Scary Big Day Today
My emotional baggage
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Northern CA
Posts: 285
Scary Big Day Today
Ok, some of you know my story, here is the next chapter.....
So I moved out a year an a half ago. I took minimal items from the house. I finally have a court order to go back to my family home with my attorney present, his attorney present and I just found out a local sherriff ( I will be armed with video camera). I am to go to the house inspect what items are still there so we can start the division of property. We have a 40 acre ranch so it will be quite a bit. He may have had a bonfire with my items, but I need to find out, either way. (PS. he is a Police Officer)
The issue is, I have a restraining order against him and he is adamantly against me going there. He has not spoken to the boys for the six weeks since we got the no visitiation order from the judge. He finally spoke to my younger son last night. I don't know his frame of mind and I am scared to say the least.
Here is the thing though, I need to stand up to him. I need him to know that I will be doing what needs to be done, is court ordered and is right. I might have to get the law involved to make sure I am safe doing it, but D@MN it, I have every right to see if my things are still there. I have handmade items from my great grandmother, my childrens baby photos, etc. I am not going there to see if the big screen tv is there, I would like my heirlooms. I know eveyone is going to say walk away you have your life away from him but I don't think that is always the best course of action with a bully. And I worked just as hard as he did for everything we have.
I just wanted to post because I am very, very afraid. But the time has come. I am done being walked on and pushed around.
4MyBoys
So I moved out a year an a half ago. I took minimal items from the house. I finally have a court order to go back to my family home with my attorney present, his attorney present and I just found out a local sherriff ( I will be armed with video camera). I am to go to the house inspect what items are still there so we can start the division of property. We have a 40 acre ranch so it will be quite a bit. He may have had a bonfire with my items, but I need to find out, either way. (PS. he is a Police Officer)
The issue is, I have a restraining order against him and he is adamantly against me going there. He has not spoken to the boys for the six weeks since we got the no visitiation order from the judge. He finally spoke to my younger son last night. I don't know his frame of mind and I am scared to say the least.
Here is the thing though, I need to stand up to him. I need him to know that I will be doing what needs to be done, is court ordered and is right. I might have to get the law involved to make sure I am safe doing it, but D@MN it, I have every right to see if my things are still there. I have handmade items from my great grandmother, my childrens baby photos, etc. I am not going there to see if the big screen tv is there, I would like my heirlooms. I know eveyone is going to say walk away you have your life away from him but I don't think that is always the best course of action with a bully. And I worked just as hard as he did for everything we have.
I just wanted to post because I am very, very afraid. But the time has come. I am done being walked on and pushed around.
4MyBoys
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 2,349
Hugs to you today! You are capable and strong enough to do what is right. I would go back for my heirlooms too. Let us know how it goes, just know that you have the support from so many here and that we are rooting for you!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
I have handmade items from my great grandmother, my children's baby photos, etc. I am not going there to see if the big screen TV is there, I would like my heirlooms.
At least to get your heirlooms back.
Not talked to his children? I just do not know what to say to that. Out of everything to punish them with the silent treatment. Sigh.......
You have the right to your things of course. No need to tell you that your safety is the most important. If facing the bully will help bring an end to this for you, I will pray that will happen, and there will be no more contact after the division of property.
I will pray for your safety and the sheriff keeps his eyes open and sharp.
Beth
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 391
4MyBoys,
This is a scary big day. And I believe that you do have right to your things. And although I haven't always been very good at it in practice, standing up for yourself is a good thing D%#@ it!!! It's not like your being confrontational or being possessive of petty objects. Will he be there when all of this happens?
I'm sure he's viewed his possession of your stuff and having the ranch as a victory or a coup over you - and you will be snatching that from him. I would expect he won't be too happy about it.
I'm scared for you but support you in doing what you think is right. You've been so incredibly strong and dignified through this whole thing. I know how hard it has been for you.
I am sending all the love, support and positive vibes that I can that this goes well and the division of property comes out as it should.
Lots and lots of hugs,
MamaKit
This is a scary big day. And I believe that you do have right to your things. And although I haven't always been very good at it in practice, standing up for yourself is a good thing D%#@ it!!! It's not like your being confrontational or being possessive of petty objects. Will he be there when all of this happens?
