One more year has passed
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 10
One more year has passed
Hello everyone
I just wanted to tell you about what is going on in my life and I would thank you if you could tell me your opinion.
So I have been having a long distance relationship with my AH for 2 and a half years now after 1 and a half years of being separated.
I donīt like to have a long distance relationship anymore , since I think itīs not a real relationship.
I feel I have grown up and matured so much during these years and although I donīt like to be on my own all the time (I mean I would like to have a normal husband / wife relationship), I feel in general the peace I donīt have when my husband is drinking around.
I have asked him to come and live with me, to try and see how we work. I guess though deep inside I know I shouldnīt try at all and just finish with this relationship and stop wasting each otherīs time.
I wonīt deny we are good friends, long distance friends, I talk to him from 2- 4 times a week, we have kept that frecuency of talking to each other the last 2 years.
I told him to come to live with me, there are many problems to resolve before he can come but I have proposed the solutions, and even though he said he would, I feel he wonīt based on his latest comments.
SO I think that itīs time to finish, I am stronger and older than I was 4 years ago, but I canīt finish with our marriage because I love him, for the gratitude I feel towards him and for the good old memories.
I know I shouldnīt go back with him because he hasnīt stop drinking.
How can I finally say no more... I have come a long way in my recovery process, I donīt want to go back to the same old problem.
I would appreciate if you tell me what do you think
Thanks and have a great day!
I just wanted to tell you about what is going on in my life and I would thank you if you could tell me your opinion.
So I have been having a long distance relationship with my AH for 2 and a half years now after 1 and a half years of being separated.
I donīt like to have a long distance relationship anymore , since I think itīs not a real relationship.
I feel I have grown up and matured so much during these years and although I donīt like to be on my own all the time (I mean I would like to have a normal husband / wife relationship), I feel in general the peace I donīt have when my husband is drinking around.
I have asked him to come and live with me, to try and see how we work. I guess though deep inside I know I shouldnīt try at all and just finish with this relationship and stop wasting each otherīs time.
I wonīt deny we are good friends, long distance friends, I talk to him from 2- 4 times a week, we have kept that frecuency of talking to each other the last 2 years.
I told him to come to live with me, there are many problems to resolve before he can come but I have proposed the solutions, and even though he said he would, I feel he wonīt based on his latest comments.
SO I think that itīs time to finish, I am stronger and older than I was 4 years ago, but I canīt finish with our marriage because I love him, for the gratitude I feel towards him and for the good old memories.
I know I shouldnīt go back with him because he hasnīt stop drinking.
How can I finally say no more... I have come a long way in my recovery process, I donīt want to go back to the same old problem.
I would appreciate if you tell me what do you think
Thanks and have a great day!
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi Marian, I was in a similar position to you, long distance, but without the added factor of alcoholism. The time came when it felt right to make the decision. It wasn't easy; I also had a good relationship with my husband, but our paths had separated. Nobody's fault.
I think you'll get to that point, and you'll know when. The difficult part is putting it into action and then going through the financial mechanisms of divorce.
BTW my XH moved on, married and I see him and his wife several times a year with no friction at all. I think I did him a huge favour by setting him free, even though it was hard for him at the time.
I think you'll get to that point, and you'll know when. The difficult part is putting it into action and then going through the financial mechanisms of divorce.
BTW my XH moved on, married and I see him and his wife several times a year with no friction at all. I think I did him a huge favour by setting him free, even though it was hard for him at the time.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 10
Thank you for your response FeelingGreat, if I am not ready yet to end up my relationship I think that I am very close (days close to it).
I am sure that we both, my AH and I, can be happier with someone else, I am not happy now, I donīt think it should be so difficult.
So my main concern itīs to actually get to the point to say it and donīt come back asking to try again as I have done it so many times.
I think I can do it though, I hope I can anyway
I am sure that we both, my AH and I, can be happier with someone else, I am not happy now, I donīt think it should be so difficult.
So my main concern itīs to actually get to the point to say it and donīt come back asking to try again as I have done it so many times.
I think I can do it though, I hope I can anyway
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
When I split from my first husband after 13 years of marriage, he was 14 years sober. I was the one who wanted out--not because he was a bad guy, or even a bad husband, but because of where my own head was at. He was very hurt, but more than 15 years later he and I are still good friends. We talk and email all the time. He is happily remarried; I am happily single (after a couple of horrible relationships).
I never stopped loving him, though I stopped being "in love" with him. He is probably my closest friend today.
