Having anxiety, Dont know what to do.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Austin
Posts: 31
Having anxiety, Dont know what to do.
(Sorry this is so long...)
I'm 27 and live with my mom, who is an untreated ACOA.
At this point, I would like to say I love her very much, but I don't know if what she's doing is wrong, or if she's in her right and I'm being stubborn. Thought I'd throw this out there, get some feedback...
I haven't been in a healthy relationship in a while. Now I'm in the beginning of one, and I think he's great (like, actually great-- normal, stable, progressing through the initial stages of establishing said relationship, you know, Normal-ish).
So I've been spending an increasing amount of time with him, and mostly on Friday nights because that's Date Night for us. For the past two or three Fridays, I've come home pretty late (like, 3 or 4 am). Granted, it's not the best idea in the world to be driving home so late, but I do want to spend time with him, and Friday nights are the most convenient since I wake up early Sunday and don't have anything to do on Saturday. Anyway, I digress...
So I came home late two Fridays ago, and my mom confronted me. When I say confronted, I mean confronted: Full on arms closed, raising her voice, insinuating that I'm sleeping around, questioning what I was doing, who I was with, just so damn rude. It literally felt like I was back in High school when I came home from Prom (PROM, ya'll) and she was waiting for me in the living room accusing me of going to a hotel room to have sex with my prom date. (Just in case you were wondering, No, we didn't. I ended up going to a breakfast diner with one of my best girlfriends and our dates, and came home at like 2:30.)
Telling me I'm not respecting myself, etc. I didn't know what to do at that point, so I answered her questions: Yes I know I'm late, It's because I'm seeing someone, His name is so-and-so and I think he's great.
It just snowballed out of control for a while, with her yelling at me, insinuating that I'm a **** and sleep around (I don't, I'm pretty traumatized from a previous sexually abusive relationship), and that I don't love her or care and just all these mean things.
Anyway, at some point, I just started answering her questions that alluded to me being an adult and that my choices were just that, MINE, and if I wanted to be responsible and stay out on the one night when I knew I didn't have anything planned for the next day, that was perfectly within my right.
She always does this one thing where as soon as I start establishing myself as an adult, at least verbally, she'll do this "WELL FINE, I'M JUST NOT GOING TO ASK YOU ANYTHING ANYMORE OR EVEN TRY, BECAUSE I'M JUST A ZERO AND DONT DESERVE FOR YOU TO SHARE YOUR LIFE WITH ME, I'M JUST GOING TO START NOT CARING AND TAKING CARE OF ONLY MYSELF," etc...
It's really self-deprecating, and it was right at this point that I just stated, "You know what, I can see where this is heading, so ok whatever you want to do is fine with me, but I'm going to bed because I'm tired and want to sleep." And I went to sleep.
Since then she has refused to speak to me, look at me, stopped buying groceries, etc. I'm still functioning as if she weren't purposefully ignoring me, but I ended up doing some research and read somewhere that purposefully ignoring someone and withholding food is a sign of emotional abuse... it certainly feels that way sometimes. She uses this way to punish me for not doing what she wants.
I feel pretty powerless. I love my mom, but I resent her to the highest degree for sh!t like this. And I can't talk to my friends because she's always the picture of perfection when they're around-- no one believes me
.
I don't know what to do, I don't know who's right or wrong. I think what I'm looking for is a sign that I'm not crazy and that what she's doing is not right. It sounds a bit self-serving, but I guess that's why I'm here. I'm open to being wrong, being wrong just means I have some inner work to do and I'm ok with constructive criticism as long as it's just that-- constructive!
Sorry this is so long, I still have a lot of feelings left in me but this is the big one I wanted to address.
-jb
I'm 27 and live with my mom, who is an untreated ACOA.
At this point, I would like to say I love her very much, but I don't know if what she's doing is wrong, or if she's in her right and I'm being stubborn. Thought I'd throw this out there, get some feedback...
I haven't been in a healthy relationship in a while. Now I'm in the beginning of one, and I think he's great (like, actually great-- normal, stable, progressing through the initial stages of establishing said relationship, you know, Normal-ish).
So I've been spending an increasing amount of time with him, and mostly on Friday nights because that's Date Night for us. For the past two or three Fridays, I've come home pretty late (like, 3 or 4 am). Granted, it's not the best idea in the world to be driving home so late, but I do want to spend time with him, and Friday nights are the most convenient since I wake up early Sunday and don't have anything to do on Saturday. Anyway, I digress...