I'm sure he's viewed his possession of your stuff and having the ranch as a victory or a coup over you - and you will be snatching that from him. I would expect he won't be too happy about it.
I'm scared for you but support you in doing what you think is right. You've been so incredibly strong and dignified through this whole thing. I know how hard it has been for you.
I am sending all the love, support and positive vibes that I can that this goes well and the division of property comes out as it should.
Lots and lots of hugs,
MamaKit
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
You can do it. Take up space. Wiggle in your wiggle room. Spread out. Claim your space.
Pretend he's not there. The presence of all these other people will keep him in check.
In my state, the court automatically issues a provisional restraining order to keep the spouses from getting rid of or liquidating assets before the divorce is final. Do they do that in CA?
Pretend he's not there. The presence of all these other people will keep him in check.
In my state, the court automatically issues a provisional restraining order to keep the spouses from getting rid of or liquidating assets before the divorce is final. Do they do that in CA?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Central O-H-I-O
Posts: 1,689
Just wanted to say "Best of Luck", and be strong - we all know you can do this. He's an idiot, just keep that in the back of your mind. I think with all those parties present, he won't do anything stupid. And if he does, well, that will just make you look even better.
There was a reason for the RO - probably why the sheriff is there.
You can do it!!
C-OH Dad
There was a reason for the RO - probably why the sheriff is there.
You can do it!!
C-OH Dad
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,038
Imagine us right there by your side.
I totally get it. My Stbx has been living in our family house with all of my and the kids' belongings. It isn't wanting the fancy silverware, its the photos and little things like the clothes the children wore after they were first born. I have barely anything in our apartment here, either. Just toys and Ikea furniture in a tiny 4th floor walk up apartment.
I am going to have to go back within the next few months, maybe weeks, and deal with the house and our stuff.
I will need a restraining order too, and someone to stay with me.
But it will be part of moving on. Putting away the past. Facing the beast.
Take photos. Cause you might be emotional and it will be hard to notice everything. Vision does weird things when you are frightened. Then later you can reflect in case you realize things are perhaps missing or not as they should be.
I do hope you find that everything in there that you care about is just the way you left it.
I dream about going back, taking the bits that I care about, bringing them back for me and the children so that I can make more of a real home for us again.
I hope your visit back is reassuring. And that you can feel your new strength in returning to a place where things were scary. Courage!
I totally get it. My Stbx has been living in our family house with all of my and the kids' belongings. It isn't wanting the fancy silverware, its the photos and little things like the clothes the children wore after they were first born. I have barely anything in our apartment here, either. Just toys and Ikea furniture in a tiny 4th floor walk up apartment.
I am going to have to go back within the next few months, maybe weeks, and deal with the house and our stuff.
I will need a restraining order too, and someone to stay with me.
But it will be part of moving on. Putting away the past. Facing the beast.
Take photos. Cause you might be emotional and it will be hard to notice everything. Vision does weird things when you are frightened. Then later you can reflect in case you realize things are perhaps missing or not as they should be.
I do hope you find that everything in there that you care about is just the way you left it.
I dream about going back, taking the bits that I care about, bringing them back for me and the children so that I can make more of a real home for us again.
I hope your visit back is reassuring. And that you can feel your new strength in returning to a place where things were scary. Courage!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
Oh babe, I too get it. I've been know to vomit before having to see my AXH.
You are safe. You will have two attorneys and a sheriff. I know your AXH is bigger and scarier in your mind than in reality. Because mine is. You will be exhausted after this trip. Plan on it. Have someone come in and help with the kids if you can.
I don't understand why he needs to be there? If his attorney is representing his interests, he shouldn't need to be there. If I were his attorney, though, I would encourage him to be there JUST BECAUSE it's going to intimidate you.
For me, taking a step back like that and analyzing strategy helps me detach and be less scared. If his plan is to intimidate you, breathe and make sure you don't show it if he succeeds.
And we'll be there with you in spirit.
You are safe. You will have two attorneys and a sheriff. I know your AXH is bigger and scarier in your mind than in reality. Because mine is. You will be exhausted after this trip. Plan on it. Have someone come in and help with the kids if you can.
I don't understand why he needs to be there? If his attorney is representing his interests, he shouldn't need to be there. If I were his attorney, though, I would encourage him to be there JUST BECAUSE it's going to intimidate you.
