child) got into drugs early in high school and that time, I had decided to leave my career and stay home with my teenagers...to be the best mother I could be (I was an overachiever and perfectionist--now in recovery...and was really out of touch).
This child went rapidly from beer to crystal meth...even seeming to accelerate through her sophomore year in high school and the junior and senior years were all about rehabs, therapy (for me, family and her), 5150's at the hospital as she really got crazy when she got C's and was fixated on the football team captain (we later found out there were huge alcohol issues on the football team).
In any case, I always knew that my husband drank and his father was an alcoholic, but didn't think much about my parents' drinking...but Dad always had a bottle of alcohol with him and he and my mother always had their drinks. I remember that as early as age 10 or 11...and at 16, they would offer me a cocktail so that I wouldn't be so "uptight".
Well, long story short, I started checking in with myself and the doctors' at daughter's rehab and my therapy led to me figuring out more about my hubby's drinking and determined that, in fact, my parents were alcoholics.
Mistake I made was to mention it to siblings after Dad's death 13 years ago and when the 2nd daughter was addicted to crystal meth. Nobody told me that it was the wrong thing to say...but after that...it was all about me being "crazy" and bipolar (I was already under medical attention and diagnosis) "like" Dad's sister...mom always maintained that dad was perfect but the rest of his family was awful...and, in fact, every one of them drank, did prescription drugs or was anxious and depressed (don't know about the bipolar, it was never mentioned until Mom blamed me for it in front of my girls).
She did it the night before I took my daughter for inpatient treatment and detoxing for crystal meth...because it was clear that daughter was using...and although I am super naive...I knew my daughter wasn't all right. I had already been in treatment with her for two years...so I knew she wasn't ok, but I didn't know what was wrong...however, Kaiser took her in and she needed two days of detoxing and then was admitted for a psychological episode. That day, I told my family that things were really bad and one of my children...my son...said...Mom...the only one with a problem here is you.
Now, it is 8 years later. I continued to support her and not enable to the best of my ability. Some good things happened...the older daughter went from denial to letting us know (a second time) that she was hallucinating--she got clean as she got pregnant...and now is the mother of 7 1/2 year old twins. She brought them home from her boyfriends' house when they were about a year old and we took them in so that she could finish college and get a job and be on her own and maintain her children.
Over the years, I also woke up to the fact that my mother went from thinking I was fabulous...(when I was working 80 hrs a week at my management career in accounting and "being there" for her when my father went through the last eleven years of his life after a massive stroke. He also always did everything for her...and as the oldest child, I guess it got into me too.
I did this craziness at the same time I was dealing with having lost an infant child and doing work around that too...for the healthiest family possible)...to being completely negative with me two years after Dad died, telling me that "children are to be seen and not heard" when I was 47 and after doing all this...and also repeating words that my sister had said to me (& my sister was repeating also from my mom)--and the sister who had been my "best" friend after Dad's stroke and baby's death...all of a sudden was too busy. Well, I tried and tried, but I had written Mom a letter asking her to help me around my daughters' acting out, before I knew it was crystal meth...and she hasn't forgiven me until this day...she completely misinterpreted my tales of pain and asking her to stand by me...to mean that she was a "horrible" mother...or she picks at me...or gives me silent treatment...but certainly not one to reach out, not one to respond to nice or loving.
After trying almost obsessively for the 13 years...I had to just let it go...don't know the word for it...but it just became clear to me that she is incapable. She also drinks and has for many years...probably non-stop, although I was in denial and totally oblivious for much of it. She told me I am mentally ill and need major medication...which is her projecting...but I do get like the little kid when it happens...before that...when telling the family that my crystal meth addict daughter was perfectly normal; it was me that was "crazy"...meaning bipolar...as she told me perfectly lucidly a few years ago when I told her what had happened...she simply came up with that...and also made a big deal that I was a drug addict because I went on anti-depressants.
For the life of me, I wish I had never said any of those things...but they were truth and up to that point in my life...I listened to everything she ever had to tell me (about so many family issues about all the people she didn't like; but Dad was "perfect"). Well, I also got those traits and have been working for years to work out of them. Well, now...for the 2nd time in 13 years...my mother is hanging up on me when I say anything...and two of the three remaining siblings as well...and as I have addiction in my own children...although 2 of the three have moved on to live functional lives...for themselves...and my sister has called me selfish and a narcissist for the past 13 years...seemingly forgetting all the years she spent at my house.
