what to do

Old 05-19-2013, 04:45 AM
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what to do

I have been with my boyfriend a little over a year. When we first started dating, I suspected he was on something but I couldn't tell what. Later on, I found out it was blues (roxies) which I never knew about until him. His mother, sister, mother's fiancé, and friends all knew about it for at least a year prior. It got to a point where his mom, sister, and I would openly talk about his using and enough was enough. We tried an intervention and he agreed to rehab after convincing him. He went for a week and relapsed the day after he got home. Of course I suspected it but it didn't come out until months after him continuing shady routines. He got kicked out of his home and came to live with my family and I. He got a job and was still using. I suspected it and we would fight until my father caught him getting high in the bathroom while I was at work. He was no longer allowed at my house and still isn't because of that and because my parents paid a thousand dollars to help him get a rental car for work which he still hasn't paid them back for. He lives with his father ( who's a recovering alcoholic) and he started drinking again. After a couple months, he has a good job and a car. He's trying to stay clean and eventually we were planning to get a place together. To earn trust back, he was suppose to take drug tests and pay my parents. He had an excuse not to pay them and denied a drug test today because he said he's sick. He wants a ANOTHER chance. I told him he has to take a drug test tomorrow and pay my parents back next paycheck or we are done. When does it get to a point where enough is enough? I hope this time if he doesn't go through with this, I can finally walk away. He gets upset and just wants trust back but won't show me he's changing. We are close and he shares a lot with me about his addiction. Sometimes I think it's to brainwash me to think he is in recovery but he's using. He told me today he took sub-oxen when i wouldn't talk to him after he got kicked out of my house but why would he not tell me that? Especially since I tried to help him get Sub-oxen and he didn't want to take it. I feel like my judgement and sanity is gone and he took it. I do dwell on bad things in life to a certain extent and he uses it against me. He would admit using last week but Said I shouldn't get upset he lied and it's in the past which is ridiculous to me! Am I crazy? I don't know what to do anymore but I do love him. A year of this.Things get good than everything falls apart for him and he uses. Just listening to myself tell this makes me feel dumb for staying with him. Please help
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Old 05-19-2013, 05:15 AM
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No honey, you are not crazy.

He is and addcit, run away!
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Old 05-19-2013, 06:04 AM
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I agree, he is bringing nothing to this relationship except trouble...and lies.

You have a wise and supportive family, stick with them and maybe try to figure out why you are attracted to someone who steals (not repaying a promised debt IS stealing) and lies. You deserve so much better than this.

Leaving hurts for a while, staying may hurt forever.

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Old 05-19-2013, 06:07 AM
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Nothing changes if nothing changes---this guy is not interested in sobriety--it is all about him and the he## with everyone else--dump him--you need to move on 'cause he sure isn't.
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Old 05-19-2013, 08:28 AM
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Addiction is progressive it gets worse until one embraces recovery if they ever do. You seem to have strong family support I am thinking the two of you may be relatively young?

Ask yourself and be truthful with yourself what kind of life do you want for your future?
That life can't be obtained with an active addict. I found that attending Al-anon meetings helped me we have no Nar-anon where I live.

I also found that keeping a journal helped me.

Sometimes I think it's to brainwash me to think he is in recovery but he's using. He told me today he took sub-oxen when i wouldn't talk to him after he got kicked out of my house but why would he not tell me that? Especially since I tried to help him get Sub-oxen and he didn't want to take it.

Recovery looks like recovery and using looks like using go with your gut. As for why addicts are manipulative same of those who are co- dependent.
I was very manipulative and didn't see it for what it was until I started my own journey of recovery.

Last edited by crazybabie; 05-19-2013 at 08:30 AM. Reason: added something
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Old 05-19-2013, 08:54 AM
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to Ann- I get mad just thinking about the money he owes them and still hasn't paid them. He keeps telling me he wants to and it's his first priority but something always comes up. I hope he does but not sure if he ever will
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Old 05-19-2013, 09:01 AM
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crazybabie- He said I shouldn't go to alanon meetings. Do you think there's a reason why? I went to a family meeting at the rehab he was at and it made me feel stronger but at the same time more angry at him. He's 21 and I'm 25.
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Old 05-19-2013, 09:19 AM
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I hate to say it, but yes, there's a reason why he doesn't want you to go to Al-Anon meetings.....because he doesn't want you to start working on you and get better, because then you might realize that you don't want to be with him anymore. As you said, the family meeting made you feel stronger, but it also made you angry at him. Well, he's afraid if you get angry enough, or rather, HEALTHY enough, you'll realize that you can do SO MUCH BETTER than him and you'll walk away for good.
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Old 05-19-2013, 09:51 AM
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Selfishness seems to be a quality inherent to addiction. I have not seen evidence (with my AH) that it ever changes, even with sobriety. An addict is an addict.
That said, trying to change the selfishness and the addict, as I have done, is a form of manipulation too. An enabler is an enabler (I know, I am one.)
You can only change you and make decisions for you.
There is a thread on the friends and family forum, Step Study - Step 1. I highly recommend you start reading it. It might help.
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Old 05-19-2013, 10:36 AM
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When does it get to a point where enough is enough?
You tell us.