For me, taking a step back like that and analyzing strategy helps me detach and be less scared. If his plan is to intimidate you, breathe and make sure you don't show it if he succeeds.
And we'll be there with you in spirit.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Hi, 4,
Sorry I didn't get to post earlier, but I hope everything went smoothly. I'm glad you had all those people there as witnesses--I'm sure that will help you feel (and be) a lot safer.
Hope you will post back when you are done and let us know how everything went! *I* think you are very brave.
Sorry I didn't get to post earlier, but I hope everything went smoothly. I'm glad you had all those people there as witnesses--I'm sure that will help you feel (and be) a lot safer.
Hope you will post back when you are done and let us know how everything went! *I* think you are very brave.
Recovering ostrich
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Tampa Bay, Florida
Posts: 2,551
I agree with you on standing up to a bully. Are you ready if everything did go to a bonfire? You don't want to break down in front of a bully.
Best of luck to you, I think you're extremely brave.
Best of luck to you, I think you're extremely brave.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Looks like another job for the 'Codie Security Blanket'!!! 
Luckily, I have just had it freshly pressed and it smells like spring!
Sending you tons of support (and the Codie Blanket). Good luck! You can do this!!
Luckily, I have just had it freshly pressed and it smells like spring!
Sending you tons of support (and the Codie Blanket). Good luck! You can do this!!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: somewhere south
Posts: 510
Just wanted to say I understand how frightened you must be but see it as it is. He is trying to make you as frightened as possible because that's the only thing he has left. He can't control you any longer. You have moved on. You are the bigger, better one not him. You have yourself and your children which is all that really matters. I hope you are able to retrieve all the items you are looking for. Hugs on this very tough day.
Journey To Me
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Kyle, Texas
Posts: 395
You can do it. It sounds like you have a good group with you. I would also go back for the heirlooms, and if you want them I say don't let him stand in your way.
Passing you hugs and support.
Passing you hugs and support.
My emotional baggage
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Northern CA
Posts: 285
Thanks everyone. Well it was an uneventful trip, in that we didn't even speak to each other. He would have been arrested if he had.
The problem is that I have not stopped crying since I set foot on the property. It is so hard to even explain. The boys and I have all moved on and grown so much in the last year and a half. It was like going to Ms. Havisam's house in Great Expectations. All was still there but so run down. We had spent 10 years cultivating a beautiful home and property together and it was so run down. Clean but he just let everything go. All the horse fencing was broken and the gates to all the pastures open and the horses were just let roam everywhere. So horse manure all over the yard around the house. All the gardens of the trees, roses, and lillies I had hand planted were all dead in the yard. He stopped watering everything.
He removed any pictures of me and my family from the walls. Which I understand but did not move or replace so gapping holes were on the walls. The worst thing is that he has zip tied all the dead bolt handles to deck screws he put into the door jambs. Was he locking people out or our kids in? He hung pictures over the punch holes he had put in the walls from fights we had had. Which I was sure he would have patched by now. But the good things was I took pictures to use in court, then just hung the pictures back up over them.
It was devastating. This visit was just to make notes and video everything so I can put together a list of what items I wanted from the house. I was not allowed to actually take anything yesterday. I don't really care about the things but this was a horrible, horrible things to witness. It just makes me want to fight so much harder to make sure the kids don't have to go there with him again.
My attorney was horrified at his appearance. I could not even bring myself to look at him because I didn't want him to see me crying but she said he was literally skin and bones. Not just loss of any fat but no muscle tone either. He has always been lean but..... She was wondering if he could be using. I guess it was that bad. He is off work on a medical leave so maybe pain meds and drinking now??? I don't know. I don't know if it even matters to me, but he has always had so many friends and family. Where are they all? I feel nothing for him now, not even anger. Only the fierce need to keep my kids safe. But I did love him once and I am sad for that man. I am sad that his family cut ties with me and I assumed it was because they were rallying around him. But it is very obvious no one is stepping up to help him get help.
The whole thing is so sad.