Me, I've been working, dealing with one or two addicted daughters at a time, waking up to my own codependency and ACOA tendencies...and having some good breakthroughs and times...and then...another crisis. I no longer blame myself for the addictions...but hubby continued to drink heavily on weekends until about 6-7 years ago (he seems to have tried to not drink so much, but we don't talk about it...he did therapy for his daughters though...so maybe something sank through), and now with the third daughter in active heroin addiction.
My biological family has cut me off...in silent treatment (I finally figured out that that is a sign of anger on my mother's part and a refusal to be involved in anything difficult in my life...has been true since I was a kid...although I was always there for her)...and now my adult children (the ex-crystal meth addict and her two codependent siblings...one really codependent) have chosen to cut off the heroin addict daughter (which is healthy) and to try to control my behavior...which I stopped, but was not nice about it at all...then apologized.
Hubby and I are starting over...finally realized that the ex crystal meth daughter was never going to stop manipulating and getting the material stuff she wanted...and we are in his home country starting over. Seems drastic, but we did get away...and she is now furious with me (nice to daddy) and threatening to throw away the household goods we are saving to bring and has refused to receive me if I were to return to the states to work. Her older brother the same and has told me that "she is just this way...angry and lashing out...but if we love her, we will take her as she is"--major codependence...and I had a huge stress attack, depression, and finally cried and kind of acted out with just saying my feelings and truth.
It has come to feel to me like an enormous spider web that I can't get out of...and I have done work...so I am feeling kind of hopeless and with absolutely no support. Hubby will not tolerate any kind of "truth" or directness...and will do anything to "protect" the kids...so I am the bad guy or cop...and I remember my Dad was always the bad cop...although he was the one who nurtured us kids and i got my nurturing from him.
I would appreciate any input...I am simply doing my day to day stuff...reinventing myself from an accounting manager into an english teacher with my own brain and some contacts I am making (the doctor told me a few years ago that I NEEDED less stress in my life and that he was not going to let me tell him about one more crisis or need from my family that I was NEEDED to help resolve) and I am taking it easy...and resting and trying to process out a huge overload of emotions...from the past 13 years...and wondering if I am the sick one...and if it is all my fault.
But I have done work...and I have had break throughs and the others are all in the same place they were when I started doing my work. Please help me know if this is normal. I am back in active recovery...for daughter #3...detaching from the others and re-detaching from hubby. I learned to do this with daughter #1...it was so hard...grateful it isn't hard today.
I feel as if I am in the movie Groundhog Day and the cycle is just a re-run over and over again. I also observed these behaviors in my own Grandmother's home...she had 7 children...they all had their issues...some serious even though people on the outside didn't know...and my own mother acts as if she had a perfect family, but I pursued a story about her mother "going crazy" (my mother uses the word crazy and is willfully ignorant and stigmatizes mental health which is understandable to me based on her childhood, but her retaliation has been fierce and harmful...which I never would have guessed) from change of life, but her husband also contracted syphilis and I accidentally discovered it in doing family research and she will never forgive me for that...although it was by mistake and I was researching family illness history as I had a bad perimenopause and didn't want to be "crazy."
Long story short...not crazy...but going through a lot of emotions coming in and realizing that I have been acting crazy in trying to fix and make things work...and that I need to get calm enough to make decisions...but with both families seemingly very off in their own worlds where my honesty and transparency is not accepted...and in fact the denial has been brutal and with lots of accusations.
Anybody know what this is about...or am I crazy? I don't think so, but the move and starting over...would have been enough...with the active addict daughter and the rest of the family (who all received all the love and support they ever needed from their Dad and I)...it feels as if I have landed on a whole new planet. This happened when Dad died too...I thought that as I helped and supported others and am especially encouraging and reach out in communication and praise...so I would be supported, but that is not the case...and I am feeling very afraid and alone.
I discovered in a fairly accidental way...as my oldest daughter began to party and use drugs and go to raves...and threw myself into Tough Love for her...then my second daughter (third child) got into drugs early in high school and that time, I had decided to leave my career and stay home with my teenagers...to be the best mother I could be (I was an overachiever and perfectionist--now in recovery...and was really out of touch).