So, since your marriage has you apart on a friendly basis now, no reason that could not continue after ending it. I think that to move back in with someone who is still an active alcoholic might kill any warm feelings you still have toward each other. Sometimes best to just call it quits.
I never stopped loving him, though I stopped being "in love" with him. He is probably my closest friend today.
So, since your marriage has you apart on a friendly basis now, no reason that could not continue after ending it. I think that to move back in with someone who is still an active alcoholic might kill any warm feelings you still have toward each other. Sometimes best to just call it quits.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Dear Marian---If it ain't broke (as it once was), don't fix it! (LOL).
I have a similar situation with my ex husband as the others, above, have described. ( I remarried to a wonderful man and he recently died after years of a beautiful marriage).
W socialize together; he attends family holidays; we talk on the phone periodically; I know him better than any other living human does; we help each other out in times of difficulty;etc....this is all voluntary with no pressure or EXPECTATIONS of each other--
hence, no disappointments.
That being said, if we ever find ourselves in a situation where expectations exist--WOW---we are suddenly at each other's throats like wild dogs. My first thought is: "I know why I am not married to this man!"
One time, I dropped by his house for coffee (I was in his neighborhood), and he asked me to help him re-pot an old, HUGE, tropical plant that was sevrely root-bound and attached to it's pot. We got into such a tense argument about "HOW" to do it that I said "This isn't working--I'm going to leave!"; He replied: "Great, I wish you would!"
That is just one small example of what I am talking about. You will always have the good memories and nostalgia for the past---but that is not enough to base a marriage on. You will likely remain friends even if you remarry. I say, reconsider taking a chance on ruining what you now have.
sincerely, dandylion
I have a similar situation with my ex husband as the others, above, have described. ( I remarried to a wonderful man and he recently died after years of a beautiful marriage).
W socialize together; he attends family holidays; we talk on the phone periodically; I know him better than any other living human does; we help each other out in times of difficulty;etc....this is all voluntary with no pressure or EXPECTATIONS of each other--
hence, no disappointments.
That being said, if we ever find ourselves in a situation where expectations exist--WOW---we are suddenly at each other's throats like wild dogs. My first thought is: "I know why I am not married to this man!"
One time, I dropped by his house for coffee (I was in his neighborhood), and he asked me to help him re-pot an old, HUGE, tropical plant that was sevrely root-bound and attached to it's pot. We got into such a tense argument about "HOW" to do it that I said "This isn't working--I'm going to leave!"; He replied: "Great, I wish you would!"
That is just one small example of what I am talking about. You will always have the good memories and nostalgia for the past---but that is not enough to base a marriage on. You will likely remain friends even if you remarry. I say, reconsider taking a chance on ruining what you now have.
sincerely, dandylion
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 10
Thank you very much for your response dear Dandelion and Lexiecat.
I want to think that if my AH and I were to finish with this relationship we might be friends, but as the time goes by and the day whew I will tell him that this is the end, I start to feelvery anxious. I think that once again I won't be able to finish with him.
The thing is, that in the more than ten years that we have been together, I have threatened him with leaving finding myself coming back again.
As I said during the last four years we have been apart, I look back and I can't understand how did I take so long to sort things out.
I didn't like the idea of not having him in my life, so after a while I stopped asking him wether he was drinking or not, just to avoid the fight that would come as a result. To have a long distance fight doesn't seem right to me because things look so inconclusive afterwards.
So I have actually managed to maintain a totally unsatisfactory marriage for so long.
Although I don't really think, this is a real marriage.
He is still drinking, he told me he did last Friday. And I know I should stop this marriage. But it's so hard. I guess I came here to find the courage and to be convinced to do it.
I had forgotten, how he used to get when he didn't drink, when I asked to, very Moody and deposed. I used to feel lonely if I wasn't with him. I don't want to go back to that.
How can someone grown up as me cannot finish a relationship and hold on to the past and his telephonic support? That is what we really have now a telephonic relationship.
We have been in each others lives for more than ten years now, we surely had great times, but we have also stopped having great moments because e haven't been together. Last year, I set a time to finish with my marriage, which it's the first week of July, my main requirement was going to be to finally live together, but as the time arrive I think that there is not point on living together if after 4 years on his own, plus the previous years before that, he hasn't stopped drinking.
I guess that what I really need now is some support from you guys who read this post, to remember why I should stop and to maintain my position once the decision had been made. How do I finish? I think I must do it the next time we meet which is within 3 Weeks.
Please help !
I will also add that we are so different now, he doesn't want to have children and I do, although perhaps not with him.