4MyBoys
The problem is that I have not stopped crying since I set foot on the property. It is so hard to even explain. The boys and I have all moved on and grown so much in the last year and a half. It was like going to Ms. Havisam's house in Great Expectations. All was still there but so run down. We had spent 10 years cultivating a beautiful home and property together and it was so run down. Clean but he just let everything go. All the horse fencing was broken and the gates to all the pastures open and the horses were just let roam everywhere. So horse manure all over the yard around the house. All the gardens of the trees, roses, and lillies I had hand planted were all dead in the yard. He stopped watering everything.
He removed any pictures of me and my family from the walls. Which I understand but did not move or replace so gapping holes were on the walls. The worst thing is that he has zip tied all the dead bolt handles to deck screws he put into the door jambs. Was he locking people out or our kids in? He hung pictures over the punch holes he had put in the walls from fights we had had. Which I was sure he would have patched by now. But the good things was I took pictures to use in court, then just hung the pictures back up over them.
It was devastating. This visit was just to make notes and video everything so I can put together a list of what items I wanted from the house. I was not allowed to actually take anything yesterday. I don't really care about the things but this was a horrible, horrible things to witness. It just makes me want to fight so much harder to make sure the kids don't have to go there with him again.
My attorney was horrified at his appearance. I could not even bring myself to look at him because I didn't want him to see me crying but she said he was literally skin and bones. Not just loss of any fat but no muscle tone either. He has always been lean but..... She was wondering if he could be using. I guess it was that bad. He is off work on a medical leave so maybe pain meds and drinking now??? I don't know. I don't know if it even matters to me, but he has always had so many friends and family. Where are they all? I feel nothing for him now, not even anger. Only the fierce need to keep my kids safe. But I did love him once and I am sad for that man. I am sad that his family cut ties with me and I assumed it was because they were rallying around him. But it is very obvious no one is stepping up to help him get help.
The whole thing is so sad.
4MyBoys
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 654
I sorry going back was so painful. Even though we know someone is drinking/using it is still a shock to see the family house so run down and him looking like death walking. Thank god the children are no longer going there and you can sleep soundly knowing they are safe with you.
You did what needs to be done and you went there with the right people. You are right that you have rights too and while sometimes it is easier to just walk away, it is not always that simple. Keep standing up for yourself and doing what you feel is right.
While your emotions might be going crazy right now, things will settle back down and your normal routine will start up again. You're so strong and your children are so lucky to have you!
You did what needs to be done and you went there with the right people. You are right that you have rights too and while sometimes it is easier to just walk away, it is not always that simple. Keep standing up for yourself and doing what you feel is right.
While your emotions might be going crazy right now, things will settle back down and your normal routine will start up again. You're so strong and your children are so lucky to have you!
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Dear 4myboys, I am so sorry--it is very sad, in the final analysis. I k now you will have a certain amount of grieving to do. Cry it out. My heart goes out to you.
I hope you can take consolation in that you are doing what you have to do.
We are here for you when you need to talk about it.
dandylion
I hope you can take consolation in that you are doing what you have to do.
We are here for you when you need to talk about it.
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 391
4MyBoys,
My heart aches for you. It is so sad and must be very painful. I know that you know this, but please keep any sympathy you have for him (in his pitiful state) detached. I that I can sometimes worry what will become of my STBAXH if he does not get help...and sometimes that worry carries me away from where I need to be and I fear I will get sucked back in. I can't imagine having to witness what you did - the home and him in such horrendous condition.
I concur with dandylion, cry it out and count on us.
Hugs,
MamaKit
My heart aches for you. It is so sad and must be very painful. I know that you know this, but please keep any sympathy you have for him (in his pitiful state) detached. I that I can sometimes worry what will become of my STBAXH if he does not get help...and sometimes that worry carries me away from where I need to be and I fear I will get sucked back in. I can't imagine having to witness what you did - the home and him in such horrendous condition.
I concur with dandylion, cry it out and count on us.
Hugs,
MamaKit
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Western PA
Posts: 151
Oh wow.
I am so very sorry. What a horror to walk through the wreckage of your former home. And to see the animals and worry they will be neglected.
I can't imagine what it must be like to see him so physically deteriorated (although, I may find out someday). But thank goodness you saved yourself and your children from being dragged down with him.
I am so very sorry. What a horror to walk through the wreckage of your former home. And to see the animals and worry they will be neglected.
I can't imagine what it must be like to see him so physically deteriorated (although, I may find out someday). But thank goodness you saved yourself and your children from being dragged down with him.
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