This child went rapidly from beer to crystal meth...even seeming to accelerate through her sophomore year in high school and the junior and senior years were all about rehabs, therapy (for me, family and her), 5150's at the hospital as she really got crazy when she got C's and was fixated on the football team captain (we later found out there were huge alcohol issues on the football team).
In any case, I always knew that my husband drank and his father was an alcoholic, but didn't think much about my parents' drinking...but Dad always had a bottle of alcohol with him and he and my mother always had their drinks. I remember that as early as age 10 or 11...and at 16, they would offer me a cocktail so that I wouldn't be so "uptight".
Well, long story short, I started checking in with myself and the doctors' at daughter's rehab and my therapy led to me figuring out more about my hubby's drinking and determined that, in fact, my parents were alcoholics.
Mistake I made was to mention it to siblings after Dad's death 13 years ago and when the 2nd daughter was addicted to crystal meth. Nobody told me that it was the wrong thing to say...but after that...it was all about me being "crazy" and bipolar (I was already under medical attention and diagnosis) "like" Dad's sister...mom always maintained that dad was perfect but the rest of his family was awful...and, in fact, every one of them drank, did prescription drugs or was anxious and depressed (don't know about the bipolar, it was never mentioned until Mom blamed me for it in front of my girls).
She did it the night before I took my daughter for inpatient treatment and detoxing for crystal meth...because it was clear that daughter was using...and although I am super naive...I knew my daughter wasn't all right. I had already been in treatment with her for two years...so I knew she wasn't ok, but I didn't know what was wrong...however, Kaiser took her in and she needed two days of detoxing and then was admitted for a psychological episode. That day, I told my family that things were really bad and one of my children...my son...said...Mom...the only one with a problem here is you.
Now, it is 8 years later. I continued to support her and not enable to the best of my ability. Some good things happened...the older daughter went from denial to letting us know (a second time) that she was hallucinating--she got clean as she got pregnant...and now is the mother of 7 1/2 year old twins. She brought them home from her boyfriends' house when they were about a year old and we took them in so that she could finish college and get a job and be on her own and maintain her children.
Over the years, I also woke up to the fact that my mother went from thinking I was fabulous...(when I was working 80 hrs a week at my management career in accounting and "being there" for her when my father went through the last eleven years of his life after a massive stroke. He also always did everything for her...and as the oldest child, I guess it got into me too.
I did this craziness at the same time I was dealing with having lost an infant child and doing work around that too...for the healthiest family possible)...to being completely negative with me two years after Dad died, telling me that "children are to be seen and not heard" when I was 47 and after doing all this...and also repeating words that my sister had said to me (& my sister was repeating also from my mom)--and the sister who had been my "best" friend after Dad's stroke and baby's death...all of a sudden was too busy. Well, I tried and tried, but I had written Mom a letter asking her to help me around my daughters' acting out, before I knew it was crystal meth...and she hasn't forgiven me until this day...she completely misinterpreted my tales of pain and asking her to stand by me...to mean that she was a "horrible" mother...or she picks at me...or gives me silent treatment...but certainly not one to reach out, not one to respond to nice or loving.
After trying almost obsessively for the 13 years...I had to just let it go...don't know the word for it...but it just became clear to me that she is incapable. She also drinks and has for many years...probably non-stop, although I was in denial and totally oblivious for much of it. She told me I am mentally ill and need major medication...which is her projecting...but I do get like the little kid when it happens...before that...when telling the family that my crystal meth addict daughter was perfectly normal; it was me that was "crazy"...meaning bipolar...as she told me perfectly lucidly a few years ago when I told her what had happened...she simply came up with that...and also made a big deal that I was a drug addict because I went on anti-depressants.
For the life of me, I wish I had never said any of those things...but they were truth and up to that point in my life...I listened to everything she ever had to tell me (about so many family issues about all the people she didn't like; but Dad was "perfect"). Well, I also got those traits and have been working for years to work out of them. Well, now...for the 2nd time in 13 years...my mother is hanging up on me when I say anything...and two of the three remaining siblings as well...and as I have addiction in my own children...although 2 of the three have moved on to live functional lives...for themselves...and my sister has called me selfish and a narcissist for the past 13 years...seemingly forgetting all the years she spent at my house.