Thank you!
I want to think that if my AH and I were to finish with this relationship we might be friends, but as the time goes by and the day whew I will tell him that this is the end, I start to feelvery anxious. I think that once again I won't be able to finish with him.
The thing is, that in the more than ten years that we have been together, I have threatened him with leaving finding myself coming back again.
As I said during the last four years we have been apart, I look back and I can't understand how did I take so long to sort things out.
I didn't like the idea of not having him in my life, so after a while I stopped asking him wether he was drinking or not, just to avoid the fight that would come as a result. To have a long distance fight doesn't seem right to me because things look so inconclusive afterwards.
So I have actually managed to maintain a totally unsatisfactory marriage for so long.
Although I don't really think, this is a real marriage.
He is still drinking, he told me he did last Friday. And I know I should stop this marriage. But it's so hard. I guess I came here to find the courage and to be convinced to do it.
I had forgotten, how he used to get when he didn't drink, when I asked to, very Moody and deposed. I used to feel lonely if I wasn't with him. I don't want to go back to that.
How can someone grown up as me cannot finish a relationship and hold on to the past and his telephonic support? That is what we really have now a telephonic relationship.
We have been in each others lives for more than ten years now, we surely had great times, but we have also stopped having great moments because e haven't been together. Last year, I set a time to finish with my marriage, which it's the first week of July, my main requirement was going to be to finally live together, but as the time arrive I think that there is not point on living together if after 4 years on his own, plus the previous years before that, he hasn't stopped drinking.
I guess that what I really need now is some support from you guys who read this post, to remember why I should stop and to maintain my position once the decision had been made. How do I finish? I think I must do it the next time we meet which is within 3 Weeks.
Please help !
I will also add that we are so different now, he doesn't want to have children and I do, although perhaps not with him.
Thank you!
box of chocolates
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,013
I wish I could give a better response but I have not been in a long distance relationship let alone in one with an a but I can say that you know all the bumps and bruises and the situation in your marriage and I might be out of line but in my honest opinion this relationship seems unfair and problematic to you.
I cant wrap my mind around the situation. I dont understand what the relationship if anything does for you it benefits you because ontop of not living with your husband and living long distance ...your husband also continues to drink. If he were in recovery or had just relapsed from it would make more sense to me.
If you were the one to want to live seperately because of his drinking...that would make a little more sense to me as well but as you stated you want the normal husband/wife relationship and have hinted to moving in together where his response is uncertain.
I hope im not being too blunt or stepping on your toes. Im not trying to come off harshly or anything.
I just cant see how this marriage is healthy or fair to you. It sounds like alot of heartache.
I hope it works out the way you want though, I just cant say when or if it would and it just seems sad to me. I hope you have a conversation with your husband and get the response your looking for
Good luck.
I cant wrap my mind around the situation. I dont understand what the relationship if anything does for you it benefits you because ontop of not living with your husband and living long distance ...your husband also continues to drink. If he were in recovery or had just relapsed from it would make more sense to me.
If you were the one to want to live seperately because of his drinking...that would make a little more sense to me as well but as you stated you want the normal husband/wife relationship and have hinted to moving in together where his response is uncertain.
I hope im not being too blunt or stepping on your toes. Im not trying to come off harshly or anything.
I just cant see how this marriage is healthy or fair to you. It sounds like alot of heartache.
I hope it works out the way you want though, I just cant say when or if it would and it just seems sad to me. I hope you have a conversation with your husband and get the response your looking for
Good luck.
box of chocolates
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,013
Originally Posted by Marian 
Thank you very much for your response dear Dandelion and Lexiecat.
I want to think that if my AH and I were to finish with this relationship we might be friends, but as the time goes by and the day whew I will tell him that this is the end, I start to feelvery anxious. I think that once again I won't be able to finish with him.
The thing is, that in the more than ten years that we have been together, I have threatened him with leaving finding myself coming back again.
As I said during the last four years we have been apart, I look back and I can't understand how did I take so long to sort things out.
I didn't like the idea of not having him in my life, so after a while I stopped asking him wether he was drinking or not, just to avoid the fight that would come as a result. To have a long distance fight doesn't seem right to me because things look so inconclusive afterwards.
So I have actually managed to maintain a totally unsatisfactory marriage for so long.
Although I don't really think, this is a real marriage.
He is still drinking, he told me he did last Friday. And I know I should stop this marriage. But it's so hard. I guess I came here to find the courage and to be convinced to do it.
