amanda39

After I found my A brother OD'ed and very close to dead almost two weeks ago, my mom promised me she wouldn't let him come home. He refused to go to rehab and is home. She said he would only be home for the weekend, and I told her if he was still here on Monday I was leaving, and he's here. All I can do is cry and think about how uncomfortable and nervous I'm going to be staying with friends and my family and my boyfriend's family until my boyfriend and I can find a place of our own (we've been trying to move closer to the place where I attend grad school but both of us are having an extremely hard time finding jobs there). I know my brother will never go to rehab if he's given the option to stay home, and my mom won't kick him out. "You have your boyfriend, he has nobody but me" is her explanation. I'm just hoping that we find jobs and can have a place of our own soon. I hate staying in places that aren't my home, it makes me horribly anxious and sad. Maybe it will get easier as it goes.

crazybabie

Amanda, I am sorry your going through this I also hate staying anywhere that isn't my home but at least you won't be keeping a front row seat to your brothers and mothers dance. I know that for me when I was enabling my sons I thought I was doing the right thing, I felt I was all they had, I felt without me they would surely die one of my sons did overdose and after that I felt I needed to "watch" him I am not excusing what your mom is doing just sharing how I felt as a mom before I began my own recovery.

You made a boundary and your sticking to it that is a good thing. I will keep your family in my prayers.

Ann

I agree, Amanda, putting some distance between your brother and mother and you is wise. It's sad this didn't all work out nicely, but sometimes life is like that and the best thing to do is to get yourself somewhere safe, mentally, physically and emotionally.

I am glad you have friends and family to support you and hope you find happiness once you find peace.

Hugs

Maylie

It is always frustrating when we see a loved one slowly killing themselves and others enabling them and preventing any chance of the person hitting bottom. Unfotunately, just like we can't stop an addict from using we can't stop someone from enabling and therefore all we can do is take care of ourselves.

You set a boundary and stuck to it, which is great! The more boundaries we stick to the healthier we will get and also the easier it will be to keep boundaries in the future. Hopefully eventually sticking to our boundaries will become second nature to us all!

I also dislike staying at other people's homes but it is better than living in a chaotic situation. Hopefully you and your boyfriend will land jobs and this will only be a temporary arrangement.

madisonblake

Amanda - you are a stong woman. I'm sure this is difficult for you but I applaud your choice to refuse to watch this happen and want to take a front row to it.

JMFburns

amanda,

I wanted to congratulate you for taking care of yourself, that is all you can do.

Your thread made me think about my own history. I lived in a house w/my 2 adult children (son & daughter) and the son's girlfriend, it was the house my kids grew up in. My house (our neighborhood) was bought to be torn down for commercial development. My son & his girlfriend found a small duplex to rent nearby. My daughter & I moved to an apartment together.

Over time my son's drug use increased (as I look back I realize it had started when we were all living together in the house). My son lost his job, got in minor trouble with the law, went to detox, went to out patient rehab, lost his girlfriend, lost his place to live, got in more touble with the law, went to detox, became homeless, etc., etc., etc. all the while I was enabling him, mothering him, trying to save him. I thought I was doing the right thing. I couldn't let him go, I was terrified of saying "no" to him. I loved him more than I loved myselff. I thought if I could just make him happy he'd "be good". If I could say the right thing or do the right thing, if I just threw enough money at the problem it would get better, it would all be ok. (All of the money I made from the sale of my home is gone now.)

My daughter saw what was going on and hated it. We lived together and shared expenses. She refused to allow my brother into our apartment after things w/him got bad. We had a shared phone plan (in her name) and she demanded my phone back and cancelled it. She said I was only using it as a lifeline to her brother, to continue enabling him. I continued the enabling/relationship with my son, but tried to hide it from her.

The boundaries she established helped and hurt. My attending AlAnon & NarAnon, seeing a therapist, help from coworkers and digging myself into a financial pit helped me to finally hit my (enabling) bottom. It was a long, hard fall.

My son has been clean from almost 4 years (it isn't all rosy) he doesn't have a job and still struggles with 'life' or uses that as an excuse not to "get on with it" in my opinion. But that's his life now, not mine to live. My daughter, his sister has had NO relationship with him in 5-6 years. They were both at their grandfathers funeral 2 1/2 years ago, but other than that, my daughter will not be where he is. That is her decision, not mine to control.

All each of us can do is take care of ourself.