Seriously, that's up to you. You're under no obligation to stay with him. You're under no obligation to watch him self destruct. And since you can't help him, you're free to detach -- with love -- at a time of your choosing. The question is are you ready to do it.

ZoSo
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Old 05-19-2013, 03:50 PM
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Originally Posted by TML5 View Post
crazybabie- He said I shouldn't go to alanon meetings. Do you think there's a reason why? I went to a family meeting at the rehab he was at and it made me feel stronger but at the same time more angry at him. He's 21 and I'm 25.
I agree with Everhopeful, may I suggest you learn all you can about addiction my experience has been that many people especially young people often do not know the facts, stat etc ( I am still learning and I am 47) but I see many younger people my kids ages they are 2,25 and 22 and they seem to think it is something that is just passing when the sad truth is for most it isn't. Read the other post here that could be your future if you don't get help for yourself it was me for way to many years. You can't save him but you can save yourself.

I have 2 sons who are addicted and my husband is currently in recovery I also have 2 parents who were alcoholics, a brother who is a recovering alcoholic and recovering addict. I had no clue that I could be passing a hereditary gene to any kids I had.

Put you first then the rest will slowly fall in place.
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Old 05-23-2013, 04:17 AM
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thank you everyone for the suggestions and help!
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Old 05-23-2013, 05:50 AM
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Things will change when you're ready to change....you can get off of this roller coaster anytime you want to.

Take care of you.

gentle hugs
ke
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Old 05-23-2013, 10:07 AM
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Thanks. I'm ready to walk away. My fear is to get a place together, get married, then have kids and him relapsing at anytime. I know I'm thinking to far into the future but you date someone to eventually lead to those things and I just can't with him. He's done too much damage and my gut says he's still using pills.
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Old 05-23-2013, 10:17 AM
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tml5

please trust your gut. yes, dating is to get to know one another and then eventually or usually settle down with marriage and family if so desired. if these are the things you want then by all means listen to your head and do your best to have those things with a healthy person. it may be a little while before you even want to meet someone or think about serious things. take some time for only you and the rest will work out as it should. be strong!
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Old 05-23-2013, 10:51 AM
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Sometimes when you are smack dab in the middle of it all it’s so hard to see the trees through the forest. What’s true, what’s not true. What do you really believe compared to what you wish to believe. What is real and what is not real.

So, from way over here looking in I see a young girl of 25 falls hard for a guy who happens to be a drug user. They date and his addiction progress’s to the point where his own family kicks him out of the house. GF and family take him in spends a lot of money on a vehicle for him to use to get to work……….he then disrespects GF and family by bringing drugs and using drugs in their home…….he then lies making it sound all good that he wants to re-pay them earn trust back but doesn’t do a dam thing to really re-pay them….other things come up that are way more important then you and your parents.
He has his hooks into you, knows exactly what to say to get you off his back and on his side…of course he doesn’t want you to get healthy by going to al-anon, he doesn’t want to lose his enable right now.

You say you are ready to walk away………..what’s stopping you?
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Old 05-23-2013, 12:51 PM
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Originally Posted by TML5 View Post
I have been with my boyfriend a little over a year.
Change this to 3, 5, 10 or 20 years and throw in a kid or two and you can join the cast of thousands who have "been/still there-done that" and are still caught in the endless cycle of "but he's such a great husband/father/provider, when he's not high".
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Old 05-23-2013, 01:15 PM
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well said BeavsDad. spot on. this is exactly what happens or would happen, IMO.

it just gets worse.

get out while you can, hurt, repair and move on or prepare for a lifetime of heartache.
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Old 05-23-2013, 04:44 PM
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Originally Posted by EverHopeful721 View Post
I hate to say it, but yes, there's a reason why he doesn't want you to go to Al-Anon meetings.....because he doesn't want you to start working on you and get better, because then you might realize that you don't want to be with him anymore. As you said, the family meeting made you feel stronger, but it also made you angry at him. Well, he's afraid if you get angry enough, or rather, HEALTHY enough, you'll realize that you can do SO MUCH BETTER than him and you'll walk away for good.

This is EXACTLY what my AXBF said to me as soon as I made the decision to start going to CoDA meetings:

"I hope those meetings don't convince you to leave me."

Those meetings have been my absolute saving grace and I wouldn't stop going for anything. They HAVE made me stronger, they have made me more confident in myself, and is one of the cornerstones to my recovery from my addict.

I say, go. Immediately.
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