I had forgotten, how he used to get when he didn't drink, when I asked to, very Moody and deposed. I used to feel lonely if I wasn't with him. I don't want to go back to that.
How can someone grown up as me cannot finish a relationship and hold on to the past and his telephonic support? That is what we really have now a telephonic relationship.
We have been in each others lives for more than ten years now, we surely had great times, but we have also stopped having great moments because e haven't been together. Last year, I set a time to finish with my marriage, which it's the first week of July, my main requirement was going to be to finally live together, but as the time arrive I think that there is not point on living together if after 4 years on his own, plus the previous years before that, he hasn't stopped drinking.
I guess that what I really need now is some support from you guys who read this post, to remember why I should stop and to maintain my position once the decision had been made. How do I finish? I think I must do it the next time we meet which is within 3 Weeks.
Please help !
I will also add that we are so different now, he doesn't want to have children and I do, although perhaps not with him.
Thank you!
I want to think that if my AH and I were to finish with this relationship we might be friends, but as the time goes by and the day whew I will tell him that this is the end, I start to feelvery anxious. I think that once again I won't be able to finish with him.
The thing is, that in the more than ten years that we have been together, I have threatened him with leaving finding myself coming back again.
As I said during the last four years we have been apart, I look back and I can't understand how did I take so long to sort things out.
I didn't like the idea of not having him in my life, so after a while I stopped asking him wether he was drinking or not, just to avoid the fight that would come as a result. To have a long distance fight doesn't seem right to me because things look so inconclusive afterwards.
So I have actually managed to maintain a totally unsatisfactory marriage for so long.
Although I don't really think, this is a real marriage.
He is still drinking, he told me he did last Friday. And I know I should stop this marriage. But it's so hard. I guess I came here to find the courage and to be convinced to do it.
I had forgotten, how he used to get when he didn't drink, when I asked to, very Moody and deposed. I used to feel lonely if I wasn't with him. I don't want to go back to that.
How can someone grown up as me cannot finish a relationship and hold on to the past and his telephonic support? That is what we really have now a telephonic relationship.
We have been in each others lives for more than ten years now, we surely had great times, but we have also stopped having great moments because e haven't been together. Last year, I set a time to finish with my marriage, which it's the first week of July, my main requirement was going to be to finally live together, but as the time arrive I think that there is not point on living together if after 4 years on his own, plus the previous years before that, he hasn't stopped drinking.
I guess that what I really need now is some support from you guys who read this post, to remember why I should stop and to maintain my position once the decision had been made. How do I finish? I think I must do it the next time we meet which is within 3 Weeks.
Please help !
I will also add that we are so different now, he doesn't want to have children and I do, although perhaps not with him.
Thank you!
He continues to drink, yall live seperate, long distance, he doesnt want kids but you do.
When you see him in 3 weeks be honest with him and yourself.
If you arent happy tell him, if you dont want to continue the marriage tell him.
There isntuch that I can see you are getting from him to be in a happy healthy marriage and if you are not happy. ..you can change that.
This is your life
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Originally Posted by Marian
I will also add that we are so different now, he doesn't want to have children and I do, although perhaps not with him.
Thank you!
Thank you!
Look, I understand "If it ain't broke don't fix it." If there's anyone who understands inertia, it's me. When I left my second husband (the one who went back to drinking) I was in no hurry to get divorced. My feeling was, let it ride, see what happens. HOWEVER, he was starting to make noises about moving to Africa to live with his sister. The thought of trying to actually accomplish a divorce with someone living with another country lit a fire under me and I quickly pulled together the paperwork to file for divorce (pretty uncomplicated, we owned little together and had a small amount of joint debt). By divorcing when I did, I did myself a favor by sparing myself the complications of having to serve someone in another country.
I think that by staying married, you are cutting yourself off from the future you would like to have. You might or might not remain friends after the divorce. If not, though, you will be free to meet someone who can share much more with you than the occasional phone call.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Dear marian--I want to clear up one thing--which Lexie referred to in her post. When I said "If it ain't broke-don't fix it" I MEANT THE OPPOSITE!! (i wasn't very articulate). I meant "IT IS BROKE--DONT GO BACK/END IT". That is my opinion--I know I am not supposed to give advice.
If you re-read m y first post--I have had a telephone relationship with my ex-husband for 30yrs. Even though I was with a man that I loved and married for 25yrs. My recently deceased husband and he were friendly and understood the friendship. I would NEVER live with my ex again---I couldn't imagine being married to him (check my last post)--but the friendship remains. After all these years, I suspect yours will last also.