Me, I've been working, dealing with one or two addicted daughters at a time, waking up to my own codependency and ACOA tendencies...and having some good breakthroughs and times...and then...another crisis. I no longer blame myself for the addictions...but hubby continued to drink heavily on weekends until about 6-7 years ago (he seems to have tried to not drink so much, but we don't talk about it...he did therapy for his daughters though...so maybe something sank through), and now with the third daughter in active heroin addiction.
My biological family has cut me off...in silent treatment (I finally figured out that that is a sign of anger on my mother's part and a refusal to be involved in anything difficult in my life...has been true since I was a kid...although I was always there for her)...and now my adult children (the ex-crystal meth addict and her two codependent siblings...one really codependent) have chosen to cut off the heroin addict daughter (which is healthy) and to try to control my behavior...which I stopped, but was not nice about it at all...then apologized.
Hubby and I are starting over...finally realized that the ex crystal meth daughter was never going to stop manipulating and getting the material stuff she wanted...and we are in his home country starting over. Seems drastic, but we did get away...and she is now furious with me (nice to daddy) and threatening to throw away the household goods we are saving to bring and has refused to receive me if I were to return to the states to work. Her older brother the same and has told me that "she is just this way...angry and lashing out...but if we love her, we will take her as she is"--major codependence...and I had a huge stress attack, depression, and finally cried and kind of acted out with just saying my feelings and truth.
It has come to feel to me like an enormous spider web that I can't get out of...and I have done work...so I am feeling kind of hopeless and with absolutely no support. Hubby will not tolerate any kind of "truth" or directness...and will do anything to "protect" the kids...so I am the bad guy or cop...and I remember my Dad was always the bad cop...although he was the one who nurtured us kids and i got my nurturing from him.
I would appreciate any input...I am simply doing my day to day stuff...reinventing myself from an accounting manager into an english teacher with my own brain and some contacts I am making (the doctor told me a few years ago that I NEEDED less stress in my life and that he was not going to let me tell him about one more crisis or need from my family that I was NEEDED to help resolve) and I am taking it easy...and resting and trying to process out a huge overload of emotions...from the past 13 years...and wondering if I am the sick one...and if it is all my fault.
But I have done work...and I have had break throughs and the others are all in the same place they were when I started doing my work. Please help me know if this is normal. I am back in active recovery...for daughter #3...detaching from the others and re-detaching from hubby. I learned to do this with daughter #1...it was so hard...grateful it isn't hard today.
I feel as if I am in the movie Groundhog Day and the cycle is just a re-run over and over again. I also observed these behaviors in my own Grandmother's home...she had 7 children...they all had their issues...some serious even though people on the outside didn't know...and my own mother acts as if she had a perfect family, but I pursued a story about her mother "going crazy" (my mother uses the word crazy and is willfully ignorant and stigmatizes mental health which is understandable to me based on her childhood, but her retaliation has been fierce and harmful...which I never would have guessed) from change of life, but her husband also contracted syphilis and I accidentally discovered it in doing family research and she will never forgive me for that...although it was by mistake and I was researching family illness history as I had a bad perimenopause and didn't want to be "crazy."
Long story short...not crazy...but going through a lot of emotions coming in and realizing that I have been acting crazy in trying to fix and make things work...and that I need to get calm enough to make decisions...but with both families seemingly very off in their own worlds where my honesty and transparency is not accepted...and in fact the denial has been brutal and with lots of accusations.
Anybody know what this is about...or am I crazy? I don't think so, but the move and starting over...would have been enough...with the active addict daughter and the rest of the family (who all received all the love and support they ever needed from their Dad and I)...it feels as if I have landed on a whole new planet. This happened when Dad died too...I thought that as I helped and supported others and am especially encouraging and reach out in communication and praise...so I would be supported, but that is not the case...and I am feeling very afraid and alone.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: South Pacific
Posts: 171
Yes... I can see the whole picture... someone has to break the terrible cycle. The unimaginable [emotional] pain and horror of living day to day.
I was labelled as crazy early... I learned at age 17 that 'treatment' did not change anything.