So I came home late two Fridays ago, and my mom confronted me. When I say confronted, I mean confronted: Full on arms closed, raising her voice, insinuating that I'm sleeping around, questioning what I was doing, who I was with, just so damn rude. It literally felt like I was back in High school when I came home from Prom (PROM, ya'll) and she was waiting for me in the living room accusing me of going to a hotel room to have sex with my prom date. (Just in case you were wondering, No, we didn't. I ended up going to a breakfast diner with one of my best girlfriends and our dates, and came home at like 2:30.)
Telling me I'm not respecting myself, etc. I didn't know what to do at that point, so I answered her questions: Yes I know I'm late, It's because I'm seeing someone, His name is so-and-so and I think he's great.
It just snowballed out of control for a while, with her yelling at me, insinuating that I'm a **** and sleep around (I don't, I'm pretty traumatized from a previous sexually abusive relationship), and that I don't love her or care and just all these mean things.
Anyway, at some point, I just started answering her questions that alluded to me being an adult and that my choices were just that, MINE, and if I wanted to be responsible and stay out on the one night when I knew I didn't have anything planned for the next day, that was perfectly within my right.
She always does this one thing where as soon as I start establishing myself as an adult, at least verbally, she'll do this "WELL FINE, I'M JUST NOT GOING TO ASK YOU ANYTHING ANYMORE OR EVEN TRY, BECAUSE I'M JUST A ZERO AND DONT DESERVE FOR YOU TO SHARE YOUR LIFE WITH ME, I'M JUST GOING TO START NOT CARING AND TAKING CARE OF ONLY MYSELF," etc...
It's really self-deprecating, and it was right at this point that I just stated, "You know what, I can see where this is heading, so ok whatever you want to do is fine with me, but I'm going to bed because I'm tired and want to sleep." And I went to sleep.
Since then she has refused to speak to me, look at me, stopped buying groceries, etc. I'm still functioning as if she weren't purposefully ignoring me, but I ended up doing some research and read somewhere that purposefully ignoring someone and withholding food is a sign of emotional abuse... it certainly feels that way sometimes. She uses this way to punish me for not doing what she wants.
I feel pretty powerless. I love my mom, but I resent her to the highest degree for sh!t like this. And I can't talk to my friends because she's always the picture of perfection when they're around-- no one believes me
.I don't know what to do, I don't know who's right or wrong. I think what I'm looking for is a sign that I'm not crazy and that what she's doing is not right. It sounds a bit self-serving, but I guess that's why I'm here. I'm open to being wrong, being wrong just means I have some inner work to do and I'm ok with constructive criticism as long as it's just that-- constructive!
Sorry this is so long, I still have a lot of feelings left in me but this is the big one I wanted to address.
-jb
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Texas
Posts: 267
jellyBelly- welcome to the board from a fellow Texan 
I assume you are of age, based on your discussion. I know housing in Austin can be costly, but if you are in a position to move out, I would highly recommend that you consider doing so. Get a roommate, or even live in a small place on your own. From personal experience I can tell you that this is probably the only way you will ever have a stable relationship with your mother that does not affect you negatively.
My mother is just like yours, and if I lived with her, she would act in a similar way. Even now, when I have not lived with her for 18 years, she feels the urge to tell me what to do if I offer too much information. You need to set boundaries with her. It sounds like you already have by not listening to her and going to bed, but those boundaries are extremely hard to maintain if you are living together!
I assume you are of age, based on your discussion. I know housing in Austin can be costly, but if you are in a position to move out, I would highly recommend that you consider doing so. Get a roommate, or even live in a small place on your own. From personal experience I can tell you that this is probably the only way you will ever have a stable relationship with your mother that does not affect you negatively.
My mother is just like yours, and if I lived with her, she would act in a similar way. Even now, when I have not lived with her for 18 years, she feels the urge to tell me what to do if I offer too much information. You need to set boundaries with her. It sounds like you already have by not listening to her and going to bed, but those boundaries are extremely hard to maintain if you are living together!
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I agree with Sol--maybe time to get out on your own.
I also know that my own mom, with whom I had a GREAT relationship, totally flipped out on me when I came home at 4 am after being out with my best friend on a visit home after I was married! It wasn't that she thought I was doing anything "improper"--it was that she was worried sick and it did not even OCCUR to me to call and tell her how late I was going to be.
Now, I'm not saying that's the case with YOUR mom, but I would gently suggest that if you don't want to be answerable to anyone else, you should work on getting out on your own.