I also agree with Lexie on this. You are cutting yourself off from the future by hanging onto the past. It is often said, on here, "don't let your past ruin your future"
It might be uncomfortable to have the conversation with him--it likely will. But--the discomfort will pass--it will pass. Often people will avoid short-term pain and destroy chances for long-term gain. You have faced pain that you didn't exactly relish--and look--you are still standing!!
How do you know that you will not be doing him a favor?? You very well could be by setting him "free". If the friendship is real--it will last. Maybe you are experiencing some co-dependent guilt. You know, we co-dependents are very pron e to this.
marian, I am sharing these thoughts with you in hopes that they may be of some help to you.
dandylion
If you re-read m y first post--I have had a telephone relationship with my ex-husband for 30yrs. Even though I was with a man that I loved and married for 25yrs. My recently deceased husband and he were friendly and understood the friendship. I would NEVER live with my ex again---I couldn't imagine being married to him (check my last post)--but the friendship remains. After all these years, I suspect yours will last also.
I also agree with Lexie on this. You are cutting yourself off from the future by hanging onto the past. It is often said, on here, "don't let your past ruin your future"
It might be uncomfortable to have the conversation with him--it likely will. But--the discomfort will pass--it will pass. Often people will avoid short-term pain and destroy chances for long-term gain. You have faced pain that you didn't exactly relish--and look--you are still standing!!
How do you know that you will not be doing him a favor?? You very well could be by setting him "free". If the friendship is real--it will last. Maybe you are experiencing some co-dependent guilt. You know, we co-dependents are very pron e to this.
marian, I am sharing these thoughts with you in hopes that they may be of some help to you.
dandylion
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 10
Thank you all for your comments,
So, thinking carefully I think that the reason because I wanted to live with my AH is because I am living a quiet life and forgot about the hard days when we were arguing all the time about his drinking and we both were agressive. Four years ago when we split up I was following this forum and found the strenght to break up with him. Then after more than a year I realised that he has a great side and I missed him and got in touch with him to try again. He was supposed to live with me and try, it hasnīt happened. I stopped goind to Al anon or reading the forums, because deep inside I wanted to continue with him and I didnīt want to hear sad stories like my own that ended up badly. I left al anon and got into the long distance relationship, fantasizing about our future, telling those fantasies to others. Because I was busy at work I didnīt noticed that all this time passed until my alternative social structure ( support from my brother and friends) dissapeared temporarily. Then I realised I didn īt have a husband, not a real one.
I was deceiving myself, made my own decision, nobody forced me "to be" with him. Nobody made me loose all those years, I rationalised it.
To avoid any type of confrontation in these years, very few times perhaps 5 o 6 I have asked him about his alcoholism, we have only talked when he has been sober. Now he feels free to tell me he has his drink every week and that he is improving, he has been improving for a long time.
So, because I know that nothing changes if nothing changes, I think that I need to change and I have decided to have a talk with him in 2 weeks. I have decided that if he is still drinking, I know he is, I will finish with our relationship.
I want to do it. Now the thing here is that because of work I am in Asia at the moment, we live in Europe, in different countries, so from last year we said we would meet here in Asia. In 2 weeks, he is coming for 3 weeks, yes he will come all the way from Europe to hear that this is the end ( this unless he stops totally his drinking and gets in to a rehab program).
When would you thing would be the best time to talk? At the begining and then ruin the rest of the holiday, in the end and just pretend for the first 3 weeks that everything is ok? What do you think? And more importantly, how do I avoid going back with him after I say I want to finish.
One issue that is hard not to mention is that in less than a year I might be able to live with him, a friend of mine, his mother and him mentioned that itīs a shame that I canīt wait just those extra months for us to be together. But really our problem is not only distance, the main concern for me is now alcohol.
I would appreciate if you tell me what you think.
Thanks for reading!
So, thinking carefully I think that the reason because I wanted to live with my AH is because I am living a quiet life and forgot about the hard days when we were arguing all the time about his drinking and we both were agressive. Four years ago when we split up I was following this forum and found the strenght to break up with him. Then after more than a year I realised that he has a great side and I missed him and got in touch with him to try again. He was supposed to live with me and try, it hasnīt happened. I stopped goind to Al anon or reading the forums, because deep inside I wanted to continue with him and I didnīt want to hear sad stories like my own that ended up badly. I left al anon and got into the long distance relationship, fantasizing about our future, telling those fantasies to others. Because I was busy at work I didnīt noticed that all this time passed until my alternative social structure ( support from my brother and friends) dissapeared temporarily. Then I realised I didn īt have a husband, not a real one.
