XH started cycle of abuse again?
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,423
XH started cycle of abuse again?
I have had a very busy 10 days with my kids from netball, football, gymnastics, charity concerts etc. Over the weekend I had 2 Saturday sports then travelled 4 hours for an overnight stay for a Sunday gymnastics competition & 4 hours back the next day.
We were having a lovely time together when I received a text from the kids Dads stating that he thought we raised the children to say thank you for things & what had happened to that. The children had received a gift of underwear on Friday night so I asked if they had given thanks & my eldest daughter had. She also told me her Dad had had a go at her for never thanking him for phone top ups recently.
Let me point out that the reason my kids have mobile phones is only to keep in touch with their Dad who moved to another country, he bought the phones & he tops them up (sometimes I top up if funds available & they need it).
I text back that we were extremely busy with sports & were currently out of town for competition. I advised that my daughter had text his girlfriend thanks for the gift.
The reply I got was unnecessary & nasty & basically went on about how it was all my fault that they weren't grateful for things he does for them & I don't care or teach them right. I ignored this text. Then I got another nasty text stating that I never get kids to ring him & I was uncaring & that he is the giver & I am the taker just as I've always been blah blah blah. I ignored this too.
I was very upset over these unnecessary hurtful accusations.
Only 2 weeks ago I had him tell me what a wonderful mother I am.
Is this the cycle of abuse?
For many years after our marriage ended I received mental abuse from this man. In the end I had to go to the police with my texts for it to stop.
He made mine & my kids life difficult.
He has lived abroad for 21/2 years & in that time, although hard, we have built routine & lives that are functional.
Now it is 6 years since we separated & I really don't think this should still be continuing.
The kids phones have nothing to do with me & I do not know when they are topped up.
The kids Dad is coming home to live in our hometown in July & I now fear that all the abuse is going to start again & that my children are going to get caught in the middle.
I have spoken to my eldest daughter who really thinks this latest bout is mean & we have discussed ignorance of his abuse to me if it continues while she is in his care. She is happy with that.
Does anybody have any advise?
Did I handle this correctly?
I feel he is bullying me.
We were having a lovely time together when I received a text from the kids Dads stating that he thought we raised the children to say thank you for things & what had happened to that. The children had received a gift of underwear on Friday night so I asked if they had given thanks & my eldest daughter had. She also told me her Dad had had a go at her for never thanking him for phone top ups recently.
Let me point out that the reason my kids have mobile phones is only to keep in touch with their Dad who moved to another country, he bought the phones & he tops them up (sometimes I top up if funds available & they need it).
I text back that we were extremely busy with sports & were currently out of town for competition. I advised that my daughter had text his girlfriend thanks for the gift.
The reply I got was unnecessary & nasty & basically went on about how it was all my fault that they weren't grateful for things he does for them & I don't care or teach them right. I ignored this text. Then I got another nasty text stating that I never get kids to ring him & I was uncaring & that he is the giver & I am the taker just as I've always been blah blah blah. I ignored this too.
I was very upset over these unnecessary hurtful accusations.
Only 2 weeks ago I had him tell me what a wonderful mother I am.
Is this the cycle of abuse?
For many years after our marriage ended I received mental abuse from this man. In the end I had to go to the police with my texts for it to stop.
He made mine & my kids life difficult.
He has lived abroad for 21/2 years & in that time, although hard, we have built routine & lives that are functional.
Now it is 6 years since we separated & I really don't think this should still be continuing.
The kids phones have nothing to do with me & I do not know when they are topped up.
The kids Dad is coming home to live in our hometown in July & I now fear that all the abuse is going to start again & that my children are going to get caught in the middle.
I have spoken to my eldest daughter who really thinks this latest bout is mean & we have discussed ignorance of his abuse to me if it continues while she is in his care. She is happy with that.
Does anybody have any advise?
Did I handle this correctly?
I feel he is bullying me.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 391
Rosie,
I get similar treatment. It's been a challenge, but I have stopped trying to explain everthing to my STBAXH. He gets upset if, when he wants to speak to one of our boys, they are not there immediately to respond to him. He has no concept that they may be playing ball with friends or whatever and they don't have their phone right on them.
I would just say to him....I received your message, I will pass it on to the kids.
It sounds to me like he's just searching for excuses to put you down. I mean, underwear? Was it a gift, or something the kids really needed? I get that thank you is always appropriate....but goodness gracious, he's getting worked up about underwear. He's likely projecting whatever bad stuff is going on in his own life onto you.
I understand your worry about when he comes back. I think the best thing is to make sure your kids talk to you about what is going on when they are with him...and reassure them when he is being a bully that it is not their fault.
They can't be responsible for his moods and feelings. As long as they are respectful and polite...that's all they have to do. If he's miserable, that's his problem. Not their job to make him feel ok. At least for me, avoiding that trap is a key to not getting sucked into it all again.
Most of all, I think your kids know who is really looking out for them and caring for them. They get it...you are the positive influence in their life...and that will be the stronger influence.
Hugs,
MamaKit
I get similar treatment. It's been a challenge, but I have stopped trying to explain everthing to my STBAXH. He gets upset if, when he wants to speak to one of our boys, they are not there immediately to respond to him. He has no concept that they may be playing ball with friends or whatever and they don't have their phone right on them.
I would just say to him....I received your message, I will pass it on to the kids.
It sounds to me like he's just searching for excuses to put you down. I mean, underwear? Was it a gift, or something the kids really needed? I get that thank you is always appropriate....but goodness gracious, he's getting worked up about underwear. He's likely projecting whatever bad stuff is going on in his own life onto you.
I understand your worry about when he comes back. I think the best thing is to make sure your kids talk to you about what is going on when they are with him...and reassure them when he is being a bully that it is not their fault.
They can't be responsible for his moods and feelings. As long as they are respectful and polite...that's all they have to do. If he's miserable, that's his problem. Not their job to make him feel ok. At least for me, avoiding that trap is a key to not getting sucked into it all again.
Most of all, I think your kids know who is really looking out for them and caring for them. They get it...you are the positive influence in their life...and that will be the stronger influence.
Hugs,
MamaKit
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,423
Thanks Mamakit.
My daughter actually did text thanks for the underwear to XHs girlfriend who would have sent it but she didn't immediately thank a top up because she has been so busy.
Even though thanks were given he still managed to turn everything around on me.
It stressed me out but the difference between now & the abuse over past years is that I don't have to justify my behaviour to him & I am able to ignore the texts & self talk myself to knowing what he is saying is untrue.
Thanks for your input.
Hugs.
My daughter actually did text thanks for the underwear to XHs girlfriend who would have sent it but she didn't immediately thank a top up because she has been so busy.
Even though thanks were given he still managed to turn everything around on me.
It stressed me out but the difference between now & the abuse over past years is that I don't have to justify my behaviour to him & I am able to ignore the texts & self talk myself to knowing what he is saying is untrue.
Thanks for your input.
Hugs.
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