The route I took has bought me here today...
it hasn't bin easy- but it is what I had to do... it was easy to read and understand your share, Iris. I am the oldest who took care of our dad- who was disinherited when he died and despised by the others...
...not sad and bitter any more- but a whole lot wiser...
stand tall!
-DavidG.
I was labelled as crazy early... I learned at age 17 that 'treatment' did not change anything.
The route I took has bought me here today...
it hasn't bin easy- but it is what I had to do... it was easy to read and understand your share, Iris. I am the oldest who took care of our dad- who was disinherited when he died and despised by the others...
...not sad and bitter any more- but a whole lot wiser...
stand tall!
-DavidG.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,437
Do you attend any meetings for Alanon or ACoA? Please find them and attend, and read read read. Help yourself heal now. Let all the others find their path, but you cannot be of any use to them until you are healthy, and even then they must find their own path.
One Alanon example I learned very early fits your dynamics. When you are enmeshed in such a system you are a building block in a human pyramid. Then when you "wake up" and want to leave this human pyramid of miserable suffering and step away the whole family starts to fall over and crashes. Who gets blamed? The one that steps away of course. Then they try to rebuild the human pyramid and there is a missing block, you, that continues to be blamed. Scapegoat.
But that doesn't mean what you did is wrong by any means. They all need to step away too, and heal. But when they do is up to them.
Drugs and alcohol have taken a might toll on your family and I pray that you can find peace and strength.
One Alanon example I learned very early fits your dynamics. When you are enmeshed in such a system you are a building block in a human pyramid. Then when you "wake up" and want to leave this human pyramid of miserable suffering and step away the whole family starts to fall over and crashes. Who gets blamed? The one that steps away of course. Then they try to rebuild the human pyramid and there is a missing block, you, that continues to be blamed. Scapegoat.
But that doesn't mean what you did is wrong by any means. They all need to step away too, and heal. But when they do is up to them.
Drugs and alcohol have taken a might toll on your family and I pray that you can find peace and strength.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: it's complicated
Posts: 99
I think it is hard to focus on my own problems, which is where I can truly make a difference, while using all or nothing, black or white thinking. It is not a matter of am I crazy ~or~ are they crazy, is it my fault or is it someone else's.
There is plenty of crazy to go around, and plenty of responsibility. I learned from step one that when I try to take responsibility for someone else's responsibilities, my life becomes unmanageable.
The blame game is not one I can afford to play on any level. We are all human and all suffering, I want to do the best I can for myself and others.
There is plenty of crazy to go around, and plenty of responsibility. I learned from step one that when I try to take responsibility for someone else's responsibilities, my life becomes unmanageable.
The blame game is not one I can afford to play on any level. We are all human and all suffering, I want to do the best I can for myself and others.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 923
David G.-thank you for saying you understand...i needed that. also to get from your post that what happened to me is what happens...and is not weird in this kind of family.
Reedling...appreciate the comment about black & white...I have had a relapse about black & white...as part of the stress of the move and the immediate family reaction to my stress...very black & white...and had been "wondering" about that...so will step back and let things be what they are...and not be impulsive in trying to "fix" something...finally clear I cannot fix anything even if I had the energy or resources to do so...that is probably a good place to be in.
Kialua--great example...and I am in the process of taking your advice...
Thank you all from the bottom of my heart...today will be easier because of being able to reach out yesterday.
Reedling...appreciate the comment about black & white...I have had a relapse about black & white...as part of the stress of the move and the immediate family reaction to my stress...very black & white...and had been "wondering" about that...so will step back and let things be what they are...and not be impulsive in trying to "fix" something...finally clear I cannot fix anything even if I had the energy or resources to do so...that is probably a good place to be in.
Kialua--great example...and I am in the process of taking your advice...
Thank you all from the bottom of my heart...today will be easier because of being able to reach out yesterday.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: it's complicated
Posts: 99
I spent yesterday applying all that to a work problem where I've felt helpless and stuck! I must have mentioned this here because I really needed it.
I was trying to fix other peoples' parts of a problem and I just wasn't getting anywhere and felt so hopeless. Once this became clear... I could finally move forward with doing my part.
I was trying to fix other peoples' parts of a problem and I just wasn't getting anywhere and felt so hopeless. Once this became clear... I could finally move forward with doing my part.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