I was deceiving myself, made my own decision, nobody forced me "to be" with him. Nobody made me loose all those years, I rationalised it.
To avoid any type of confrontation in these years, very few times perhaps 5 o 6 I have asked him about his alcoholism, we have only talked when he has been sober. Now he feels free to tell me he has his drink every week and that he is improving, he has been improving for a long time.
So, because I know that nothing changes if nothing changes, I think that I need to change and I have decided to have a talk with him in 2 weeks. I have decided that if he is still drinking, I know he is, I will finish with our relationship.
I want to do it. Now the thing here is that because of work I am in Asia at the moment, we live in Europe, in different countries, so from last year we said we would meet here in Asia. In 2 weeks, he is coming for 3 weeks, yes he will come all the way from Europe to hear that this is the end ( this unless he stops totally his drinking and gets in to a rehab program).
When would you thing would be the best time to talk? At the begining and then ruin the rest of the holiday, in the end and just pretend for the first 3 weeks that everything is ok? What do you think? And more importantly, how do I avoid going back with him after I say I want to finish.
One issue that is hard not to mention is that in less than a year I might be able to live with him, a friend of mine, his mother and him mentioned that itīs a shame that I canīt wait just those extra months for us to be together. But really our problem is not only distance, the main concern for me is now alcohol.
I would appreciate if you tell me what you think.
Thanks for reading!
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,295
What sets off an alarm to me is if you have to pretend things on this holiday. If you have to pretend anything, then you would be selling yourself short of your 4 year independence.
You've been true to yourself for the last 4 years, yes? In living your daily life? If nothing gets in the way of that on this holiday, then ok.
But with this knowledge that you plan on ending things, hiding your real thoughts would feel to me, like I was misrepresenting myself at best, and denying myself my truth.
Is it possible to have an honest 3 week holiday together at all? If not, reconsider the whole idea? Or could you two have a pleasant holiday together, knowing that you were going to finalize this "paperwork" when it was over?
You've been true to yourself for the last 4 years, yes? In living your daily life? If nothing gets in the way of that on this holiday, then ok.
But with this knowledge that you plan on ending things, hiding your real thoughts would feel to me, like I was misrepresenting myself at best, and denying myself my truth.
Is it possible to have an honest 3 week holiday together at all? If not, reconsider the whole idea? Or could you two have a pleasant holiday together, knowing that you were going to finalize this "paperwork" when it was over?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 453
Hi Marian,
Thank you for your post. I believe we may be in fairly similar situations. I'm 34, married almost 10 years, no children but want them. My AH relapsed about 20 months ago after 17 years of abstaining (I now understand he wasn't truly in recovery). I kicked AH out of the house about 10 weeks ago & we have been living separately since. Relatedly, I have some experience in the sharing of a decision while away...
My AH had quit drinking (again) on January 1. In mid-March, he was leaving for a two week work trip & we made plans for me to travel to spend a weekend with him while he was away. The day before he left, I found "concrete evidence" he had been drinking again, likely for awhile, and was devastated. I had talked with my counselor previously about kicking him out of our house so the groundwork was already laid, and originally planned to go on my weekend trip with him (not saying anything) then kick him out when he returned home. My counselor asked me - how do you plan to go through a weekend getaway with him, knowing what you plan to do, and still enjoy yourself? I didn't know. She strongly recommended I tell him while I was with him - if I knew what I was planning and preparing for, he should have a similar opportunity. Ultimately, I met him for the weekend and told myself I could tell him or not, whatever felt okay for ME at that time. I ended up flying in on Friday evening, spending the weekend together and telling him my decisions before I left town on Sunday. It was awful, but I came to the decision that I had to take advantage of the opportunity to tell him while I knew he was sober.
So, what am I trying to say? Two days with him, knowing what I knew, was awful. I couldn't imagine getting through three weeks. Are his travel arrangements refundable? I certainly understand wanting to do this face-to-face, but it is a VERY long way to go to receive devastating news and not have your support system around you. My return flights were awful - hundreds of people through three airports saw me in tears. I guess I would recommend telling him before this planned trip. Maybe you would still be able to have the time together, work out details of your divorce and enjoy some time together before your split. Or maybe he will decide to cancel and stay home to work through his own emotions.
I know I'm getting lengthy here...I, like you, want children. However, from reading stories here at SR and from a few people I know personally, I do not want to put children through the difficulties of having an active alcoholic as a parent. I have yet to reach my final decision, and my AH is taking some baby steps towards recovery. However, I also have some soft decision time frames about the progress I need to see in order to continue to have hope for the continuation of our marriage.