I also know that my own mom, with whom I had a GREAT relationship, totally flipped out on me when I came home at 4 am after being out with my best friend on a visit home after I was married! It wasn't that she thought I was doing anything "improper"--it was that she was worried sick and it did not even OCCUR to me to call and tell her how late I was going to be.
Now, I'm not saying that's the case with YOUR mom, but I would gently suggest that if you don't want to be answerable to anyone else, you should work on getting out on your own.
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
From some scary movie --
Phone rings, you pick it up . . .
Creepy Voice on Phone . . . .
GET OUT OF THE HOUSE! GET OUT OF THE HOUSE!
============
Always wanted to do that in a meeting . . . .
Seriously, this is not good for you or her.
Phone rings, you pick it up . . .
Creepy Voice on Phone . . . .
GET OUT OF THE HOUSE! GET OUT OF THE HOUSE!
============
Always wanted to do that in a meeting . . . .
Seriously, this is not good for you or her.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Dear Jelly, I think the heart of the matter is that you and your mother have a generational difference in sexual mores. I am sure that these feelings go very deep with her and it is unrealistic to ask or expect her to change. You are not a fully independent adult if you are still living in her house. Her house--her rules. That sounds severe, I know, but it is reality.
You have the right to have a sexual relationship---but, you will have to be adult to have your own place to live independently---where you can make your own rules.
Parents have a very hard time to visualize their children having sex and having a close connection to it. Just like children can't bear to imagine their parents having actual sex. It seem that these things are best kept at a distance.
In our culture, it is very hard for children and parents to live, conflict free, in the same house, after the child is into adulthood--especially, once a mate appears.
Most married adults that I know--including myself---will not have sex in their parent's house when visiting. And, vice-versa.
Your mother probably is equating your not abiding by her rules as a personal snub or rejection as a mother. She probably thinks that this means that you are rejecting her. So, fighting with her like a teenager will only make matters worse, in my opinion and leave a bad taste for both of you.
In other words--it is time to move out. But, be kind to her and talk to her in A NON-CONFRONTATIONAL WAY.
It is harder for the parent when the child moves out than the other way around. Remember, one day, you may be standing in her shoes.
I am just giving you my take on this....of course, you will handle the way you see best.
sincerely, dandylion
You have the right to have a sexual relationship---but, you will have to be adult to have your own place to live independently---where you can make your own rules.
Parents have a very hard time to visualize their children having sex and having a close connection to it. Just like children can't bear to imagine their parents having actual sex. It seem that these things are best kept at a distance.
In our culture, it is very hard for children and parents to live, conflict free, in the same house, after the child is into adulthood--especially, once a mate appears.
Most married adults that I know--including myself---will not have sex in their parent's house when visiting. And, vice-versa.
Your mother probably is equating your not abiding by her rules as a personal snub or rejection as a mother. She probably thinks that this means that you are rejecting her. So, fighting with her like a teenager will only make matters worse, in my opinion and leave a bad taste for both of you.
In other words--it is time to move out. But, be kind to her and talk to her in A NON-CONFRONTATIONAL WAY.
It is harder for the parent when the child moves out than the other way around. Remember, one day, you may be standing in her shoes.
I am just giving you my take on this....of course, you will handle the way you see best.
sincerely, dandylion
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 91
I'm going to just go ahead and echo everyone and say that now might be a good time to move out. I really don't have too much else to add, but I felt some connection with your post, because we happen to be the same age, and I can only imagine what I would do in your position.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
There is a thread on "What is Abuse" at the top of the Friends and Families Forum index page here on SoberRecovery. There is an eloquent post that outlines behaviors that are abusive. While posters on this thread have good points about how different generations view sexual behavior, and that, or perhaps worrying because you are out late, may be what is causing your mother's behavior.
On the other hand, I see some real red flags in what you write. Not listening to you or making any effort to understand that you, at 27, are an adult and entitled to behave as you want, is one. The reaction of self-pity -"I'm a zero" is another, as is the punishment of not speaking to you and her related behaviors.
It sounds abusive to me. Take a look at the thread and see what you think.
ShootingStar1
On the other hand, I see some real red flags in what you write. Not listening to you or making any effort to understand that you, at 27, are an adult and entitled to behave as you want, is one. The reaction of self-pity -"I'm a zero" is another, as is the punishment of not speaking to you and her related behaviors.
It sounds abusive to me. Take a look at the thread and see what you think.
ShootingStar1
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