Sending you support and strength as you decide how to continue on your path.
Thank you for your post. I believe we may be in fairly similar situations. I'm 34, married almost 10 years, no children but want them. My AH relapsed about 20 months ago after 17 years of abstaining (I now understand he wasn't truly in recovery). I kicked AH out of the house about 10 weeks ago & we have been living separately since. Relatedly, I have some experience in the sharing of a decision while away...
My AH had quit drinking (again) on January 1. In mid-March, he was leaving for a two week work trip & we made plans for me to travel to spend a weekend with him while he was away. The day before he left, I found "concrete evidence" he had been drinking again, likely for awhile, and was devastated. I had talked with my counselor previously about kicking him out of our house so the groundwork was already laid, and originally planned to go on my weekend trip with him (not saying anything) then kick him out when he returned home. My counselor asked me - how do you plan to go through a weekend getaway with him, knowing what you plan to do, and still enjoy yourself? I didn't know. She strongly recommended I tell him while I was with him - if I knew what I was planning and preparing for, he should have a similar opportunity. Ultimately, I met him for the weekend and told myself I could tell him or not, whatever felt okay for ME at that time. I ended up flying in on Friday evening, spending the weekend together and telling him my decisions before I left town on Sunday. It was awful, but I came to the decision that I had to take advantage of the opportunity to tell him while I knew he was sober.
So, what am I trying to say? Two days with him, knowing what I knew, was awful. I couldn't imagine getting through three weeks. Are his travel arrangements refundable? I certainly understand wanting to do this face-to-face, but it is a VERY long way to go to receive devastating news and not have your support system around you. My return flights were awful - hundreds of people through three airports saw me in tears. I guess I would recommend telling him before this planned trip. Maybe you would still be able to have the time together, work out details of your divorce and enjoy some time together before your split. Or maybe he will decide to cancel and stay home to work through his own emotions.
I know I'm getting lengthy here...I, like you, want children. However, from reading stories here at SR and from a few people I know personally, I do not want to put children through the difficulties of having an active alcoholic as a parent. I have yet to reach my final decision, and my AH is taking some baby steps towards recovery. However, I also have some soft decision time frames about the progress I need to see in order to continue to have hope for the continuation of our marriage.
Sending you support and strength as you decide how to continue on your path.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
marian, I agree with Carryon. To me, it just seems dishonest and cruel to do otherwise. One simply cannot avoid the truth of the situation---because the truth will not change--it always bubbles to the surface. While telling the truth may seem more painful in the beginning--it avoid more pain (on both sides) down the line.
My ex from a previous marriage, and I have been supportive, platonic friends for 30yrs. Having to be with him for any length of time causes all the reasons that we are divorced to revisit me with full force!!!! It sounds like the conflict in your relationship hasn't been resolved---it has just been in the freezer for several years.
dandylion
My ex from a previous marriage, and I have been supportive, platonic friends for 30yrs. Having to be with him for any length of time causes all the reasons that we are divorced to revisit me with full force!!!! It sounds like the conflict in your relationship hasn't been resolved---it has just been in the freezer for several years.
dandylion
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
marian--there are some times when the most painful thing is also the right thing to do.
You have been living with this "monkey on your back" for so many years. Consider that the truth might set you both free. If friendship is there at all, it will remain.
Rely on your higher power to carry you through.
dandylion
You have been living with this "monkey on your back" for so many years. Consider that the truth might set you both free. If friendship is there at all, it will remain.
Rely on your higher power to carry you through.
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
Seems like you've been "stuck" in limbo for 4 years. Considering how fleeting this life can be, that seems like a long time to sit in neutral. You get along, but sounds like part of that is you don't really confront the fact that he's still active in his addiction. You set a time line for your freedom if nothing changed, and sounds like nothing has changed. But I agree with the others, he deserves to know the situation up front. You may want to tell him before the trip, give him the right to choose whether he even wants to follow through on going.
Someone in one of my recent AlAnon meetings said he realized that "my happiness lay on the other side of my fears." In other words, to be truly happy, he needed to get past the fears. Let go of your fears about leaving Marian, there's a life out there waiting for you to get started. (((hugs)))
Someone in one of my recent AlAnon meetings said he realized that "my happiness lay on the other side of my fears." In other words, to be truly happy, he needed to get past the fears. Let go of your fears about leaving Marian, there's a life out there waiting for you to get started. (((hugs)))
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 10
I found the courage to do it
Hello everybody!
I just wanted to write to thank you for your latest comments, but also to let you know that I feel a big relief because I talked to my AH tonight, and told him how I felt.
I told him that I wanted him to know that I am not happy with 3 important aspects of our relationship, the distance, his drinking and the fact that he doesnīt want to have children. I told him I cannot be with him with those going on and even though he only agreed with the fact that the children issue is a problem, because distance and his drinking are under control. We actually may have had a no traumatic finish. I told him I am telling him this now because I donīt want him to come all the way to Asia, just to find out that I want to finish. And he was fine, was a surprise but we were very mature.
He might consider to come on holiday here anyway, we can have a holiday as friends.
I told him how important he has been for me and how important he is, but how I cannot keep feeling bad with myself because I am not getting what I need.
I made up my mind after reading my journals and noticing that this had been going on and on for the last 5 years, without any change and because a new friend who coincidentally is a son of an A told me not to have children with my AH, with tears in his eyes. This happened yesterday.
I feel such a relief now! I donīt feel that anxiety I used to feel when we finished other times, that made me call him again. I feel fine. I know that if things were going to go this way for longer we wouldnīt have been happy. This year I will turn 33 I didnīt want to let go another year, I have given 11 years to this relationship, and donīt get me wrong I had amazing and happy times with him, and those will always be in my heart.
I am excited to think that I am finally overcoming codependence, itīs hard and I have relapses, I still try to please people and I have bursts of insecurity and low self steem, but I am a lot better than some years ago and I am working on those issues. I try to enjoy everyday even though sometimes is so hard.
I donīt know what is in life in the future, for now I want to be totally on my own at least for some time.
I donīt know if I can have babies or I am sterile, I donīt know if I will be with another man inthe future, but I do know that I will have the peace of not having alcohol around me.
For me now the main thing will be to avoid going back with him, I think it is natural to think I might do it because of my past ( I have finish like 40 times), but this one feels like the final one. I want to believe that all these years have not being wasted and that I actually learnt a lesson.
I am happy to think that I have cut the line of disfunctional families that preceded me, that is huge!
From my heart I hope he is happy
I hope I can be happy too
I will need a lot of support to mantain my decision, so I will be around here often
Thanks for reading!
And for the support through all these years!
I just wanted to write to thank you for your latest comments, but also to let you know that I feel a big relief because I talked to my AH tonight, and told him how I felt.
I told him that I wanted him to know that I am not happy with 3 important aspects of our relationship, the distance, his drinking and the fact that he doesnīt want to have children. I told him I cannot be with him with those going on and even though he only agreed with the fact that the children issue is a problem, because distance and his drinking are under control. We actually may have had a no traumatic finish. I told him I am telling him this now because I donīt want him to come all the way to Asia, just to find out that I want to finish. And he was fine, was a surprise but we were very mature.
He might consider to come on holiday here anyway, we can have a holiday as friends.
I told him how important he has been for me and how important he is, but how I cannot keep feeling bad with myself because I am not getting what I need.
I made up my mind after reading my journals and noticing that this had been going on and on for the last 5 years, without any change and because a new friend who coincidentally is a son of an A told me not to have children with my AH, with tears in his eyes. This happened yesterday.
I feel such a relief now! I donīt feel that anxiety I used to feel when we finished other times, that made me call him again. I feel fine. I know that if things were going to go this way for longer we wouldnīt have been happy. This year I will turn 33 I didnīt want to let go another year, I have given 11 years to this relationship, and donīt get me wrong I had amazing and happy times with him, and those will always be in my heart.
I am excited to think that I am finally overcoming codependence, itīs hard and I have relapses, I still try to please people and I have bursts of insecurity and low self steem, but I am a lot better than some years ago and I am working on those issues. I try to enjoy everyday even though sometimes is so hard.
I donīt know what is in life in the future, for now I want to be totally on my own at least for some time.
I donīt know if I can have babies or I am sterile, I donīt know if I will be with another man inthe future, but I do know that I will have the peace of not having alcohol around me.
For me now the main thing will be to avoid going back with him, I think it is natural to think I might do it because of my past ( I have finish like 40 times), but this one feels like the final one. I want to believe that all these years have not being wasted and that I actually learnt a lesson.
I am happy to think that I have cut the line of disfunctional families that preceded me, that is huge!
From my heart I hope he is happy
I hope I can be happy too
I will need a lot of support to mantain my decision, so I will be around here often
Thanks for reading!
And for the support through all these years!
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